Friday, January 01, 2010

Madame Arcati gives Telegraph.co.uk its first best read of 2010

What a delightful way to start the year. My exclusive story on Prince Philip and Molly Parkin found its way onto the Telegraph's website and was this morning its most viewed read. At the time of writing, its second most viewed read. The delightful Tim Walker moves the story on a bit: Molly's "strip-lighting" sex toy, as improvised by her lover James Roberston Justice, has become a light bulb: I think it most unlikely that anyone would place a light bulb up her cunt, but I suppose anything's possible. Also, author James Hogg confirms the truth of my report: of course it's true, Molly Parkin told me! I think this is a story waiting to be treated with bigger fanfare, don't you? It's certainly the most interesting of the stories kicking off the New Year, amid the fake predictions, dreary look-backs and -forwards and yawny posturings of the political parties.

(Telegraph ups the ante: When James Robertson Justice told Prince Philip and others of his buggering at Marlborough)

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

Tim Walker has the imagination of a neutered ferret. And is about as palatable as "mandrake"? This is the best scoop he'll get all year. Shame they don't actually do any work over there at the Torygraph, just lift stories from whence they may. Oh hang on, don't they also "employ" that dreadful Delingpole?

the late Dame Barbara Cartland said...

I feel I played my own small part in getting this story into the only newspaper of note. Sadly I see Mr Tim Walker neglected to mention the Russian Revolution.

I also feel this tale needs a "bigger fanfare" as you put it and I'll be doing my bit in my new novel when Ms Molly Parkin is transformed into the glamorous Russian Duchess.

I have only one question-we certainly knew what lightbulbs where in my day but I've never heard of this "cunt" thingy. Perhaps you can explain what it is ?.

Madame Arcati said...

A cunt is a type of handbag found only on TV shopping channels. How Molly got one I'll never know.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Madame Arcati said...

The Telegraph does indeed pay Delingpole for his immature burblings - my favourite line of his: "You can't deny that for all its faults the Third Reich did cut a pretty impressive figure on the world stage."

Anonymous said...

Jesus Fucking Christ. He SAID that? That is really sick. The boy needs neutering so he can't have anymore dark-haired racist proginy. Can we arrange a whip-round to put him / us out of his misery? I can think of at least a couple of people who might throw in a tenner. Or two.

Madame Arcati said...

Delingpole certainly needs dealing with, Arcati may have to unleash a horror campaign.

Green Goddess said...

Sign me up for that one MA Darling. X

Blithe Spirit said...

MA darling,
1) We well know darling Tim has let you know before he’s a fan of this blog. Copyright infringement, the best kind of flattery.
2) For the way he puts it, it seems (I want to believe) he did bother to consult with Hogg on the veracity of the story. That is called “research” – less lazy than just lifting the story, or copy and paste.
3) A strip-light is still a bulb. He does write for national newspaper, y’ know, and he may need to sugarcoat the story. A word like bulb (which can be imagined as tiny as a Christmas light) gives readers the opportunity to comfortably “wrap” their mind around the idea of homemade sex toys better (or in a less threatening way) than words like strip-light or toothbrush. Besides, he’s a sweetie and I don’t see him capable of printing such story in all its crude reality. Let’s call it “poetic license”.
4) I would like to support Anon’s reaction to Delingpole’s taste in role models, but frankly I cannot condone using the Lord’s name in vain. Wash your mouth, anon – you may use that toothbrush of Molly’s.
I wish you a happy New Year, my sweet and best wishes for Molly and her lovely family.
ox

Madame Arcati said...

Dear Blithe, I don't think newspapers should sugarcoat anything, especially when they claim to be upmarket and designed for the intelligent reader. Stories of this sort - bawd and rogerings with a royal edge - should be told in their entirety, not as scented giggles, as if told by a gel from St Trinians.

I don't think anyone would think of a bulb as a strip-light, though what you say maybe literally correct. Your average Telegraph reader will be wondering what on earth JRJ did with this bulb on Molly: perhaps he used her as a bedside lampshade? Molly is, afer all, highly decorative, inter alia.

We must celebrate the fact that a humble blog such as mine is freely available for the true tale. Thank the Lord for Google! One might have had to wait another 40 years before someone's memoirs dealt us the nitty-gritty.

And to you, my dear, the happiest of New Years.

Anonymous said...

I'm suing you Madame for ruining my keyboard. I was reading your Justice/Parkin story at breakfasttime and spat out some milk and cereal all over it when I read the bit about the light and toothbrush sex toys. The keyboard hasn't worked since after I tried to clean it up. Shouldn't you carry warnings?

Anonymous said...

Appalling and revolting as this blog is, you do at least have the courtesy to link the Telegraph story. It is interesting that a newspaper fears crediting a possible rival that gets only the fraction of its audience while your "humble" site has no such fears.

Blithe Spirit said...

LOL! Yes dear, Molly is indeed a gorgeous woman (love her eyes).

I’ve been meaning to tell you I just looooove that visitors’ thingy you have on the side. It’s mesmerizing. It is fun to notice “obscure” or unlikely (sort of) countries climb up the list from 1 visitor to 4 or 6 or whatever.

Madame Arcati said...

It's fun isn't it? Proves that Arcati draws a global audience of the like-minded - not that many like me but enough for reassurance. The monthly figure should reach 35-40,000.

Anonymous said...

Is it true that Molly sucked off Roger Federer the year before he won his first Wimbledon?

Madame Arcati said...

Doubt it.

a lady in Belgravia said...

MA likened Molly's encounter to the infamous Fatty Arbuckle incident but doesn't Walker's tale make it even more similar ?. Wasn't it a bottle or some glass object that caused Arbuckle so much grief ?.If so and a light bulb was used and given James Robertson Justice seems like he was a hefty man, a slight mistake and there would no Molly for MA to wed.Thank God I'm celibate.

Madame Arcati said...

Are you suggesting that Molly went up in smoke when the light bulb was inserted? She's still very much alive: I can only assume it was one of those bulbs with a batten connection, as opposed to two-prong. x

Vinny said...

Apropos the light bulb. David Bowie found he had a hard time with the women in New York in the mid-70s, I think he may have run into some hardline feminists.

Anyways, he said at the time he didn't like New York women and said something like: "they lecture you for an hour then want you to do something exotic with a light bulb"

Madame Arcati said...

I saw that Angie Bowie on TV last night, in a doc on the late thug actor John Bindon. Apparently his cock was 12" long. I loved Vicki Hodge's line of Bindon who used to beat her up - something like - "He was very considerate - he never marked my face."

veritas said...

Angie Bowie tried to seduce me once but there was no lightbulb involved.

Anonymous said...

Johnny Bindon used to hang four pint tankards off his cock through their handles, side by side, in the back room of the Water Rat

Madame Arcati said...

Odd thing to do. I thought 6. Perhaps they were half pints.

veritas said...

that reminds me...I once sold Johnny Bindon a bedspread when I worked in Kings Road but I never saw his cock.

Madame Arcati said...

Oh dear, can't you borrow Dr Who's Tardis?

Anonymous said...

Not odd at all. Not only a measure of Johnny's length but also of his hardness. And you knew nothing about it, so don't pretend.

Madame Arcati said...

There's only one person pretending to know, dearie - and it ain't me.

Duralex said...

<< Johnny Bindon used to hang four pint tankards off his cock through their handles, side by side, in the back room of the Water Rat >>

:-))))))))))))) (first Homeric laugh of the year)

You're making my day, Anonymous!