Thursday, May 24, 2012

Duncan Fallowell: I LOVE Made In Chelsea and its genitalia exposures

Ollie Locke is well made in Chelsea
Dear Madame

I've just discovered the most EXTRAOOOOOOOOORDINARY TV programme called Made In Chelsea. I never watch television but I'd been 'stood up' and threw it on in a huff and there were all these Evelyn Waugh mutants from Mars - they'd all been 'stood up' too! We're not alone! Who directs it? The Mekon? Can't wait for the next episode - they're all off to some futuristic bling palace in the Andromeda galaxy to expose their genitalia to the stars. You must blog about it. Or was it an acid flashforward and am I the only viewer? On Saturday I also discovered for the very first time the erotic wonders of a place called Westfield Shepherd's Bush. An amazing psychedelic crotchfest on my doorstep! Why wasn't I told about it? Was it designed on mescalin? I feel God is looking kindly on me with these cultural wonders dropping like warm peaches into my lap. Best, no.

Love from Duncan

Dearest Duncan

Oh you darling. Made In Chelsea is a slightly sad attempt to emulate the success of The Only Way Is Essex (TOWIE), a 'reality' show that bears more than a passing resemblance to a nature documentary. If only David Attenborough could be persuaded to narrate as the TOWIE alpha cock-cunters stalk their vajazzled* prey in sundry bars and nightclubs, we'd have a masterpiece on our hands.

I've watched a few episodes of MIC (I'm addicted to TOWIE) but can't get too excited about the travails of trustafarianism when an expensive education has been wasted on it. My understanding is that a few Chelsea residents and a snatch of Tatler readers pride themselves on loyal viewing - in other words, the show's audience is essentially the social circles of the 'stars'. And now Duncan Fallowell! I just hope this honour is not wasted on the MIC cast.

I can't believe you've only just discovered the Westfield shopping mall. I used to go there every weekend when I lived near Hammersmith. It is most certainly a bulgefest extraordinaire, though sadly not all bulges are sightly.

Duncan! I insist you get yourself on MIC. Then I'll watch it avidly as you tease, cajole, seduce and then dispatch the monied morons.

Love as ever

MA x

A brief taster of MIC without the attempts of Channel 4 to block embedding or bore us fuckless with ads.



* Vajazzling is a cosmetic procedure popular among Essex females involving the removal of hair about the crotch region - probably inspired by the example of sultry porn stars on Babestation or something. I think the male form of this procedure is 'pajazzling' but best Google it. I haven't the time. It appears that Essex types have unwittingly adopted the Italian philosophy of la bella figura and think nothing of spending all day on sunbeds and plucking eyebrows.

32 comments:

Ciaran Rehill said...

A bald dong? Surely not!

Joan Collins OBE said...

Stop being a cunt MA and get with it. MIC is the best thing on TV till X Factor returns. DF is perfectly right. Gimme Ollie now!!

DRF said...

You mean you've heard of it? And you also seem to be approaching it differently from me - you are applying critique. I'm talking about sheer trippiness. Maybe I'll go off it - I've only seen one episode - and I can't seem to find where it's on - I bumped into by accident and assume I'd tuned into the Andromeda Galaxy. It is sooooo WEIRDDDDD. In the way that Balthus is weird. Or Otto Dix is weird. Or acid is weird. And the reason it's weird is that it's so brilliantly acted? rendered? performed? These people aren't quite actors - they are half real - I feel now I know what Marie Antoinette SMELT like, not to mention the stable-boys. Are there any stable boys? There should be. Stable boys on acid are not to be sniffed at - I mean does the show ever go to the country? To be down to earth for a mo . . . You seem to know all about, I'm staggered, my own little mad discovery and YOU KNEW ALL ABOUT IT - well Essex cannot compete with trippiness I'm afraid. These were walking talking Gainsboroughs aboard Startrek Duncan x

DRF said...

In other words, everything you say is ghastly about it is what makes it remarkable. Commedia dell'Arte - did I mention that one? Grand Guignol. Burlesque. But beautifully convicted - SOOOO odd

DRF said...

You must see MIC in ISOLATION and not part of a TV spectrum. I don't watch TV ever - and now this has hit me between the eyes - sOOOO futuristic - Vile Bodies from Saturn -

Best, Duncan Mescalin Fallowell

DRF said...

P.S. I LOATHE genital depilation - cannot STAND the plucked chicken look all red and sore - so shan't be watching YOUR prog - I've even forgotten what it's called

DRF said...

Look - I've had a worrying thought - about the word reality'. I assumed it was brilliant naturalistic extempore acting a la Abigail's Party but done even better. But are you saying these people actually exist and are playing themselves with just perhaps a little extra twist? In which case it's EVEN MORE SENSATIONAL These are real people of to-day? The species has mutated and here's the evidence!

Urgently, anxiously, excitedly, Duncan

Anonymous said...

You seemingly never took acid, Madame, otherwise you'd not be so negative about MICH

Anonymous said...

Who is this Clare Redhill who keeps popping up?

Madame Arcati said...

My darling Duncan, it's curious that even in your elevated state you hit on the fact. None of the dolly mannequins in MIC are actors. They're just there living their lives, and we are witness to their doings, though it is suspected that certain events and altercations are engineered by the show. I do hope Ollie takes it up the arse soon if not already. It would sort him out.

But there's no script and no storyline as such. The real lives are the show - with the showbiz exaggerations and manipulations you'd expect. After all, real life is rarely that persistently intense or interesting. And since when do cock-cunters converge to talk about their feelings? Such conversations are female fantasies. (For more watch the soaps)

No, I've never taken any mind-expanding/tripping drugs. But I regularly attend seances.

I don't know who Ciaran is. But for some reason he likes to be first.

You'd love TOWIE. They have the best screamers.

DRF said...

These are real people living their lives? No! Getaway with you! You mean if I pushde my finger into one he or she might squeak? I shan't sleep a wink . . .

Madame Arcati said...

Well, they can't act. Warhol would love them.

DRF said...

They are so PRODUCED - yet natural - it is an AMAZING amalgam -

Not DRF said...

what a darling armpit - I could chew it to death

Madame Arcati said...

Now that would be a most pleasant spectacle. I'll see what poppety Simon Cowell is prepared to stump up.

Love A duck said...

I agree with Duncan about plucked chicken look. It's horrible.

Anonymous said...

I thought Duncan Fallowell was an intellectual

Ryan Seacrest said...

I never realised DRF was so shallow?

Madame Arcati said...

No need for the query, dearie

Tim Leary said...

I wouldn't like to meet This Duncan Fallowell in Holland Park at midnight. He sounds like a real old fossil. And what's with the psychedelic references? He is so last century.

Anonymous said...

Made In Chelsea is one of the worst of the TV shows. I suppose Mr F has never watched The X Factor, Celebrity Big Brother and thinks Peter Andre a type of aftershave.

Stalin said...

MIC was made for our times. An Etonian in Number Ten, unemployment at over 3m and Madane Arcati as resident astrologer of The Lady, the magazine for servants. What ho!

Anonymous said...

Whatever happened to the Farah Damji cunt?

W Shatner said...

I see that Madame has failed to italicise the TV show and magazine titles. Standards slipping.

An Aldous Huxley wannabee said...

Has Farah Damji freaked out? I see her her Twitter Account is protected!

Madame Arcati said...

Farah goes funny from time to time. Probably guru influence or something. It'll pass.

Stefano said...

Dear MA, I stopped reading your blog about 3 years ago and recently rediscovered it. It's different in many ways now but you still surprise. If awards were given for surprises, you'd be queen, so to speak.

Madame Arcati said...

Why thank you Stefano, how ambivalent of you. The biggest surprise is that this blog is still on Blogger. Wordpress is actually inferior in that you can't post as many pics; and its formatting is shite. However, if you want to win a few awards, best to go to Wordpress. I'm quite amused at the number of bloggers who are baaaing after awards and prestige. Tragic.

TOWIE fan said...

Vajazzling is not just about shaving. Once the lady garden has been removed, it is replaced by Swarovski crystals about the lower belly and private region. A much prettier sight than nature intended.

Anonymous said...

Is Duncan Fallowell using illegal drugs? If the case, it is your responsibility to inform the police so that he may be locked up. This is long over due I suspect.

Jordan said...

Peter Andre does have an aftershave out. It's called Conditional. http://www.amazon.co.uk/Peter-Andre-Conditional-Toilette-100ml/dp/B004C7O21U/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1338042546&sr=8-1

Its Product Features:

Fruity and seductive with a passionate twist

Delicious opening fragrance full soft Apricot

Gorgeous heart notes Rose, evening Jasmine and rich Patchouli

Seductive finale of dark Amber, Vanilla and Musks for a stunning perfume

Madame Arcati said...

And now I hear MIC may be axed. hahahahahahahha