Hei! to my Finnish friends - you size queens!

I had expected Easter Sunday to be quiet yet I am confounded again by the internet and its erratic ebb and flow. This afternoon, in one hour alone, over 500 visitors from Finland to Arcati - most, natch, came to see this [click here]

Molly Parkin: I Reside In The Tower Of Babel

POEM BY MOLLY PARKIN, COMPLETED FEB 5, 2007.

I RESIDE IN THE TOWER OF BABEL

I RESIDE IN THE TOWER OF BABEL AT THE CHELSEA AREA, WORLD'S END.
THE COUNCIL DUMPED ME ON THIS ONCE-SAVAGE ESTATE
AS THEY HAVE CHRISTINE KEELER, WHEN SHE WAS AT A LOW EBB.
MEANT AS A PUNISHMENT FOR TWO GOOD-TIME GIRLS.
SHE FOR BRINGING DOWN THE TORY GOVERNMENT IN THE 60S
BY SHAGGING PROFUMO, THE FOREIGN SECRETARY,
AND A RUSSIAN SPY, BOTH AT THE SAME TIME
DURING THE COLD WAR.

AND ME, FOR BEING BANKRUPT, NOT PAYING MY TAXES
CHOOSING TO SPEND THE CASH, BOOZING ALL DAY, EVERY DAY
WITH FRANCIS BACON AND THE LIKE AT THE COLONY, INSTEAD.
WHICH I WOULD DO ALL OVER AGAIN, GIVEN THE CHOICE,
SEEING IT AS THE ESSENCE OF MY CREATIVE EDUCATION.
FOR THE CONVERSATION ALONE, CELT TO CELT WITH FRANCIS.
AND BEING CUDDLED AND CALLED 'CUNTY',
SO TENDERLY BY MURIEL, MY MENTOR.

AS FOR THE PUNISHMENT, I'VE BEEN WHIPPED WITH A STRING OF PEARLS
AND AM UTTERLY IN MY ELEMENT, HERE IN WHAT'S TERMED
SHELTERED ACCOMMODATION FOR THE ELDERLY AND INFIRM,
WITH MY VERY OWN GARDEN,
WHERE I'VE PLANTED PALM TREES AND BAMBOOS
AND FRAGRANT BUSHES OF LAVENDER,
AND BEE-SEDUCING HONEYSUCKLE, AND CRIMSON ROSES
CRYING TO BE PLUCKED, HEAVY UNDER THEIR OWN WEIGHT,
LIKE YOUNG WOMEN WITH CHILD.

I HAVE SHY, GLOBAL REFUGEES AS NEIGHBOURS,
NONE OF US KNOWING WHAT THE OTHER IS SAYING,
PASSING IN IN CORRIDORS, SPILLING FROM ELEVATORS,
SO SMILING INSTEAD AND SAYING IT ALL
WITH A GENTLE LOOK IN OUR EYES
OF FUCKING CARING ABOUT EACH OTHER.
MEN AND WOMEN AND CHILDREN,
INFANTS AND ANCIENTS MOURNING FAMILIES BACK HOME
AND THOSE LEFT FOR DEAD IN POLITICAL STRIFE.
THE DISPLACED GOING THROUGH IT,
SHARING LIFE ON AN INNER LONDON COUNCIL ESTATE,
WHICH IF YOU HAVEN'T DONE IT
YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY KNOW IT.
EVERY BLOODY POLITICIAN SHOULD BE FORCED TO TRY IT
LIKE TAKING A PLEASURE CRUISE ON THE TITANIC,
IT UNEXPECTEDLY BRINGS HUMAN BEINGS, HOMO SAPIENS
CLOSER TOGETHER, WHETHER THEY SHARE THE SAME LANGUAGE OR NOT.
LIKE THE HUDDLING OF PENGUINS IN ARCTIC BLIZZARDS.
AND I'M OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER THAT'S HOW IT WAS
IN THE LONDON BLITZ WITH ENEMY BOMBERS OVERHEAD.

SO WE EXCHANGE A BRIEF EMBRACE, A TWINKLE IN THE EYE,
OR A FLEETING BRUSHING OF FINGERS
FEELING COMFORTED AND UNDERSTOOD
USING THIS KIND OF LANGUAGE
WITH SENTENCES LEFT UNSAID.

THE END

Copyright by Molly Parkin 2007

Molly Parkin: Jazz Lovers

POEM BY MOLLY PARKIN, WRITTEN ON MY 75TH BIRTHDAY, FEB 3, 2007.

JAZZ LOVERS

I SEE THE PEARLY GATES AS THE NEXT PORT OF CALL
AND PART OF ME CAN'T WAIT.
ON MY 75TH BIRTHDAY, TODAY, I SAID TO MYSELF.
YOU ARE OLD ENOUGH TO DIE NOW, THAT'S IF YOU WANT TO.
NOBODY COULD ACCUSE YOU OF LEAVING BEFORE YOUR TIME.
JUST ABOUT ALL MY OLD JAZZ-LOVERS,
THOSE JOY-BOYS, ARE ANGELS NOW
SWELLING THE HEAVENLY CHOIR.
SLIM GAILLARD AND ADRIAN HENRY
WHO SAT IT OUT, GLARING, PAST MIDNIGHT
EACH WAITING FOR THE OTHER TO LEAVE
MY BEDROOM IN THE CHELSEA ARTS CLUB.
SLIM WON AND STAYED THE REST OF THE NIGHT.
I MADE IT UP TO ADRIAN LATER, OF COURSE.
THE BED WAS JUST TOO NARROW
TO MAKE MUSIC WITH BOTH THOSE BIG BOYS
OTHERWISE I WOULD HAVE CERTAINLY BEEN UP FOR IT.
LATER THAT MONTH I SHARED CARNAL PLEASURES
WITH ONE THIRD OF THE CUBAN BAND, PLAYING AT RONNIE'S.
IT WAS A SHORT ENGAGEMENT OTHERWISE
I WOULD HAVE SKIMMED THROUGH THE LOT.

MY JAZZ LOVE-LIFE BEGAN IN THE BLACK ARMS OF SATCHMO.
OVER 30 YEARS MY SENIOR, BUT JUST TO SWOON
TO HIS TUNES AND BE SMOOCHED BY THAT MOUTH,
GAVE ME A DIFFERENT SLANT ON THINGS,
SOMERSAULTED MY EXPECTATIONS AS A WOMAN.
WHAT OTHER 22 YEAR-OLD, LILY-WHITE, WELSH VALLEY,
CHAPEL VIRGIN COULD TRUTHFULLY CONFESS TO THAT.

NOW ALL THOSE SAUCY LADS ARE SINGING
THEIR GUTS OUT AT CLOSING TIME. JEFF NUTTALL ON CORNET
WITH THOSE HEART-STOPPING SONGBIRDS
THAT I MET AT RONNIE'S, LIKE ELLA FITZGERALD
AND NINA SIMONE, WHO NAGGED ME TO GHOST HER MEMOIRS.
BUT I WAS TOO PISSED TO PUT PEN TO PAPER BY THEN.
AND CARMEN McCRAE, WHO BOUGHT ME AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF BRANDY
NOT MERELY ONE SHOT. HOW I ADMIRED HER STYLE.
NONE OF US TOOK KINDLY TO THAT COURSE REFRAIN,
HERE ON THIS MORTAL COIL. 'LAST ORDERS , PLEASE!'
HAPPILY, THERE IS NO SUCH ODIOUS PHRASE IN HEAVEN.
JAZZ PARTIES IN PARADISE GO ON FOREVER.

THE END

Copyright by Molly Parkin 2007

The Diana Circle

The Daily Express’ gossip column ran a story this week on my interview with performance artist Mark McGowan and his plan to put on a live sex representation of the conception of Prince William. The paper spoke to something called the Diana Circle. "I sincerely hope he does not harm her memory in any way - she is not here to defend herself," said member Margaret Funnell. "Diana was one of the most beautiful women to walk this planet and if he distorts her in any way, he can be sure we will be down on him like a ton of bricks." The Circle's last big campaign was to prevent the marriage of Charles and Camilla, so Mark has nothing to worry about ...

Julie Burchill - Big Sis for Big Bro?

I hear that Julie Burchill is in talks with Grazia magazine to become its Big Brother correspondent. An excellent development if the right money can be found. She's the true champ of chav-dom - I'm only surprised Heat hasn't snapped her up.

Has anyone seen Tony Slattery?

The press party for ITV1's Kingdom - about a country solicitor (played by Stephen fry) and due to start later this month - was a bit too interesting. Manic-depressive Tony Slattery, who plays a cantankerous villager, was expected but didn't turn up. At some point during the do, he phoned a PR to say he was at King's Cross and would be there "soon". And that was the last we heard from him. Apparently he didn't sound very well. Of the other manic-depressive, Fry, another cast member told me he was "low" during the filming of Kingdom and hardly spoke to anyone off-set. But he was back to his scintillant (other) self at the party.

Comedy star. Buggery. Toilet.

Which famous and dashing comedy star of our island race - who's definitely no laydee! - was very recently to be seen performing the act of buggery on another male in a gentlemen's rest room?

'Web torture' public school named

"One of Britain's top independent schools is under police investigation over allegations of pupil bullying [ie pupils bullying other pupils] involving the use of images of torture, murder and child pornography," reported The Sunday Times last weekend. "The 'cyber-bullying' is alleged to have happened on numerous occasions over a period of about a year ... any intended victim ... would be restrained in a chair and forced to watch ... websites featuring material such as sexual abuse of children, sexual torture of adults and explicit scenes of bestiality."

For reasons best known to the paper - which itself is not unacquainted with bullying practices - it failed to name the school. The school in question is Westminster.

Julie Burchill: Doing lines with the Telegraph

Among the few accomplished people I venerate is Julie Burchill and I shall be reviewing her latest work Made In Brighton very shortly. On this occasion I shall pay her the compliment of reading it cover-to-cover, but I don’t always recommend over-familiarity with a work under review. Too often I have found that an intuitive response based on prejudice or just a gut feeling to the book cover is superior to the actual dispiriting grunt work of grazing one’s way through the chaos of other people’s prose styles. The true import of a book maybe obscured by micro-involvement when what’s required is a nice big macro sweep of inspired clairvoyance. Not so with The Burch. She’s the p(r)ose poet of journalism and I shall repeat this phrase during my review (or “review” ), depending on whether she’s maintained her usual supra-standards now that she’s found herself a co-writer (her husband Daniel Raven). (I suspect she has).

Julie gave a great interview yesterday to the Evening Standard. I didn’t know she has gout. But the portrait suggests she has recovered her natal pulchritude and perhaps this is attributable either to the elixir of persistent Class A drugs consumption and/or the adoption of God. She relates that another journo interviewed her recently and they started out OK on Diet Coke but ended up taking some powder and puking in the street. My spies tell me that the hack in question was from the Telegraph, so that should be a most amusing piece. I must say the Telegraph is looking up these days since it dumped almost everyone.

Madame Arcati had asked Julie for an interview but made the error of using the word “séance” instead; as in, “Would you like to have a séance with me?” It was meant in the French sense of a “session”, but I think perhaps Julie interpreted the word in its British sense and thought I intended to go into a trance state and bring forth dead aunts and the late Tony Parsons with whom to communicate. “Séance” in this context was intended as a play on words, given the Spiritualist provenance of my name. So she declined, having said she would do it last year! I am assuming that her revived Protestantism shook at such a prospect, the Witch of Endor having set a contra-precedent. I can live with that. I’m not bitter.

I look forward to the Diana musical she’s planning, this could be the immortalising of her. I only ask that she resists the talents of Andrew Lloyd Webber or his sidekick Ben Elton. And I like her quote in the interview: “Maybe I’ve been too smug to do anything great, but I wouldn’t swap my life and my low level of achievement, if that’s what it is, for a life lived in misery and self-contemplation. I’d end up lonely with a great novel. I’d rather be a game old bird on a spree.”

Mark McGowan: 'Penetrative sex for Prince William'

I just love the idea of Mark McGowan, don't ask me why: my critical faculties are totally suspended in the face of performance stunt art and its naked ambition. His latest venture is the live representation of Prince William's conception on stage (details in previous post). Will it feature actual sex? I asked him ....

Mark McGowan! You're planning an art performance about the conception of Prince William - why? Was there something special about it?

I think it was quite special and very emotive. He held Diana in an embrace and she gave herself to him.

What do you hope the audience will get from the performance? Or, what will the performance be for?

The audience will be able for the very first time to witness one of the most important moments in the recent history of Britain. The building of a nation. The future king of England.

Be honest, how was it for Diana?

Oh Diana, the queen of hearts. So many men wanted her. Adored by millions. She always was unselfish. She I believe loved every minute of the conception.

I understand the players will wear Charles and Di masks - who will you play and could you tell us how you prepared for the representation?

They will be wearing cardboard boxes on their head with pictures of Di and Charles on the front for aesthetic purposes. We are currently auditioning for the parts as the last pair of actors pulled out due to their involvement in an upcoming Steven Seagal movie.

Will there be simulated sex and a climactic moment in the history of the UK and its Commonwealth?

There is to be no simulation. It is a live penetrative sex performance.

William and Harry have turned out OK, haven't they, standard issue males, like from a sausage factory. What's there to be said about them?

Not too sure about Harry, he's ginger. But William is magnificent.

Would you accept any comparison with Banksy?

Only comparison is that we both make enormous amounts of money out of our art.

Do you get fan mail and/or any unwanted attention from the authorities? How are the media with you?

Only this week the police and fire brigade shut down an attempted effigy burning, lots of fan mail and angry mail. The media are lovely.

You're quite famous for a number of public performances. I didn't quite understand the pro-Jade Goody thing, enjoyed the bean journey by nose ... which is the one you're most proud of to date?

Turning on a tap and leaving it running for one month and scratching 47 cars with my keys were two good projects. But I also liked "artist eats a swan".

Could you tell us a bit about yourself. You're still at the Camberwell College of Arts? Is your family OK about your work? And what is your career ambition?

Still doing a little bit of teaching at Camberwell. Family is mixed - a little bit proud and a little bit embarrassed. My career ambtion is to be a success.

Could you tell us of any other art performances under plan or being pondered.

I am being buried underneath a metre of mashed potato for one week in Dublin, Ireland. Burning some more effigies in Basle, Switzerland in June, and I am doing a self-immolation in November in Chelsea.

For more on Mark's work, see his website [click here].

Meerkat Manor - a question

Meerkat Manor – best thing by far on TV right now. What I don’t understand is how the meerkats communicate decisions. For instance, when boss bitch Flower decides to lead her gang against the Lazuli for the umpteenth time, how does she tell hopeless Youssarian that he's "it" to guard her pups that day? Does she point her nose at him or something? Telepathy? Everyone knows their duty, but how? I find it irritating that the Cambridge University meerkat spies don’t fill in these essential causal links.

The Guardian's Dr Who "scoop"

The Guardian's media Monkey column asks itself excitedly today whether Dr Who star David Tennant has signed up for another series. "The question is put to him at every press conference, and every time he declines to answer," it writes. "But Monkey can reveal that it's not because he hasn't made his mind up. He has. Fans will be pleased to learn that a third series with Tennant in the lead role is guaranteed."

Really! In fact this can only be news to writers who don't bother to read the tabloids or any of the showbiz internet sites (try a Google search). On September 9, 2006, The Sun reported: "David Tennant has signed for his third Dr Who series in a £1million deal, we can reveal."

And it was Madame Arcati who revealed many moons ago that Tennant will depart his Tardis mid-fourth series, most probably early next year.

Try to keep up, chaps.