Sunday, December 23, 2007

Merry Christmas, Queen and ... oculolinctus to you

One useful thing I learnt from the News of the World this morning - amid stories we'll never hear of again (eg "£100k plot to kidnap Amy Winehouse")* - is the word oculolinctus whereby people are aroused by licking their partner's eyeballs and or having their eyeballs licked. I was familiar with acrotomophilia (an intense desire to have sex with an amputee) and sitophilia (sexual arousal by food) and eproctophilia (sexual attraction to flatulence) and andromimetophilia (love of women dressed as men), but not oculolinctus which could be most unpleasant for all concened if one left one's contacts in (or specs on). Even more exotic paraphilia words or neologisms on this theme are most welcome for festive sharing.

To Rupert Everett**, a special Christmas prez - a pic of "Hugh Grant with a hooker", click here.

A welcome cheer for Queen Elizabeth II who now has her own Royal Channel on YouTube - do watch the poppet, click here. In 1957 she conceded "I might seem a remote figure to some of you". Now one can dip into her person at the touch of a keyboard. I see that TheRoyalChannel is classed a broadcaster and it joined YouTube on October 05, 2007. It has a mere 1,244 subscribers as I write but I'm sure this figure will shoot up. "The Christmas Broadcast or 'Queen's Speech' for 2007 will appear on this channel at approximately 3pm GMT on Christmas Day," we are told. Let's hope people don't accidentally go to xtube.

I was most appalled that BBC Radio 4's 7am news bulletin ran a report on who won Strictly Come Dancing last night. I should like to point out that last weekend the same news show failed to mention who won ITV's The X Factor: it's not good enough that a monopolistic beneficiary of a national tax shows such partiality between two shows that both drew about 9m viewers a week (peak time). The BBC is also in the habit of pushing its theme-prompted websites on TV and radio without any mention of rival non-BBC websites - a blatant disregard of the advertising rules.

I wonder whether there's a word for sexual arousal by the thought of, or proximity to, royalty. It's something to think about as you carve up the turkey when a Quorn substitute dish would have carried less of a health risk to you and your loved ones.

Merry Christmas to all my subjects in Arcatiland. MA x

*£100k? This awfully low figure for the safety of the globe's most famous cocaine user brings to mind Austin Powers' out-of-touch Dr Evil who thought to hold the world to ransom for just $1m. Amy's worth to some criminal gang is surely more in the region of £10m - though I shall stand corrected by the more ferally informed among you.

**Justine Picardie helped him with his memoirs btw.


Adriano - Spiritual Healer said...

The highlight of the eproctophilian calender in only 2 days away, MA

Ms Baroque said...

Darling Mme A, you sometimes seem a remote figure to us, too, you know... and yet, sometimes so immediate!

I'm not sure I like this image of eyeball-licking you have infested my brain with, but my very best Christmas wishes to you anyway. I hope you have a delightful holiday.

Ms B xx

Madame Arcati said...

Thank you Ms B - and a happy Christmas to you. On the whole I think you are a more democratic figure.

And Adrianos, thank you for that reminder. The Christmas UK weather forecast is for wet winds which is most appropriate. Though I understand a Quorn dish might minimise the gusts.

Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas MA. You have not nearly entertained us enough yet.

Anonymous said...

I hope this doesn't mean that you're not posting any thing more before Christmas. I can't imagine Madame Arcati bothering with cooking or present-giving.

Anonymous said...

All the best you naughty tart