Sheila Vogel-Coupe's X Factor: Oh my God, her sex movie!

Dame Cecilia and friend

My woman of the year 2010, Sheila Vogel-Coupe (aka prostitute Grand Dame Cecilia Bird, aka actress Ruby Tuesday), 81, really does love vigorous sex, judging by her performance in this free excerpt from a porno (to be found via the site address in the picture - but be warned, the material is extremely graphic.)

Her performance is much more entertaining than that of her granddaughter Katie Waissel on The X Factor. Perhaps Simon Cowell might care to comment.

And let me know what you think of Sheila's performance.

Madame Arcati - does she have a cock? Click here

Sheila Vogel-Coupe: Mature Courtesans website - the review

Sheila Vogel-Coupe

I am astonished at the thousands of new readers who have stormed into Madame Arcati all because of my little post on Sheila Vogel-Coupe. She's in the Sun today, blissfully unashamed to be a practising prostitute at the age of 81. But I am appalled that her disrespectful X Factor wannabe and Frodo lookalike granddaughter, Katie Waissel, was 'vile and vicious' towards her on the phone after singing Help! last Saturday. Help? She can fuck off, dearie.

Anyhow, all this talk of Sheila has drawn me to the Mature Courtesans website where until recently she advertised her person. The madam of this establishment is one Helga who apparently has 'gone away' for now - and I must say Helga's business is a tribute to the kind of fine manners we should expect in these times of Old Etonian governance, even if her grasp on grammar and syntax is not.

'I only cater for gentlemen who prefer the delights of a mature companion,' she announces candidly. Her ladies (aged 35+ up to their 80s) she calls 'entertainers' or 'companions'. Gentlemen must be 'clean and appetising', the sort that might want to take a courtesan to Ascot. Clients are encouraged to bring 'surprise gifts': if they intend to cancel they're invited to be a 'considerate and well-bred gentleman' and call or text.

Most of the Vintage Vamps on display speak several languages and all would not look out of place on a Fred Olsen cruise liner. Bella Martin, for instance, is in her 70s and is described as 'a new star arrived on the Horizon of the Escort Universe', speaks English and French and discusses current affairs. The backdrop to her various picture poses looks distinctly Chelsea Harboury. Like all her colleagues she dislikes a 'Lack of personal Hygiene, Manners, Drunks & Drug-Users.' Not bankers, too?

I particularly like the look of Lady B, 69, who 'has been working as a bunny girl', is partial to champagne and is 'bi-curious'.

Mature Courtesans' purple wallpaper puts in mind the rich decor of an Alfred Tayor male brothel of the sort Oscar Wilde patronised: and the rich use of euphemism (one pays for a companion's time) is entirely 19th century. All that's missing is opium fume. Well, I say 19th Century, yet British law rather compels this kind of nonsense. All ver' Old Etonian-friendly.

Oh my God, Sheila's sex movie!

Oh my God, Madame Arcati on her fetishes. Click here

Sheila Vogel-Coupe: Madame Arcati's woman of the year 2010

The Grand Dame

The news that X-Factor wannabe Katie Waissel's granny is an 81-year-old 'escort' filled me with joy yesterday. I was soooo impressed.

'Pensioner Sheila Vogel-Coupe offers sex as a "vintage vamp" under the name of Grand Dame Cecilia Bird and boasts she has clients in their twenties,' screamed the News of the World in their story wittily headlined 'Gum and get it'. The Sun calls her the '£250-an-hour crinkly tart' today in its customary cheapo recap of its sister paper's exclusives. The slag who wrote the Screws piece, Stephen Moyes, should get some special treatment for this delicious exposé - though of course karmically he's got something coming to him. Oh yes.

I must say the Grand Dame looks nothing like her age and demonstrates a wit and canniness young hacks on tabloids can only dream about. She has found the wherewithal to buy her 'sheltered accommodation' flat - so the housing association can't throw her out - and she shortly embarks on a trip to Italy. She dresses elegantly, loathes tattoos, drinks fine red wines and probably uses an expensive mouthwash.

I do hope the new-found notoriety doesn't upset Sheila too much. Once the relatives have got over it they'll quietly marvel at her fashionable entrepreneurial spirit. Katie should feel proud of her gran. I can only wish for such a relative.

Rather than moping about all day waiting for care assistants to sit her on a commode or blocking up her GP's waiting room with imagined complaints or generally being lonely because she put all her life into her kids/partner/pets before they died/scarpered, Sheila entertains frustrated men in need of intelligent conversation, charming company and a harmless ejaculation while cradled in her arms.

Quite frankly this woman should be made a dame. Except she's already a Grand Dame.

Review of the Mature Courtesans website where Sheila once advertised. Click here

Oh my God, Sheila's sex movie!

Bing Crosby: Time we banned his festive stink

Time I think to found a Ban Bing Crosby (BBC) society or club. I stormed out of two stores today because of their nicotine-coated White Christmas serenades as old bitch bargain hunters trampled to death promising young sperm donor shop assistants: to think, profit margins might have grown fatter on my festive generosity. Alas, Bing Crosby shooed me away and so two businesses now face an uncertain future in these already parlous economic times.

St Augustine, in his The City of God, speaks of men with “such command of their bowels, that they can break wind continuously at will, so as to produce the effect of singing." Flatulism has an illustrious history: the well known Gemini, Le Pétomane (Joseph Pujol), was a professional farteur who imitated musical instruments. The professional farters of medieval Ireland were called braigetori.

So Crosby fans should not be upset if I say that the only possible explanation for Bing’s low, rumbling crooner emissions is that he was a consummate flatulist whose anal belches were recorded then replayed very slowly indeed (to the accompaniment of trumpet, piano, fiddle and his lilting whistlings).

Par rump pa pump pum etc etc (my thanks to Crista for this exemplary reminder).

Whether such a noise should be actively encouraged where decent couples (and their children) congregate to purchase goods is worthy of serious thought. Lest we forget, flatulence is a major cause of global warming: do we really want to encourage the celebration of this destructive sound as we seek budget-friendly goodies thanks to a 2.5% reduction in VAT?

To finish, listen to Bing singing a hymn to gay love (did you not realise he celebrated gay love? Oh dear, indiscreet me. And he beat his kids and had bad breath). And then listen to a cacophony of farts for comparative analysis, click here.

Sebastian Horsley: 'I'll marry him on Christmas Day'

Gosh, suddenly I'm the patron saint of escorts! Well, they're better company than ghastly hacks, that's for sure. Now, Sebastian Horsley. He has many friends, I see, and one in particular, Belle, got in touch and I said to her: C'mon, talk to me about him, tell us about Sebastian, the man who says he's visited over 1,000 prostitutes and is a Will Self old chum. So this is what happened ...

Belle, how long have you known Sebastian? Where did you meet him? What was the thing that sparked the friendship?

I met Sebastian in September at an Arts & Literary festival called Gold 08 which took place in Shoreditch. Myself and a friend had recently read his fantastic book, Dandy in the Underworld (named after the Marc Bolan tune) and had spoken to Sebastian a couple of times through cyberspace, so when we heard he was doing a talk at the event, we felt it extremely necessary to go and meet the man himself!

After his talk, which we seriously enjoyed (I think that some others in the room were a touch shocked, and definitely did not get some of the topics he was describing ... a bit like on This Morning!) the three of us sat chatting away on the steps of Shoreditch Town Hall for a while, discussing all things from his book, to Bolan, our musical tastes, films, London, Manchester.

What did you talk about when you first met?

See previous answer.

Is it a platonic relationship?

He is of the male species. I am of the opposite. So yes. Sebastian?

Who does more talking, you or he?

Both? Although I never know when to shut up. Only when gagged!

How often do you see him? Is it mainly remote eg phone, email?

Since meeting Sebastian in September, we have hooked up once which was a couple of weeks ago. I visited Horsley Towers with another friend, then we went out for afternoon tea in Soho. I hope to be in London again in the coming weeks so maybe then, who knows!

Apart from that, we mainly chat via email as I live in Manchester.

Would you describe Sebastian as happy, content, unhappy, troubled, all of the above in a healthy balance?

N/A - Don't really think I can answer this as I don't know him 'that well' at present.

Tell me something of yourself?

I recently turned 26, which according to Sebastian is quite an 'offensive' age ha ha! I currently reside in Manchester and work in radio.

What's your view of his whoring?

I find it quite interesting to be honest. Until I read Sebastian's book, I hadn't really thought about it, but it all kind of makes sense, I mean most of the things that go on in the world, whether wacky or 'the norm' make some kind of sense and can be understood one way or another. Myself and most people who I know are a bit crazy and certainly not average, so I am very much a believer in that as long as you are not harming anyone, you should be able to do what you like and what makes you happy.

You bought him nail varnish recently. What's the precise colour?

I'm a huge fan of nail polishes and not so long ago came across the Barry M range. Now I have tried nearly every make possible, including the likes of Chanel, but I find these have the most amazing colours and don't chip as quickly as other brands, which I'd say is pretty damn good! I think that Sebastian would have been wearing either the Red Glitter on its own, or Bright Red, topped with Red Glitter. Didn't it look fabulous? - I think it even got a comment from Jack Dee post the This Morning interview!

What do you both talk about mainly now? Is Gordon Brown a subject likely to feature?

Anything and everything.

Are you in love with him?

Why of course! I do not think it is possible not to be. I've heard that every woman who meets Sebastian falls at his feet ... I did ... I actually then went on to fall down the aforementioned steps at Shoreditch Town Hall.

Will you spend Christmas together? If not, where?

Yes. We will be married on Christmas Day, then divorce on Boxing Day. What a way to celebrate!