Eurovision 2012: Mary Beard's bibliomancy predicts Engelbert's humiliation

Sweden, a worthy winner of Eurovision 2012. I am most pleased.

I am also delighted to report that a recent prediction that Engelbert Humperdink would flop at the show proved painfully true, with the UK last but one. My mystical divinatory tool was Mary Beard's ancient bibliomancy - the use of a book, opened at random, to discover a future truth. This is what I wrote on April 28 2012:

'Actually, the commonest book to use is the Bible. Now, let's see. I'll ask the question: 'Will Engelbert Humperdink win Eurovision?' I open the Bible randomly and (without looking down down on the page) select Ezekiel Ch 33 verse 32 (I swear I'm not making this up): this reads: 'And, lo, thou art unto them as a very lovely song of one that hath a pleasant voice, and can play well on an instrument: for they hear thy words, but they do them not.' Mmm, I think that's a definite No.'

So there, you materialist scum. To read more click here.

Oh, Sweden...

Eurovision: Fancy Jedward not winning. Disgraceful.

They referenced Gilbert & George: high concept pop or what, you Euro-cunts? The gayest duo currently warbling. I wonder if they are practising. Yet. Dare they? Long live Ireland!

Duncan Fallowell: 'My Russian Eurovision failure'

Dear Madame Arcati
Alas my attempts - with your help - to give the queens of Russia a jokey anthem in time for the Eurovision Song Contest have failed. In the event not one of the Russians who contacted me dared set those lyrics to music, not even for a laugh. In the light of current events one can see why and the lyrics remain as relevant as ever.
With best wishes, Duncan Fallowell

Dear Duncan
This is sad news to be sure. With Putin (or the Puta as I prefer to call him) around, is it any wonder? Consider yourself lucky that he didn't kiss you on the tum or burn your house down. My success in ridding Eurovision of Terry Wogan was some kind of service to humanity. But the installation of Graham Norton was the last straw: plainly the BBC still fails to invest sufficient seriousness in its coverage: we must prepare ourselves for a drone of witticisms as the Gin Sours take effect. The UK/Lloyd-Webber entry is beyond pathetic. Long live Russia!
Love MA x

Moscow riot police breakup gay demo prior to Eurovision, click here

Eurovision 2009: Another pretty boy for the Euro-tarts

Norway's Alexander Rybak is the worthy winner with Fairytale - a catchy, fiddle-driven pop ballad. The UK did better than I expected - pity about Jade colliding with the violinist. My second favourite mishap was last year Euro-victor Dima Bilan's flailing annoyance when his jacket got caught up in his hoist rope. He's not so pretty now, especially with the hideous dyed brown hair and cascade raggedy cut. Norton got sharper as the evening progressed even if he mocked a fatso: Sandi Toksvig would have been better as commentator. At least he didn't sound bitter. The fab high-tech stage was overall winner. The Moscow riot police overall loser for their homophobia.

Calling Russians! Set Duncan Fallowell song to music!

A chance to get famous(er) as Duncan Fallowell's music writer!

I learn that one of Madame Arcati's luminous friends, Duncan Fallowell, is seeking a Russian to set a song of his to music.

The work in question, taken from his St Petersburg travel book, is called Nevsky - these are the lyrics, click here. The first verse goes:

I am a Soviet queen
From behind the Iron Curtain.
Life is pretty obscene
But of one thing I am certain –
When you’re sick of revolution and find Lenin a bore
You can strut your polyester near Gostiny Dvor
And if you want a heavy hooey that is red and erect
Hang around at midnight on the Nevsky Prospekt!
Hooey-hooey
Hooey-hooey

You'll have to click the link to read all the words.

Post your entry on YouTube and the best one will be released as a single - do let us know, of course. You'll find a contact for Duncan on his homepage when you click through if you have any questions.

Do have a listen to his marvellous Le Weekend song on that link (click the muscle man pic there) - with one of Micky Karoli's most blistering guitar solos on it, after a deceptively oompah Kurt Weill beginning (play through real speakers and annoy the bastard neighbours and their howling dogs). It should be a Eurovision song entry - I must mention it to Jonathan King. Go on, get composing!

Oh, and read Pravda.
Oh, and let's not leave darling Dima out ...

Jonathan King: 'Let me take over Eurovision again'

The former Eurovision maestro Jonathan King has responded to my post about the removal of Sir Terry Blarney and his replacement Graham Blarney as BBC host of the annual song contest ...

I'm sad to say I agree with you totally Madame; Norton and Andrew will simply make it into another branch of reality TV.

I really wish the BBC would have the balls to let me take it back over, after all, I did bring the UK a win last time around. But the BBC's balls were amputated shortly before their backbone was removed and they grovelled to Mr Dacre and his righteous indignation over Ross and Brand.

Dear Jonathan

I sooooooooooooo agree with you, you would be great; and certainly it would perk up interest again in Eurovision after years of BBC indifference and arrogance - I would end the licence fee tax tomorrow if I had the power. And btw, thank you so much for your delightful Christmas card. You look most becoming in red satin knickers, stilettos and fishnet stockings below a policeman's uniform as you flash your person outside a courthouse.

MA x

Eurovision: Wogan? Norton? What's the difference?

My campaign to rid the Eurovision Song Contest of BBC host Terry Wogan has been a great success: the pompous blarnier has been carted off at last. But only to be replaced by Graham Norton. This is a huge error. Wogan's contemptuous levity was part of the UK's defeatism and amateurishness in the face of triumphant north and east Europeans. Norton is just another Wogan. And with Andrew Lloyd Webber as composer of our 2009 entry, I think we can safely look forward to another "Royaume-Uni: nil points". The BBC is the problem, its whole approach is wrong-headed and arrogant - the inevitable consequence of leeching smugly on the public purse. The BBC doesn't get Eurovision. I shall start a new campaign to bury Norton. Watch this space.

Dima Bilan - the penis (almost)

Is this why Russia won Eurovision? Get with it Sir Terry and the BBC - this is what you're up against, you sardonic fossils.

Is Eurovision winner Believe a copyCat?

Having praised Dima Bilan’s Eurovision winner Believe I am now persuaded that it resembles Cat Stevens’ Wild World. Whaddya think?

Mark Borkowski: 'Wogan's a curmudgeon!'

The world's wisest and most effective PR, Mark Borkowski - in a previous life he was a philosopher; I'm certain of it - has been twittering about me, I'm informed (I don't know what twittering means but it sounds fun). Now I see he has embraced the Eurovision row and echoed some of my thoughts on cunting Wogan, click here.

"I can’t believe the furore over the Eurovision song contest results and the ensuing curmudgeonly comments from the British public and Terry Wogan himself," he writes. This is on the news that the UK could lose its right of automatic entry to the final because of the controversy. It's time Wogan and the BBC fucked off and let the professionals make the Euro music. Mark rightly foresees a "PR disaster".

And while I'm thinking of Borkowski, check out his upcoming book, The Fame Formula, about the Hollywood fame machine. Toby Young writes of it: "Most people think of Andy Warhol as having the last word on celebrity culture, but he played John the Baptist to Mark Borkowski's Jesus. In this book, Borkowski tells you how to parlay 15 minute of fame into a lifetime of pampered luxury." It's out on August 1, click here to order.

Jonathan King: 'Wogan never understood Eurovision music'

Jonathan King - who once was Mr Eurovision - writes ...

"I thought it was a brilliant Eurovision and delicious Dima who should have beaten Lordi 2 years ago deserved to win though no songs entered were real hits this year.

"Political voting? Bollocks. When we entered a REAL hit in 1997 (my era in control) we won by the biggest margin ever.Wogan never understood the MUSIC side of it and still doesn't. A hit song by a great performer (and Dima is a special star) will win if entered."

Thank you, Jonathan. I think you should be back running Eurovision - of course, in my view, the BBC is part of the problem because it wants phonelines involved ie public voting ie shite like this year's entry. When you have a moment let us know how Vile Pervert did at Cannes.

Eurovision 2008: Execute Sir Terry Wogan

Well, the old burbling fool had a hand in selecting the pathetic '70s-style karaoke UK entry. Now he's calling for a Western Eurovision Song Contest judging by his comments tonight - even hinting he may not commentate on another Eurovision. Make way, Sir Tel, make way. Ironically, Russia won with a plausible homage (but minus falsetto) to that well known East European ... Justin "hard beats" Timberlake (just as Greece did well by ripping off that notorious Balkan lovely ... Britney Spears). Judge for yourselves ...

Justin ...


And Britney ...