'Tatlersnob': The man who is utterly obsessed with Nicholas Coleridge

Nicholas Coleridge: In the company of Jordan, Megan Fox, Justin Timberlake et al, he is now a sex object: in this instance, the pin-up of 'Tatlersnob'

Even my most unforgiving critics - yes, you - will readily agree that Madame Arcati has a talent for finding human nuggets: very singular creatures with peculiar tastes. The gorgeous Robin Tamblyn and his preoccupation with Kevin Spacey. Fish and her exquisite fanaticism for Nicky Haslam. Now meet "Tatlersnob".

Tatlersnob, 28, is the alias of a young man who has a fixation on ... Nicholas Coleridge, 52 (job title below), the man who presides over Vogue, Glamour, Tatler etc, in the UK. Recently, Tatlersnob began dropping comments on various Arcati posts in praise of Mr Coleridge: after a while I thought, "I do believe I have spotted another nugget for my Museum of Charming Peculiarities." [I thought these words as a proper sentence]

I am quite confident that Tatlersnob is not a tiresome stalker or clinical loon: he appears to have an incomprehensible obsession with the upper classes (as framed in upmarket glossies, I hasten to add), the aristocracy and Coleridge in particular as icon of the genera. Tatlersnob, after a little persuasion, agreed to a brief, explicatory interview ....

Tatlersnob! Crazy name! Now look, it's become apparent from messages you've left on Arcati that you have a thing for the Managing Director of Condé Nast and novelist, Nicholas Coleridge. Tell me as much as possible what this "thing" is and how it started - do not stint on detail.

I'm a 28 year old male from the wilds of Scotland. I do so love the upper class and the aristocracy. All those ex Eton and ex-Le Rosey types: so attractive and sauve.

You stinted on detail. Anyway, starting with what remains of his hair down to his well shod feet, give us a guide to your thoughts on Nicholas' body parts. I mean, what do you think of his face, his shoulders, tum, other areas, legs etc. And tell us what you think he is like as a person.

Mr Coleridge has such a handsome face. He looks quite sporty and like he enjoys the outdoors. His chest looks quite wide and muscular and he seems to have lovely chest hair. He may well ride and so have very muscular thighs and bottom. AS a good snob I'm sure his crown jewels are well polished and sparkling.

In your dreams what would you love to happen between you and Nicholas, bearing in mind he's a happily married father of four. Share your fantasy - do you have fantasies about him?

I would just like him to take me out to dinner. I'm sure he is a very interesting person. It would be so lovely listening to his lovely voice for a couple of hours.

My own view is that Nicholas is a status obsessed snob as reflected in the magazines he oversees such as UK Vogue, Tatler, GQ etc, and in his rather facile novels which are just about money. How is this healthy? Defend your hero/fantasy lover from my brutal assessment.

I'm sure Mr Coleridge is just going by the old adage "write what you know about". He knows so much about high society and the upper classes, then why shouldn't he write about them? Mr [Geordie] Greig and he made a wonderful team at Tatler and Tatler needs to be somewhat snobby to remain a society magazine.

Christmas is a-coming. What would you love to buy Nicholas and him you.

I'm sure he could could find me some vintage copies of Tatler or maybe get me an invitation to bounce around a stately home. I would take him as my guest as it's always fun to have someone else to bounce around a stately home with.

Tatlersnob! Thankyou for sharing. xx

Dylan Jones - a penis in a woollen?

Press Gazette's Axegrinder reports that GQ editor Dylan Jones thinks all bloggers are "unemployed journalists" shouting at the top of their voices to get noticed. It then observes that his own boring blog has not been updated since about July 1 - plainly a moronic brand tart whose ego meshes with his catalogue has more interesting things to do than murmur quietly on his net stage. Well, that won't last forever.

At a dinner last night, another noted magazine editor said to me: "Dylan's known as the penis in a polo neck."

Dylan's Cameron has more plugs than B&Q

The Etonian look. Note the hair

GQ editor Dylan Jones must have a lot of admirers on the Eton-Boris Johnson-loving London Evening Standard. Yesterday’s edition had at least five plugs for Dylan's new book Cameron On Cameron in different parts of the paper. And today, its Londoner’s Diary tittle-tattle page gives the book another mention: apparently David Cameron will continue to ride his bike should he become PM. Alas, the report doesn’t say where he would continue to ride his bike – through a Center Parcs perhaps? - along Hyde Park’s Rotten Row walkway with HM’s horses? Details, dahlings, details.

The video on Amazon pushing the book is interesting, too. Of Cameron’s private education – a democratic curse or privilege of about 7% of the British population – Dylan Jones says: “Eton has many connotations, both good and bad and I think Cameron has surpassed that.” Really? He still has upper class hair. He needs to do something about his hair. Dylan expresses the hope we’re beyond class consciousness now. Indeed, but that’s a bit difficult when nearly 60% of Tory MPs are the spawn of private schools: I love the way we must buy the lie just because Cameron looks like a winner as I write. Incidentally, Dylan’s boss is the pompous Nicholas Coleridge, the noted Etonian and the World’s Worst Novelist, who most certainly does not wish to surpass Eton's invaluable connotations.

On related matters I have been reading Old Moore’s Almanack, an Arcati annual astrological favourite. Moore predicts no election in 2009. So onwards to 2010 for the New Etonianism!

Ten-Step Guide to Being Dylan Jones

A yummy brochure for Westfield London (a new large shopping centre [or “retail icon” if you prefer] in Shepherd’s Bush) arrives full of scrumptious testimonials to London’s “food landscape”. GQ editor Dylan Jones’ is among them which set my mind thinking about his many, many consumer recommendations in the media ... he is truly a one-man advert for stylish, branded capitalism ... here’s my top 10 Dylanisms. You, too, can live like a glossy mag guru:

1. “'Not only is London the art capital of the world, the fashion capital of the world and the financial capital of the world, it is the culinary capital, too.' Dylan Jones, Editor GQ.”
Westfield London brochure, 2008

2. “'Connaught Village is one of the hidden treasures of central London. Tucked away behind Marble Arch ... it offers ... the best Italian restaurant in the postcode, Stuzzico, run by the unofficial mayor of Connaught Village, Pino Guido.' Dylan Jones is the editor of GQ.”
Mail, September 22 2007

3. “'If you ask me, La Colombe d'Or has become the most English restaurant in all France ... Not only is it an oasis of calm, it really is the most exquisite country garden, the sort that every Englishman would like if he had the money.' Dylan Jones is the editor of GQ.”
Indy, Sept 8 2007

4. Mr & Mrs Smith CD 4 -“Our brand-new soundtrack to the weekend - 'Like a warm bath, this CD will relax and invigorate in equal measure. Now, hand me that glass…' Dylan Jones, editor, GQ”
http://www.mrandmrssmith.com/shop

5. “I spent my honeymoon at various Aman hotels and they're the most romantic places I've ever been. Amanwana is probably the best, because the tents ... are right on the beach. The resort is on the island of Moyo, just east of Bali ... There is no better place to watch an Indonesian sunset drinking chilled vintage champagne."
Observer, February 4 2007

6. “'There hasn’t been one photograph of Comrade [Gordon] Brown on holiday; simply the stock-shots of the Timothy Everest suit (a tailor who I, for my sins, suggested he choose back in 1997 — I apologise: I used to advise Mr Brown).' Dylan Jones is editor of GQ.”
Spectator, Dec 12 2007

7. ... “’While I rarely buy clothes in Milan (when I do, I go to Aspesi, on Via Mon­tenapoleone) …’ Dylan Jones is the editor of GQ and author of Mr Jones’ Rules for the Modern Man.”
Spectator, July 25 2007

8. “’Acqua di Parma would be my soap of choice, principally because of the smell.’ Dylan Jones is the editor of GQ and the author of Mr Jones’ Rules For The Modern Man (Hodder & Stoughton, £14.99)”
The Times, December 23 2006

9. “Jones was in Dublin, as guest of honour, for the launch of the new Nokia 8800, their first luxury mobile phone ... it's easy to see why Dylan Jones was happy to endorse it.”
Social Dublin blog, August 26 2005

10. “In the afternoon, my two young daughters come in to pack the Men of the Year goodie bags: the October issue of GQ, Links of London cufflinks, Jo Levin’s GQ Cool book, Elton John’s Rocket Man DVD, Michael Caine’s Cained CD ...”
Press Gazette, September 10 2007