Thursday, November 20, 2008

Sebastian Horsley: Fancy me not knowing of him


I didn't know of artist Sebastian Horsley's existence until I caught sight of him on This Morning talking about his visits to 1000-plus prostitutes. The nancers were talking about some idiot new law the busybody Home Sec wants to bring in which proposes to hang and quarter men who are into commercial cock-cunting, and there was Aunty Denise, 97, clucking away as Sebastian said he relished breaking the law. "Visiting all those prostitutes must have addled your brain," she barked, chins swaying like Capt Mainwaring's saggy testicles. To which he stuck his tongue out at her when she wasn't looking.

His nails were painted red, his eyes mascaraed. His collars had the wingspan of a golden eagle. I knew he'd be trouble when his off-camera audible sighs filled the air as the nancers said what they imagined their mothers, fathers or other restriction figure wanted to hear. It's not Sebastian's fault if Phillip Schofield confines his cock to the marital comfort zone. We really must stop trying to impose our comfort zones on other people: sex workers need taken care of, not nannying nancers and their corrupted Christian Reader's Digest approach to life.

I see now that Sebastian wrote a book earlier this year which passed me by, Dandy in the Underworld. Apparently he has spent £100,000 on commercial cock-cunting and another £100,000 on crack cocaine. The coke I can believe, the cock-cunting I'm not so sure about: I would need to assess the kind of prostitutes we are talking about here: male, female, tranny. I suppose I'll have to read the book to find out. He also underwent a voluntary crucifixion. Yet he lived to tell the tale.

Here he is, Sebastian Horsley's Guide to Whoring ...

13 comments:

Fish Inton said...

Horsley is on my list of people to have a drink with. I find his aversion to intimacy interesting.

Word verification: bumindor. Indeed.

The House of Beauty and Culture said...

He too, is a member of the Colony Room Club.

Sue George said...

He certainly isn't a dyed in the wool heterosexual.

When he had his infamous sex column in the Observer, he said: "“I’ve buggered and been buggered by men and I’ve buggered and been buggered by women”.

Gosh. Of course, he was sacked (after they printed it).

When I went to a reading he did, he talked about an escapade with a transsexual prostitute.

Famously, too, he had a relationship with Jimmy Boyle while Mr Boyle was also spending quality time with the then Mrs Horsley.

Fish Inton said...

Oh, and Madame, the blog about Nicky's party is up. I know 'old news i no news' but it's there now.

Belle said...

I recently had afternoon tea with the great one and Id say he is one of the most unique, fabulous, intelligent people I have so far been lucky enough to meet. If anyone who reads this blog hasn't read his book, you have not lived. Go buy it!...Now I say!

Sebastian Horsley said...

Oh I'm so clever, I wish I could sleep with myself.

Fancy a fuck Madame Antarctica? Or would you mind lying down while I have one?

Sebastian Horsley x

Madame Arcati said...

What fascinating comments. Thank you Sue for updating me on Sebastian - I do think he should have his own chat show, don't you. I could be Madge to his Edna. And Belle - who are you? Perhaps you need to submit to a famous Arcati interview by email so that we can learn more about this tea.

And The House ... do you think Sebastian will be attending the Colony's bacchanalia on - is it? - Dec 9?

And Sebastian - if it is he. I have posted your comment separately to seewhat happens. xx

And Fish - which party? It's such a long time ago ....

Anonymous said...

This all seems a bit odd to me

Anonymous said...

Hello darling, just wanted to add about the "This Morning" fiasco, did have me giggling as Sebastian flew the "punter" flag. What an amusing representation. Anyway you stated in your blog prostitutes need looked after. Sorry I am an Independent escort who certainly doesnt need looked after unless its a good rogering! I have had a fantasticly interesting, creative, sexual journey whoring. Not all of us ladies are victims, pimped out blah blah. Not that I feel you were implying this. Have a great evening x Crista Carter Edinburgh

Madame Arcati said...

Crista sweetheart! To be honest I only caught part of the show and then there seemed to be about 4 different conversations going on at cross-purposes, from Sebastian's post-watershed riffing to Uncle Phil getting all stony-faced and blah blah, to that funny old bag who sits there like the Chucky Doll's granny pulling faces when someone tells them there's a hoover pipe up their arse.

Perhaps you should submit to an Arcati email interview and tell us as a few things about your life and work ...

Anonymous said...

This whole blog is like something out of Mapp & Lucia, the porno version.

Anonymous said...

What an amusing image I have conjured up of Uncle Phil and chucky doll Denise... the agony of every aunt!
Sent you an e-mail hope you received it? I'm a blonde teckie nightmare.
Anyway its
crista.x@hotmail.com
http://cristacourtesanreflections.blogspot.com
Just started blogging for business purposes. In fact surprisingly received a booking directly after my blog regarding Scottish Highland Games. The guy competed in some of these odd events. His "gift" is championing an event called tossing the hammer, similar to the caber! My forte is another type of tossing ha ha x

Burlesque Honey said...

While I admire Monsieur Horsley’s flair for self-promotion and think all of us harlots can still learn a few tricks about raising our profiles from him. Somehow he does not quite fit the average punter mould, far be it for me to suggest that my clients are average lol. His carefully nurtured image of debauchery may just play into the hands of the morale crusaders so that want to save us hussies from ourselves. But at the very least he is rather entertaining. I still recall reading ‘120 days of Sodom’ while desperately trying to avoid falling asleep. This is the cure for insomniacs and ought have been titled ‘120 days of Boredom’. Nothing worse when a debauchee lists his dirty deeds with the belligerent flair of an accountant…

Christa, my fellow strumpet has alerted us to this blog and post so hence I am sticking my oar in. I simply cannot stand the constant patronisation of the modern day reincarnation of Victorian misguided do-gooders that want to rescue us fallen wenches. I came to strumpeteering late in life by accident after a long dry spell that placed my neighbours and me in imminent danger of acquiring millions of cats. I fell into bed with a charming gent after a normal business meeting. After the deed, the gent was racked with guilt and confessed he normally only pays for sex as it helped him to ease his conscience about extra marital nookie. He inquired if I would be offended if he offered me money. Well, I asked how much exactly he intended to offend me. His guilt and the offence were high. After this surprise ‘punt’ I researched the industry on the whole and now cherish a job with great hours and relative good pay. What Ms Harman and Ms Smith fail to comprehend is that the great majority of escorts have entered this industry willingly and with open eyes. Contrary to a lot of public perception, a great deal of us ladies have a good education and equally sound career potential. We have opted for this path because it allows us to work the hours and days we want as independent business women who provide a much needed service!