Justin Bieber's penis: A post-modernist approach to blogging

Justin Bieber and his missing sock

One way to promote your website right now is to post a Justin Bieber item, albeit a spurious one - perhaps the sad, neglected, undiscussed, unread, utterly redundant and hypocritical New Statesman might take note. Justin is among the most searched global topics on the internet, apparently.

Into my second paragraph and I've already lost about 95% of the beliebers: bye. But let's plough on. Much of the obsession with the heterosexually advertised Christian teen sensation, with the bossy mum, is focused  on his cock: Nanny Google has about 1.36m links to Bieber cock stories. So if I link this story to my Daniel Radcliffe PhotoShopped cock pics I'll have created a perfect storm of interest to take Madame Arcati well into the Winterval season.

Predictably, there is much concern about the guessed dimensions of Justin's cock. One school of thought holds that it is very small indeed. Another, that he is Colin Farrell's doppelgänger: let's ask Angelina Jolie next time she's around.  In other quarters, it is claimed Lady Gaga has stolen his penis while .... well see for yourself. It's all out there.

Now, I don't know about you, but I have to get on. But as a parting shot, I publish below the top search keywords to Madame Arcati today, pre-Justin Bieber's penis: A post-modernist approach to blogging - a zeitgeist snapshot:

daniel radcliffe penis
liberace
daniel radcliffe dick
sheila vogel-coupe
daniel craig penis
daniel radcliffe circumcised
daniel radcliffe cock
madame arcati
almine barton
carole malone

Daniel Radcliffe: The penis

The truth



Justin Bieber's penis [click here]
Now see Ewan McGregor's penis [click here]
Now see Jonathan Rhys Meyers' penis [click here]

This is not what Madame Arcati saw at the Gielgud but I thought I'd put it up for all the queens who filled the front row on opening night. As for Stephen Fry sniffing about the preoccupation with the nudity, why was he there? Last I heard all he was interested in doing was running out of theatres when he's not piling on the cash and pounds TV advertising a certain brand of tea. Just because you're about 50, you don't have to let yourself go, dearie.

The Radcliffe piece yesterday broke all Arcati records for unique visits - over 3,000 in one day.

Daniel Craig - see his penis, too [click here]

Daniel Radcliffe posterior shot, click here.

Daniel Radcliffe: the bottom

Much to my astonishment, nearly 75,000 people have visited this site alone just to view the Daniel Radcliffe/Equus nude photo - even after all this time! So here's another one, the posterior shot. May as well give what the public want.

And if you missed the Daniel Radcliffe Penis study, click here.


And here's another bottom shot ...


For a short TV report on Radcliffe in Equus, view this on YouTube [click here]

Poll: Daniel Radcliffe's penis - is it or isn't it?

In the Madame Arcati exclusive poll on Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe and the condition of his penis, I asked: Is he cut or uncut? An overwhelming majority of the 625 people who took part decided that he is uncut. Final result:

Cut 133 (21%)
Uncut 492 (78%)

To decide for yourself, follow the label below. My thanks to all who took part. Other polls of an original nature to follow.

Daniel Radcliffe: penis: flash fiction competition!

"It's that thing of being shocked that I should have hair - you know, anywhere else other than on my head" - Daniel Radcliffe

The headline to this piece is perfectly search engine-friendly. What happens in that thousands of people flock to this site, guided by their feverish, masturbatory fascination with Daniel and Harry Potter, then when they're done they start to look about the site and come back for more. I should have gone into marketing.

Anyhow, here's the competition bit. You know what flash (or micro) fiction is - in this instance write Arcati a 50-word short story about Daniel's first kiss. Feel free to interpret this brief in any way you like, but no more than 50 words. You can write it in any genre - romance, thriller, western, literary, what have you. The prize?

- Publication of the winning entry on this famous site
- Literary fame and notoriety following an email-interview with the remorseless Arcati
- Something Harry Potter-ish (I'll see what I can do) - there are some lovely figurines I'm thinking about

The competiton ends on July 31. Send your entry to: Madamearcati69@aol.com. Your email address will suffice as a point of contact, include your author name. Anonymous entries submitted via the comment button will be instantly zapped. This competition is open to every resident of the globe including prisoners and unauthorised migrants.

Madame Arcati reserves the right to end this competition if entries do not match her exacting standards.

For examples of flash fiction click here. On the site are some good examples of the form including this, entitled A new nickname at 38 by Graham Coleman:

I was now 'Grishi', a reference to my love of fish-based snacks. On the plane I sat next to Isobel who had become Ishi. She was too tall for me but we rhymed. I told her this was as good a basis for marriage as any.

Daniel Craig: The penis

For reasons I don't understand, the Daniel Radcliffe nude photos [click here for an example] on my site still draw masses of visitors after all these weeks, from medical websites in particularly, peculiarly. So, I'll see what happens with Daniel Craig ....

Alfie Allen: A new penis is born

A new penis has been found in Alfie Allen, little bro of Lily, to replace Daniel Radcliffe's in Equus which opens in Chichester on January 31. A nude photoshopped version is invited - regular Arcati devotees know the drill.

(Apparently he got the role because he demonstrated an ability to rise at 8am - for a casting breakfast meeting)

Click on images for tumesced views

NOW SEE ALFIE'S COCK FOR YOUSELF, CLICK HERE

Ewan McGregor - the penis

"It's not as big as I thought - they said he was hung like a donkey. I never saw Young Adam"
"They always exaggerate - look at that Daniel Radcliffe"
"He's quite well endowed, bigger than Ewan"
"Photoshop - Madame Arcati just stuck someone else's dick on him"
"No! Oh that's so awful, what a con"
"You can't trust what you see, I mean how do you know that this Ewan pic hasn't been reversed or touched up?"
"Well, it's from a movie innit - and he's ginger!"
"Could have been painted on - how do you know he's not blond?"
"Well, he's Scottish ain't he?
"You can have Scottish blonds, you twat"
"What about Liam Neeson - that bitch model Janet whatsit said he was hung like a donkey or something"
"She denies it now, says she may have exaggerated ha ha"
"Oh, that's terrible. But what kind of person sticks up celebrity dick pics in the first place?"
"Don't ask"