Andrew Logan: Time to honour the man who's 'shitting glitter'

'Andrew Logan Phenomenal
Elizabeth Taylor Portrait'

Some time ago I wondered (very) aloud why venerable actor Christopher Lee had not yet been knighted, when just about anyone garlanded with a sporty medal is honoured by the age of 30. It took awhile for comprehension to sink in, but one day I awoke to the news that Sir Christopher had arrived.

I now turn my attention to Andrew Logan. Not merely founder of Alternative Miss World, he is a celebrated sculptor, jewellery-maker, performance artist, painter and portraitist - a fine example is his Elizabeth Taylor, currently on sale on eBay for a modest £22,250 - 'postage' is an extra £500. Buy here.

Andrew Logan's Red Bracelet: £280

His international influence is without question - no object may be saved from conscription into his multi-media fantasies and bling; and Los Angeles, Monterrey and St Petersburg have hosted his exhibitions, among other places. Not one celebrity has so much as grazed their moist, perfumed flesh on the jagged glass framed in his pendants, necklaces or bracelets: to turn a stellar ego into a looking glass for other stellar egos to gaze into for auto-erotic delight is itself a subversively amusing phenomenon, an irony lost on many of the mirror dolls in their showbiz get-ups, perhaps. Even planets have a part to play in his artistic vision - so naturally, I am a fan.

When our dreadful leaders have quite sated themselves on the persecution of the poor, unemployed, disabled and anyone else perceived as economically vulnerable for a cheap slash, perhaps they might like to consider honouring Mr Logan (a Libran btw, born 1945) and demonstrate to the world that British talent does not start or end in the fucking Olympic Village.

If you want to learn more about Logan I recommend you see the 2011 movie documentary, The British Guide to Showing Off, which explores and celebrates his glittery and anarchic world, and features the 'shitting glitter' observation (by gorgeous Grayson Perry, I think). Here's the trailer....

Arise, SIR Christopher Lee - and about time!

"Is that an electric cunt before me?" See comments

What have I been saying these past two years while you lot were loafing? I was demanding that the best actor in the English-speaking world, Christopher Lee, be knighted. Word had reached me that HM was listening and now she's delivered - though why SIR Christopher had to reach the age of 87 for this honour beats me. There are people who get their leg over a bike at 24, or run about in plimsolls at 19, and, oh!, a knighthood or a damehood in the post - just because they got up in the morning to show off their bodies. SIR Christopher makes about 500 films and a fortune for Hollywood and he has to get to virtually 100 for royal recognition: it's the curse of being a Gemini. I should know.

Would you like to be Madame Arcati's guest-cunty?

Ever a slave to fashion, and what with Steven Spielberg guest-editing Empire next month and Alastair Campbell guest-godding at the New Statesman, I think it is time that this blog had its own guest-cunty to run things for a week. Here's my wish list (but feel free to apply for consideration of this prestigious placement via comments with your thematic proposals):

Sandi Toksvig: I think she should be everything really: Doctor Who, Fern Britton's replacement, even the next Superman. There is nothing this woman cannot do, and certainly Madame Arcati would be the beneficiary of her all-knowingness, her all-talentedness.
Sandi is my candy


Katie Price: She's great value because of her genius for feuds. Despite her best endeavours to fail, she succeeds at everything she tackles, even humbling the likes of the egregious Julie Myerson with her books sales. Plus she looks moist.

Jason Cowley: He'd be great because the first thing he'd do is find a guest-guest-cunty. This way Alastair Campbell might get his mitts on Madame Arcati and call for a new war against someone.

Kevin Spacey: A man of kwalli-tay for sure, as his current ad for American Airlines confirms. What that man doesn't know about the poshest seats isn't worth knowing, and of course he's a connoisseur of dynastic genius as well as of rich women with sexy chauffeurs. Him as guest-cunty would be like a delightful sip of absinthe over a leather bound copy of Debrett's. Keyser Saucy!

Sebastian Horsley: Readers would soon be up there on Seb's Best Brothels Guide and his etiquette rules on asking a prostitute for a 3 squirts for 2 discount. He's most amusing, most inflammatory.

Sebastian, my whore

Sharon Stone: A personal fave, she'd fill the blog with extracts from her unpublished short stories and red carpet pics of herself from the world's major film festivals - attendance of which being her principal career right now. But could I afford her and would she make special demands (such as daily deliveries of scented Interflora bouquets to her Madame Arcati Prose Suite at Claridge's)?

Verne Troyer: A wit, an observer, a philosopher. A naked pic would be compulsory. Erect.

Christopher Lee: A fund of thespian anecdotes, but never mind. This would be an opportunity for him to respond to the scandal of his missing knighthood and slag off the Queen and PM.
"Sir" Christopher

Will Self: Enlarge your vocabulary with one of the wisest men on the planet. And like Katie Price, he's quite carnivorous and gets into feuds. Will I ever forget what he once said about one of Julie Burchill's exes, the gun-loving he-man, Tony Parsons?

Julie Burchill: Speaking of whom, can you imagine? I can only dream....

Duncan all over

Duncan Fallowell: My darling would expose you to polymathy with comic edging. His would be a mystery tour of music, mayhem, literature, obscure art exhibitions in Auckland and torrid encounters with intense, attractive persons (in Russia).

Molly Parkin: 'Lee's eyes tore flesh from my heart'

Arise Sir Parky indeed! What's he done all his life except sit about asking celebs what his researchers shovelled up from the archives? For his retirement show he could only find one woman to see him off, Dame Judi (and Dame Edna, but you know ...). What about Christopher Lee? Why isn't he Sir Christopher Lee or even Lord Hammer of Horror? Sign the Lee petiton, or die slowly. Click here

My new best friend Molly Parkin is also supporting my knighthood for Lee campaign and sends me this charming epistle ...

Dear MA,

I ALSO PETITIONED FOR CHRISTOPHER LEE TO BECOME SIR. AS AN ADOLESCENT I MET HIM ONCE IN THE 40S. HE WOULDN'T REMEMBER.

MY FATHER HAD YANKED ME OUT OF MY BED VERY LATE ONE NIGHT, THOUGH I HAD SCHOOL THE NEXT MORNING, AND ORDERED ME INTO MY SUNDAY-BEST TO SERVE COFFEE IN THE SITTING ROOM. I WAS TO MAKE SURE AND CATCH THE EYE OF THE YOUNG MAN IN THERE WITH THE LOOKS OF A FUTURE FILM STAR. MY FATHER CLAIMED IT COULD BE A SHREWD CAREER MOVE FOR THE FUTURE, MAKING THIS CONTACT. WHEN THEY WERE SEARCHING FOR CINEMATIC FRESH FACES, THIS MAN WOULD REMEMBER MINE.

I WAS 12, ALREADY WITH BREASTS, AND HAD BEEN MENSTRUATING A YEAR. THE HEAD-TURNER WAS CHRISTOPHER LEE IN HIS 20S, AND SO HEART-THROBBINGLY HANDSOME AS TO BE ILLEGAL. HE HAD ESCORTED HEATHER (POSH TOTTY) BACK HOME TO OUR PLACE WHERE SHE WAS RESIDING IN OUR PADDINGTON B AND B. WE HOUSED A BUNCH OF MEDICAL STUDENTS FROM ST MARY'S HOSPITAL NEARBY, AND MOST ROOMS WERE LET TO THEM AND THEIR FEMALE RELATIVES. OURS BEING A SAFE HOUSE WITH A GOOD REPUTATION. RARE IN PADDINGTON THEN!

SINCE MY FAMILY, WELSH CHAPEL, DIDN'T ALLOW MIXED UNMARRIED COUPLES IN OUR ROOMS, THESE TWO WERE RESTRICTED TO THE SITTING ROOM ON THE GROUND FLOOR, WITH THE DOOR TO BE LEFT WIDE OPEN. I WAS POSTED AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS TO MAKE SURE OF THIS. HE SMILED AT ME AS HE WAS LEAVING. HIS EYES TORE THE FLESH FROM MY HEART.

IN ALL THE 63 YEARS WHICH HAVE PASSED SINCE THEN, I HAVE NEVER SEEN CHRISTOPHER LEE IN PERSON.

MY MOTHER WHO HAD EMERGED FROM THE BASEMENT TO TAKE A PEEP SCOLDED MY FATHER AFTERWARDS FOR EXPOSING ME TO TEMPTATION, THE WORK OF THE DEVIL, MEANING CHRISTOPHER LEE AND HIS ASTONISHING PHYSICAL APPEAL. "WHO COULD TRUST A MAN AS HANDSOME AS THAT, WITH GIRLS THROWING THEMSELVES AT HIM HIM BECAUSE OF HIS FEATURES. HAS TYRONE POWER EVER REMAINED FAITHFUL TO ONE WOMAN?" (No, because he preferred men.)

IN YEARS TO COME WHEN CHRISTOPHER LEE BECAME A HOUSEHOLD NAME AS BOSS VAMPIRE IN THE HUGELY SUCCESSFUL HAMMER HORROR FILMS, SHE CROWED WITH PRIDE, "WHAT DID I SAY ALL THOSE YEARS AGO, THE FACE FITS. FAME AND FORTUNE FOR ABUSING FEMALES." ADDING DARKLY, "UNTO DEATH."

THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE THIS! I HAD FORGOTTEN IT ALL UNTIL I SAW YOUR KNIGHTHOOD PETITION........

LOVE, MOLLxx

A knighthood for Christopher Lee CBE, please

Bruce Forsyth to get a knighthood in the Queen's Birthday Honours in June 2008? That's the claim. ("Knight to see you, to see you Knight" - to be seen in all tabloids) So why hasn't Christopher Lee, 85, got a knighthood yet? As an actor he has 260 films credited to his name, he has starred in some of the biggest of franchise movies (Lord of the Rings, Golden Compass, Star Wars, Bond), his is a byword for old-style Hammer Horror, he has surprised (Jinnah, The Wicker Man), he is a sophisticated, cultural ambassador for Britain and speaks French, Italian, Spanish, German, Russian, Greek and other languages. What is wrong with our fucking politicians and our goes-with-the wind Queen? He's a Gemini for cunt's sake.

To petition for his knighthood, click here.