Gordon Smart loses his Madonna Candy Hard-on

Celebration: A past and present coadunation of Madgestic sounds

Diddums! What did Madonna do to the Sun's Bizarre hack Gordon Smart? Forget to send him a freebie? Today he gives her a good rubbishing in the wake of Radio 1's decision not to playlist her new single Celebration. "Her Madgesty's last album, Hard Candy, didn't do as well as expected. Probably because it was rubbish," he scribbles in his best GCSE-level prose. "I'm also sick of the sight of her parading around in her undercrackers." Why, because she's 51? Rhetorically, as he attempts to stay down with the kids, he asks: "COULD this be the beginning of the end of MADONNA's reign as the Queen Of Pop?"

Oh Gord!

Oh dear. Was it only a year ago - on Aug 25, 2008, to be precise and four months after the Hard Candy release - that he had a waking wet dream over her Sticky & Sweet tour. "Madonna's energy and performance is incredible," he jizzed. "I doff my cap to a 50-year-old pole-dancing and double-dutch skipping mother. Without question, Madonna is still the Queen Of Pop. Long live the Queen." Get the Kleenex out.

It's hard (candy) not to laugh.

Madonna: Filth & Wisdom and press cunnilingus

Pour yourself a cognac or whatever and sit back and watch a movie press conference, in particular Madonna's Berlinale one for her film - marking her directorial debut - Filth & Wisdom. Pay especial attention to the international media audience members and their arse-lick whistly reaction to Her Madge-ness: having attended Cannes more times than I would wish to remember, I can attest to the craven attitude hacks have to celebrity in proximity. When I was once slightly rude to that great fake David Cronenberg, in the presence of the legendary moderator Henri Behar, a Variety hack did everything but call for my public execution, such was his hysterical identification with luminosity in the celluloid swamp (as well as his self-importance).

Enjoy...

Part 1
Click here. Madonna: "We are in charge of our destiny and we're kidding ourselves if we think we're not" (she pulls a funny face to defuse a moment of seriousness and show she's human; audience applauds)
Part 2
Click here. Madonna: "The film is about the duality of life and our struggle with that duality. You can find enlightenment in ... wisdom and in filth." "Opinions are like assholes, right?"
Part 3
Click here. Madonna: "Britney was very generous". "Secretly I want to be a gypsy ... there's a kind of authenticity in the gypsies I have met around the world." "So, right, what was the first question?"
Part 4
Click here. Madonna: "When you're the director you're the visionary." "I quite like London ... it's cosmopolitan." "I look forward to making more music and more films."

(Her Malawi doc will be shown at Cannes in May)