Sunday, July 05, 2009

Killer cows! You'll never go into a field again

Years ago I interviewed a solicitor who had nearly been killed by a herd of calving cows. He'd clambered over a stile and exercised his right to use a public footpath running through their field. But soon this great drama queen cow was affronted and trotted after him followed by her mooing court (comparisons with Arcatistes will not be permitted). The poor lawyer was kicked and knocked about by these great farting lumps and he only escaped because he was fit enough to make a run for it. He was destined to flee into my arms and tell me his lucrative tale. My shoulder is absorbent (but not throwaway).

I know that cows (Anna Wintour and Bridget Rowe excepted) are not normally of interest to Madame Arcati and her connoisseurs, but it's my duty to share with you all the things that intrigue me. So when I heard this morning that a Cumbrian farmer must compensate a woman "tossed around" by his herd of 40 Simmental-cross beef cows, I was reminded of the solicitor's case. Have cows, like certain elephants, developed a homicidal tendency?

A Google search reveals an alarming number of cow attacks - yet when was the last time you saw a warning sign on a farm fence? A few days ago a woman on the Yorkshire Dales was killed by cows and in another recent case a Blackpool woman, Alice Rosser, was attacked by a herd in Scotland: the cows stamped on her and broke her ribs. Apparently, in the UK, 19 people have been killed and 481 injured by cows in the past eight years. Even poor old David Blunkett MP was left with a black eye after a cow attack not long ago. Doggy Sadie couldn't save him.

Conventional wisdom has it that the cows are just protecting their calves and are spooked by victims' dogs. My own intuition tells me that cows are slowly waking up to the true character of their human captors. For generations, limpid-eyed cows assumed life was one long free lunch at the expense of pitchforked sucker yokels. OK, so even if cows of a certain age just suddenly disappeared like 30-year-old humans in Logan's Run, they'd enjoyed a subsidised life of leisure. My own feeling is that the memory of the abattoir has telepathically impinged on the DNA of cows: at long last, they now begin to understand that life is one long preparation for a hellish McDonald's fate. The cows are acting under a race memory and are out for revenge.

So next time you elect to clutter up the countryside and fuck up its biodiversity, give the killing cow fields a miss. You've been warned.

"A cow can turn on you and attack you out of the blue... I saw the horn enter Sally's mouth"


Anonymous said...

This posting's an ingenious ruse to shower away the JanuaryWinter mob. They only tagged along because you name drop as a rule.

Madame Arcati said...

It is important that Madame Arcati does not live up to any expectation. Bitch.

Ross Eldridge said...

Surely Madame will agree with me that cows are female and that Sally was not attacked by a cow, but, apparently, by a bullock ... the male version. To think this Bizarre ER aired on BBC-3 and they didn't pick up on that. More wasted licence fees.

But good on the cows and the bulls for getting their own back. I wonder if the donkeys on our seaside beaches will finally react to news that in some seats of learning and culture they are flung from church towers for good fortune and entertainment. I imagine a donkey could do some damage with a well-placed kick.

All in all, of course, it's safer to walk through a herd of anxious cattle with a dog than it is to walk down the High Street after 11.00pm.

Madame will recall the brilliant scene in "Women in Love" when Gudrun taunts the highland cattle and Gerald gets awfully upset. Did Glenda Jackson really risk a good goring, or were those pantomime cattle? Perhaps Glenda should address cattle rights and wrongs in the Commons (and on the commons).

What say?


Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Ga ga Bore said...

What a useful service you provide. I was nearly shafted by a bull - but he went all coy at the last minute

Anonymous said...

Darling MA
Are you ok sweet pea?
Worried in SW London

Baz the Shag said...

Despite your tweed cape a la bicyclette, Madame A, you can't do rural. Get pagan. It's about farmboys pulling out their cocks on wooded riverbanks and wenches pissing in the undergrowth.

Gorgeous Vidal said...

I did not bugger Jack Kerouac once - but twice - but came neither time

forgotten ones fund/stephmastini said...

yeah.... bitch!
(I don't use the "c" word...but if I did)...

Madame Arcati said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Madame Arcati said...

Goodness, I expected a little peace with this posting. Perhaps I'll post something on astro-physics next and see how that goes down.

Dear Ross, I decided the bullock should be an honorary cow - and the BBC agreed. Male sexual ambiguity tends to be feminised so why not harmonise with contemporary prejudice? I'm not sure what the BBC's excuse is.

The Ramblers' Assoc made that point about fields being safer than roads but that ignores volume. Over 3000 people (pedestrians?) are killed on UK roads pa, but that's among billions, extrapolated. How many people ramble pa?

Dear Baz, paganism does interest me until I encounter its practitioners: they can be quite rough and former heavy metal fans with horrible big hands and a tendency to violence. Then again I was in a Brighton shaman's shop yesterday and the owner was talking to two policemen: she was complaining that animal vigilantes had ordered her to remove a beaver coat from the window or face a demo. They had taken photos of the shop staff. I don't know why I'm telling you this but there you go.

Now, who else?

Dear Gorgeous Vidal - you used to rub tummies with your lovers didn't you?

Dear sweet Pea, who are you? I know soooo many people in SW. Send me a private email.

Anonymous said...

Madame A

Do give us your take on the Penguin news...