Saturday, April 10, 2010

Cheryl Cole consults Dustin Hoffman's psychic!


Jusstine Kenzer

Honestly, I don't know why I bother. A few weeks ago I advised Cheryl Cole and her promiscuous cock-cunting footballer husband Ashley to donate all their marriage bling to Haiti now their merger is on the rocks. It was PR Mark Borkowski's idea, bless him.

Now I see that instead of listening to my (and Mark's) good sense she has been consulting Hollywood psychic Jusstine [not Justine!] Kenzer about whether to dump her husband - is Cheryl into kinky emotional masochism or something? Oh well, her live burial.

Jusstine charges $200 for a half hour consultation (phone, IM, Morse, etc), $100 for a follow-up. You ask her the questions (eg "Should I leave Ashley?") and she gives you instant answers ("Well, actually he's your soulmate ..."). Among her clients are Dustin Hoffman and Ellen DeGeneres. She predicted all five Emmy category nominations one year for a US TV channel.

If atheist propagandist Derren Brown ever pulls off a similar trick, do let me know. Predictions, mind, not "telepathic" mind games in an auditorium full of gullible 30-something Guardian readers nurtured on Ian McEwan novels.

But talented as I'm sure Jusstine is (I may book her for a psychic party in London this summer hosted by Molly Parkin and me at the Chelsea Arts Club), she should listen to Madame Arcati: Donate your engagement ring to a worthy cause - don't let £100k go to waste on a bony digit.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

OMG poor Cheryl. Poor Ashley. Poor Mark. But he loves the publicity. Jack Straw just lost his seat to Jackie Gary McKinnon's mum. Long live people politics. Hurrah.

Jonathan King said...

Jusssstine? Jussssstine? Donate the poor old witch a couple of extra S's I ssssay.

Madame Arcati said...

Psychics love to muck about with their names eg Patric Walker.

Jon'than Ca'ner said...

Nice tits, but zero psychic ability.

Madame Arcati said...

That's enough about Cheryl ...

Diana Prigg said...

Cheryl doesn't have nice tits. Not her tits, anyway. You'll be saying she has nice teeth next.

Madame Arcati said...

Kevin/Diana - stop it!