Warning: The Sun's Fabulous Travel Hairdryer could ELECTROCUTE YOU TO DEATH

PRODUCT RECALL! First off I thought The Sun itself was being recalled on the grounds that it might electrocute you to death, or something. Then, as last night cleared away, I realised it wasn't the paper itself that might electrocute you to death, but its pink 'Fabulous Travel Hairdryer' gift. 

So that even if Rebekah Brooks' explosive hairstyle alone might not dissuade you from ever reading a Murdoch newspaper again, its hairdryer could be the agency of your frazzled, sizzling, smokin' (and permanent) disengagement.

Then I remembered Private Eye going on about The Sun's pink Fabulous Travel Hairdryer. It reported that this appliance had first attempted to give itself away with the News of the World's Fabulous magazine supplement earlier this year. Alas, Rupert - giving no thought to the wet-haired traveller - had then suddenly closed down the paper without much notice; and the Fabulous Travel Hairdryer giveaway was no more. Then (Too many thens! - ed), the offer was resurrected lately because Fabulous (the mag), which squatted at The Sun for a few weeks (on Saturdays), had moved back to its Sunday gig, now as The Sun's supplement.

Perfect time to whip out the pink travel hairdryer giveaway and empty the warehouse which requires rent payment. 

And now the PRODUCT RECALL! It seems that the appliance could ELECTROCUTE YOU TO DEATH. So, please, return it, if you are not already dead. Click here.

Rebekah Brooks: Vanity Fair's rapid, elegant revenge

Rebekah Brooks at Leveson

Selective amnesia and photographic recall aside, Rebekah Brooks' stint in the forensic chair at Leveson drew attention to Vanity Fair - and how a report it ran back in February, on her mysterious rise to power and her reported peacemaker role between Rupert and James Murdoch as Hackgate kicked in, was (she said) a load of cobblers. Or words to that effect.

I must commend the glossy for its slickly lethal response to Brooks' dismissal of its credibility (and marketing opportunism). It has put up a short report on proceedings at the Royal Courts of Justice with a transcript of her denial that she ever played Kissinger between king and heir. The writer is amused by Brooks' 'white Peter Pan collar' and an evocation of 'Winona Ryder's court costume as imagined by Tim Burton.' Others have likened Rebekah's appearance to one of the Salem witches,

Whatever else Brooks' fate, fashion death has been pronounced.

The magazine has also helpfully included a link to its February report 'Untangling Rebekah Brooks'. The words salt and wound come to mind. Perhaps less endearing is the magazine's patronising invitation to watch a video of Brooks' display of selective amnesia and photographic recall - it's 'all quite entertainingly British.' Doncha know.

Vanity Fair Leveson/Brooks revenge report, click here

Vanity Fair: Untangling Rebekah Brooks, click here

Neville Thurlbeck interview: 'I'm in this Sunday's Passion play!'

Neville Thurlbeck.
Photo by Jason Alden (Independent)

Isn't he adorable? There's something about Neville Thurlbeck that suspends all sensible judgement. He needs little introduction suffice to say that once upon a time he was news editor and chief reporter of the late News of the World before Hackgate blew up his award-winning career. To date he's been arrested twice but not charged, the second time over something he wrote on his riveting blog. What's Rebekah Brooks really like? When did he lose his virginity? Who should play Rupert Murdoch in Screws: The Musical? He kindly indulged me with answers, and then some.

MA: Neville Thurlbeck! Tabloid award-winning legend! I can't believe I'm interacting with the man who enabled Jeffrey Archer to bring himself down, turned Max Mosley's life into a national peep show and introduced us to the joys of Rebecca Loos. How much have you been offered for your memoirs? Tell me you're writing your memoirs (I know a great agent, by the way). 

NT: First of all, before I answer your questions, please forgive me if I begin on a very serious note and say how very much I like the curtains in Madame Arcarti’s virtual boudoir. And I’m really rather envious of you having Molly Parkin as a fiancée too as she was quite a dish in the 1960s (and I’m sure she still is).

The memoirs business is something which does crop up frequently. But I can’t fathom who the blue blazers would be interested, apart from media types. It strikes me that it would be a heck of a lot of work to make about £62.50. I’ve been asked to get involved in all sorts of documentaries and drama docs too. But they all want me to pour a bucketload over my former colleagues. I respect them too much to do that. Even the odd one who I don’t care for I may criticise in private but never in public.

MA: Which scoop are you the most proud of?

NT: I guess the Jeffrey Archer investigation was the most worthy as it exposed his perjury, made him stand down as a candidate for London Mayor and sent him to jail. But in terms of circulation, it would have to be the David Beckham scoop which put on hundreds of thousands of sales and went right around the world.

  

MA: And which scoop, in retrospect, is the one you most regret. And why.

NT: The story which saddened me greatly was our Ricky Hatton splash when we caught him taking hard drugs. I was the man who got that famous picture of him snorting a line of cocaine in a bedroom using a hidden camera. I can see why that was a great tabloid story and a valid one at that. But nevertheless, Ricky Hatton is a great person and a wonderful sportsman and I was sad to see him on our front page like that. Since then, it looks as though he has cleaned up his life so I try to hold onto that positive.

MA: All these scandals you've brought to our attention - they must have left you with a sour view of humanity. Or perhaps you have a strong spiritual disposition...

NT: I have a very positive view of humanity. The News of the World was all about human frailty and there is often much to admire in epic tragedy and how people respond and deal with it. I still believe that most people are fundamentally good. And during my 20 odd years on the road, I was always amazed by the kindness of strangers. And yes, I’ve always had a pretty strong spiritual disposition. I go to church twice a month and always have. Last night, I was underground in the church boiler room shifting gallons of paint so we could get our fire safety certificate!  And I always have a drink with the vicar on the first Monday of the month – what I call ‘having a bev with the rev’. Oh, and I’m in this Sunday’s Passion play! Now there’s a little line to pick up for a few of the third rate diary columnists knocking around Fleet Street that like to pretend I’m a celebrity and write rubbish about me!

MA: And now you're reviewing theatre shows - is it true, for nothing? How did the gig come about?

NT: I reviewed the National Theatre’s War Horse for the blog and the local paper where I live, the Surrey Comet, emailed me to ask if I’d be interested in reviewing plays on their patch. They don’t have the budget to pay me a bean but I agreed on the spot! I go anyway and it’s a fun thing to do.

MA: I LOVE your blog. It radiates charm. So few journos can do blogging. Would you describe yourself as a 'seducer'? Considerable charm must have been deployed in your career to win people over. I mean, when did you lose your virginity? What's your star sign?

NT: That’s a very kind thing to say. I’m not sure I’d describe myself as such. As a journalist, I found playing a straight bat was the most successful tactic. And most importantly, to just be myself. The public can spot a phoney and smell baloney from 100 yards. 17. Libra.

MA: Now, look. Imagine you're Lupert Murdoch (the Sunday Times has confirmed Wendi calls Rupert 'Lupert'). What's the one thing you would have done, or not have done, in handling this awful phone hacking crisis?

NT: I would have knocked on Rebekah Brooks’ door when I realised my evidence in defence of the ‘For Neville email’ had been sat on.

MA: Did you ever meet Lupert when he visited Wapping? What's the poppet like? He's Pisces, you know - very clued into surfing people; very seductive.... 

NT: I met him once or twice in passing when he was introduced to me in the office – “And finally, this is Neville, he’s the idiot who writes all the embarrassing, troublesome stuff,” that sort of thing.

He was very low key. The first time I met him, he appeared at my shoulder to read what I was writing on screen which was quite alarming as I was sending a very risqué joke to a friend.

MA: I thought shutting down the News of the World was a bit drama queeny. I know it did the trick of shutting up Carole 'What the hell?' Malone, but I mean...

NT: It was a tragedy. 168 years of history and nearly 300 jobs down the spout to save a few faces. And it didn’t work.

MA: I have to ask this Neville and you don't have to answer. But are you, or have you ever been, in possession of information that could bring down the entire media empire presently called News International?

NT: Of course in 23 years, you do get to see and hear an awful lot and the higher you move up the more you see and learn. But I’m not vindictive and my difficulties with News International were brought about by an ignorance of my true position. It’s complex but all will be revealed and resolved in time so I’m relaxed about it and getting on with life.

MA: Do you miss the pressures of Fleet St? You were mightily successful. What's the one thing on a daily basis that tells you that life now is better or worse than it once was. (Sunday mornings must feel odd - no more sense of triumph/dread).

NT: Life is better as I’m much fitter. I got a border terrier last year (‘Ralphie’ after Sir Ralph Richardson because he looks like him!) and we go for a run every morning. And then a long walk every afternoon. He’s a splendid little lad and we’re best pals. As well as the dog, I also get to see my family a lot more too of course! And they tell me how nice it is to have me around such a lot. I faff about working for my property company/doing charity work for Talking2Minds/reading/going to the theatre and doing the odd trip here and there to see old friends in far flung places. And I make the dinner every night too! There was no point having a cleaner and a gardener when I was around so much so I’m ironing, pruning and dusting too! So I’m becoming quite domesticated.  My family finds it all highly amusing as that never used to be me when I was on Fleet Street. In many respects, I’ve never been happier and I don’t fear for the future.

But of course, I miss the hurly-burly of Fleet Street. When this has all been lifted from my shoulders, I’ll look around and choose my new direction. In the meantime, I’ll keep buggering on.

MA: Do you get offered a hot drink in the cop shop? Are the plods civil to you? I thought your recent arrest was a little odd, a little hasty.

NT: Horrible vending machine coffee. Mr Plod is always very civil to me and I am always very civil to him too. He has a job to do and it’s quite an important one. I haven’t met a single person who would disagree with your view on the last arrest though.

MA: What's Rebekah Brooks like? I was reading a bio of Elizabeth I recently - flame-haired, dissembling, paranoid, rarely ate. While others feasted on 10 course meals, Elizabeth would sit there picking away and imagining ills after a workaholic day of the screaming abdabs. Beating up poor Cecil. Does Rebekah call you late at night from Chipping Norton and tell you to behave yourself?

NT: My view of Rebekah is controversial and at odds with a lot of people at News International who seek to place the blame for everything on her shoulders. She didn’t close down the paper. Rupert and James Murdoch did. While I was her news editor, I found her to be bright, imaginative, inspiring, loyal, good natured, utterly professional and totally dedicated. She could however be moody. And if anyone provided incontrovertible proof that one of her project ideas was unworkable, it could take forever to move her. I don’t mind admitting I am extremely fond of her. I’m afraid bail conditions prohibit telephone calls from Chipping Norton. But if she could, I’m sure she’d call to tell me to calm down and stop fooling around.

MA: If Screws: The Musical ever gets made, whom would you like to play you and why? And Lupert - it's a pity Wilfrid Hyde-White is not around, though I don't think his Aussie accent would've persuaded. To play James Murdoch I would resurrect Max Headroom - but you're probably too young to remember him....

NT: If I am to be the black hearted villain the Guardian thinks I am, then it would have to be George Sanders or Cecil Parker.

If I am to be the wrongly accused man trying to prove his innocence as my family think I am, there would be none better than Robert Donat.

But if I am just to be the bumbling clot who pretends he knows everything and secretly knows nothing, as my chums think I am, then it would need to be Will Hay.

But if you were to go for boring authenticity, probably James Bolam in his younger days as we both come from the same town and went to the same school and kind of walk and talk in the same fashion, although he is a little broader in his accent.

I do remember Max Headroom too. I can even recall the Billy Cotton Band Show on Saturday nights!

MA: Tell us what you're up to now - I see your sister has launched a glossy magazine. If she's seeking a reputable media astrologer....

NT: I’ll ask her. It’s called R&R and is at http://www.randr.co.uk/ (little plug for little sis!)

This week I’m meeting a TV production company in town which is producing a documentary on PTSD for Sky 1, presented by an A list TV celebrity. I have persuaded them (or should that be “seduced them”?!) into featuring Talking2Minds and the men and women we have helped. I am going to give this 100 per cent and do everything I can to help them make it happen. 

MA: And finally, Neville, imagine you're Madame Arcati (I sense your inner thespian) and make a prediction about how Hackgate will climax.

NT: A small number of convictions of some very talented journalists who hacked phones but stopped doing so many years ago when their colleague was jailed. Some people will rejoice. Others will be sad. But life will move on.

MA: Neville Thurlbeck. Thank you so much for your time. Arcatistes everywhere wish you well.

NT: It’s been a pleasure sweet girl. But I still don’t understand why I had to do the interview in this ra-ra skirt?

Neville Thurlbeck is PR Director for Talking2Minds, a charity which treats sufferers of post-traumatic stress disorder. Donations can be made at http://www.talking2minds.co.uk/

His blog is at http://www.nevillethurlbeck.com/


Londoner's Diary on the London Evening Standard followed up this interview here.

Jonathan King on Leveson: 'Dacre was mumbly and Steve Coogan needs a haircut'

Jonathan King, not as Lord Justice Leveson

Jonathan King talks to Madame Arcati about the Leveson Inquiry which is examining UK media regulation, ethics and practices in the wake of the phone hacking scandal. What does he think of Paul Dacre's performance in the witness box? Which newspaper editor has the worst hairstyle? And what does he hope to bring to the party if called to give evidence? Read on....


Q: Darling, you've applied to be a 'core participant' in the Leveson Inquiry - I may have missed it, but what's the outcome? Or if there is no outcome, when will you know the decision?


JK: The outcome was pretty rapidly NO, I'm NOT a Core Participant Victim (not yet proved to be a hacking victim, in the fairly narrow confines of the Inquiry description) but will hopefully be called as a Witness in the next couple of months.


Q: Can you tell us the gist of what you'd like to say to Leveson? For instance, would you mention how Andy Coulson at the News of the World rigged a photo of you in a park to make it appear you were ogling young people?


JK: Very much - the "Pervert in the Park" doctored photo is prime evidence of how one single witness for the NOTW (Editor Andy Coulson), denying they did it, was enough to convince the head of the committee examining it at the PCC (Les Hinton - then boss of News International, owner of NOTW) that the paper had NOT breached the PCC code. The executive "meant" to be in charge of my complaint was Stephen Abell - now Chairman of the PCC. My evidence alone could shut down the PCC.

I believe my entire prosecution is incredibly illuminating to the Inquiry regarding the relationship between Police and Media. Whether GOOD (Crimewatch) or BAD - my case shows how a case can be constructed and get to a conviction with no evidence - just one person's word against another's. Likewise the fascinating "Matthew Kelly" incident, just days before my appeal was due to be heard. I've had first hand experience. For example - how precisely did The Sun hear about my arrest (they were at my front door within minutes)? And was a photographer really strolling through Hyde Park at just the moment I was there being interviewed for a TV show?

Q: What do you think of Leveson so far? Do you think the judge should be careful of saying over and over again that he thinks most of the journalism out there is good and valuable?

JK: I'm thoroughly enjoying the Inquiry. Leveson himself has won a JK Best Supporting Eyebrows Oscar. But yes, his determination to be fair at all points, whilst laudable, is also illustrative of how the law suffocates truth with boredom, even if it doesn't intend to. I fear that the Inquiry might err towards condemnation and restriction of the media where it needs to focus on how the whole system has been broken.

Q: Which witnesses have especially improved or damaged their reputation as a result of appearing at Leveson?

JK: I seem to feel differently to everyone else. I'm a fan of Kelvin's, so I'm biased. I thought Richard Desmond was very good and quite funny whereas Paul (Dolly) Dacre was mumbly, irritated, truculent and snappy. I'm glad Steve Coogan won all that money - maybe now he can afford a decent haircut. Talking of haircuts, virtually EVERY Editor has ghastly hair. Richard Wallace of the Mirror is tonsorially extraordinary. Hislop was fun. Waxie Maxie is clearly not a well man. He dressed for a funeral, kept chewing and gurning, shifting and looking uneasy. I fear he won't be with us for much longer; such a shame. He's kept us all entertained for so many years.

Q: Will Leveson make much of a difference in the end?

JK: I don't think the Inquiry was intended to. It was set up by Spoonface Cameron to make him appear (in the media) to be strong and forceful (bombing innocents in Libya wasn't doing it). I think Leveson himself has every intention of improving things and he can if he doesn't allow himself to be steered into the wrong direction. After all, the horrendous crime of giving the parents of a dead teenager false hope for a few weeks (can anyone explain why that is SO dreadful?) may shock us all (in the media) far more than the inefficiency of our civil servants but the broken system needs far more than a Band Aid and the media is the least of our problems. The millions of our tax monies spent on an Inquiry might have been better wasted prosecuting football managers or paying banker bonuses.

Q: And finally, what's the Inquiry room like? Any BO?

JK: Far smaller than one thinks, no smells or farts but lots of computer screens - apt. The Royal Courts however are glorious - I'll turn it into a hotel any day if they'll let me. It's wasted as it is. To think, my lips have now sipped from the same glass as Hugh Grant, Paul (Dolly) Dacre, Heather Mills and the McCanns! And my buttocks have graced the same seat as Neville Thurlbeck. Isn't life a fascinating parade of excitement.

Thank you so much for your time.

The News of the World: Time to bring it back!

One of the joys of being me is that I can change my mind without shame. So while it is true I rarely ever had a good word to say about the late News of the World, I now say this: bring it back! I don't make this plea because I think it was especially brilliant: its absence simply draws attention to the sheer awfulness of the survivors.

The Sunday Mirror is a thin soup of nothing-in-particular and lame commentary - who cares what the pompous teeth-bearing TV newsreader Mark Austin thinks about anything? Its TV supplement Celebs is printed on nasty cheap bog roll paper and makes the Screws' Fabulous look like Vogue. The People may still interest a few pre-internet thugs who use ITV Teletext to find last minute holiday bargains. The Sunday Express at least has a short story - amazing. The Mail on Sunday is no substitute: its market is quite different and lacks the essential celebrity smut the Screws served up with a side dish of moral nosegay.

No, bring it back. What I need is prurient eye-anchoring to fill the 20 minutes I dedicate to breakfast cereal and two black coffees on a Sunday morning. If the Murdochs think the brand irreparably toxic then retitle the paper as part of the exorcism. The World might work. Yes, call it The World. Most of the staff could be brought back, even Carole Malone from her rhetorical hells, and saved a fate in Finland or wherever. Its return need not stop Twitter's @exnotwjourno2 from writing her Hackgate play.

I'm astonished James Murdoch didn't think of this himself. How much is he on?

Hackgate: The Sunday Times and the gigglers

I bought the Sunday Times for the first time in ages yesterday, thinking I might find contrition over Hackgate on every page. And how wrong I was! Chortles, chortles everywhere. The diktat from on high is plainly to laugh off the scandal, to treat it with amused patience. News International's many critics are not the enemy: they are source material for knowing giggles. Which brings us straight to AA Gill.

Dispatching him to review the parliamentary select committee's bungled inquisition of the Murdochs was a clever move. Such is Adrian's unstoppable eye for physical imperfection, he could mirth up Treblinka. Tom Watson, we are reminded, claimed £4,800-worth of food exes in one year (cue fattist joke); and the committee chairman's reaction to the pie splat was the 'horrified demeanour of a dowager duchess who has discovered a naked Zulu in her bath.' Ah yes, a naked Zulu. Foreign.

None of this gentle knockabout will have exacerbated reader-hernias, but the branded (ie Gill-ish) comic intention, harnessed to a practised prose power, was sufficient to maintain a virtual smirk. More to the point, this souffle propaganda posed no threat to Gill's long-term contract with the paper.

Close by was Adrian's pal Jeremy Clarkson who has already told readers that one of his best friends is Rebekah Brooks. Buried in his usual auto-throwaway shtick was his take on Hackgate: 'The people who knew the person who once met someone at a party who may or may not have illegally listened to Sienna Miller making a hair appointment.' Giggles! Renew that man's contract!

Over on the next page, an interview with Chipping Norton resident Alex James by Giles Hattersley lay in wait. Young Giles kicked off about Hackgate's Chipping Norton set - 'The Camerons, Rebekah Brooks and the junior Murdochs, all hanging out in the Cotswolds, being fabulous and powerful in... honey-coloured homes.' Y'know, bit like Dallas, but with the oil flowing copiously at Wapping. This was mild court foolery, licensed, liveried impudence. Yet the Sun would never have permitted it.

Boldest of all the gigglers was the anonymous author of the Wendi Deng profile, the 'Crouching tiger, hidden big hitter'. She was described as the 'quietly dutiful wife of Rupert Murdoch'; and readers of Private Eye's latest Murdoch pisstake, featuring Wendi and her reputed Anglo-Chinese joke pronunciation, will be interested to learn that she does indeed call Rupert 'Lupert'. Irksome pre-marital gossip was rehashed; even Murdoch's hostile biographer Michael Wolff got quoted without insulting epithet. We were told that the old man's habit of banging the table as he talks 'must get on [Wendi's] nerves at the breakfast table'. I don't doubt it.

Certainly the ST's Hackgate damage limitation strategy is cleverer than the Sun's, but then the market's different. A well-informed readership wouldn't tolerate express attempts to justify, extenuate or downplay journalistic illegalities. Instead, we get the worldly yawn veiled in toothless irreverence, the 'Oh yah, yah. Next!' treatment. The emperor's nakedness is observed without drama; the sense of a passing fuss about nothing in particular is implied in sundry asides. A case of hoped-for Hackgate death by wisecrack.

Put another way, the gigglers made their own case for the abandonment of press self-regulation. Pronto.

@ExNOTWjourno2: Mystery 'M' of Twitter who knows all about News International

Who is the mysterious @ExNOTWjourno2 who has been dropping prophetic cryptic clues on Twitter about the phone hacking scandal? I have no idea. But having once been myself an anonymous supplier of juicy nuggets, who fooled hundreds of gullible London hacks by dint of intimidating talent, I cannot but be intrigued. 'She' answers to Marie and signs off as M. So we're looking for a man who likes Sudoku.

Her bio reads: 'Journalist @ NOTW for last 5 years. Axed to save skin of Rebekah Brooks! Enough Is Enough Of This Horse Sh#t !'

'What is the Colour Of Justice?' she tweeted around 10am today. This afternoon we heard the news that the boss of Orange had resigned. Could Hackgate (and justice hue) have something to do with Orange? Enjoy the game if it's not a con!

Some tweeters claim that M with her capitalised clues has anticipated many of the major happenings in the unfolding scandal. She claims to be on a revenge mission ever since the Murdochs shut down the News of the World and made her redundant. Apparently she declined to sign a gagging order yet it's news to me that redundancy offers have been made to ex-staff. I could be wrong.

The news today that Hackgate whistle-blower, and former Screws showbiz hack, Sean Hoare, has been found dead in his home in un-suspicious circumstances, prompted M to write: 'RIP Sean.. Now i'm really going to go for the jugular... I Don't Feel I Can Continue.. Sean would want me too... This isn't right possums. This situation has spiralled out of control. I will ensure the people behind this pay.'

Of the select committee inquisition due, she growls: 'I have a front row seat for tomorrow possums.. It's going to [sic] ad a bloodbath. NI thwarted the first investigation.'

Another prediction? 'It's Only Monday.. You wait until Thursday.' I'm not sure Madame Arcati can take much more excitement.