Sunday, March 28, 2010

Joanna Lumley: Labour's last card against this goddess of AOL torture


The government is of course very foolish to upset Joanna - "Ayo Gurkhali!" - Lumley (again) over the Gurkhas. On Monday (or today if you're reading this on Monday; or yesterday if Tuesday, etc) she will single-handedly hammer the last nail into the Labour coffin. I had hoped Labour would scrape home but I see now all is lost, thanks to Joanna.

As I write she is, as Lady Penelope once was, an untouchable national treasure, the embodiment of the upper class geist that is about to repossess the Brits for the umpteenth time through the 19th Etonian PM (to-be) aka the half-wit former PR David Cameron.

Foreigners should understand that the Brits like the taste of upper class asshole: it's part of the ingrained cuisine (pause to spit out hair strands, inter alia, unsweetened by absence of bidet). They adore modulated vowels for it plays to the national Capricornian desire for hereditary privilege and power as expressed in sound and deportment and approved antecedents (cue: spires).

There is however one card left for Labour to play against the Nepalese goddess Joanna. It's called the AOL card. For years, Joanna's voice has been used to annoy AOL subscribers with an unwelcome welcoming message and the lie "You've got email". It's a lie because AOL users are blighted with this message whether they have email or not. Worse, she is the voice of "You've got company (bang)". It is another lie. The subscriber does not have any online company. It is just a noise-message intended to piss one off as the odd unfortunate ejaculates over the keyboard.

Somebody at AOL actually sat down one day and said, 'Oh, let's see how we can really piss off our customers. Great! Get Joanna Lumley to tell them over and over again that they have company (bang)'. It was marketing by irritation, as practised by those confuse.com TV ads, and others. The intention is to batter you into brand-recognition compliance through torture, a sort of extraordinary rendition for the sofa- (or swivel chaired-) bound.

Of course the goddess hadn't a clue she was just a tongue puppet for these wicked corporate shenanigans. She read the messages off a sheet and collected her substantial cheque. She gave no thought to the possibility that her voice would become one of the most detested sounds on the internet. Like the late Leni Riefenstahl, she is the creative incidental to the cultural foulness. For a goddess, Joanna is peculiarly stupid.

Joanna should be publicly reviled by Labour as a modern-day Lord Haw-Haw, as the expression of something noxious, whether witting or not. She should have foreseen this horror. There is not a day that passes by that I do not wish this ghastly woman some dreadful end for the earache and the headache and the ultimate heartache.

How to turn her off

39 comments:

Smart Car Boy Racer said...

my pendulum consistently predicts a Tory win with the help of the Ulster Unionists. The pendulum predicts a nano majority for a short while `til their majority vapourizes following a couple of unsuccessful by-elections - then they will need the help of the Lib Dems. Don`t forget where you heard it first , MA !

Anonymous said...

Gosh. I always thought Britain was under the Aries sign ?

Madame Arcati said...

The UK's 1801 chart is the one to examine http://bp2.blogger.com/_5VOYKiE-zWY/RrpS8q_svoI/AAAAAAAAACc/aEAR1YkL88Y/s1600-h/UK1801.jpg

Anonymous said...

Quite your maddest post yet Madame.

Anonymous said...

At last the election has got real. Not that the fraudulent old fart Brown has even announced it yet

Anonymous said...

Darling MA...don't tell anyone but you can actually press he "mute" button on your sound system and then you won't have to listen to La Lumley's dulcits. I think Broon is gonna get in, by the skin of his gnashers. I heard him speaking at a reception in St James' after Lord Paul's son, the film philanthropist who gives all that money to Guy Ritchie for his appaling films married that Jewish girl, Michelle Somebody. Well Michelle Paul, now. He was so nice, demure, pleasant back then, but he hadn't been corrupted by power and Lord Paul's millions....

Madame Arcati said...

The mute button should be the default option and it's not easy to find. A company shouldnot choose to annoy its customers. As for Brown, he's a bullying Neptunian cunt but more competent than the Etonian twerps.

Anonymous said...

AOL? .... Youve got mail?.
I know your old dear but come on....next you'll be talking about, this new thing called 'the information superhighway'
Get with the times grandma, never heard of gmail?
I am begining to understand youre excitment at dear Mollys 'publishing' deal.

Anonymous said...

Cameron will win and Britain will be delivered into the hands of the Dirty Digger. Make the most of your BBC while it lasts Joanna.

Madame Arcati said...

You're just jealous, embittered. Sad really.

Anonymous said...

Brown more competent than who? He's led the nation to the brink of financial collapse. Class hatred is Madame's achilles heel

Madame Arcati said...

Brown's done nothing of the sort. The near-collapse of international banks was not his doing; and he had no option but to shore up banks - even the twerp Cameron would have had to do the same, as have had other Western economies such as the US. The Etonian Tories reflexiviely support the rich and corporate management, as the current BA strike demonstrates. The Murdoch papers, too, always support the rich and powerful.

Ex Labour Voter said...

Brown deliberately encouraged the worst instincts of the financial sector and made no preparations for a rainy day

Madame Arcati said...

Don't be ridiculous. The Tories did and said nothing on changing the banking system before the crisis; and have proposed no substantive alternative to what the government had to do.

Anonymous said...

Madame Arcati, has one been hitting the sherry before lunchtime?
I take it that you agree with me that Bob Crow, the leader of the RMT, is a thoughtful progressive individual always looking out for the interests of the traviling public.

Madame Arcati said...

And I take it you imagine wily Willie has the best interests of his staff at heart.

Anonymous said...

The Tories haven't been in government for the last 13 years.

Madame Arcati said...

For good reason. Nothing stopped them from saying something BEFORE the crisis. Any silly cunt can be wise after the event.

Anonymous said...

Oh dear. Madame Arcati has suddenly become John Prescott.

Madame Arcati said...

Oh dear you've been reading a Sun editorial.

Anonymous said...

Brown has run the UK economy for 13 years. It is where it is because of him.

Madame Arcati said...

The Toties had and have nothing new to say.

Anonymous said...

Time to put on your frock and get sane, I think.

Madame Arcati said...

Time for your prostate.

The resurrected Unity Mitford said...

Being a bleeding lefty doesn't suit you!

Anonymous said...

Madame, when you listen to the news of a national rail strike combined with Unite's attempt to close BA.
The sane rational person thinks oh shit/yes thats the Labour government done for. As what possible other outcome could there be in the run up to the election.
It wont be 'Lumley what dun it'
it will be the inept brown and the ever helpful unions.

Maybe you should leave politics to the grown ups.

Anonymous said...

Darling MA...you'll always be my favorite champagne ( oh ok, Cava) socialist. Good on ya girlfriend.

Madame Arcati said...

Strikes happen whoever's in power. I suspect you lift your political script from Spectator blogs and other loon centres.

Madame Arcati said...

I abhor Cava. How dare you.

Anonymous said...

ok, my favorite Tattinger Trotskiite tart. Happy?

M de Plouquenet said...

Sitting on my ancestral mountain on the border of Ulster here after days of fucking auditions I am minded that Cameron wants to scrap the ID card (double plus good) but backs foxes being ripped apart (v. v bad).

Madame Arcati said...

I suppose ...

Madame Arcati said...

I rather imagine the ID card has cancelled itself on the grounds of costs, though I'm not sure ...

M de Plouquenet said...

Certainly not! ZaNuLabour are adamant about bringing it in...and it will be horrendously expensive (not to mention it wont effing work).

Madame Arcati said...

You may be appalled to learn that as much as I don't care for the ID card I do like the idea of microchipping at birth: no one would ever get lost and their murdered corpses would soon be discovered.

M de Plouquenet said...

My idea was to arrest everyone alphabetically thus ensuring a 100% clear up rate for the thick blue line.

Madame Arcati said...

This would promote alphabetism.

Sooter Says "Vote for the Fish Party" said...

Phew, nearly brought you back some Cava - just as well I didn`t

Madame Arcati said...

Cava's served at Tory parties.