Burlesque: Choose kinky name from Dulux chart

Dearest Madame,

As a camp follower to the burlesque scene in London and Manchester (one has been known to take one's clothes off to Loretta Lynn numbers if 50 quid and a few free drinks are on offer) can I suggest a much simpler way of finding one's burlesque name?

1. Go to B&Q / Homebase
2. Go to the paints section
3. Pick out a Dulux colour chart
4. Select your burlesque name from the choice of shades on offer (eg 'Sahara Kisses' 'Cherry Scarlet' 'Dirty Protest')

Why do they ALWAYS name themselves after sweets? A night of burlesque is apt to give one toothache of the soul.

With kindest regards as always.

C x

Darling C,

What a wonderful suggestion. Click here for some ideas from Dulux. See colour bar at the top and click and then roam over the louche shades of double entendre. I especially like Hibiscus Delight, Old Yella and my fave, Cumquat Cream.

Jonathan Ross/Russell Brand posting for Google ranking purposes

In the wake of the Jonathan Ross/Russell Brand/Andrew Sachs/Georgina Baillie mega-fuss (ie career- enhancing contretemps), I have decided to join Georgina’s sex ‘n’ violence burlesque Goth thing, Satanic Sluts.

To do so one must send “pictures of yourself looking gorgeous in black, racy in red, tempting in latex or just plain filthy in the flesh to us here at Salvation Films …You must include your chosen nom de plume or saintly moniker (ie St Sinista or whatever sacrilegious title appeals to your virtuous mind) and, if you have one, your website /webcam address and we'll include a direct link to it with your pictures. "

I’ve been wondering what to call myself. Current favourites include: Mme Arcunty, Gossipa, or St Penetrata. Any thoughts here? My “looking gorgeous” look will blend trews and silk tunic with leather belts criss-crossing my thorax from neck and crotch ties (bowed). My brown ruched turban will bear a priapic Hitler crucifix to signal my inner desires. I am assuming Satanic Sluts is open to still self-lubricating 80-somethings. I hope we’re not dealing with yet another ageist organisation here.

As to Madame Arcati’s view on The Fuss and whether Ross and Brand should be tortured to death for making Mr Sachs marketable again for panto bookings etc, I would like to make this public statement: “I couldn’t give a buggery.” Satanic Sluts