Peter Simon and a most embarrassing mucus malfunction on Bid TV

Arcatistes know of my inexplicable admiration for Peter Simon, one of the hosts of shopping channel Bid TV. The other day, while attempting to flog some bling, the poor man suffered what might be described as an on-air 'mucus malfunction'; or, a spontaneous snot bubble episode caused possibly by a sneeze or the release of a nasal blockage. It's hard to tell. I'm sorry to lower the tone. But sometimes one must. Here it is, click arrow once when you're ready....

Liz Earle skincare - one answer to the BBC's ageist policies

Liz Earle

My current fixation on Bid TV's Peter Simon has drawn me into the utterly addictive world of TV shopping channels. Most of the male hosts probably have Venus conjunct Sun in their horos - imbuing them with a cockless cosiness you don't often find in your average house-trained cock-cunter - while the female presenters are a standard cut-out from the womanly catalogues: only US comic Joan Rivers on QVC breaks the lady-like mould when she's there flogging her bling. She just about avoids saying, 'Buy my All Heart Charm Bracelet, you motherfuckers.'

Speaking of QVC, Liz Earle MBE was on this week, queen of botanical elixirs, imported from her HQ on the Isle of Wight. Her company is one of the island's largest employers with over 350 people on the payroll. Profits: a secret. This week she had her own four-day QVC 'mini-series', and it was incredibly successful. One skin potions package alone sold 9,000 items in two hours which, at a unit price of about £26, grossed nearly a quarter-of-a-million quid.

In another life, Liz and I were colleagues on a monthly glossy. She was as lovely then as she appears now, a vision of (her fave phrase) 'dewy freshness', a wonderful walking advert for her ethically sourced, multi-award winning products. She must be incredibly rich. So I was surprised when she revealed on QVC that her central heating doesn't come on until 5.45am in the winter. Something like that keeps one grounded, and certainly helps to maintain dermal hydration. I always say.

Liz I think has one answer to the sexist ageism rampant in our world, and at the BBC in particular. If the crumbling male bastard presenters must stay on our screens (while female peers of similar age are dumped by young female bosses because they look too old) then demand they use Liz Earle's youthifying skincare creams and lotions. Liz herself looks nothing like her 47-ish years (I'd put her at 37). At least then they'd be able to boast a dewy freshness to match that of replacement eye candy female colleagues. There'd be a sudden breakout of youngness!

These aging male TV hosts shouldn't fear nancification through beauty maintenance regimes - I know how conformist these types are. As Liz has observed, 'A whole new generation of boys and young men are growing up, seeing men in magazines and on the red carpet who are obviously taking care of their skin, so I think the whole stigma surrounding men making an effort with skin is ebbing away.' Bang on the zeitgeist.

Click here to be on trend, TV boys.

Bid TV's Peter Simon: The best fall guy of selly telly

Peter Simon

How astonishing to see Zandra Rhodes on the selly telly (OK, shopping) channel Bid TV Sunday evening. In under an hour she flogged about £25,000-worth of her bedlinen and fragrance - and I have no doubt that this was in part due to the tenacious, some would say, reckless energy of Bid's most starry host, Peter Simon. I am certain pink-haired Zandra enjoyed a little death on live TV in his company.

What can one say of Peter who is reputed to have a massive cock? He's a phenomenon at least. Apparently his three-hour stints flogging Egyptian cotton towels or figurines of 'Masai lady sitting with baby and child' draw about 1m viewers, which is not bad for a satellite squat.

Peter's enthusiasm for the stuff he sells is unparalleled performance art. Everything is either 'absolutely stunning' or 'the most fabulous...' The world's 'greatest scent' is followed disloyally by a 'scent which is the very apothecary of desire.' Everything is 'not just...' (repeated many times in one sentence) - and he has this odd habit of addressing 'viewers at 'ome'. Sometimes he goes peculiar and talks of 'viewer'. He is utterly addictive.

Friday nights from 10pm are usually his best shows and the rudest. If the auctions are slow he gets bored and sends up the products - I have not quite yet recovered from his claim that a certain brand of bath chair will 'cure your cystitis'. Cue hysterical suppressed laughter in the studio. He also smirks when he talks of 'ring sizes' apropos Bid's ring sizing service.

On Saturdays he's grand in his velvet dj and comes over all London Palladium on us: until recently the poor poppet had to be his own cheapo off-camera master of ceremonies, announcing himself from the 'very heart of London... your host, Peter Simon.' Now someone else says all this before he strolls into view to cameramen applause. He is unembarrassed by his opening jokes, usually about his back passage or people called Elsie, so it is with relief when he turns to introduce the Chatimals Meerkat, a must-have toy which repeats what you've just said. Which repeats what you've just said.

Of his salesman philosophy, he says: 'Even if I'm selling a latte mug with an urbanwear finish and a ceramic lip, it is up to me to make something of it. Nothing is rubbish - somebody out there will want it. If I made a wooden poker, somebody would want it.' You just don't get his type on QVC. Whorish selly telly has its pioneer of laughs.

Do catch up with Simon who first made his name on the BBC's kids' shows Double Dare and Run The Risk. Here he is in action, falling over.