Glenda Bailey OBE: Erstwhile queen of the Marie Claire cocks supplement

Glenda Bailey

New York's other British fashion queen, Glenda Bailey, is keeping docile feature writers busy, I see. The 52 year-old editor of Harper's Bazaar has a book to flog, Harper's Bazaar Greatest Hits (a mere £28.99 from Amazon; or if you prefer, £35.99 from Telegraph Books), and a V&A talk to publicise - September 18. Not to mention 'Harper's Bazaar: A Decade of Style' which runs until 8 January 2012 at the International Centre of Photography in New York. Book return flights now!

In the Observer today, a grazing fawner avers, 'While running the American version of Marie Claire, [Bailey's] penchant for risk-taking was legendary.' I'm sure it was. But nothing compared to her pioneering antics on British Marie Claire - I wouldn't expect any of the newspaper indentured tots to know anything about that time (the 80s-90s, darling); or even to imagine that sentience was alive and kicking even before their own natal birth.

Who can forget (if one knew to start with) Glenda's notorious penises supplement? When I tell people who doze through Glamour now, they think I'm making it up. But Glenda Bailey OBE, and friend of Karl Lagerfeld, actually persuaded the dull Old Spice scrotes of IPC that what the world needed was the gift of a penises supplement. And there they were, dozens and dozens of different disembodied dicks, a bonanza of Bobbitt-like chopped, cropped choppers, all close-shot - and this before pajazzling. An Argos catalogue of sausages, winkles, cigars, buttons (?) all manner of types; some cut, some not; though all flaccid. This exhibition of cock caused a fuss at the time and sales rocketed.

Glenda's genius was simply this: no mainstream women's glossy editor had ever thought or dared to do this before. Like Warhol and his art. She was copied briefly of course; and then the novelty was done. And later, Glenda got her OBE.

Deservedly so, I'm sure.

Duncan Fallowell: The (weeping) tears and erections query

Dear Madame Arcati

I've just returned from the south of France to discover this warm-hearted posting [just below]. Many thanks. A friend and I, half an hour ago, were discussing whether it's possible to weep tears and have an erection at the same time. I said it had never happened to me - and I don't think it could. He said it had happened to him several times. Feedback from your readers on this interesting question would be welcome.

With best wishes, Duncan Fallowell

Alfie Allen's penis makes its debut in Equus

Alfie Allen's penis has made its stage debut at Chichester in Equus. To the charge of phallocentricity, a naked Laura O'Toole serves as a useful counter-balance. A front row critic tells Arcati: "His penis acquitted itself well in the circumstances, not embarrassing its owner or the audience with any notice-me antics. Though the actors emitted a certain amount of noise (as is their scripted wont), and shifted about the stage to maintain a sense of momentum, his penis was the star of the show as mute eye candy, just hanging there - sometimes dancing about in livelier moments - as unboxered penises do. From a dramatic perspective, his penis is rather like Lady Bracknell's handbag* - an inanimate** MacGuffin - though in this instance, seen but not talked about, whereas the handbag is unseen but much talked about."
*A handbag? Click here
**Inanimate as in "appearing dead; not breathing or having no perceptible pulse."
PS: I wonder why Princess Perez and Heat think posting a bunch of pics of a naked actor is "pervy"? Find their sites and espy their prose blushes, poor things. But publishing female tit and puby beaver is OK, not pervy. Odd that. Anyone would think they take their daily catechism from Old (Mr) Murdoch, the high priest of Perpetual Scrotism.

Zac Efron cock shock pic poll result!! It's a fake!!

In a shock blog poll result commissioned by the Madame Arcati personality construct, 58% of her global reading public have voted that this picture of Zac Efron's cock and balls is a Photoshopped fake!

Only 26% thought this pictorial display of the singing-acting star's masculine crown jewels was for real. Ten per cent generously concluded that the image captured "something of the actual" while a mean 6% thought it "nothing like the actual".

Madame Arcati commented: "Not much gets past my public - as seasoned size queens, they can spot a phony once it's pointed out to them."

However, critics of the much-maligned Madame savaged this latest blog poll. The Francophone Quebecian calling himself Duralex said, as he wiped away drama queen froth from his lips with a Man Size Kleenex: "Mon dieu! Madame has completely humiliated herself this time - suicide is the only answer!! Aux grands maux, les grands remèdes - or as the great philosopher Duralex père once said (via Babel Fish): 'Fuck me! I never thought I would enjoy pleasuring myself so much at the expense of another.'" Duralex fils added: "I am emailing Stephanie Mastini and all of Madame's other friends to announce her death - this is the blog equivalent of a life-changing tsunami!!!!!! Je me écrème dans mon pantalon!!!!!"

Another critic, Lorenzo, was fast asleep when called by reporters - his mother said to call back later. "Shhhhh! The masturbator lazy it is full of paste," she helpfully explained (according to Babel Fish). "È un muscolo Mary."

And the Francophone Claire issued a statement: "J'aime sucer le robinet du Duralex" (as translated by Babel Fish). For more on this incomparable translation service click here.

Ewan McGregor - the penis

"It's not as big as I thought - they said he was hung like a donkey. I never saw Young Adam"
"They always exaggerate - look at that Daniel Radcliffe"
"He's quite well endowed, bigger than Ewan"
"Photoshop - Madame Arcati just stuck someone else's dick on him"
"No! Oh that's so awful, what a con"
"You can't trust what you see, I mean how do you know that this Ewan pic hasn't been reversed or touched up?"
"Well, it's from a movie innit - and he's ginger!"
"Could have been painted on - how do you know he's not blond?"
"Well, he's Scottish ain't he?
"You can have Scottish blonds, you twat"
"What about Liam Neeson - that bitch model Janet whatsit said he was hung like a donkey or something"
"She denies it now, says she may have exaggerated ha ha"
"Oh, that's terrible. But what kind of person sticks up celebrity dick pics in the first place?"
"Don't ask"