River the Regalista: Now Meghan Writes Him a Letter!

Madame Arcati's Substack

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Good heavens, the Duchess of Markle has written a letter to one of her trolls, River. Below is my take on him-she with tiara. Meghan attempts to deploy humour in her elaborate epistle, and she reveals some self-satire to her credit. River may accept to gift from Montecito. Meanwhile, River...

Among the baubles of YouTube podcasters is a young femme-chap called River. And how he flows and flows. A torrent of royally-inflected words pour forth on a regular basis, and he is indeed articulate. University-educated probably, or an inspired autodidact. River is a vision of tiara’d pulchritude, and is yet another specialist in matters Meghan and Harry; a regalista in the mode of drawling Lady Colin ‘aw aw’ Campbell and Dan ‘spite face’ Wootton (litigation pending, poppet?), sniping at anyone who may offend or challenge The Firm. In all instances, Meghan of Montecito is marked for especially vicious scorn. Unlike Lady C, River does not pose as an insider with direct Windsor wormholes spewing goss. At least I don’t think so. I have not watched all of River’s videos. I find my horoscopy to be quite time-consuming. From what I gather he is an assiduous reader of royal tattle with a sharp eye for a revealing detail missed by most others. This prompts engaging monologues that sustain the impression of exclusivity.

I have no idea who he is. He says he lives near Hampstead, London. Even Grok is non-plussed, muddling him with the Michael Jackson American impersonator River Gibbs whose videos can be found on YouTube and Instagram. Indeed, I confused the two until River himself drew my attention to one of his podcasts in which he scotches the multiple personality rumour. I must admit I did find it hard to reconcile the athletic rollerskater River G with his Serene Highness River on his armchair throne, imagining that he boarded the transatlantic red-eye to play two different parts. How silly of moi. (Btw, since following River G on Instagram he has made the account private. So my other alter egos watch him instead.)

River’s YouTube channel is popular. He has 154,000 subscribers, and his 367 videos to date have been viewed 47,000,000 times. I’m well jel. Each video draws a cacophony of commentary, mostly of the pleasuring kind, though one recent message earned River’s ire. He was berated for using ‘Jesus Christ’ as a ‘quss’ word and was told to ‘man up’. River’s response was a thing of wonder as he majesterially tore into his critic, telling his public that he could not give a fuck what they thought of him. In any case, as he wondered in effect, what kind of Christian would be watching a faintly louche Rocky Horror Picture Show-type podcast? And why would River, a master of princessy maquillage, want to be manning-up?

This last point takes us to this week when River went off usual topic and gave an entertaining account of his well-populated love life history. Male members (or ‘tree trunks’) were size-queened by ethnicity, and apparently ‘gingers’ smell of pig’s urine. I’ll take that under advisement. It was all very fruity, my fruits - one of his signature endearments. When not engaged in sexual congress, he is quite psychic, confidently predicting Trump’s victory, and appears to approve the 47th’s dictum that there are only two sexes/genders. Tell that to Caitlin (a Trump pal). I gather that divinatory topics are not his thing.

In our short exchange on his YouTube channel comment section, willowy River warmed my heart by asking whether I was ‘THE Vic Olliver’. I like the THE bit. From this I must deduce that in his formative years, before he grew to just under 6′ 2″, he was an avid reader of my old Madame Arcati blog on Blogger. Goodness knows what he made of my cunt-cockery language. What or whom have I created? In the metaphorical sense River is my blog son (or daughter if you prefer), and he has used my example of what else you can do solo and get away with in public. River is my electronic blood but, no, I shall not leave him anything in my will. I draw attention to his PayPal account where you can reward him for his successful screen labours.

Of late, River has moved residence, which was quite a trial for him it seems. He used to be filmed in what looked like a well-decorated snug. Now he has a courtyard of ivy and a new armchair throne set in a drawing room. The mise-en-scène is witness to the sharp study of glossy magazine palace interiors pics, and it is just possible that he will one day do a Lady C and acquire his own Castle Goring. Whether he has to do any whoring so to do - jungly Lady C-style - remains a matter of speculation.

To join River’s court, here is the link to his channel River Broadcast. If Netflix is reading this, sign him up. And if you know River, do leak into my lughole.

Diane Abbott and her psychic testimonial

I adore Diane Abbott MP, even more so now that I learn she seems to have provided a testimonial to psychic talents on the website psychics.co.uk, home of the modern Nostradamus, the medium Craig Hamilton-Parker. I wonder what her psychic foresaw for poppet Diane. 

Craig is famous for his forecasts, which appear to be based on a forensic study of the news with shrewd extrapolation, as a starting point natch. Only recently he speculated on the future of Keir Starmer and wondered whether he might be bisexual. Or has a love child. Well, yes. That latter tale awaits mainstream oxygen. Far be it for me to suggest that Craig is right of centre and anti-woke, but many of his followers appear to be so. Birds of a feather...

And who would think that Diane might be in the company of David Icke and Julia Roberts's bro? I am sure this cannot be intentional.

 

Spooky! BBC Radio's ghostly duplication of title

I was most excited to learn this morning that BBC Radio 4 is running a new series entitled A Natural History of Ghosts, hosted by someone called Kirsty Logan - a name fresh to my synaptic leaps as are her profoundly politically correct and therefore fashionable vowel sounds. 

Naturally, I assumed this was a series based on Roger Clarke's classic book, A Natural History of Ghosts - until I visited the BBC website and discovered no mention of Mr Clarke. I cannot comment on the content of Kirsty's show, but thematically the radio show (like Clarke's book) takes us into the realm of the afterlife - with the twist of a distancing cultural history approach which usually means you don't have to believe in ghosts to appropriate some of the spookiness while maintaining one's treasured reason.

The coincidence of titles is most unfortunate, though these things do happen. And we must try not to jump to conclusions. However, I was dismayed to learn via Twitter that Mr Clarke had no knowledge of the Radio 4 show. Later, I spotted a Twitter exchange between him and Logan in which she denied knowledge of his book and offered an assurance that she had not used any of his material for her show.

This claim was then seemingly thrown into question by an Arcatiste who noticed that back in 2016 Logan had listed Roger's ghost book as one of her faves (last but one on the list):

Doubtless this slipped her memory - well read people are wont to forget all the titles they digest even if some titles are more memorable than others. I do it all the time, or so I am told.

I am confident that BBC Radio 4 will do the right thing and run a series by Roger Clarke on A Natural History of Ghosts, unless they can think of a good reason why not. Alternatively alter the title of Logan's show.

Buy Roger's book here (a brilliant book):

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0141048085/ref=cm_sw_r_tw_awdb_btf_t1_x_l7yHFb0NF3B3F

Farah Damji is rearrested in Dublin - as an Icelandic!

Farah Damji - variously described as a "serial fraudster" and "convicted stalker" - has been rearrested in Dublin after absconding from justice during her last London trial in July of this year. 

She was up for breaching a restraining order arising from an earlier conviction for stalking. She was sentenced in her absence. Judge Michael Gledhill has indicated that he wants her brought back before him for breaching bail conditions even though he now works in Oxford.

According to The Irish Times, she was apprehended by the police last Monday and taken before the High Court in Dublin and remanded in custody. She is expected to be extradited shortly. The Garda National Economic Crime Bureau claim she was passing herself off an as Icelandic national and fake IDs and credit cards were found at her apartment, it is reported.

Oh dear Farah, if true. You never learn. Same old baloney over and over again. Yawny!

In happier times (or were they?) Farah had the honour of interviewing Madame Arcati (see here). Madame is perfectly prepared to give even the incorrigible the chance to see the light, though she is often disappointed. 

Of late, while in prison or on the run or whatever (hard to keep up), Farah "helped to" start up The View Magazine for "women in the criminal justice system". She even persuaded the painfully modish George The Poet to contribute. In this piece, she describes life in prison as "grey and boring" so it is curious that she seems so keen to make return visits to the clink. Prison governors, she writes, couldn't run a corner shop which is one reason why recidivism is no high, hers especially no doubt. 

One gets the impression that she thinks she would make an excellent prisoner-governor. What a great movie idea. Who should play Farah?

In other matters, I am still wondering who it was who waged a campaign against this site some years back. I make no allegation for now but Madame Arcati is an unforgiving opponent. Cross my path and prepare to become roadkill, in the figurative sense of course. I have a list of suspects and I will be avenged.

Here is poppet Farah advertising The View on YouTube. infamy, in-for-me...

Made Arcati self-identifies as....

Darlings, so good to be back, though you never know with me. Not much has changed since I kicked off this blog in 2006, except the dramatis personae of moments. Old foes have swanned away or waned while others stay in post like stuck turds before strike of prunes - Francis Wheen at Private Eye, Camilla Long and India Knight at The Sunday Times, et al. My ex-permanent fiancee Molly Parkin still reigns in Chelsea but we are no longer an item or even an 'item'. Duncan Fallowell is awaking to the joys of electronic publishing - and where is Roger Lewis? I must get another story out of him, Farah Damji is now on the run in Ireland, eluding an arrest warrant - I had no idea she stalked ex-fucks or rejectionist fucks and am astonished people still fall for her self-laundering campaigning scams. Give yourself up poppet and place yet another burden on the public purse.

The big theme du jour (for five more minutes) is gender fluidity. Naturally, Madame Arcati is ahead of the curve. Back in 2006 and onwards, a number of readerly cocks and cunts asked Madame who she really was, not just the identity behind the living legend, but her sex. It was noted that there was a certain "aggression" in my prose, out of kilter with the scented female stereotype in plaid skirt, which could only jar in the minds of those yet to sample Julie Burchill's work. I seemed butch yet decorous of form and awfully capable on a bicycle. And of course I commune with the dead and the 'dead' - such as Jonathan King who frankly should be knighted. The preoccupations of the playground never really entirely leave us - all too apparent in the media and now social media.

I defy categorisation in the way angels cannot be sexed, even if their names suggest a cock or cunt or both. I belong to your cultural dreams, dear; a figment of someone's imagination, dashing up and down the gender-labelling theremin without touching, posing as this or that depending on intent or whim. Yes, I am a self-identified idea - this is what a self-identified idea looks like. Moi.

Now run along and play boys and girls or b*ys and g*rls in your homes and offices, making a cult of your genitalia, whether cis, trans or cobblers. Fantasy has its place, such as here. But not there for the most part.

What Lady Colin learnt of Boris after she sued him

I do adore Lady Colin Campbell's regular chat shows from her drawing room at Goring Castle. In her latest video, now hosted by son Misha after Croatian aristocrat Prince Leo unaccountably took off, she talks about the time back in the Noughties when she successfully sued Boris Johnson. 

He was then editor of The Spectator magazine and had characteristically failed to stop his columnist Taki writing something defamatory of Lady C. You can listen to her story below. But two things are striking about her recollections. The first is that after she sent Boris "an excoriating three-page letter" which touched upon one of Boris' then ongoing extra-marital affairs - he was married to Marina - a spy at the magazine told her that he reacted to her insults in a most amazing way: instead of denouncing her he said to colleagues that the magazine should hire her as a columnist because she was such a good writer. Lady C recounts that this impressed her and suggested that he was a man who despite many personal flaws could "think outside the box". Consequently, she thought he'd be suitable for Number 10 when years later he fought to become PM.

Fast forward to an intriguing moment after Lady C won substantial damages and costs against The Spec: she was at the grand French Brasserie Zedel in London with a party that included her two sons Misha and Dima. Boris was also there with Marina and at some point he got up and with no hint of rancour introduced himself to Lady C and her sons. Charm itself. This also impressed her. A mark of "character" and "gumption" she observes. 

Given this level of gumption, I fear Boris will be PM for longer than anyone can imagine.

Julie Burchill joins Twitter - at last!

Madame Arcati is delighted to see that Julie Burchill has joined Twitter at long last. Its brevity and range suit it to guerrilla warfare and instant reaction - as well as the occasional schmooze. In the old days this site relied on Google spiders and a few darlings in the media to mention me when I fed them a tale or two. Now I have only to post something and link it to social media and Arcatistes flood in like sewage.

Dame Julie (why not?) is to be found at the charmingly named @boozeAndFagz page. Her current post has to do with the peculiar India Knight, her even more peculiar partner Eric Joyce and the silence of mainstream media on the subject of his recent conviction for what the BBC calls "a child sex offence".  Read Burchill's piece here. 

Susan Penhaligon: two poems

Darling Susan Penhaligon (a delightful Cancerian; I sooo attract crabs these days...) has honoured us with two more poems, both utterly lovely. I especially adore The Cremation (St Ives). One of my all-time TV drama series favourites is her Bouquet of Barbed Wire from the '70s, and many will fondly recall her in A Fine Romance that ran in the '80s. I really do think an enterprising publisher should collect Susan's poems and put them out. If you wish to show your appreciation, leave a comment below. Don't be cheap and just go back to the fucking social media. 

With Apologies to Jenny Joseph

Now I'm seventy I shall not wear purple,

I have no need for satin slippers,

my red hat will sit snug on my highlighted hair

and I shall only sometimes wear it.

I will giggle much, much more.

I shall love all young people and

pass my wisdom as voodoo,

it is they who will press alarm bells.

I shall not hoard pens and beer mats or regrets

and I will sit down frequently,

not brandy stoked or pavement squatted,

but comfy and content with a lit stove.

I will not eat three pounds of sausages

or wear terrible shirts but grow peppers

in a pot on my windowsill

and if I spit it will only be to polish them.

I shall choose the moment to say fuck

with exquisite precision.

But Jenny Joseph you are right,

I will pick flowers in the rain

2019

The cremation (St Ives)

I am down near the weathered rocks again,

by surf, the smell of surf, the ceaseless, black

souled cry of gulls and my mother,

my mother, in the sea filled house of memories.

She has gone,

swept in a pod caressed with flowers.

We played 'That's entertainment'

I saw her dancing, her arms waving like a swimmer

making sure she was watched.

I walk the cobbled streets without her,

a map stapled to my childhood,

each crease has been explored,

each fold examined,

and there is the sloping beach as I remembered,

the smell of Blue Grass perfumed her bag

propped up against a basket full of pasties

with a check rug, rough against our baby skin.

The harbour beach for tea,

we were raised with sand in our stomachs.

The sea, the sea, my mother and the sea,

I am formed by its stones and lashing waves

as moody as my mother and her painful love.

I am not easily here.

I know the tides are forever,

but she is not.

Madame Arcati's virtual background beach reads 2020

How sad that Lorraine Candy has lost her job at The Sunday Times. That'll teach her to cross astrologers and me in particular. Now, who are my top people right now? I am fickle and quickly fall out of love, so make the most of my kindness, bitches.

My summer read authors are as follows (set against a Covid-19-averse virtual background beach in my boudoir):

1. Lady Colin Campbell. Now known popularly as Lady C and Georgie to her friends. Riding high with her Meghan and Harry book and posting marvellous YouTube chat shows hosted by Prince Leo von Breithen-Thurn - who I am given to understand seeks a wife. Lady C thinks it a good idea that he marry a royal cousin, but animal husbandry advises against genetic localism. Listen to Madame. Lady C's verbal assaults on rapidly souring Philip Schofield (or "His Majesty of the Closet", as Georgie refers to him, cruelly) are sublime. Incidentally, Georgie plans to sue the Daily Mirror over some stories it ran.

2. Duncan Fallowell. A perennial favourite of mine. Thanks to him I have no need to travel to New Zealand. My carbon footprint is in intact. Do buy his new novel LONDON PARIS NEW YORK: a precarious tale. You won't find a better writer, though Will Self fancies himself.

3. Roger Clarke. A master of mists and energies in empty spaces, aka ghosts. The Anna Wintour of spectral fashion trends, poppets, though far, far brainier. Headless ghosts are no longer in vogue apparently. Do read his fab book A Natural History of Ghosts. Perfect as nights start to lengthen. And then re-read.  

4. André Leon Talley. His memoir The Chiffon Trenches is bitter and therefore divine. He bangs many nails into the coffin of American Vogue editor and former ally Anna Wintour, to add to all the others. Indeed, she is starting to resemble Pinhead in Hellraiser. She'll be great in one of the franchise horror sequels. No script to learn. As for André, well, let's just say he writes as he speaks. I suspect his memoir was gossiped into a dictaphone.

5. Lyndsy Spence. I can't wait to read her Maria Callas biography. Her Insta account is a dedication to the book-in-progress and I am intrigued to learn that the opera diva was so into astrology. While you're waiting why not read another of Lyndsy's biographies, such as Mrs Guinness: The Rise and Fall of Diana Mitford, the Thirties Socialite. It enraged Daphne Guinness for some reason so it's worth finding out why. Zebra-haired Daph designs and sings - a duet with Nicky Haslam should be expedited. But put away the cut crystal first.

Shelley von Strunckel stars no longer at The Sunday Times

Shelley von Strunckel

PS to this post: Lorraine Candy has been fired from The Sunday Times. One can only hope someone saw sense and removed this dreadful secular and pop-psycho cliche.

I have only to turn my back on the world for a few years and look what happens. Trump and Johnson get to power, Earth is locked down by pandemic and...Shelley von Strunckel parts company with The Sunday Times! This last happening is perhaps the worst to bear. Sufficient to stir Madame Arcati from her afterlife boudoir - and yes, uniquely I am able to reconnect the mortal coil. At will.

For those of you unacquainted with the divine Shelley, she was until last Sunday the astrologer to the above newspaper. One Saturn Return-ago (approximately 28 years), editor Andrew Neil - formerly aka Brillo - had a revelation: his newspaper needed Shelley and her horoscope column. A Uranian-style inspiration. Sleekly spiritual, Californian, honey-voiced (useful for the phonelines), opera-loving, versed in all things astrological and blessed with a reassuring answer to just about everything, Shelley was and remains the high-end media counterweight to darling Russell Grant who had already cleaned up from the TV and tabs mass markets.

Before either's ascendancy, the late Patric (no k, darling) Walker ruled the media astro-world. Then e-coli reportedly finished him off. It was rumoured he had murdered his Harpers & Queen predecessor Helene Hoskins ('Celeste') by booting her down a staircase. A very Baby Jane-sort of thing to do. I was prepared to believe it. In Hell, he now tells me that this was a joke. Legend has it that Shelley was his chosen heir apparent and that he was instrumental in getting her the ST gig. Patric neither confirms nor denies - he is such a tease. He won't even tell me if he ever went to bed with actor Richard Chamberlain. 

So, who knows? 

Quite why Shelley is no longer at The Sunday Times can only be guessed at. It seems odd that after three decades as one of the publication's go-to fixtures, she was seen off with a two-word "final column" in the intro as the only indication of her defenestration. The column ran in the After Eight Mint-thin Sunday Times Style magazine and somehow survived the ambient flow of narcissistic and self-regarding drivel that populates the supplement. Only people lacking style could treat it as any kind of inspiration to keep up. But at least Shelley was there to encourage readers to rest their ego-driven anxieties and tip-toe into expansive cosmic reflection for a minute or two. You never know, such tentative trips can turn into productive voyages. 

Without Shelley, Style is now the fully-fledged monoculture for scented boo-hoo mirroring that only its editor could dream of. Speaking of whom, if the Style editor Lorraine Candy is so antipathetic to astrology (do we imagine that she fought hard to save the column?) why not relocate it to another part of the newspaper bundle? It is the abiding habit of many editors to turn their publications into self-extensions with all the usual prejudices, assumptions and lack of curiosity. Occasionally, an editor is found with an open mind, a sense of adventure and an awareness of life beyond the parochial. Not here.

Ironic really when you consider that astrology is big among monied millennials. Odd that Style can't keep up. 

To stay in touch with Shelley, visit her website.

Solar Eclipse 21 June 2020: UK, US and Trump