Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Elvis Presley - he didn't die soon enough


A JPmortician@gmail.com has just emailed me: "You are a hideous, stupid fucking bitch ! Elvis Is The Best. Fuck You !" As punishment I am reposting my anti-Elvis tirade of 2007.

If I see another Elvis Presley item on the TV or in any media – including this blog – marking the 30th anniversary of his welcome death on a toilet - I will definitely run one of my cars into a huge puddle and saturate some old ladies huddled together in a bus shelter feeling sorry for themselves, the stupid tarts. You have been warned.

Only the other day I was looking at Priscilla Presley and mourning the loss of her beauty to vanity. The upper lip looks kinked to me, which could be the result of going down on the ugly swine TV producer Nigel Lythgoe, or the work of an over-ambitious cosmetic surgeon who should be using his medical skills to save the sick and injured instead of trussing up old birds to look like refrigerated Bell’s Palsy victims. Her face can’t have seen the sun since Elvis’ ’68 comeback or whatever and is so luminous that one could read a book by its light as the stars twinkle and prostitutes prepare to help keep a large number of potential rapists off the streets.

That’s the effect Elvis has on me – the man who slept with his mother – though I’m not sure that means he was a motherfucker – but he did have a lovely boyfriend for a while, the actor Nick Adams who died young of the chemicals. I sometimes wonder what Elvis did with Nick in bed – perhaps he crooned “Are you lonesome tonight” before joy-riding his tongue on Nick's perineum – yes, I could imagine that happening. The perineum is very sensitive.

Naturally one must feel compassion for the Elvis tribute artistes – as I write some disgusting looking little man on Sky News is showing us his Elvis clock and some ancient crow in a white suit is Are You Lonesoming (she looks nothing like Elvis – he never grew to be that old) – in fact I pity all tribute artistes who tragically consecrate their lives to people who earned more money than they do or ever will – nonetheless if an Elvis impersonator ever comes near me they will get the road water treatment, oh yes.

I prefer Elvis where he is now, in the ghost world, and still talking judging by the number of spirit communications claimed for him. Even he doesn’t much care for aping fans as evinced by this psychic monologue snatch dated year 2000 on a site called Spirit Communicator:

“This is I, -- the king of love and exaggeration. I started to sing again after such long leg-breaking hospital work in rehabs for the folks in the same condition I was in. Now I have freedom to sing, but instead I have to wipe away all those terrible images of my imitators that pop up around me as some Halloween monsters. I have to deal with it. I am looking for someone who can help me to stop that swamping flow of cheap and horrible images, caricatures of me. They want to get in touch with fame through imitating me. What a lack of taste! What frustration…"

“Cheap and horrible images” … it makes me want to love Elvis but then I’ll hear him Are You Lonesoming and I think of drenching old ladies in bus shelters. It’s Pavlovian. Dead Elvis also gossips – he tells us that the murdered Italian movie director Pasolini (a distant relative of mine) will reincarnate in America and do some movie work there. How wonderful that Elvis is talking to a man like Pasolini – I wonder whether Elvis has seen Pasolini’s Salo which features shit eating. It’s symbolic. Elvis himself will reincarnate in Italy so perhaps all his fans will move there in readiness.

Any way click here for more from Elvis

22 comments:

Duralex said...

<< he did have a lovely boyfriend for a while, the actor Nick Adams who died young of the chemicals. I sometimes wonder what Elvis did with Nick in bed – perhaps he crooned “Are you lonesome tonight” before joy-riding his tongue on Nick's perineum – yes, I could imagine that happening. The perineum is very sensitive. >>

Tabernak, Madame, you're the (screaming) queen, the Great Priestess of wishful thinking !

Madame Arcati said...

For those who wonder - "Tabernak is an all-purpose swear word that can be used in variable strengths. For instance 'tabernak, c'est Montréal!' means 'hot damn, it's Montreal'. On the other hand, just muttering 'tabernac' is equivalent to saying 'oh f***".'"

Duralex said...

Yeah, if you say so. It's also typically Quebec and very blasphemous. The accurate and complete formula is "esti de calisse de tabarnak", but I use the short variant "tabernak" (which means tabernacle) to be more comprehensible.

Adrianos said...

I quite agree, Elvis should have done the World a favour and died a lot earlier. I would, however, like to have seen him fall from grace like Jacko, to prevent him becoming a so called legend.Don`t think you have a cat in hell`s chance of drenching me at a bus stop, MA. You only have a bicycle with a basket after all !

Ms Baroque said...

Mme A, lovely Elvis post - considering you didn't want to hear one more word re the bejumpsuited one!

I'll apologise now if the picture I posted yesterday caused you any pain - my love of things kitsch overcame me, I had to obey it.

Oh, the seances, I'd forgotten people were into all that. Elvis, he's such a tart.

Madame Arcati said...

Darling Ms Baroque, I was only thinking of you this morning. I saw the Elvis picture on your site and felt a little faint, but then a glass of absinthe restored me before a bout of peculiar sex. I almost felt I was Elvis after that.

Elvis fan said...

Whoever you are, you're a sick lady. This is just so sick I can't believe my eyes.

Ms Baroque said...

Dear Mme A, you mean dead? I do hope not? Or did you just leave the building?

Either way I'm glad the effects of my over-enthusiasm were only temporary.

Madame Arcati said...

Oh but Elvis is alive and kicking -more garrulous now than ever, thanks to the enthusiasm of mediums.

Anonymous said...

I cannot belive that you would publish or allow anything like this. i am appaled at it. how dare you say such things about Elvis Presley. i will never visit this site again

victoria said...

I can't believe you would post this. If you don't like him, his music or whatever you seem to resent then fine but how can you have the cheek to sit here and mock him? I don't even know who you are and yet this man is known and ADMIRED by millions around the world. What have you achieved? Sitting down at a computer and wrote an angry, resentful and discraceful blog. Many post Elvis singing legends e.g. Led zeppelin, bob dylan, elton john, mike jagger, rod stewart, the beatles and john lennon who said "before elvis, there was nothing." Presley revelutionised music and invented popular culture. You may think he's overrepresented, talked about too much and are irratated by the many "cheap" impersonators...but that wasn't Elvis's doing, it's been 30 years since Elvis had any impact on how people percieved him. Don't blame and mock a man who's physically dead...it's just weak, cowardly and your whole post is ignorant. get a life and make something of YOURSELF love!

Anonymous said...

Wasn't Priscilla 14 years old when the King first invaded her snatch? How did he manage to escape the kind of scandal that did in Jerry Lee Lewis?

Madame Arcati said...

I don't know when sexual activity started but an interesting point.

the late Colonel Parker said...

I can't believe Elvis fans read MA !.

Forget poor ole Elvis. I'm the man mediums should be channeling as I've got a far more interesting tale to tell. By the way he's still doing as he's told up here. TKB.

Madame Arcati said...

All sorts read MA in a transdimensional continuum. Dearie.

Anonymous said...

Madame seems more vicious in this old piece. Did she mellow in the interum? Or just grow old?

Anonymous said...

You're a filthy pervert and you will die don't you worrry, you're scum and th4d devil.

Duralex said...

Holy cow ! I feel very, very old suddenly.

Madame Arcati said...

Resist the lures of Dignitas, the Swiss Revenge Death Camp.

Anonymous said...

is a filthy pervert grander than a vile pervert?

Madame Arcati said...

My essence is vanilla.

kristal_herrera said...

Thank goodness I am not the alone one who thinks Elvis Stinks!!!It's the truth he does!!!What was so special about him I say nothing.Pat Boone is a way better artist and had more beauty than that Elvis the Pelvis.I just can't understand.Pat gave him friendship,love and compassion.Elvis took advanatge of Pat's fame and frienship.Till this day poor Pat feels resentment and anger for being so nice to him when he didn't really deserve it.