Eurovision 2012: Mary Beard's bibliomancy predicts Engelbert's humiliation

Sweden, a worthy winner of Eurovision 2012. I am most pleased.

I am also delighted to report that a recent prediction that Engelbert Humperdink would flop at the show proved painfully true, with the UK last but one. My mystical divinatory tool was Mary Beard's ancient bibliomancy - the use of a book, opened at random, to discover a future truth. This is what I wrote on April 28 2012:

'Actually, the commonest book to use is the Bible. Now, let's see. I'll ask the question: 'Will Engelbert Humperdink win Eurovision?' I open the Bible randomly and (without looking down down on the page) select Ezekiel Ch 33 verse 32 (I swear I'm not making this up): this reads: 'And, lo, thou art unto them as a very lovely song of one that hath a pleasant voice, and can play well on an instrument: for they hear thy words, but they do them not.' Mmm, I think that's a definite No.'

So there, you materialist scum. To read more click here.

Oh, Sweden...

Eurovision: Fancy Jedward not winning. Disgraceful.

They referenced Gilbert & George: high concept pop or what, you Euro-cunts? The gayest duo currently warbling. I wonder if they are practising. Yet. Dare they? Long live Ireland!

Eurovision 2009: Another pretty boy for the Euro-tarts

Norway's Alexander Rybak is the worthy winner with Fairytale - a catchy, fiddle-driven pop ballad. The UK did better than I expected - pity about Jade colliding with the violinist. My second favourite mishap was last year Euro-victor Dima Bilan's flailing annoyance when his jacket got caught up in his hoist rope. He's not so pretty now, especially with the hideous dyed brown hair and cascade raggedy cut. Norton got sharper as the evening progressed even if he mocked a fatso: Sandi Toksvig would have been better as commentator. At least he didn't sound bitter. The fab high-tech stage was overall winner. The Moscow riot police overall loser for their homophobia.