I hope you're peachy. It's been a long time since last we spoke.
I thought you'd be interested to know, if it has not yet come to your attention (a phrase which now reminds me of those silly, vulgar yet absolutely delicious parodies of Chloe Sevigny that now litter the internet, click here) that the sainted Ms Rutherford is now the subject of a play which is doing rather well up in Edinburgh.
It's called Murder, Marple and Me (click here) and by a gentleman called Philip Meeks who I think you'd adore - if you haven't already crossed paths as he used to be a rather good publicist. His wit manages to be both warm and cutting, which is a rare gift. He's on Twitter as @PhilipMeeks. You should speak about your mutual passion.
With all best wishes as always.
C x
Darling C
Thank you so much for your recommendation - I do adore any attempt to impersonate me, especially since I started the trend of impersonating me, whoever that is. I shall have to check this Mr Meeks out.
May I also thank you for staying true as an Arcatiste. Certain fickle types have swanned off in hot pursuit of literary awards, imagining that their presence on Twitter and Facebook marks a new age in social media at the expense of blogging. However, posting holiday snaps and details of latest doings - vain toil to create a virtual salon of lapdogs and other creeps - is no substitute for what a blogger can offer, as your timely letter reminds us.
Margaret Rutherford as Philip Meeks' avatar
But for my selfless regard for others, would I now be in possession of the knowledge you have imparted? Would I now know of Mr Meeks and his promising show about me had I merely posted a photo of a mini-me on Facebook? I merely ask the question.
Some of you may have noticed that I was disappeared by Blogger for a few days. No explanation was given. No warning. Friends spoke of a 'purge' of sites with adult content warnings. I know a few out there think Madame Arcati is a porn site that threatens civilisation as we know it, but I always imagined - being an optimist - that others actually read me and understood that this blog actually has a satirical intent; and if satire requires a PhotoShopped celebrity cock, so be it. I had fully intended to accept fate's hand and not bother to blog anymore. But since I'm back, hello. Nice to see you. Come in to my...
While I knew oblivion and rather liked it, the person who thinks he runs the shop set up his own astrology site. If you fancy a horoscopic analysis, click here.
Rupert Everett's former lover Veritas, who sadly lost a crown on Rupie's cock-ring, writes of Arcati's 2008 awards ...
How wonderful! Is Madame Arcati back then? I thought we had lost you for a while. I had hoped there may be a "molar of the year" category and therefore my crown christened "Rupert" would have won (you know..the one chipped during an early close encounter with Mr Everett). It's been replaced by a insert but I have saved "Rupert" in a little box. Perhaps I'll sell it on eBay. Cheers, Veritas.
Dear Veritas I only went away for a day or two before a flood of complaints shooed me back onto the blogosphere. How much do you think your Rupert will get you on eBay? And how will you tag it? "Tooth crown lost to Rupert Everett's cock-ring"? Bit of a mouthful, er, isn't it? MAx
Madame Arcati is pleased to share some of her favourite things of 2008.
Arcati's Movie of the year It was a toss up between Mamma Mia!, Changeling and Jonathan King's Vile Pervert: The Musical with Eva Mendes-starrer Live! nudging in there - an excellent satire on reality TV. In the end the winner is (40 second pause as practised on talent shows) ...
Vile Pervert: The Musical by Jonathan King An excellent and provocative assault on tabloids, slippery celeb PRs, sob story opportunists, with Jonathan King playing more parts than Alec Guinness did in Kind Hearts and Coronets. His portrayal of minging tabloid editor Flame Mitchell was a tour de force. His paean to buggering boys was a total disgrace.
Arcati's Book of the year Shena Mackay's The Atmospheric Railway was a reminder of why she is one of our best lyrical prose writers. The award in this category however goes to (pause - have a cuppa tea) ...
Going As Far As I Can: The Ultimate Travel Book by Duncan Fallowell In an age when the gap year has all but ruined the mystery of the world for many people, Fallowell has a genius for finding places you would not even think about and then sprinkling glamour dust on them with his glittering prose. It would be fair to say that New Zealand was given the equivalent of a vampiric neck bite and turned into something fascinatingly undead by this book, after years of conformist vivacious dullness, even though many of its residents did not see it that way. Suddenly NZ is up there, wherever there is.
Arcati's Nightclub Event of the year So many to choose from. In the end there could only be one winner. (Pause for a quick wank) ...
Molly Parkin's The Parkin Lot at The Green Carnation, London Molly is the nightclub hostess du jour. Only she could devise an evening that pleases both horny young boys looking for other boys and elderly women who sit with their legs apart on account of their sciatica. A brilliant piece of weekly theatre to a catholic soundtrack of dancy toons with Molly assisted by her glamorous daughter Sophie and her (Sophie's) delicious Spanish ex-fiance - at least I think he is. I may marry Molly next year and have a cat with her.
Arcati's Opportunist of the year Many contenders. But one stuck out like a bad case of priapism. Pause (while you whiten the teeth) ...
Simon Cowell The way he ditched his protege Egg Nog in The X Factor final to back Alexandra Burke was truly breathtaking, a living example of how life is lived in the world of pop. Egg Nog must feel truly shafted. Still, he's only 16; and revenge is a dish best served .. eventually.
Arcati's Cock and Cunt of the year This was a toughy. But at the last minute, as 2008 draws in forever, Madame Arcati attended a preview screening of The Reader and was blown away. So this award goes to (pause for a brief crotch gawp) ...
David Kross and Kate Winslet The Reader may be about reconciliation after the horrors of the Holocaust, but the sex scenes between young German actor Kross and Titanic star Winslet are truly erotic. Kross' full-frontal reveals a pendulous meaty wanger below a cumulus congestus cloud of black pubes while Winslet showcases a fine example of clipped topiary such as would not disgrace a privet bush in West Sussex. That he plays a 15 year-old boy to her 36 year-old will hopefully not attract the adverse attentions of Mrs Flame Mitchell, ambitious toady of Rupert Murdoch, and guardian of the public morals when it suits her.
Arcati's Most Impressive Personal Performance of the year I was tempted to give this to Christopher Hitchens for his notice-me antics in pretending to be tortured for a Vanity Fair promo on water-boarding - as the high priest of the religion of Atheism, he risked accidental martyrdom by personal PR - but in the end this prize had to go to (pause while you improve smile) ...
Gordon Brown, PM of UK After suffering a public profile equalled only by that of Gary Glitter, the PM raged back on a tidal wave of economic disaster as his true calling revealed itself: to personify the gloom and create a neat match of exterior decor for aesthetic unity, thereby making it all seem so fated and fixable. It's in his horoscope, natch. There will be no 2009 election and I think he'll win in 2010.
Arcati's Most Useful Website of the year After many deplorable attempts at bribery by other sites, Madame Arcati has no hesitation in awarding this prize to (pause to hum Hallelujah) ...
Access Interviews Rob McGibbon's media interviews aggregator site is the best place to catch celeb encounters you may have missed in newspapers, magazines and other places. Rob has now taken to mischievous commentary. A great many interviews are of course total crap, especially if written by that PR-slave Baz Bamigboye. But there are occasional gems. A most innovative development in journalism.
Arcati's Best TV Interviewer(s) of the year The weakest field it must be said. Jonathan Ross doesn't count, although GMTV's Fern Britton and Phillip Schofield show promise, especially after their Kerry Katona assassination. So it gives me great pleasure to give this to (pause to fix the lippy) ...
Katie Price and Peter Andre A belated award as their ITV2 chatshow disappeared in 2007. Pity. But only they could get the very best out of the celebs, such as Rupert Everett. Peter verbally strokes the victim, causing them to open up, before Katie throws a verbal spear into the gaping ego hole, a la Moby Dick's Capt Ahab: some may think she's aspergery but really she's just psychic about people and knows bullshit when she hears it. To read Arcati's shrewd assessment of the coupleclick here.
Arcati's British Newspaper Editor of the year No award given this year. Must do better. But Veronica Wadley deserves some kind of recognition for making the London Evening Standard interesting again.
Arcati's Dance Track & Video of the year No contest.
Eric Prydz's Pjanoo Yum yum.
If you have other awards to give, don't hold back, dearies. MA x
