The Pink List - good for Radio 4 farties

The Independent on Sunday's Pink List – naming the most influential moving-shaking cock-cockers and cunt-cunters of our island races – lists Duncan Fallowell at No 82 of 100, a woefully low position in my view. At No 1 the farts of the paper have placed Evan Davis – or “crystal tits” as he is known at The Green Carnation, etc – only because they listen to Radio 4’s Today on which he is one of the anchors.

Yet in what way is he more influential than, say, Elton John (at No 6)? Davis' broadcasting role is more functional than people realise, he just follows the news agenda and asks subjects a few questions before handing over to the weather forecaster. And in what way is Tyler Brûlé at 62 influential? – I would wager that no more than 10 people a week complete one of his impenetrably boring pieces on international culture or travel – he simply is crippled by an inability to engage his readers in his craze to board a plane and fart out his carbon all over our lovely green theme parks prior to name-checking the latest gleaming shopping mall in Nova Scotia. If he has influence of a sort it’s in the expansion of prose dullism – but then this sect has many avatars.

The list in general betrays the self-perceived class of its hacks. Why would novelist Charlotte Mandelson be at 44? Talented as an award-winning writer as she is, she’s not known beyond the micro-orbit of the London literary party circuit, and not for want of trying. Rabbi Lionel Blue at 26? – oh yes, another Radio 4 burbler. Sandi Toksvig at 14 – more Radio 4. Johann Hari at 39 – well, he works for the Indy. Otherwise - brutal truth time - unknown outside journalism!

If you want someone infuential think Paul O’Grady (at 77) who draws more audience than Davis. Or Peter Tatchell (at 33). Fallowell is far more influential because of the range of his work: his New Zealand travel book sold internationally and was reviewed very widely. That’s influence.

The most influential queers however are not on the Pink List – that’s another list altogether.

The Pink List

Elton John and David Furnish: A marriage of three +

Elton John: Me, Myself And I is broadcast on UK terrestrial ITV1 on Saturday 22 September - the press release promises that he "will be dropped right back into the middle of influential moments in his life, enabling him to interact with his younger self, relive his most memorable times, and fulfil some of his long held but never realised ambitions," thanks to computer graphics and other nerdy innovations.

The transcript I've seen doesn't break any significant new ground though one can never have enough of Sir Elt: he has co-opted a Hollywood-style glamour while tatty Tinseltown itself has disappeared up Lindsay Lohan's flaring nostrils. Any excuse will do to see him on the box. I only wish he might have elaborated on the dynamics of his civil union with David Furnish. Contrary to presentation, theirs is a continent open relationship and it's a measure of their bond that the relationship is strengthened as a result. So many cock-cocking marriages expire sexually in the early days and must adapt to a non-threatening dramatis personae of passing pick-up twinks and sauna cocksuckers. We have much to learn from such arrangements.