Cheryl Cole consults Dustin Hoffman's psychic!

Jusstine Kenzer

Honestly, I don't know why I bother. A few weeks ago I advised Cheryl Cole and her promiscuous cock-cunting footballer husband Ashley to donate all their marriage bling to Haiti now their merger is on the rocks. It was PR Mark Borkowski's idea, bless him.

Now I see that instead of listening to my (and Mark's) good sense she has been consulting Hollywood psychic Jusstine [not Justine!] Kenzer about whether to dump her husband - is Cheryl into kinky emotional masochism or something? Oh well, her live burial.

Jusstine charges $200 for a half hour consultation (phone, IM, Morse, etc), $100 for a follow-up. You ask her the questions (eg "Should I leave Ashley?") and she gives you instant answers ("Well, actually he's your soulmate ..."). Among her clients are Dustin Hoffman and Ellen DeGeneres. She predicted all five Emmy category nominations one year for a US TV channel.

If atheist propagandist Derren Brown ever pulls off a similar trick, do let me know. Predictions, mind, not "telepathic" mind games in an auditorium full of gullible 30-something Guardian readers nurtured on Ian McEwan novels.

But talented as I'm sure Jusstine is (I may book her for a psychic party in London this summer hosted by Molly Parkin and me at the Chelsea Arts Club), she should listen to Madame Arcati: Donate your engagement ring to a worthy cause - don't let £100k go to waste on a bony digit.

Cheryl & Ashley Cole: Come on, sling your marital bling for Haiti

Dear Mr & Mrs Cole,

Look, I'll be honest with you. I couldn't give a fuck about your marriage split. That's your business. You're both very rich, very famous, very spoilt people. You are both decadent. Cheryl, your engagement ring alone cost £100,000 - and bought from the proceeds of a legal settlement with the lying News of the World. Don't deny it: you admitted it to Piers Morgan in GQ.

Brand Cole is worth cumulatively at least (but much more than) £30m. Now you are about to divorce. Here's a piece of advice.

Do something useful for a change and auction off all the bling associated with your union for the benefit of Haiti. Fight fight fight for life. Ashley, forget about your cock for one moment and think outside that sullen, self-absorbed nature of yours. You wanker. Cheryl, forget about your pain, your airport poses, your moody pouts (do you really want to be Posh The Sequel?), your silly planted tabloid tales and all the rest of the tabloid shit.

About 250,000 people lost their lives in the recent Haiti tragedy. About 2 million are homeless. Even your bling won't make much difference. But what an example it would set to the tabloid morons who envy your good fortune. Turn your pain into something useful.

Do it.

(Mega-PR Mark Borkowski's petition seeking to persuade Cheryl and Ashley to sling their bling for Haiti  - click here.)

Madame Arcati

Piers Morgan: Is Simon Cowell planning to sideline him?

On my recent tour of London goss salons one rumour pops up repeatedly - that Simon Cowell plans to sideline Piers Morgan fom his TV formats. And why? Because Morgan is just too good and more popular than the dark lord himself.

Really? I express doubts to my sources: Morgan has certainly enjoyed a good summer what with his Katie Price audience, his benign duel with Sir Cliff, his toyboy status in the SuBo universe: only today there's news of Cilla breaking down on one of his TV shows, not about bloody Bobby again one hopes. All very impressive. But Cowell has now attained a Gatsby-like status, confirmed by his £1m 50th birthday party the other day, with his co-ownership of ITV a credible reported aim. I conclude this rumour is just horrible mischief.

Then quite by chance I happen on PR-meister Mark Borkowski's stimulating and always insightful blog where he posits his theory about Morgan and Cowell. Have a read - scroll down to the Morgan pic on the posting. Borkowski is uniquely a philosopher-PR with I suspect a mystical side. Certainly he's shrewd. But don't tell him. Such praise might go to his head.

Mark McGowan - why Bryn needs a Madame Arcati Lick-Wash

NoticeMe-meister Mark McGowan has sent me his latest video - his burning of the effigy of Gordon Brown. Why Gord? Why not David Cameron or that boring polyglot amoeba Nick Clegg or that fat BNP cunt Nick Griffin? McGowan's gone off a bit lately: he really screwed up on Jade and now he's worn the wrong party frock on Gord: Gord's got four planets in Pisces, OK?, so he can't help but be secretive, cryptic, sneaky, dour, grim, insincere, dark: astrologically he belongs to the shadows. Leave the man alone! He is precisely the leader we need for these tiresome times. He'll look the part in the history news footage. Ghastly! It's fate's synchronicity! Ask Sting.

But Mark has accidentally discovered a star - Bryn. He plays the piano and sings a song from 2:30 on (just skip through the Gordy idiot fire bit). I love this man. Wonderful voice, the piano is filthy sexy: his mack is disgusting: his hands are grubby: oh God, some people need a lick-wash, doncha think? D'ya think Bryn would like a Madame Arcati Lick-Wash? What's the song? - one line is "They're gonna take the baby into care" and another is "she's a disposable girl" and "she'll become a femme fatale". Name that tune, cunties.

Yes, Toby Young was banned from film set.

Film director Robert Weide claims in a letter to the Spectator that he did not ban gorgeous Toby Young from the set of How To Lose Friends And Alienate People. He further denies that it was Kirsten Dunst who got him banned. Oh, I dunno about that. I’ve got a copy of Empire in front of me – with bloody Quantum of Shite on the cover (I’ve suddenly decided Bond movies are so over) – and in it Mr Weide writes his interesting diary of the making of the movie. Let’s go through the Toby bit step by step.

1 Toby irritates Dunst by giving her notes on how to act. I think this is very thoughtful of him. More writers should take the initiative in this way. Pity someone didn’t talk to the cast of The Women which is nothing like George Cukor’s ’39 job - if you want something done well get a homo to do it, that's what I say. How can straight Annette Bening compare with lesbo Joan Crawford? Serrated edge meets draught excluder.
2 Tell tale tit Dunst then goes boo-hooing to Weide asking whether it’s necessary for Tobes to be on set. Boo hoo.
3 Weide says “I told her to consider it taken care of” The implication is quite plain. Certainly you would not think he means to reprimand the sex god, as he claims in the Speccie.
4 Weide describes a Tobes email with advice on improving a scene as “complete rubbish”. Bitch.
5 Tobes confesses he gets anxious when he visits the set. Poor poppet. Let me stroke your shiny pate.
6 Weide replies evilly: “There’s a very simple way to relieve yourself of that anxiety”. The implication is again plain – fuck off cunty, we don’t want you here. Who do you think you are, you pond life author you. Bloody writers ….

Toby knew when he wasn’t wanted and to all intents and purposes was banned - thanks to Dunst. Weide froze him out. There are many ways of making someone feel unwelcome. Just ask Anna Wintour.

Toby has invited me to his book party tonight but it clashes with Mark Borkowski’s for his The Fame Formula: How Hollywood's Fixers, Fakers and Star Makers Created the Celebrity Industry (click here to buy) which I have just read and love. I hadn't realised Clark Gable was bi. I shall be reviewing it soon. But whose party to attend? Or maybe I should have sex with a Toby Young tribute act. Decisions, decisions.

Mark Borkowski: 'Wogan's a curmudgeon!'

The world's wisest and most effective PR, Mark Borkowski - in a previous life he was a philosopher; I'm certain of it - has been twittering about me, I'm informed (I don't know what twittering means but it sounds fun). Now I see he has embraced the Eurovision row and echoed some of my thoughts on cunting Wogan, click here.

"I can’t believe the furore over the Eurovision song contest results and the ensuing curmudgeonly comments from the British public and Terry Wogan himself," he writes. This is on the news that the UK could lose its right of automatic entry to the final because of the controversy. It's time Wogan and the BBC fucked off and let the professionals make the Euro music. Mark rightly foresees a "PR disaster".

And while I'm thinking of Borkowski, check out his upcoming book, The Fame Formula, about the Hollywood fame machine. Toby Young writes of it: "Most people think of Andy Warhol as having the last word on celebrity culture, but he played John the Baptist to Mark Borkowski's Jesus. In this book, Borkowski tells you how to parlay 15 minute of fame into a lifetime of pampered luxury." It's out on August 1, click here to order.