Sunday, November 30, 2008

Bing Crosby: Time we banned his festive stink

Time I think to found a Ban Bing Crosby (BBC) society or club. I stormed out of two stores today because of their nicotine-coated White Christmas serenades as old bitch bargain hunters trampled to death promising young sperm donor shop assistants: to think, profit margins might have grown fatter on my festive generosity. Alas, Bing Crosby shooed me away and so two businesses now face an uncertain future in these already parlous economic times.

St Augustine, in his The City of God, speaks of men with “such command of their bowels, that they can break wind continuously at will, so as to produce the effect of singing." Flatulism has an illustrious history: the well known Gemini, Le P├ętomane (Joseph Pujol), was a professional farteur who imitated musical instruments. The professional farters of medieval Ireland were called braigetori.

So Crosby fans should not be upset if I say that the only possible explanation for Bing’s low, rumbling crooner emissions is that he was a consummate flatulist whose anal belches were recorded then replayed very slowly indeed (to the accompaniment of trumpet, piano, fiddle and his lilting whistlings).

Par rump pa pump pum etc etc (my thanks to Crista for this exemplary reminder).

Whether such a noise should be actively encouraged where decent couples (and their children) congregate to purchase goods is worthy of serious thought. Lest we forget, flatulence is a major cause of global warming: do we really want to encourage the celebration of this destructive sound as we seek budget-friendly goodies thanks to a 2.5% reduction in VAT?

To finish, listen to Bing singing a hymn to gay love (did you not realise he celebrated gay love? Oh dear, indiscreet me. And he beat his kids and had bad breath). And then listen to a cacophony of farts for comparative analysis, click here.


crista said...

Oh I wish it could be Christmas rum pum pum pump!!

Madame Arcati said...

Ah yes, excellent - I have added to the posting since this lyric is so illustrative of the popping-ness of farting.

The late Charles Hawtrey said...

Oh dear, first Mr McGowan, now Bing. Madame is in one, I can tell. Penny for your thoughts, darlin' - ooh fuck me, we've gone decimal.

Anonymous said...

Did you realise, MA, how little the medical profession today neither understands or cares about the embarrassment of violent flatulence ? My Germanic GP recently dismissed my condition, putting it down to a good vegetarian diet. "sign of a good meal" - presumably she would have given Adolf Hitler (who also `gefurzt`)the same advice ?

I am intrigued to know where exactly you shopped and had to endure Bing`s festive farting. Surely not Harrods !

Bah humbug.

Madame Arcati said...

Since when did I care what the medical profession cares about? But I can assure you that if you farted in your GP's consulting room he or she would reflexively gaze at you disapprovingly. I'm afraid breaking wind is the height of bad manners and should not be encouraged, particluarly in shops.

I happened to be at the Brighton Marina over the weekend and one one of the shops there which played Bing was ... well, why give it publicity?

A fan of farteurs said...

I only come here to read about farting. Where else would one find more erudite thoughts on this topic? Some of your finest moments as a blogger may be found in this post, Madame.

Anonymous said...

has to be Asda !

Madame Arcati said...

Oh you know it so well. Asda and then some crummy household furnishings shop that used to be quite good but is just flogging bed linen before it closes in the New Year (I suspect) - like just about everything in the Marina. There was also a "Christmas market" ie some New Age candle sellers fresh from a car boot sale. I can't understand why the Marina is such a dive, though it has a couple of good restaurants. Its Strada is nice, and that Chinese place, Imperial something.