Thursday, November 03, 2011

Kirk Douglas on bisexuality - and why Tatler is now soooo gorgeous

Kirk Douglas by Darrell Robinson
aka Wooden Horse
There's no point moaning about my non-attendance or imagining that I'm dying of a communicable disease. I have the Christmas and New Year horoscopes to work on. I am sozzled on future doings. However, the unprofitable present still has the capacity to stir my torpid interest.

First, I am delighted that the immensely improved Tatler has placed Duncan Fallowell's How To Disappear travel memoir [reviewed here] among its sexiest reads of the year. Ever since the 'spinning vagina expert' took over as editor, and Tiny Tears fucked off to the Mail, the magazine has gone from strength to strength in its championing of aristocratic and models-look eugenics: I can only aspire to the perfected physical and mental entitlements as showcased and celebrated in its glossy pages - but silly me!

This fabulous exhibition of good taste in Tatler draws me inexorably to the second thing to stir me - a YouTube video conversation about bisexuality, threesomes and cock-cocking prison sex. Once again we have Duncan F to thank for anchoring me in the present. It is in his interview with the legendary Hollywood actor Kirk Douglas that our attention is drawn to sexual practices that may be foreign to our nation's prim, comme il faut tabloid journalists.

Kirk wisely declines to say whether he has ever done anything that might outrage the Tinseltown homophobes, but he does reminisce about a big butch cock-cunter who went to jail for 10 years and there discovered that a pretty stubbled face in twilight is a perfectly acceptable substitute for organic relief. Having served his sentence and rejoined the public, our hero reverted to his normal sexual service without apparent need of psychotherapy, priest or agony aunt.

Suddenly, the present has its attractions - but the future beckons once again.

To watch the Kirk Douglas video, click here. Darrell Robinson's gallery can be viewed here.

49 comments:

Anonymous said...

Nice caricature. Scrotal chin.

Ciaran Rehill said...

Lots of guys go queer in The Big House. Kirk is strictly hetero. I am Spartacus.

Madame Arcati said...

Ugh! A poppy. Obligatory on TV newsreader lapels I see. I'm not sure anyone is stricly anything, though Nancy can't dance for sure.

WB Yeast said...

Thank goodness you're back Madame. I thought you'd be lost to 'poetry'.

Anonymous said...

Douglas makes it pretty clear he's never had bisexual experiences. He says if he had he wouldn't tell the interviewer. He then goes ontototalkabout the man who went to prison.

I can't quite work out Madame's mood from this piece. I think she's taking the piss.

Anonymous said...

But Douglas is not taking the piss. He was deadly serious about his writing. That voice!

Anonymous said...

My guess is that Kirk did have some homo encounters. Most of those studio guys did early on n their careers. No big deal so longas it was off the record. Douglas fought to have the gay scene between Olivier and Tony Curtis retained in the film Spartacus but the distributors insisted it cut. Kirk is a noble guy. Love him

Mrs Ian Dale said...

This is like your diary, Madame. Nice.

Floweret said...

The Tatler Christmas issue also contains a list of the 175 most eligible/attractive people in the UK. It's an odd list - only about 15 of them are sexy. Would Madame Arcati please give us guidance and post a list of say the 20 most eligible/attractive people in the country. Preferably with nudie photos. Tatler doesn't give us nudies. Should. Appearance is important. xx

Dartmoor Wanker said...

Who's the bear in the video? Wanna see more

Anonymous said...

How does Duncan get these blokes to strip for him? I never can.

Madame Arcati said...

Mmm, that's a good idea. Of course Madame doesn't find anyone sexy, but does have an eye for the surprise package, male, female and optional. Oh yes.

Madame Arcati said...

Yes, I wondered this myself. I tried to imagine Susan Hill in the bathroom instead but it didn't quite work.

Fanny said...

I have never heard of a spinning vagina. Perhaps Madamew could demonstrate. On Youtube.

Gary Glitter said...

Madame should take more breaks - for her returns are worth waiting for! xxxxx

Anonymous said...

That guy is HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

King Bitch said...

What guy is hot?

Anonymous said...

The guy in the video, stupid! That Tatler should use him to model a range of winter sunshine Speedos in PALE colours.

Humphrey said...

I hate a cock-teaser

veritas said...

I once delivered fish'n'chips to Kirk at a London hotel and charged him 10 times what they cost. He gave me one pound as a tip. They were the days.

Anonymous said...

some guys'll do anything for a camera but nothing for a person

Bi Lover said...

Bisexuals are the sexiest people

Anonymous said...

According to your profile this blog ceased about two years ago. is this s seance?

Madame Arcati said...

Veritas poppet, you celebrity Zelig you. Did you notice anything odd about Kirk? Did he hold a chip in a funny way?

WB Yeast said...

i disapprove of overcharging.

Anonymous said...

Prison sex is still taboo subject. But Jonathan King should be able to enlighten us!

Anonymous said...

Madame-as his lowly gofer for 6 weeks on a film at Pinewood I did many odd jobs for him-once collecting a lady visitor from the West End when he had an afternoon off but couldn't leave the set for some reason. He even requested I pick up something in a little bottle on the way there-Hard Core I think it was. So he just like everyone else.

Ex editor said...

I wonder if Tatler actually read your post, Madame. If you know what I mean.

Anonymous said...

I see we've changed our tune on quite a few things but then was ever thus wasn't it VO.

Anonymous said...

A very chewable chin

Mary Quite said...

Kirk Douglas hasn't gay gene in his quilted vanity case from Balenciaga. Mwah.

Anonymous said...

Kirk Douglas was Russian - says it all

Anonymous said...

Isn't Kirk about 95 now?

Kirk Douglas said...

Yes, it's freaky I'm still to be seen shopping on Rodeo Drive

Madame Arcati said...

Prove you're Kirk, Kirk.

Meryl Streep said...

Kirk asked me to confirm it's him. It is.

Meryl Streep again said...

I mean it is he. And I am I. Who are you?

Madame Arcati said...

Meryl Christmas.

Humphrey said...

Which reminds me - Burt Lancaster's transvestism

Madame Arcati said...

Men posing as women? Whatever next.

The late Edward G Robinson said...

Tony Curtis dressed as a woman too but that didn't make him a tranny. Indeed, he was so manly he rejected Olivier's overtures in the bath. I would have done it for the keepsake.

Anonymous said...

Kirk was always a filthy dog

Meryl Streep said...

How do we know your anonymous? Prove it

raving old bender said...

Was Burt Lancaster a dragster as well?. I was once in a restaurant in the South of France and Lancaster was at a nearby table with a handsome young chap. Next minute Burt stood up angrily and slapped the young man's face and stormed out.

Which reminds me of the manly star my mother adored-Van Johnson who I saw enter a hotel lobby in New York in 1995 and who appeared to be channeling the late Larry Grayson in manners and swishness.
Yet these chaps were also married. Did they lead secret lives?. We should be told.

Madame Arcati said...

Van Johnson was an obvious screamer. Even his manly poses on screen failed to disguise his true calling.

Anonymous said...

The things I've heard about you.

the late Hedda Hopper said...

personally I would like to hear a lot more tittle tattle about the biggest slut in Hollywood-Marlon Brando who screwed anything breathing.

Anonymous said...

Then you want the book Brando Unzipped which tells it all - and more

the late Hedda Hopper said...

Thank you Anonymous-reading Brando Unzipped now and pleased to discover he gave me a good rogering as well.