Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Oh no! Another Nicholas Coleridge novel

I convoked my The Arcati Trees Society (TARTS) recently and proposed that we pray for all the lovely beeches, oaks and whatnot due to be felled for Nicholas Coleridge’s next novel, The Second Deadly Sin, which awaits an unwelcome birth on March 19, 2009.

This baggy paean to yet more wealth and snobbery - the démodé theme of his oeuvre - will be bulked to a colossal 544 pages: could it be that a sylvan idyll the size of Sherwood Forest maybe turned to desert to satisfy the literary ambitions of Condé Nast UK's managing director; who is also vice-president, Condé Nast International (and the World’s Worst Novelist)?

TARTS is praying every Tuesday at 18.00 BST (local times vary, natch) for five minutes in an international effort to save these doomed trees: such a mystical plea must surely have some effect. If you wish to join us as a honorary TARTS member, then simply get on your knees (you should be well practised at that), open your moist mouth and say these words repeatedly: “Trees, please, Sucellus” (pronounced Soo-kell-oas) – Sucellus is the Gaelic god of forests, among other things – after visualising the words "The Seven Deadly Sins" just the once. Make a mantra of this phrase, and you will not only experience universal joy, but be doing something useful about your carbon footprint.

If that's too much effort then at least acquaint yourselves with how Coleridge promotes his books - see labels. He's a right scamp is Nicky.


Anonymous said...

For a more concise paen to wealth and snobbery, see Damian Aspinall's Q&A on the last page of today's ES Magazine. Jaw-dropping. What a prize twat.

Madame Arcati said...

Oh yes, lots of prize twats get profiled in ES Mag. Lots write for it too. A foreign relative of mine recently picked up a copy on a side-table and leafed through it. After 10 minutes she threw it back and said, "How completely pompous. People with actual class don't go on like that."

Alastair said...

I do like Mr Coleridge's novels. He writes about what he knows and there basically sex and shopping novels but without the sex. I do agree that he tries to put too many things into the one novel and needs someone to edit his books more.

Madame Arcati said...

He'll be awfully hurt.