Burchill, Fallowell (and others) in my new Lifesurfing tome

Such a joy to be back among you, especially given the egregious state of blogging these days. I can but do my best, permitting you a glimpse of Arcati's ancient soul which bubbles with spite and acuity and long memory, though I dress it all up in a sage's garb and vocabulary of daunting endowment.

Yes, I shall be publishing a naked Prince Harry artwork - by a former mayor (only the best on Arcati). But before that exciting controversy, I wish to do what we all do these days - and offer you my ass.

Step forward Lifesurfing: Your Horoscope Forecast Guide 2015. You know the drill. Monthly forecasts of uncanny precision. It's rather early to be thinking of next year; I know that. There are, however, other things to read in my gorgeous tome as you while away the rest of 2014 in anticipation of 2015.

This year I have included a number of in-depth astro-profiles of certain people I find intriguing and entrancing. Julie Burchill, for instance. Yes, I have peered into her horoscopic bowels and found...well, why spoil it? I have included non-astro personal insights and revelations which can only add flesh to the planetary bones of Britain's most revered media opinionist. Duncan Fallowell, too, has been conscripted: the temperature of his heart is a question of some longevity - whip out your thermostats with Madame as we watch the mercury shoot up (or down).

I could go on...but I know you have things to do, such as peruse the latest porn uploads. So I shan't try your patience. I'll try it later.

FREE sample read: E-Book. For classier acts there's always the Paperback.

Gregory Martin: The Beatles, my father and the Jesus & Mary Magdalene love show

Astrologer Gregory Martin

Sir George Martin was known as the 'fifth Beatle', the man who produced many of the super-band's classic albums.

So it's fascinating to learn that his eldest son, writer/producer Gregory Martin, has practised astrology for over 25 years. And in a new podcast on Cosmo astrologer Jessica Adams' The Astrology Show he discusses the professional, creative and astrological relationship between his father (a Capricorn) and Sir Paul McCartney (Gemini), the strongest of all the Beatles bonds, says Gregory. 

Recently, Gregory launched new website Astroaria.com. I'm intrigued to learn of his plan to make a stage show and movie about the 'extraordinary love between Jesus and Mary Magdalene'. He himself claims to have received spiritual or psychic information from the other-worldly source he calls 'The Magdalene'.

He writes: 'I was shown in visions and sounds, thoughts, images and feelings how this production would change the world and be remembered for all time, the beauty, energy, power, and truth of this great untold love story, capturing and enthralling the hearts and minds of millions.'

The podcast also features my horoscopes for October 2012 - all free. Go here.

Obama hosted private Tarot Halloween party at White House

President Obama and the First Lady Michelle Obama flank Tarot readers,
 Geraldine Amaral (next to Mr P) and Bev Hitchins

Sometime soon I shall post my astrological analysis of the US election - Obama looks like the winner, but there are tricky complications.

Meantime, did you know President Obama hosted a private Tarot party at the White House last Halloween for his staff and others? Perhaps it was widely reported and I missed it. Noted US Tarot reader Geraldine Amaral reports that on October 29, 2011, she and colleagues gave Tarot psychic readings to White House staff and guest military families - the Obamas did not consult the cards but were 'lovely, warm and gracious', reports Geraldine, as the photo above suggests.

The event was 'a donation from the Disney Corporation and the Hershey Corporation.' 

More can be read about the party at her site The Spiritual Tarot.

Eurovision 2012: Mary Beard's bibliomancy predicts Engelbert's humiliation

Sweden, a worthy winner of Eurovision 2012. I am most pleased.

I am also delighted to report that a recent prediction that Engelbert Humperdink would flop at the show proved painfully true, with the UK last but one. My mystical divinatory tool was Mary Beard's ancient bibliomancy - the use of a book, opened at random, to discover a future truth. This is what I wrote on April 28 2012:

'Actually, the commonest book to use is the Bible. Now, let's see. I'll ask the question: 'Will Engelbert Humperdink win Eurovision?' I open the Bible randomly and (without looking down down on the page) select Ezekiel Ch 33 verse 32 (I swear I'm not making this up): this reads: 'And, lo, thou art unto them as a very lovely song of one that hath a pleasant voice, and can play well on an instrument: for they hear thy words, but they do them not.' Mmm, I think that's a definite No.'

So there, you materialist scum. To read more click here.

Oh, Sweden...

George Galloway: A poltergeist and the phantom 'Arab prince'

I first heard of George Galloway's upcoming cameo in movie The Enfield Poltergeist last year. That supposed supernatural activity was witnessed in a council house in a very common part of the UK presents no political embarrassment to one of my favourite politicians. The British film is produced by his son-in-law Jay Stewart and is due for release in autumn 2013. For more info, the flick has a Facebook page here.

Btw, The Lady magazine runs a very interesting interview with George, click here. In it he reveals the identity of the man (described by the News of the World as an 'Arab prince') who accompanied him on a now notorious visit to Cuba. In fact the 'Arab prince' was New Labour minister Shahid Malik. Lord Leveson please take note.

In the video below, George introduces us to the true-tale horror recounted in The Enfield Poltergeist.

Prof Mary Beard and her supernatural party game

Mary Beard

It's an old horror movie thing. A bunch of college kids get drunk at a party and at some point unleash dark forces over a Ouija board. So imagine my surprise to learn that no less a sophisticate than Prof Mary Beard - of Meet The Romans fame on BBC2 - has her own fortune-telling party trick, albeit a very bookish one.

On her fascinating TLS blog A Don's Life she tells how at a recent party for her publisher, she consulted an oracle about the 'future of the book [print version]' in the face of the Kindle revolution. Her method was bibliomancy which involves asking a question and then opening a book blindly and selecting a passage at random for the occult answer. Mary practised the Ancient Roman form of this divination, sortes Virgilianae, which uses the text of Virgil as oracle.

Actually, the commonest book to use is the Bible. Now, let's see. I'll ask the question: 'Will Engelbert Humperdink win Eurovision?' I open the Bible randomly and (without looking down down on the page) select Ezekiel Ch 33 verse 32 (I swear I'm not making this up): this reads: 'And, lo, thou art unto them as a very lovely song of one that hath a pleasant voice, and can play well on an instrument: for they hear thy words, but they do them not.' Mmm, I think that's a definite No.

And what was the answer to Mary Beard's question, about the future of print books? You'll have to read her blog - click here.

If you fancy trying bibliomancy for yourself, click here.

Jude Calvert-Toulmin interview: 'Erotica must moisten your gusset'

Jude Calvert-Toulmin

Jude Calvert-Toulmin is one of the UK's top-selling erotica authors. Her novel Mother-in-Law, Son-in-Law is trouncing the opposition in Amazon's erotica charts - both kindle and book.

It probably helped that she is also a recent winner of Come Dine With Me, a popular TV series in which a bunch of show-offs display their kitchen culinary skills for a cash prize.

I have a feeling that we shall hear more of Jude. She's also auditioning for the next Big Brother due this summer. Whether she appears or not (and quite frankly the show needs articulate and intelligent housemates of a certain age to pep up the usual mix of troubled tattooed tots), prime your tongue for that twister of a surname.

Madame Arcati caught up with Jude and discussed erotica, recipes and damp knickers.

Q: Hey, Jude! You little attention-seeker you! You won Come Dine With Me lately - I have to ask: do you get an allowance to buy the food?

Yes, £120, however I got the wine from the finest wine merchants in Sheffield (Mitchells) and the chilli stout from one of Yorkshire’s finest breweries (Wentworth) gratis in return for blogging/twitter/facebook publicity, which helped.

Q: And what was your piece de resistance dish? Recipe please.

Coca Xira. I discovered this Spanish pie on my honeymoon in the tiny mountain village of Finestrat in the Costa Blanca; Vincent and Vincenta at Forn de Pa Pastes bakery described the process and I worked out the recipe by trial and error once I was back in the UK. My recipe is the only one on the net for it. The recipe is on the C4 site: click here. 

Q: Perhaps as a result of this victory, you're also now a bestselling erotica novelist with Mother-in-Law, Son-in-Law high in the book charts. Did it zoom up as you slaved over the cooker?

No, because the show was shot back in October. MILSIL became a best seller in the Amazon Erotica charts overnight after CDWM was aired in the UK in February.

Q: And what's the book about? Is it a transgressive tale of hot lust between a cougar and a hairy cub? What inspired it?

It’s a love story about a middle-aged, widowed author, Julia, whose selfish slapper of a daughter, Kate, spends every weekend at a fetish club in London (inspired by Torture Garden) shagging meeja wanker Colin whilst nagging her lovely rock climber husband to help mother with the gardening. I loved writing Colin, pissed my pants in every chapter he features in. He’s every meeja idiot you’ve ever met rolled into one.

Q: What effect should erotica have on the reader? Speak plainly, please. Is it different from porn?

Buy here

The difference between Mother-in-Law, Son-in-Law and porn is that MILSIL is a warm, honest love story described explicitly. Porn is cold, deceitful and a love-free zone.

Q: And what effect does erotica have on you as you write it? Are you planning to write more erotica?

When you’re writing, if your own humour doesn’t make you piss your pants and your own erotica doesn’t moisten your gusset then it needs rewriting.

Maybe after Drowning and Labrats are out later this year I’ll toss off a sequel as my fans are nagging me to do.

Q: Aside from your own work, which work is the most erotic ever and why?

Lady Chatterley’s Lover. It was an erupting volcano whose hot lava flooded the hyprocrital prejudices of its time. And Mellors is a masterpiece. My husband is like Mellors. Son of a gas fitter, Yorkshire born and bred and takes me in the garden on a regular basis.

Q: I see you're self-published. Did mainstream publishers turn down your work?

The reverse. I turned several of them down. I didn’t want them having my money.

Q: I hear that you may be making a TV comeback on Big Brother this summer. Have you auditioned yet?

No, I’m going to stay in London with my darling friend Fiona Russell-Powell this weekend and auditioning then.

Q: What do you think you'll bring to the BB house party aside from a bubbly personality?

Bums on seats. The BB format has become stale; the public don’t want to look at fame-hungry wannabes showing off, bitching and obeying the production team’s every role-playing dictate, they want real, earthy people with interesting personalities who are allowed to be themselves. I’ve lost count of the number of people who’ve said “I don’t watch BB anymore, it’s crap. But I’d watch it every night if you were on it.”

Q: Who's your best Big Brother housemate ever? And which celebs would you dearly love to share the BB house with?

Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace, I absolutely adored her.

Celebs…

Bruce Robinson (Withnail & I, Smoking in Bed)
Marco Pierre White
Joanna Lumley

Robin Gunningham

Shane Meadows

Jennifer Saunders
Paddy Considine

David Lynch

David Milch (Deadwood)

John Lydon

Olivia Coleman

David Weiner (Mad Men)

We’d have a ball.

Q: What's this about Switzerland?

Last year, a woman I used to discuss BB with on Digital Spy (she was “babycakes”, I was “moonsparkle”) left a copy of my novel My Adventures in Cyberspace in the lobby of a hotel in the Sicilian countryside. Weeks later, a Swiss American woman, intrigued by the cover and jacket blurb, picked it up, read it, fell in love with it and tracked me down.

The novel gave her the courage to get a divorce from her Swiss banker husband. After meeting her IRL at a party I held for fans last summer, she’s flown me to Luzern for the Fassnacht, all expenses paid.

Naturally, she will inspire a character in The Moonbeam, the third of the My Adventures in Cyberspace trilogy, which is about what happens once “The Misogynists”, my protagonist Dominique Du Bois’ first novel, becomes successful.

Q: What's your star sign?

Leo sun, Sagittarius rising (double fire!) Scorpio moon (ouch) and Libra midheaven.

Q: Have you ever seen a ghost?

I can’t see them; I feel them in the trees. The ending of My Adventures in Cyberspace describes this; my Swiss fan said the final chapter was the cherry on top of the cake.

Q: What do your family think of your new TV fame, erotica, etc? Will you ruthlessly cast them aside as you hurtle into the TV stratosphere?

My 16 y/o son cba. My daughter Jodie was the one who nagged me to go on the show in the first place. My daughter Hollie wishes she’d been on it. As for my husband, I’m like a helium balloon. He is the rock which tethers me to earth so I don’t float out into an oxygen-free, scorching stratosphere.

Jude's website

Mother-in-Law, Son-in-Law can be bought here

Jude's publishing company and books

St Catherine of Siena: What really happened to Amy Winehouse?

St Catherine of Siena

St Catherine of Siena (who passed away in 1380, is regularly 'channelled' by the US medium Elizabeth Baron and who hosted on her feast day the wedding of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge) takes a keen interest in the news - as Arcatistes will know (see labels for more).

In Baron's latest newsletter, St Catherine turns her spiritual attention to someone close to home: 'What really happened to Amy Winehouse?'

St Catherine's answer via Baron: 'Amy took her own life by not taking the responsibility for her own health. The amount of drugs and drink that went into her body could have killed ten men. She was a very sick person and everyone around her knew it, not only mentally, but physically.'

I wonder if St C knows anything about rehab.

Astrologer Henri Llewelyn Davies: Telegraph kids of the enlightenment dance on her grave

Henrietta Llewelyn Davies: 1954-2011

In March I reported the untimely death of the astrologer Henrietta Llewelyn Davies. I now see that earlier this month the Telegraph ran an obit of her - the writer thankfully has avoided the compulsory scepticism about astrology that's usually affected in the 'rational' British media.

Which is more than can be said of the preposterous, idiotic scum who have left abusive comments on the obit web page: a parade of numbskull prejudice all the more emboldened by anonymity. There's even a 'Didn't she see it coming' remark of her death at 56.

If you imagine the abandonment of any spiritual interest necessarily spawns greater, finer, more discriminating intelligence in the secular Arcadia then think again. Pig-ignorance thrives whatever the intellectual fashion, wherever there's a well to spit down.

I'm also astonished that hardly any of the notable writers who plagued Henri's life morning, noon and night for psychic guidance have responded publicly to her death. It's no exaggeration to say that Henri gave moral and psychic support to a great many highly educated, highly regarded individuals. More often than not her counsel was spot on.

Sceptics of her work can only dream up reductive dismissals as they sleepwalk their way to the reassuring antiseptic of the Dignitas death camp in Switzerland.

The Telegraph obit is of course remarkably thin on biographical detail and makes too much of the Daphne du Maurier connection. Aside from her consultancy work she also wrote star sign columns for Cosmo, Woman's Own and TV Times, and a celebrity-astrological series for The Times and Teletext ITV/C4. Still, it's not every day that a broadsheet marks the passing of an astrologer. We should be grateful for that I suppose.

(And Henri, if you're reading this, sorry about Madame Arcati. I'm not responsible for the internet)

To read the obit click here

Remembering psychic astrologer Henrietta Llewelyn Davies

I have just learnt that the psychic astrologer Henrietta Llewelyn Davies passed away on March 15. A mutual friend phoned me yesterday - I saw her name come up on the mobile - but I didn't want to answer it. Tonight I had an uneasy feeling the call was to do with Henri so I googled her and just came across her death notice. We hadn't talked in nearly three years after a bust up.

She was a psychic of unusual ability - whenever sceptics decry her line of work I recall her uncanny ability to fathom the right answer out of the blue, to give the right piece of advice. When we first met, at London's Groucho, she was succinct: 'You will never write the Kevin Spacey book'. I had hoped to write a bio of the elusive actor but events beyond my control conspired against the project. She counselled many famous authors and journalists and was their trusted confidante. Novelist Jeanette Winterson was just one; and I know Justine Picardie was a friend. Jeanette wrote a wonderful piece on Henri's astrology in Vogue: I commend it as a rational attempt to explain the value of divinatory work.

Aside from her consultancy work, Henri had astrological columns in a number of publications including Woman's Own, Cosmo and TV Times; and broadcast on the old 1TV/Channel 4 text service Teletext. She had also authored a series of  astrological pieces on celebrities for The Times. Related to Daphne du Maurier, Henri had a family link to one of the Lost Boys who inspired JM Barrie to write Peter Pan  - Justine writes about this here.

There's so much more to say but this is not the place. My condolences to her loved ones and friends; to her partner James in particular.

The Lady magazine and its (first?) astrologer

This week I make my debut in The Lady as its (first?) astrologer. My weekly horoscope column is terse and prescriptive and will (probably) improve your life. It is accompanied by my feature on why astrology is not rubbish - an idea suggested by editor and Virgo Rachel Johnson.

If there's one thing I've learned in the past few weeks on Twitter about the doubters, sceptics and preachy knockers of astrology (such as Prof Brian Cox, the very touchy Piscean who cannot bear criticism) is that complete ignorance of the subject in no way hinders blinkered ridicule. Science has sired a generation that just 'knows' things without research in the same way priests of old heard voices.

I hope you find my column entertaining and true. For a flavour of the magazine, click here The Lady. The digital edition sets you back £1. The print copy £2.

Madame Arcati: There's only one actress who can play me (& she's dead)

Angela Lansbury: Me as Art Deco

My thanks to the American astrologer and investigative journalist Eric Francis for unearthing this splendid photo of Angela Lansbury posing as me. I interviewed him earlier this year - and to appreciate his singular views on the joys of self-sex, click here.

Lansbury projects elegant goofiness for fans of the Art Deco period; and I'm confident that her Madame Arcati (in last year's staging of Blithe Spirit) pleased fans of TV whodunits. But there's the problem: elegance. Only that scrumptious, asymmetrical gargoyle Dame Margaret Rutherford captured the essential wilful otherliness of me in the black & white movies: Arcati is not just some harmless fruitcake with fidgety mannerisms but an ideological warrior of the drawing room who happens to summon up spirits.

She is the timeless crank always proven right. Julian Assange, please take note.

I realise that such ideas are traumatic to diddumsy secular critics who take their scripture from sexy tabloid traditionalist Dr Brian Cox. So as New Year looms I'll move on as an act of charity.

Margaret Rutherford: Me me me

Also, Madame Arcati has no business being tall. This is where Penelope Keith went wrong when I saw her play me at the Savoy Theatre a few years back. I've always regarded tallness as faintly ridiculous and excess to requirements, such as in British Prime Ministers. Only haberdashery shop assistants need to be tall. Madame Arcati does not do excess.

At the Savoy I sat behind Nicky Haslam who wore a thick fur coat throughout the performance even though the theatre was properly heated. From the wafting odour I adjudged that his coat required laundering. But I was too polite to say.

Anthony Burgess, the Tarot and his inner Madame Arcati

Anthony Burgess and his palm

Given the supernatural flavour of the festive season - Christ's cot, the Pope and Shrek meld into a methane-fuelled hallucination - it is with some delight I learn today that the late Anthony Burgess, author of A Clockwork Orange, was something of a Madame Arcati himself.

Not only a student of the divinatory arts, such as astrology and the Tarot, he also wrote a short story back in the early 60s called Chance Would Be a Fine Thing which was broadcast on BBC Radio 3 in October. I am deeply bitter I missed this. Someone will suffer. We now have to wait till 2013 before it's published in a collection of newly discovered work.

We can thank the scholar squirrel Dr Andrew Biswell, director of the International Anthony Burgess Foundation, for unearthing this work. In a Telegraph report Dr Biswell says: “[Burgess] had a strong interest in horoscopes, tarot cards and predictive dreams. In the second volume of his autobiography he even claimed to have predicted the assassination of President Kennedy in 1963.”

The celebrated Tarot reader Mary K Greer recounts: "[Burgess] is known to have read cards at a village fete in the 1950s disguised as ‘Professor Sosostris the famous clairvoyant.'"

Professor Sosostris - has a ring to it.

Quentin Crisp speaks at séance: 'Even homos live beyond death'

A winged Quentin Crisp

The Australian contingent of the Church of Madame Arcati informs me that the late Quentin Crisp has communicated his thoughts via a medium. A recording of the séance has been posted on Australian former lawyer and outspoken Spiritualist Victor Zammit's website  (scroll down for the link on his site).

The voice purporting to be that of Quentin says: 'One of the reasons that I come through is to prove that even homosexuals live beyond death... It proves that the Catholics are speaking out from where the sun doesn't shine. Why, pray, would you not live beyond death because you're homosexual. There's lots of ignoramuses ...'

I have to say that the voice sounds nothing like Quentin's, though the speaker has adopted a pawsh drawl of the Lady Bracknell variety: and the opinions expressed would predictably be those of Quentin. The vulgar allusion to an anus is out of character, however. And Catholics do not claim that homosexuals do not survive death; rather, that eternal damnation is the devil's Pontin's for poofters, though you won't hear old Ratzi with his pussy cats saying that publicly.

As for the voice of Quentin, where's Rory Bremner these days?

William & Kate's wedding day: virgin on the ridiculous

St Catherine of Siena

Further evidence that Madame Arcati anticipates the zeitgeist is the date chosen for the wedding of the century (so far). Prince 'Big Louis' William will take Catherine Middleton, the future Duchess of Cambridge, to be his wife on April 29 next - which just happens to be the feast day of an Arcati favourite, St Catherine of Siena!

I alone among bloggers have written extensively about the virgin St Catherine. She may have passed away in the 14th Century for the sake of her hymen but she is in fact still fully sentient and engaged with our modern world. She employs as her current mouthpiece the US medium Elizabeth Baron to convey her funkily-expressed thoughts and recollections. I have been unstinting in chronicling them.

St Catherine was instrumental in the capture of the Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega; and who can forget St Catherine's claim that Joaquin Phoenix is possessed by the troubled soul of Johnny Cash? Ms Baron, too, likes to name-drop: do read my tale of her seance with the Hollywood siren Lana Turner, still screaming beyond the grave in a most unseemly way about this and that.

Is this honouring of St C by the House of Windsor (1917 - ) some sort of augury of things to come for Wills and Kate? St C's persistence in staying alive bodes well for marital longevity. But her militant virginity may prove irksome in the creation of an heir and spare. Others, more sceptical than I, may wonder about the royal couple's connection to reality given the heroic claims of St C.

Certainly old Ratzi in his Vatican palace must be delighted as Anglicans flail about under old beardie. It's a wonder the Pope is not marrying the pretty pair.

Old Moore's Almanack 2011: More political sex scandals - and a royal wedding?

Is the Cosmic Deity a Tory?

This I ask myself as I leaf through the newly published 2011 edition of Old Moore's Almanack, the astrological annual that's been going since 1697. Foreseeing the reintroduction of "life-values that have been largely missing for 20 years," (ie, since Maggie Thatch was booted out), traditionalist stargazer "Dr Francis Moore" writes approvingly of "discipline, self-discipline, respect and responsibility" in Pluto's wake as it hot tracks its bulldozer through debt mountains via puppets George Osborne, Vince Vable and co.

If I didn't know better, I'd imagine Tory spinner Andy Coulson had dictated Old Moore's diatribe. But let's not be unpleasant. What else does OM predict for the coming year?

Writing at the start of 2010, and presumably before the coalition was slicked together, OM wonders aloud whether another general election will be called in 2011. Sounds as if the government will be riven by subterfuge and plots - foreign to Westminster as we know. July '11 is particularly horrid with "scandals involving individual ministers and illicit affairs". One can only hope there will be a sufficient number of elected LibDems left to go around.

The story of the LibDem whose epic sexual escapades kept the local coppers busy in earlier times has yet to hit the headlines. I'm saying nothing, for the sake of national unity. And the story of the ex-party leader who extra-maritally fucked a famous author in Brighton is also Arcati-classified.

Prince William is unlikely to contribute to bunting sales with a wedding before 2011 - indeed, Kate Middleton sounds like a right madam and is unlikely to tie the knot if the future king doesn't build a domestic shrine to her first. You go, girlfriend! Listen to those Loose Women tarts. Still, OM thinks there could be a royal wedding next summer, "at which the Queen will be a happy and conspicuous participant."

This will come as some relief to those who recall her demeanour at the Charles/Camilla registry job. She did everything but break wind, audibly. Happily, HM is not due to do a Dignitas on us and could very well out-live David Cameron's smug smiles.

Piers Morgan is warned of "over-exposure" in the media next year. Surely not. For loads of other predictions, Old Moore's Almanack 2011 is on sale at £2.50. And visit Old Moore's website.

10 Downing St News: 'Tuesday night's the earliest, folks!'

Sunday Times astrologer Shelley von Strunckel tweets: "Oh, before I go, according to the stars, Downing St-wise, nothing will be settled until after 10:30 Tuesday evening. Just so you know."

BP oil rig disaster 'close to 19 munitions and explosive dumps'

There are numerous munitions and explosive dumps close to the April 20 BP-contracted oil rig disaster that is gushing crude into the Gulf of Mexico, according to an exclusive report on the US website Planet Waves.

This raises the question: Was the initial explosion on the rig Deepwater Horizon (owned by Transocean) linked in any way to these dump areas?

Planet Waves is edited by astrologer/investigative reporter Eric Francis (featured last month). Editors of the website discovered the listing of 19 explosive dump areas in a government database, and have linked to the document.

Sample: 737 (c) Unexploded Ordnance. "The US Air Force has released an indeterminable amount of unexploded ordnance throughout Eglin Water Test Areas. The exact location of the unexploded ordnance is unknown, and lessees are advised that all lease blocks included in this sale within these water test areas should be considered potentially hazardous to drilling and platform and pipeline placement."

For the full story click here.

Manuel Noriega: Did the 14th Century Saint Catherine snitch on his whereabouts?

Manuel Noriega

It's not every day I get to write about the former dictator of Panama, Manuel Noriega, lately extradited to France from the US to face charges that he laundered $7 million in drug profits by purchasing luxury apartments in Paris in the 1980s. I have a strange tale to tell about him, so settle down... and stay quiet!

The respected American medium Elizabeth Baron has confided in her followers that it was she who helped the US military find Noriega in 1989. She writes in a monthly newsletter just released: 'Just after December 20, 1989, when the US invaded Panama, a US Air Force major showed up at Elizabeth's door. This Air Force major was part of Elizabeth's local meditation group at the time and he had just put some young soldiers on a military transport plane to go to Panama. He asked Elizabeth if she would tune in to find the whereabouts of Noriega. "This is urgent, Elizabeth. Could we have a session with St. Catherine? My General is waiting for help."'

The 14th Century St Catherine, I should explain, is Baron's spirit guide: her full name is St Catherine of Siena. Anyway....

St Catherine

'So they met later at her office to see if she could help. Elizabeth lay down on her couch, and began to channel St Catherine in hopes that she would help. She stated that Noriega was being sheltered in a large white building with a red slate roof on a beautiful lake or body of water. He is being hidden in this place where women wear long flowing robes (habits) and they are treating him well.

'The Major immediately knew that Catherine was talking about the Vatican Embassy in Panama. Within a few hours, according to what he relayed to Elizabeth, black hawk helicopters were surrounding the Embassy with foghorns, demanding Noriega to come out of his hiding. Sometime after, he was arrested and brought to Miami, where he served many years in prison.'

It's certainly true that Operation Nifty Package - the US Navy SEAL operation tasked to capture Noriega - found him in the Apostolic Nunciature in Panama City. It was perhaps unfortunate that though St Catherine owes her modern celebrity to the Roman Catholic Church, The Holy See back in 1989 was most put out by the raucous music played by the US soldiers in order to flush Noriega out - this included I Fought The Law by The Clash - and was not entirely helpful.

Is there any merit in Baron's story? I have no idea. But I'm not going to tolerate some newspaper moronic atheist censoring it.  Here's Elizabeth Baron's website.

Do readers of The Lady masturbate?

Astrologer Eric Francis foretold on Madame Arcati that masturbation holds the liberating key to better relationships in the future. A sign that he must be on the right lines comes from Rachel Johnson in the Guardian today, invited for the umpteenth time to talk about her once genteel magazine The Lady: "I can't speculate as to whether Lady readers have masturbated," she says, "but my wild guess is they might have done."

I wonder if the magazine's stately owner Mrs Budworth has given the matter any thought.