Thursday, March 26, 2009

Would you like to be Madame Arcati's guest-cunty?

Ever a slave to fashion, and what with Steven Spielberg guest-editing Empire next month and Alastair Campbell guest-godding at the New Statesman, I think it is time that this blog had its own guest-cunty to run things for a week. Here's my wish list (but feel free to apply for consideration of this prestigious placement via comments with your thematic proposals):

Sandi Toksvig: I think she should be everything really: Doctor Who, Fern Britton's replacement, even the next Superman. There is nothing this woman cannot do, and certainly Madame Arcati would be the beneficiary of her all-knowingness, her all-talentedness.
Sandi is my candy

Katie Price: She's great value because of her genius for feuds. Despite her best endeavours to fail, she succeeds at everything she tackles, even humbling the likes of the egregious Julie Myerson with her books sales. Plus she looks moist.

Jason Cowley: He'd be great because the first thing he'd do is find a guest-guest-cunty. This way Alastair Campbell might get his mitts on Madame Arcati and call for a new war against someone.

Kevin Spacey: A man of kwalli-tay for sure, as his current ad for American Airlines confirms. What that man doesn't know about the poshest seats isn't worth knowing, and of course he's a connoisseur of dynastic genius as well as of rich women with sexy chauffeurs. Him as guest-cunty would be like a delightful sip of absinthe over a leather bound copy of Debrett's. Keyser Saucy!

Sebastian Horsley: Readers would soon be up there on Seb's Best Brothels Guide and his etiquette rules on asking a prostitute for a 3 squirts for 2 discount. He's most amusing, most inflammatory.
Sebastian, my whore

Sharon Stone: A personal fave, she'd fill the blog with extracts from her unpublished short stories and red carpet pics of herself from the world's major film festivals - attendance of which being her principal career right now. But could I afford her and would she make special demands (such as daily deliveries of scented Interflora bouquets to her Madame Arcati Prose Suite at Claridge's)?

Verne Troyer: A wit, an observer, a philosopher. A naked pic would be compulsory. Erect.

Christopher Lee: A fund of thespian anecdotes, but never mind. This would be an opportunity for him to respond to the scandal of his missing knighthood and slag off the Queen and PM.
"Sir" Christopher

Will Self: Enlarge your vocabulary with one of the wisest men on the planet. And like Katie Price, he's quite carnivorous and gets into feuds. Will I ever forget what he once said about one of Julie Burchill's exes, the gun-loving he-man, Tony Parsons?

Julie Burchill: Speaking of whom, can you imagine? I can only dream....

Duncan all over

Duncan Fallowell: My darling would expose you to polymathy with comic edging. His would be a mystery tour of music, mayhem, literature, obscure art exhibitions in Auckland and torrid encounters with intense, attractive persons (in Russia).


drf said...

What week were you thinking of? And how does one use the machinery?

Duncan Fallowell

Jill said...

Just found your blog...catchy post title!

forgotten ones fund/stephmastini said...

...Good for you, I will meet you in, I think that Florence and Capri are calling..
have fun..

Anonymous said...

My votes:
Yes, Yuppies: Sandi Toksvig (LOL- cant wait!), Katie Price (fun, to say the least), Sharon Stone (may make us giggle - I actually think she would choose to write about the charities close to her heart - she may act shallow, nutty and like a dimwit sometimes, but there is a sweet side to her, Y‘know…).

Zzz(yawn)zzZZs: Jason Cowley (‘nough said), Kevin Spacey (Oh, please! ugh!)

Huh?s: Verne Troyer (your mind goes to very strange places, MA darling), Christopher Lee (whatever… just for variety in the menu, I guess), Sebastian Horsley (Not sure, depends on if he decides to be interesting)

Of courses: Julie Burchill, Duncan Fallowell.

How come you didn’t mention?s: Suzanne Moore? (what about those shoes?) Ms. Baroque (love her lyrics but prefer the happy ones, though - not so much the cemeteries stuff, although is all very rich in sensations) Molly Parkin, Jonathan King, lovely Tim Walker (you don’t like him anymore?) and Shena Mackay (whatever happened to that interview - got stood up? You couldn’t have…).

With the traffic you have of people in the trade of writing I would think you have many, many other choices from all walks of life. I hope you get a lot of e-mails with submissions.
p.s. Hey! Where did Fish go?

Madame Arcati said...

Darlings, darlings, form an orderly queue.

To Duncan: it's very simple - I give you my login and away you go. Naturally I would brief on how copy is put to air. Blogger is the simplest thing. I haven't quite decided when I'm taking a break but it could be first week of May when the person who is Madame Arcati re-embarks on a freelance career.

To Ox - I selected contenders on the basis of their natural inclination to astonish or shock, not for effect, but simply by turn of mind. Some people have only to get up in the morning to upset someone, and if this can be achieved with a degree of style and elegance, then they can consider me a platonic or remote lover.

Fish is about, and I know she has made a very important decision about something. But it's for her to talk about that.

As for Shena - she's waiting for my questions. I have been dilatory and I am ashamed. But she awaits me patiently, making allowances for me. Story of my life, poppet.

Anonymous said...

yes..sounds like Duncan Fallowell is the man. I've just started reading his first book.

Whoever it is, they'd better be bitchy.

xx veritas

A famous ex-editor said...

And not Rupert Everett among your galere of unusual suspects, Madame? Of course I don't know if he's annoyed by your cockring tale, and Blithe Spirit is probably on his mind right now (oh the irony), but he's one of the few actors to have produced a memoirs that's a pleasure to read.

Others who could equal your awesome ability to baffle with applomb include Joan Collins, Irwin Seltzer (on a rape drug or other psychotropic substance), the late Diana Spencer (through the mediumship of a clairvoyant tastefully appointed by yourself); and let us not forget Neil Tennant of the Pet Shop Boys, though he's a bit up his own arse. Quite the tetchy princess is Neil.

Anonymous said...

How about Susan Hill now she's given up her own blog?

Anonymous said...

Would Fallowell only post nude pix for a week? That might hold me for seven days

Madame Arcati said...

I don't know what happened to Susan. As an Aquarian she may have had one of those mind storms that that star sign is subject to, resulting in a complete change of attitude. Aquarians are the ultimate revisionists and I have learnt from experience to take nothing they say too seriously. I'm only sorry I get on with them so well.

As for Duncan, he would put up whatever he wanted - I'm sure that since there's a naked pic of him here already he wouldn't want to repeat himself. Still, there may be other naked pics to slobber over.

Incidentally I have decided to use Twitter for satirical purposes and have sent invitations to guest-edit to a number of celebs, such as the Dalai Lama.

Duralex said...

Now a naked pic of the Dalai Lama, that would be something !

forgotten ones fund/stephmastini said...

offensive comment but so predictable Duralex.crass and irrelevant to the topic..only you could attempt to upset Buddhists..try saying that directly to Uma Thurman...


forgotten ones fund/stephmastini said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Why so heavy about nudity, Steph? Do lighten up.

Duralex said...

No need to repeat yoursel, chérie, I'm not deaf.

Well, I'd really love to say it directly to the wonderful Uma. Maybe you could get me in touch with her through your ex-brother-in-law ? Oh, but I forgot : you're not on very good terms with him. Too bad !

forgotten ones fund/stephmastini said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
forgotten ones fund/stephmastini said...

Uma Thurman used to be one of my wine clients..I knew her well...I don't need KevinSpacey's name to develop my network..I deliberately duplicated my comments Duralex just to piss you off...get over yourself out for the virus about to hit our computers tomorrow..heads up..scan your computers now and update all your software..but I am sure you all knew about the April Fool's virus.

Anonymous said...

> I don't need Kevin Spacey's name to develop my network.

You never miss an opportunity to use and abuse it, though.