Saturday, June 11, 2011

Mark Simpson: 'Pope is the ultimate metrosexual in his Pradas'

The living, breathing, nose-tufted antitheses of metrosexuality are all (to a man) throwbacks of vileness; legs-apart displays of redundant machismo soaked in the spirit of Old Spice. The very name 'Kelvin MacKenzie' or 'Dominique Strauss-Kahn' or 'Norman Mailer, RIP' conjures up mammoth-like unreconstructs quite unsuited to the dinkiness and gleam of modern bathroom suites or video game consoles.

From any normal, socialised human being of the 21st Century, these names, and others, and their primeval behaviour and appearance, elicit a healthy disgust. Not even a back, sac and crack can save the growly, hairy-inside cock-cunties.

This entirely original aesthetic, of disgust at redundant displays of unreconstructed maleness and cock-cuntery, is the work of one man: Mark Simpson. For it was he (yes!) who dreamt up the neologism 'metrosexual'. How and why - Google him or use the links below. I'm not some Peter York-like social historian, dearies, on £3 a word. I don't have to be.

Mark has now brought out a new book on Kindle called simply, Metrosexy - a collection of his scintillating, insightful essays on the condition of the contemporary male, his beauty (which requires educated, post-post-mod work); his bathroom and wardrobe investment; his flight from MacKenzie and co. David Beckham would now not be the tattooed peacock totem of ad hoarding lore but for Mark Simpson. For a generation of palatable cock-cunters he has invented a new world where men can turn their persons into social, scented art without compromising their straight sexuality. Alas, it's not a contribution likely to earn him recognition in the Queen's birthday honours list.

I shall write again about Metrosexy. Meantime, I asked Mark this question: 'Do you think the Pope, Archbishop of Canterbury and other church luminaries are proving to be the most resistant to the metrosexual revolution - if yes, why; and if not, which category of male is, and why?'

Mark Simpson's reply:

'I fear it's too late for the Catholic Church! Look at the homo-erotics of this male stripper troupe, I mean gymnastic display at The Vatican recently, with the nuns cheering and leering outside watching on a big screen! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rbxov7CVi8

'Theoretically the Catholic Church should be very resistant to metrosexuality - after all, St Paul raged against "effeminates", and Christianity has that general suspicion of the body - and the desire to pin everything on Eve.

'But in practice the Pope wears red Prada shoes.

'And the Vatican is in Italy, where men have been vain for millennia and all love their mamas.

'American Protestantism is more resistant and is the reason for that country's national nervous breakdown over metrosexuality. Metrosexuality is both very 'American' in the sense of consumerism/individualism/celebrity/self-perfection but also deeply challenging to fond American fantasies about stoic masculinity and 'manly men'. America has been having a panic about its men not being manly enough since the 19th Century, but in the 21st Century that panic isn't entirely misplaced. I suspect that for the US it's tied closely to anxieties about its imperial role - and its decline.'

Thank you Mark, I sooooo agree. To read Mark's website - click http://www.marksimpson.com/. And read a great interview with him on this excellent site: http://www.quietgirlriot.wordpress.com/ . Elly of Quiet Riot Girl has written a great piece on metrosexuality here.

To buy a copy of Metrosexy, click here.

21 comments:

Mohammed Hello said...

You're all buggers.

Elly said...

'hairy-inside cock-cunties' is quite inspired, and all yours Madame A!

I will leave Mark to bashfully and modestly deny that David Beckham's branding of the whole world is actually his fault/his creation...

Not Peter York said...

I wonder what a male misandrist is called. Well, anyway. In her usual venting Madame forgets that the metrosexuals are just as 'hairy inside' as their primitive forbears. Cosmetics makes little difference except to the exterior. The main beneficiary of metrosexuality is women who no longer need suffer the pong of unwashed bush at night in bed. CK instead. Ever lovingly yours.

Anonymous said...

£3 a word? You'll be lucky.

Anonymous said...

Mark Simpson focuses on how men have made themselves alluring, not on attacking old forms of masculinity (though that implication is there). Madame Arcati has as usual misunderstood everything and simply roped in another stooge in her sad vendetta against the world. I can give you the directions to Dignitas, you old bitch.

Elly said...

Anonymous, is that you, Mark? ;D

Anonymous said...

Fascinating posting. And I enjoyed the piece by Elly on Simpson

Ciaran Rehill said...

Plenty of metrosexuals at the Big Brother auditions in Manchester ducky.

Madame Arcati said...

Really? Give the goss Ciaran -colour, darling!

Dr Germaine Greer said...

I'm sure soldier rapists wear CK these days.

Elly said...

Hello Germaine. Actually I recently saw a photo of some Marines in their undercrackers as you do. And they were regulation US Marine Corps Big Pants. I am not saying soldiers aren't metrosexual but there is something about the uniformity that means they don't get to spend much time or money perfecting their own metro 'look'

Anonymous said...

blame David Sylvian.

'Chocker' Barr said...

The metrosexual has always existed. What do you think they did in the Roman baths? However, the mid-20th century western male was a particularly dull creature win his parachute flannels with the 1 foot long zipper, and don't-notice-me suits and whatnot. Music encouraged genre plumage which has now gone mainstream in sundry ways. The current metrosexual is a slave of vast advertisng campaigns presided over in the main by homosexuals. This development had nothing to do with Simpson though he was clever to find a tag for it. The 'creators' of the Sloane Ranger did well, too.

Elly said...

Chocker you are right that Mr Simpson didn't invent the metrosexual.And, that masculinity was more vain and self-loving in previous eras, until the full blown metrosexual took hold.

But even though he didn't create the metrosexual, Mark's understanding of his 'offspring' is unparalleled in its insights, humour and sometimes chilling observations.

The book is well worth a read!

Ciaran Rehill said...

Right, what do you need to know about these wooftahs? The ones I saw were white, middle aged (one he kept trying it on with surly straight Ciaran) mostly 19-20 age group, v camp. We went to Canal St after for a drinky poo.

Madame Arcati said...

I love details.

The late Francis Wheen said...

Can one be a gay metrosexual then?

Dr Germaine Greer said...

My observation of the so-called metrosexual revolution is that young men shower more regularly and downwind could knock out a murder of crows with their bottled fragrances. Otherwise, they rape as regularly as they ever did, in or out of uniform. Facial hair is the giveaway. The thinner the beard lines, the more dangerous.

Elly said...

Francis Wheen- yes metrosexual men are of all sexual persuasions. But their main love-object is themselves.

Anonymous said...

I don't think narcissism should be encouraged. It's very silly.

Anonymous said...

You're fucking demented. It's all that astrology shite that's addled your brain. What a sad spectacle.