William & Kate's wedding day: virgin on the ridiculous

St Catherine of Siena

Further evidence that Madame Arcati anticipates the zeitgeist is the date chosen for the wedding of the century (so far). Prince 'Big Louis' William will take Catherine Middleton, the future Duchess of Cambridge, to be his wife on April 29 next - which just happens to be the feast day of an Arcati favourite, St Catherine of Siena!

I alone among bloggers have written extensively about the virgin St Catherine. She may have passed away in the 14th Century for the sake of her hymen but she is in fact still fully sentient and engaged with our modern world. She employs as her current mouthpiece the US medium Elizabeth Baron to convey her funkily-expressed thoughts and recollections. I have been unstinting in chronicling them.

St Catherine was instrumental in the capture of the Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega; and who can forget St Catherine's claim that Joaquin Phoenix is possessed by the troubled soul of Johnny Cash? Ms Baron, too, likes to name-drop: do read my tale of her seance with the Hollywood siren Lana Turner, still screaming beyond the grave in a most unseemly way about this and that.

Is this honouring of St C by the House of Windsor (1917 - ) some sort of augury of things to come for Wills and Kate? St C's persistence in staying alive bodes well for marital longevity. But her militant virginity may prove irksome in the creation of an heir and spare. Others, more sceptical than I, may wonder about the royal couple's connection to reality given the heroic claims of St C.

Certainly old Ratzi in his Vatican palace must be delighted as Anglicans flail about under old beardie. It's a wonder the Pope is not marrying the pretty pair.

John Waters: Johnny Mathis and loving your polar opposite

Illustration by Eric Hanson

Last time I was in Baltimore I had an opportunity to meet the cult filmmaker John Waters - director of Pink Flamingos, Hairspray, all the crazy movies I hope to watch again in my last week on this planet (mid-century, bitches). It was an opportunity I passed on... there was a trannies' street party to attend. And meeting one's minor gods is always a mistake. I've never recovered from a 1-2-1 with the actual Gore Vidal.

Now I'm delighted to see that Beautiful Books is to bring out Waters' Role Models later this year. It's a memoir of sorts hitched to the stars who've inspired him and whom he worships: the religious instinct can never be expunged, please note. Among these idols are Denton Welch, ex-Manson follower Leslie van Houten, lesbian stripper Zorro and outsider pornographers Bobby Garcia and David Hurles. And Saint Catherine of Siena - you may recall that St Catherine now communicates through the US clairvoyante Elizabeth Baron: indeed, she's friends with the late Hollywood drama queen Lana Turner. Only Madame Arcati can be trusted to tell you this stuff.

Another Waters idol is singer Johnny Mathis - the two men even get to meet (read this taster from Role Models, scroll down). Waters describes the veteran smoothy as "the polar opposite of me" and asks: "Do we secretly idolize our imagined opposites, yearning to become the role models for others we know we could never be for ourselves?" And he recollects: "When I taught filmmaking at a jail in Maryland in the 1980s, I always got my class to loosen up by doing improv and asking them to play 'the exact opposite of yourself.'"

I like this game. I've been thinking of some celebs who might benefit from some improv of their polar opposites

Simon Cowell - Divine
Pope Benedict - Dirk Diggler
Sarah Palin - La Cicciolina
Martin Amis - Katie Price
Richard Dawkins - Michael Jackson's Bubbles
Victoria Beckham - Daw Aung San Suu Kyi
Russell Crowe - Jo Brand
Piers Morgan - Marcel Marceau
Nick Clegg - Nick Clegg

Beautiful Books blog

Manuel Noriega: Did the 14th Century Saint Catherine snitch on his whereabouts?

Manuel Noriega

It's not every day I get to write about the former dictator of Panama, Manuel Noriega, lately extradited to France from the US to face charges that he laundered $7 million in drug profits by purchasing luxury apartments in Paris in the 1980s. I have a strange tale to tell about him, so settle down... and stay quiet!

The respected American medium Elizabeth Baron has confided in her followers that it was she who helped the US military find Noriega in 1989. She writes in a monthly newsletter just released: 'Just after December 20, 1989, when the US invaded Panama, a US Air Force major showed up at Elizabeth's door. This Air Force major was part of Elizabeth's local meditation group at the time and he had just put some young soldiers on a military transport plane to go to Panama. He asked Elizabeth if she would tune in to find the whereabouts of Noriega. "This is urgent, Elizabeth. Could we have a session with St. Catherine? My General is waiting for help."'

The 14th Century St Catherine, I should explain, is Baron's spirit guide: her full name is St Catherine of Siena. Anyway....

St Catherine

'So they met later at her office to see if she could help. Elizabeth lay down on her couch, and began to channel St Catherine in hopes that she would help. She stated that Noriega was being sheltered in a large white building with a red slate roof on a beautiful lake or body of water. He is being hidden in this place where women wear long flowing robes (habits) and they are treating him well.

'The Major immediately knew that Catherine was talking about the Vatican Embassy in Panama. Within a few hours, according to what he relayed to Elizabeth, black hawk helicopters were surrounding the Embassy with foghorns, demanding Noriega to come out of his hiding. Sometime after, he was arrested and brought to Miami, where he served many years in prison.'

It's certainly true that Operation Nifty Package - the US Navy SEAL operation tasked to capture Noriega - found him in the Apostolic Nunciature in Panama City. It was perhaps unfortunate that though St Catherine owes her modern celebrity to the Roman Catholic Church, The Holy See back in 1989 was most put out by the raucous music played by the US soldiers in order to flush Noriega out - this included I Fought The Law by The Clash - and was not entirely helpful.

Is there any merit in Baron's story? I have no idea. But I'm not going to tolerate some newspaper moronic atheist censoring it.  Here's Elizabeth Baron's website.

Lana Turner still screaming beyond the grave

Lana Turner

As all the action on this site is happening over a post I put up last year on the pathetic Madeleine Foundation - its Express-reading rabble fans think I'm Dame Antichrist (titter) - I suppose I should keep things going up top. Just as I am about to give up for the day - even I am sometimes stilled by a lack of wind - a newsletter from a New York-based medium plops into my inbox. Among its many themes: the late Hollywood siren and MGM queen Lana Turner.

What a great name. The only other Lana I've ever heard of is Lana Lang, the redtop bitch rival of Lois Lane for Superman's cock. Anyone called Lana must be a case.

Anyhow, the newsletter. It's from a medium called Elizabeth Baron ("Liz"). She's quite well known in psychic circles. Her guardian angel is St Catherine of Siena, and Liz believes in aliens. In her latest epistle she tells of a seance she held at the Palace Theatre in NY before an audience of Broadway queens. The plan was to contact the spirit of Judy Garland. Unfortunately the dead diva was so fashionably late she didn't turn up at all. Lana - an old neighbour of Judy in life - did instead.

Liz reports: "Lana Turner came through screaming at her dead husband for molesting her daughter. One of the stars knew her daughter and passed on Lana's cry to her for forgiveness."

Lana was married eight times to seven men so her screaming fit must have been at her fourth hubby, Tarzan star Lex Barker. Lana's daughter, Cheryl Crane, alleged his sexual assaults in her 1988 autobio Detour: a Hollywood Tragedy - My Life With Lana Turner, My Mother. Doubtless Liz is well acquainted with this work lest we imagine Lana was offering an exclusive here.

Cheryl Crane

It's awful to think Lana's still screaming at Lex after all these years. And since Lana and Cheryl were reconciled in 1981 it seems odd that Lana seeks forgiveness through a medium, even though she threw Lex out at the point of a gun when she learnt of the abuse. And last year Cheryl wrote the affectionate Lana: the Memories, the Myths, the Movies which, as the Sunday Times put it, "is a celebration of her mother’s extreme beauty ... in a touching way, it’s also a deliberate act of forgiveness."

There, Lana. You're forgiven. No need to trouble Liz anymore.

(And here's Cheryl's estate agency website in Palm Springs. On her books is this delightful property below in Los Altos, CA. A snip at just under $5m)