Sunday, May 03, 2009

Alternative Miss World 2009: Body parts to dream of


Mr & Ms Andrew Logan (photo by iJPanda)

“Is that a vagina?” Ruby Wax demanded to know as co-host of Andrew Logan's Alternative Miss World 2009. Three large sails had made a grand entrance on the stage - a vagina was not the first thing they reminded me of, unless you‘re talking about an acute case of thrush. On a similar theme she added later of more imagined stylised pudenda: “There’s a strong smell of fish in the air.”

Yes, so moving on …

The 12th in the series since 1972, this Crufts-inspired AMW was once again the post-Warholian dry debauch of androgynous excess. The venue this time was The Roundhouse in London’s Camden and the theme The Elements - happily, only very loosely taken as inspiration.

Miss Flotsam told how she hates tidy beaches, and Miss No Signs Of Any Civilisation Whatsoever complained of traces of rust on her underbelly. I liked Miss Trailer Trasher’s boast that she has enough residual energy to become extremely unpleasant while Miss Bubbles Of Hope was composed of 78% air, 17% alcohol and 5% grape resin. Miss Majordha Beach's helium-inflated balloons, representing clouds, broke away and collected on a roof trap high up: I wondered who pops them in the morning. When Miss Sahhara gave birth to Africa I prayed Madonna wouldn't materialise and adopt it.

I can’t remember who won now but if it was the Miss who was hoisted aloft out of a tank-size puffball skirt then I concur - was that Miss Hokusai? Please write in.


Actually, the winner was Miss Fancy Chance

Andrew appeared as principal and exemplary host and hostess in a male/female harlequin-style get-up: to Ruby he probably looked like a badly bruised vagina with labial piercings and mirror adornments. Not for me to reason why.

My fiancee Molly Parkin was one of the judges and she took me as her VIP guest. We’d rendezvoused at the Chelsea Arts Club first - she was dressed as a thunderstorm in black and sparkling red. But since flashlight is white we recast her as a volcanic eruption with lava flows. I wore a dark velvet suit - a cloud seeking a silver lining.

Molly Parkin and Bruce Lacey (photo by Frances Lynn, see below)

In the Roundhouse’s VIP gallery other judges and their friends and/or fuckees joined us: Julian Clary - he asked me how he could find Madame Arcati on the internet: his delightful friend wore a pink balloon; Ken Russell, who sported a one-piece tent, his fifth or sixth wife and feet bandages; Time Out boss Tony Elliott - I told him I approved of his acting editor Mark Frith and he said “He’s good, I hope he stays”; the wonderful eccentric and performance artist Bruce Lacey - in one minute he twice fell off a pouffe, yet danced later; Zandra Rhodes; Tim Currey (great new teeth), oh, and so many others. Btw, Molly got the biggest aud cheer during the introductions.

One guest told me how she'd been Miss Conception in '81 - "and we had these props to represent artificial insemination". Now her daughter was about to open the show singing La Vie En Rose - "Andrew told me to wear a little black dress so people might think, 'Am I at the right show?'" Another guest told me: "I came second to Ursula Andress once in a beauty pageant ... "

The striking thing about the judging panel, in contrast to the huge youthy throng below with their muscle and tatts, was their age: both Bruce and Ken are over 80, many of the others in their 60s and 70s. Even Julian is close to 50 though looks closer to 30. This I like. All these Yodas presiding over the stripling Anakins for mischief and mayhem. Pass the lightsabre, darling.

From the gallery I peered down on the Misses preparing their costumes backstage: a multicoloured prosthetic body parts tip, lit by dressing room mirror lamps, with young lithe bodies seeking drag heaven. The show was tremendous fun. I can’t imagine why it’s not on ITV1 - it’s a telegenic spectacle, funny, and it doesn’t have Simon Cowell pulling panto faces. What more do you want? No wonder Michael Grade’s on his way out.

“He’s being strangled by a penis,” shouted Ruby as a monster tower-costume collapsed on stage. For once she was right. She may not know her cunt but she can certainly spot a cock.

My new friend the author Frances Lynn has some good pics of the judges and guests, click here. She's also written this enlightening piece on Madame Arcati here. Yet more amazing photos at frillip moolog, here. Ken Russell writes about the show in The Times.

Incidentally, I was much taken by The Irrepressibles, a 10-piece orchestra - fronted by the "angel-throated, androgynous, Jamie McDermott" - that was part of the entertainment

And Bishi

54 comments:

forgotten ones fund/stephmastini said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

MA:"I can’t remember who won now ..."

Well, apparently you sure had a blast! It must have been so much fun; you're right, pity no one is smart enough to make an offer to Logan to broadcast on the telly somewhere for more people to enjoy the madness. I'm sure Andrew Logan didn't look anything like whatever it is you describe Ruby could have thought he was - lovely man.

Also, I'm glad there are still places where the young at heart and spirit are still appreciated (as well as their opinions); with a bit of luck we'll all get there eventually and wouldn't be happy if we were pushed aside.

Drink lots of fluids today darling; hopefully it will help you recall unimportant details (like who won - xD) later and tell us more about all the fun! ox

Madame Arcati said...

Thankyou darling - it was tremendous fun and you'd have loved it. So would Paula Abdul who's half-used to camp already, so the Alt Miss World would have taken her to a logical conclusion.

I'm really happy you're making progress, have been thinking of you and wondering how it's all going. Molly's doing an exhibition of her paintings in Croatia later this year - perhaps you'd pop by ....

Madame Arcati said...

Dear OX, I am a bit dehrydated, there was NO food!

Anonymous said...

A fantastic piece of writing Madame - I was there and you got the fun of it. I think I now who you are, loved the suit!

Anonymous said...

Awesome!

Miss Take said...

I think you're being kind about Ruby Wax. I don't think she was right for the show at all, and her witticisms were off-colour. Andrew was fabulous as was the rest of the show.

forgotten ones fund/stephmastini said...

had a few slip ups in my post..still on pain meds...
Croatia and Molly! I consider that a delightful invitation..hopefully soon, I will be exhibiting again...
s!

Anonymous said...

Well, when I read Ruby had been the co-host, it also struck me a bit awkward and I too thought she may not have been quite right for the show, but being "off colour" altogether is precisely on what Ruby has built her career in the UK. I'm thinking, that is exactly why Andrew thought she would be perfect for the show; just to emphasise on the shock the contestants would cause on a knucklehead like she plays up to be, to the added delight of all contestants and other participants - they don‘t exactly go to the trouble of creating those costumes for hearing Oooohs, aaaahs and rabid applause; that would almost be a bit disappointing. I‘m sure if you ask others in attendance you will find they were most amused by her comments and reactions; all part of the fun.

Lovely custom MissTea Cup and she seemed to be walking on Louboutin shoes. Hopefully Andrew will post good "licit" clips of his own; I see he had a big screen running...

forgotten ones fund/stephmastini said...

here's the orignal post...found it..!

once again MA, another divine event that I would have loved to attend..sounds like another "Garden of Earthly Delights"...Did you take any other photos?

What do you think Paula Abdul's reaction would have been as a judge! She is an enigma yet delightfully ridiculous... truly a woman that is insecure and wants so hard to please..
Are there any highlights that you can tell me about that you can't blog..oh, why would I even think that you would hold back!

Glad to report, that I am coming along. Lots of stories to relate, though I was in a state of dilaudid bliss...

Sounds like your soiree with Molly was a smashing success; I feel so stifled here. I wish there were more eccletic parties and events to attend. If Molly can't make the next Dali-esque campy party, don't hesitate to invite me to escort you..or visa versa!...is that why you blogged so late in the day!!
The Turks are sounding better everyday..and
I can show off my new set!
steph....xoxox

Anonymous said...

I've never forgotten when Divine hosted Alternative Miss World, totally excellent. Wished I'd seen this. x

Anonymous said...

Divine was the best ever at an Alternative Miss World - there's a video clip of that. Can Madame locate it? Swonderful.

Madame Arcati said...

I can only find an interview with Andrew talking about Divine - may need some help as videos are not always accurately tagged.

Anonymous said...

I've always been intrigued by Logan, he's always there but I have yet to read an interview that explains him properly. He's behind so many things yet an enigma. This is the first piece I've ever read about one of his shows that brings them to life. Well done.

Anonymous said...

This reminded me of a joke that i heard that went like this....man and woman in a lift...man says to woman "can I smell your vagina??", woman most shocked says"NO you cant!"...Man says, "must be your feet then"

Frances Lynn said...

Divine fanatics can viewed her on Richard Gayer's 1980 AMW documentary (the one in a tent on Clapham Common). Google it - available from Borders:

Frances

Anonymous said...

Is that THE Frances Lynn?

Anonymous said...

Oh God, Divine - I miss her more than John Lennon!

The late Andy Warhol said...

Warhol, Warhole, WarHOLE, WarWHOLE

Anonymous said...

Interesting report on Frances Lynn's site about you, Madame

Anonymous said...

Bruce Lacey looks like a Chelsea Pensioner, Molly looks Divine.

The late Derek said...

Night of the Living Dead - so let's not forget Derek Jarman who was there in smoke

veritas said...

Wow..what memories this brings back as an old party-goer at Alternative Miss World's from many years ago. If I'm correct-Divine compared the contest that was filmed by the late Derek Jarman when the event was held in a circus tent in Battersea Park.(this should be on youtube or somewhere ?)Thank God Andrew Logan is still keeping the flame alive. Nice report MA ! What fun ! Molly Parkin looks just the same as she did 20 years ago and yes-is that really THE Francis Lynn from the Ritz ?..does she have a website ? remember when I accidently broke a lovely piece of Art Deco in your kitchen a 100 years ago Francis ?

Frances Lynn said...

Hello 'Veritas'! Yes, this is 'the Frances Lynn' still in one piece! And, it all seemed like yesterday - not xx

For my website - click on:



Frances Lynn

veritas said...

My apologies..that's Frances with an E not Francis with an I.

At a small party tonight on the otherside of the planet, I mentioned your name to a blast from the past and he sends his warmest regards..Robert Rosen !.

Robert Maxwell RIP said...

Hardly anything in the newspapers about this, so Madame Arcati, you've done us a favour here. I pray for more redundancies in the print press.

Anonymous said...

Frances Lynn claims you're a man but aren't you just a butch woman? How can you tell?

Frances Lynn said...

Veriats, please send all my love to Robert. I look forward to viewing his photo exhibition!

iJPanda said...

Darling, loved the picture of Andrew - gosh it looks sooo much like my humble snap. I'm sure you didn't mean to leave off a picture credit but if it IS my pic love you to say so sweetie... Hugs from LA

Madame Arcati said...

Darling, I thought it was a publicity pic from Logan Inc, but I am happy to place your credit. A most excellent image.

Anonymous said...

Hello All!!!

Its Miss Dementia Precox aka Miss Stormina Teacoup!!

Thank you for you kind comments about my tea cup! I had one of the best experiences of my life being a part of that show and production!! I was fighting to take my make off when i went home!!!

Should anyone wish to book be for performances please contact

Serena@saucycow.com

Madame Arcati said...

Dear Miss Dementia Precox aka Miss Stormina Teacoup, you were simply wonderful. I'm impressed you're tripolar, I mean, Kerry Katona is only bipolar and that's after it's been snowing chez Iceland.

Would you like to talk with Madame Arcati about yourself - I'd send you some email questions - the world will read and lose count!

Best of luck sweetheart - be kind to the servants on your way up.

The Maid said...

She cut me in the street awready

Anonymous said...

Ahhh... so it was Clapham Common and Richard Gayer who filmed-not the wonderful but departed Jarman. I must track it down seeing I feature in it-but in what role I'm not telling.

I've often wondered whether Andrew Logan's carrer has had so many stops and starts, ups and downs because of all those mirrors he smashes to make that mad jewellery of his.

And Anon-I don't think it's possible to explain Logan-he just IS and that's all that matters. In fact, I think the times are right for Andrew to find his full glory as he was years ahead of his time.

Congrats Miss Stormina TeaCoup. From that fuzzy mobile phone video you were certainly a favourite of the cinematographer and the most elegant tea and saucer twirler I've ever seen.

veritas said...

veritas has left a new comment on your post "Alternative Miss World 2009: Body parts to dream o...":

oh dear oh dear..the net is bringing out the worst in some people.

Not only have I been under a sustained attack for an interview with MA (sought by her-not me), dear Ms Lynn vicously puts the boot in on her blog (but sadly gives no-one the right of reply).

Wasn't her column on the-some might say a "peripheral" newspaper Ritz, called 'Bitch' ?

Sorry Frances but I have been in your kitchen-once-and I broke something. Maybe it wasn't a piece of art deco (perhaps my current mania for collecting it influences my memory).

But it was over 25 fucking years ago so one can be forgiven for slight lapses in memory. Was it Richmond? I can't remember but you collected some sort of junk and had ontop of a fridge or shelf, you rude cow.

I mean it was hardly a friggin priviledge being invited into Frances Lynn's fucking kitchen, was it ?. Christ you make it sound like was fucking Buckingham Palace !.

Nor have I ever lived in a "London squat" as you say, not did I say I did.

I don't mind being called a "twilight creature"- but I didn't "feed stories to the Nationals"-but I certainly sold stories to newspapers, includng week-long features, and magazines and have been irregularly employed by many ever since. I hope you have.

Sure I may "blatantly name-drop"..not unlike your good self on your blog,but I doubt I make out "prominent cafe society characters" are my "best friends". I merley describe encounters with certain names (although shock and horror-some remained friends if that's OK with you)

As for "they're doing it to promote some kind of identity for themselves on the web"-what the hell are you doing with your ramblings ?

This is all quite bizarre coming from someone who wrote a largely unread column on a newspaper with a tiny circulation.

Once a bitch, always a bitch.

Frances Lynn said...

Veritas, I'm THRILLED you read my blog! "Ritz Newspaper" did have a small circulation, but as the rag was circulated in Paris, New York, Los Angeles and Rome etc.), 'everyone' seemed to read it - including you so it seems! I never lived in Richmond but after I spotted your disguised photo in Madam Arcati's gripping interview, I do know your Off Line name. I shan't reveal it here, but your initials are JL, who used to be married to someone called Mandy Miami. And thanks for insinuating I'm a bitch. A huge compliment! Good luck with your career! (What are you up to now besides stringing for blogs?!).

veritas said...

Dearest Frances-
I know the rag was circulated in Paris, New York, Los Angeles and Rome but so was the Watch Tower.

But I'm not knocking the paper, merely puzzled by someone who is apparenty in the media ,mocking someone else who they perceive to be contributing to the media in some way, whatever that may be.

And why would I knock Ritz ?.

I was in it a few times which means it was either a newpaper of extreme bad taste or the opposite.

Even though Andy Warhol (sorry-name dropping) said, as I gave him a copy of "Frizz" :

"this is a rip-off of Ritz which is a rip-off of Interview but it's on much better paper and hey Fred , why can't we have paper this quality ?".

What am I doing ?...surviving the best I can and doing ocassional charity work like firing up the comments page on Madame Arcarti.

Surely no-one can object to that ?.

ps: I never 'fabricate' anything.

.

forgotten ones fund/stephmastini said...

I am not sure what to make of this verbal outpouring, Veritas..
....but, I hope that the explanation regarding your "charity" work , was a tongue in cheek comment ...
s~

veritas said...

No I don't what to make of the verbal outpouring either 'forgotten ones fund/stephmastini' but if it goes on much longer I'll be demanding a fee !

Frances Lynn said...

Veritas (or should I call you JL?), Bailey and Litchfield, the publishers of 'Ritz Newspaper' purposely ripped off 'Interview'. And I wasn't the only only to send my clothes to the dry cleaners after reading 'Ritz'. It really was a filthy rag, as the black ink used to come off on one's hands.

Anonymous said...

Mandy Miami? Now she's a one.

Frances Lynn said...

Veritas aka JL, (please don't take offence:) you certainly didn't appear in any of my old 'Ritz' columns. As a matter of interest, which column did you appear in?

veritas said...

Sorry Ms Lynn..I must apologise.
(I always do)

I've never been in your kitchen ! It was somewhen else I was thinking off. In fact I don't even know you apart from reading Ritz.

Isn't life strange-you know all about me and I don't anything about you (or your kitchen!).

Us Twightlight Creatures must have left a lasting impression.

veritas said...

I doubt anyone would take offence in not appearing in one of your columns Frances.

Please don't insist on forcing me to prove these things to the good Madame as others have. As I have found she's a stickler for acuracy and going through suitcases of past history is tiresome.

Surely you have better things to do than continue this dialogue.

Frances Lynn said...

Veritas/Jl, is this the start of a beautiful romance? I sincerely hope not!

veritas said...

I'll second that.

forgotten ones fund/stephmastini said...

...please...enough with this convoluted crap!
maybe you should make up and go on to something interesting...~~~~~~PLEASE!
s~

veritas said...

I'll heed your advice 'forgotten ones fund/stephmastini' and agree, it is indeed crap.

What isn't crap though is the time honoured journalist's ethic of one not revealing one's sources. Sad, if in this new age of internet citizen journalism that one's out the window.

Frances Lynn said...

Veritas-JL I don't want to get sucked into this any more but do get your facts straight: You were in Barbara Brownfield's (known as Barbara Buggerfield) kitchen in Richmond.

Madame Arcati said...

Just to clarify something: though I did tell someone that a report from Australia came from "Veritas", I did not say, and still do not know, who Veritas is for a fact.

veritas said...

Correct Frances you delightful thing.
Please refer to my apology above.

Frances Lynn said...

Madam Arcati, this is a tired old thread, but I must say, I DO know Veritas's true identity (and I can prove it) but because I'm sweet natured, I am not going to reveal it here! He does live in Sydney though.

Anonymous said...

Great piece on AMW, far better than anything else I've read, including Ken Russell's Times report.

Sis said...

Why does Steph Mastini always remove her posts? is she bipolar?