Monday, July 27, 2009

Rupert Everett, Byron and well hung Brazilians


Brazilians have the biggest cocks, a Spanish prostitute told Rupert Everett in his fabby C4 doc series The Scandalous Adventures of Lord Byron. Is this true? Perhaps pan-sexualists will get in touch with their rough guide.

After a lifetime of cock-cunting TV talking faces boring us around the world - Alan Whicker and Michael Pailin come straight to mind (as well as the cunt-cocking Gloria Hunniford) - the cock-cocking-cunting Rupert Everett is a fizzy blast of irreverence in snoozy Sofaland.

He salivated at the prospect of sherbert and sodomy in Turkey, and grew dreamy at the thought of Bryon fucking his 17-year-old Greek boy lover 200 times in a monastery. I had no idea Byron had frolicked with a brutal, long-fingered warlord in Albania who grew hard at the sight of the poet's little white hands: while in Albania, Rupes appeared on a TV talk show and confirmed Madonna sweats. The bits of Bryronic poetry recited were a small price to pay.

Rupes gave us a strip show in an embassy and revealed his arse on at least three other occasions. His biceps are troublingly bloated: big enough to contain wombs for lucrative surrogacy. And he's looking good again, especially now he has a stubbly, astroturfy dark beard.

Other persons whose steps he should follow in include Lord Alfred Douglas, Ted Heath, Tallulah Bankhead and Noel Coward. I envisage a collection of cunt-cocking-cunting, cock-cunting-cocking (or just cock-cocking, cock-pseudo-cocking, cunt-cunting) permutations complete with tasteful royal or upperclass anecdotes and delightful scenery. According to Rupes, Queen Elizabeth II is "well hung".


veritas said...

I certainly feel qualified to talk on this matter but I need a bit more time.

Frances Lynn said...

Good old Rupert! He will always look the same.

Green Goddess said...

You just wanted to use all those long c words at once, nuh, you MINX.

Madame Arcati said...

In time the dictionaries will list these compound c-word creations. You'll see.

Oh and Veritas, give it some thought!

Doctor Who said...

Isn't it time you interviewed Rupes? I know he's always googling himself so he must be aware of you. I know you've annoyed him in the past.

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Anonymous said...

I loved Everett's Byron documentary. He has a real talent for engagement and a mischievous approach to everything. You feel he's capable of anything. If you're reading this, more more more!

Surfpup said...

He looks as though he's just swallowed a turd.

Anonymous said...

I wish Rupert would stop putting his enormous foot in his mouth over and over and over again... and this is just within this month!

Y'know, it really is a pity that he goes around making all those stupid pointless remarks in every interview he gets (What is the message he's trying to get through? Can't you talk some sense into this man, Tim Walker? Is there anyone he would listen to?) I have seen Rupert interviewing other celebrities and he makes the conversation rather interesting (he is smart, darn it!); he could actually be very good at it - better than quite a few drips we have to put up with, not to mention doing this documentary thing more often; but he's his worst enemy. WHY in the name of all that is sacred would he give interviews just to do this to himself every time? One thing is to be mischievously irreverent and quite another is to get a basket of rotten eggs and start throwing them at every unsuspecting soul that passes by. If he thinks he's doing a Dame Edna thing, I have news for him: he's an even more uninspired version of one of Sasha Baron Cohen's characters. This selective Tourette's syndrome that just makes him look like an asshole-savant has got to stop! Rupert, please stop; get your act together and use your smarts in a SMART way.

veritas said...

Rupert is really turning into a terrific writer and a personality that exceeds his acting talent. And the lucky thing looks better as he gets older even if it's botoxed enhanced-as a younger bloke he was really quite plain.

He's probably had plenty of experience with Brazilian or Latin dicks as he spent so much time in Miami, most likely dabbling with Cubans. (Incidently Fidel said in an interview recently he never had any problem with gays but members of his 'cabinet' did because of their Latin machismo)

And friends report that Cuba-now being a hot gay destination suggest that it's true. That Cubans, like Brazilians are ginormous (Rupert is no slouch himself either in that department-as my dentist can confirm).

The last time I saw Everett was at a lunch in Sydney when he was the honored guest at the Sydney Gay & Lesbian Mardi Gras where Rupert headed the parade in an open top sports car-or as he wittingly put it-"like Kennedy in Dallas but without the assasination".

At the lunch he turned up with 2 hunky blokes he had found the night before at at an Oxford Street macho bar called the Midnight Shift and booted a TV chef off his table to make way for them. One was a Maori lad who was reputed to be enormously well hung so Rupert must like them that way.

Later whilst being interviewed for the luncheon diners by a drag queen called Mrs Maude he was asked "what's been the dullest time for you in Sydney during your visit ?".

Rupert replied "this lunch" and walked out with his 2 new friends !.

Such style.

Anonymous said...

Humm, nobody has come forward to answer to your question, MA darling:
"Brazilians have the biggest cocks... Is this true?"

But frankly, who would bother to pull out a measuring tape when faced with something like this? Don't let size stop you; there are more ways than one to peel a banana.

Brazilians' whole approach to their sexuality /sensuality is so cool that I dare you to stop to pay attention to dimensions when a Brazilian strokes your... arm? There must be something in the water in Brazil; their touch seems to be charged with static electricity - or maybe they're just wearing lycra?

Alastair said...

Anyone know what Mr Everett is up to these days ?