Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Prince Philip censored Molly Parkin sex chapter in James Robertson Justice book

Isn't it a fright? I learn that a book celebrating the life of the late British comic actor James Robertson Justice was censored by Prince Philip.

James Robertson Justice: What's the Bleeding-Time? was published in paperback last year with a Foreword by the Duke of Edinburgh. But before publication the Prince read the book in manuscript and took exception to graphic sex scenes described in the Hello Molly chapter which chronicles the bawdy, enchanting romance between the actor and the former Sunday Times and Nova fashion editor, novelist, poet and painter (and my gorgeous fiancée) Molly Parkin.

The Prince was so appalled that he threatened to withdraw his Foreword if the chapter wasn't removed - or at least toned down. And so the chapter was laundered by royal command.

Molly tells me: "I was saddened by how much of the fun was excluded about our love affair. All the adventurous sexual stuff, like inserting the bedside strip-lighting in my twatty (a la Fatty Arbuckle). And the easing of a soapy toothbrush up my arsehole. All at his deflowering of me at the age of 22, in the Cadogan Hotel, Belgravia.

"He claimed I needed to familiarise myself, get on friendly terms with every orifice. I trusted everything he said.

"All that juiciness was in the original manuscript. I understand Prince Philip was vehement in his disapproval and had refused the inclusion of his Foreword unless my chapter was toned down (preferably withdrawn).

"So it's a painfully shortened chapter with all the spunk drained out of it. James would not have been pleased!"

This is a pity. I should have thought that such sexual detail would sell more copies than some anodyne words from Prince Philip. News that James Robertson Justice had a highly imaginative libido and a penchant for DIY sex toys makes him sound most fascinating.

Madame Arcati recommends that the book be reissued with the old chapter restored and Prince Philip's Foreword fed into the shredder.

Picture above of Molly Parkin by Tommy Candler

James Robertson Justice as Sir Lancelott Spratt in Doctor in the House (1954)


Anonymous said...

Bet PP was jealous he didn't think of such fun in the boudoir during his - 'rumour has it'- philandering days.

Anonymous said...

This is not censorship but a commercial decision by the author and publisher. Please use words properly.

Madame Arcati said...

That depends on who you are. For Prince Philip it was a matter to be censored. For the authors, it was a matter of retaining the Duke's goodwill as part of a commercial calculation. I do hope you benefit from my instruction in the right use of words.

The Duchess said...

A most sensible decision by the Duke and the author and publisher. I don't think pornographic descriptions have a place in an august book on James Robertson Justice. Imagine the scandal had the book been published with all that stuff about striplights up Molly's whatsit. It might have brought down the monarchy. Do see sense Madame.

Anonymous said...

Good God. Arcati's turning into Majesty magazine.

Anonymous said...

I'm writing a book called The Sex Lives of the Viceroys of India, climaxing with Lord Mountbatten. Any suggestions?

the late Dame Barbara Cartland said...

I agree with Madame's analysis and James Robertson Justice came from the day when men were real men and lassies like Molly took their toothbrushes as ordered.

I had the same problem with censorhip with my novels.

As to Anon's Lord Mountbatten query-I have a delicious tale revealed to me by a former equerry which includes PP.I'm dictating it at present to my secretary here in heavan-which if anyone didn't know-is full of pink fluffy clouds.

My books are just as popular up here which is something you can all look forward to.

Madame Arcati said...

So lovely you came through at my seance, Dame Babs. Was Mountbatten queer?

Edwina said...

The question should be - was Louis straight? To which the answer is - enough to do his duty. But I hated to see him thrash around fruitlessly and I used to say 'Go to Herbert, I know that's what you want'. We were both sufficiently grown-up to understand that flogging a dead horse is not romantic.

Madame Arcati said...

Edwina darling, so good of you to come thru. Busy tonight. I've got that Barbara Cartland on another post, or was it here? Can't be bothered to look. x

the late Dame Barbara Cartland said...

Madame,one didn't use words like 'queer' in the manner you allude to. When one said "Herbert is feeling a little queer" they meant Herbert had an upset tummy rather than Herbert, who more often than not, was out in the gardening shed fiddling with the game-keeper's son.
One would say "he is not as other men" and as far as Dickie was concerned, well frankly-he was just like every other man !. Well like those in The Guards if you get my drift.

You would know this if you had read my 'Guide to Good Behaviour from the Boudoir to the Boardroom' which is actually required reading if you wish to enter this sphere I inhabit.

In my books, which are all based on real life encounters, I often disguised characters in order to save embarrassment but if one looked carefully there are always clues. For instance I suggest you all re-read 'For Ever and Ever' and substitute 'the enigmatic Sharon the staff mechanic" for the Earl of Davenport and you would understand why life for Viola in India, as she felt a certain stirring, was going to be more more complex than she had thought. Against the backdrop of the Russian revolution of course.

We did however call a spade a spade. So I have to say in one of my novels I'd describe this Molly character as a downright slut if she hadn't wed Mr Robertson Justice before that toothbrush (and whose toothbrush was it?) was inserted. But at least it happened in Belgravia which is something I suppose.

Madame Arcati said...

You are a delight Dame Babs and of course I wish you a happy New Year tho' of course there's "no such thing as time" in the spirit world. xx

Edwina said...

I resent Dame Barbara referring to my husband as Dickie. That was strictly for intimates - and she wasn't one of them!

Anonymous said...

Anodyne is such an underused word.

Liz.Blog said...

Best wishes for a great New Year in 2010!

the late Dame Barbara Cartland said...

One never took much notice of Edwina as I believe it was her that nipped in the bud the important missives I sent to various Royal Family members on correct behaviour. Today one sees the results of that with this dreadful Cornwall woman having infiltrated them.
My pet name for Louis was Fritzi given his background and sadly Edwina wasn't always aware-as it should be-the various habits and movements of their menfolk. It was actually I that encouraged Fritzi to get PP to marry HRH in order to 'grade up'. Fritzi was always coming to me about personal difficulties he was having with young officers in various regiments. Edwina just wasn't in the loop to use a modern idiom.

This Molly Parkin character interests me and I've decided to dictate a new novel featuring her as the herione-as a scruffy lass in a large, oddly cocked hat selling toothbrushes in the streets of Soho ..who attracts the attentions of the well known lusty randy rogerer, cad and bounder Lord Robertson Justice ( known as Jimmy Jam It In to his friends)who finds Molly strangely alluring and whisks her off to the Cadogan Hotel on a promise to show her his etchings of famous toothbrushes.

Eventually it's discovered that Molly is the missing Grand Duchess Anastasia Nikolaevna of Russia as like all my popular novels, it will be set against the background of the Russian Revolution.

Madame Arcati said...

A most marvellous story Dame Barbara, I only hope it will find a publisher this side (ie my side) of death. Don't make Molly too scruffy though. She was after all a fashion queen.

the late Dame Barbara Cartland said...

Dear Madame A,
I have no intention of impugning the character of the heroine of my forthcoming novel "Love at The Cadogan-The Seduction of a Duchess ".
In fact Molly becomes the darling of fashionable London when her true origins are revealed.

Her temporary memory loss vanishes when her-well that yucky thing-receives the toothbrush as it rammed in by Lord James.

Molly suddenly re-calls in a painful blinding flash, the gunfire as her relatives are mown down by a bunch or ruthless revolutionary peasants but a White Russian patriot spirits her away to safety to deposit her on a London bound steamship..and then recalls as Lord Robertson Justice rips away at her bodice-as if a lightbulb went off-that concealed within are the entire Russian Royal Family crown jewels.
Molly then goes on to capture London with her wit, dress sense and amusing hats and attracts the attention of a young handsome gent of dubious background but eventually the 2 are wed.

The gentleman of course turns out to be-we didn't have them in my day-a lesbian called (look it up if you don't know what they are)Madame Arcati.

It will be my first truly modern novel dictated from Heaven.

And amazingly-given Molly's age when she was rogered by Robertson Justice-it can all be set against the background of the Russian Revolution !

In fact, I think with 4 posts now that is a complete novel !

(note to secretary-make sure the publisher ensures the cover depicts Molly with her toohbrush tray as looking sad but pretty and her hat and outfit are pink and Lord James has lustful eyes and is in breeches. And send in the butler with a bottle of gin)

Madame Arcati said...

I can scarcely wait to read ... your usual 50,000 words one assumes? Your novels were usually quite short, darling.

Anonymous said...

Ok, I know that Molly it to lighthearted to mind and in the other world time is not to the essence or whatever, but it is starting to bother me that Dame Cartland is totally overseeing the fact that Molly is not at all contemporary with the Duchess, Mr. JRJ or Dame Cartland herself. Would you mind reminding her at your next séance with her, dear? Being that Molly has gypsy heritage, she can always make her the DAUTHER of the duchess with some hot gypsy prince and more of a BIBA gal. Molly is only 77, not 110.