Zac Efron - REALLY NAKED REALLY REALLY NAKED

Is this picture a fake? Click here to find out.

You thought Daniel Radcliffe was the hottest of the male hotties of the Naughties? That may have been true five minutes ago. But now Zac Efron - of High School Musical and Hairspray fame - is the hunk du jour, a status confirmed improbably by September's Rolling Stone which bunged him up on the cover just to boost sales. Meanwhile, Perez Hilton thinks he must be gay because he's got a girly face. Madame Arcati shall of course find a naked photo of Zac eventually (and she she did!! My thanks to Anon) - nothing is beyond her capability as you all know ... [see Daniel Radcliffe]. To Arcati he is a 14-year-old head grafted onto a man's body-built body (actually, he's nearly 20; a Libran) and I'm sure that contrast evokes a troubling conflict of emotion in all sorts of different people. Google reports that "Zac Efron naked" is one of their top search lines ... I can't imagine then what Zac is doing here.

Artist to put his cock in goat in protest over something

Contrary to legend Madame Arcati does not support every notice-me protest by Mark McGowan - his recent tipping of waste in the Thames lacked wit - but I like the idea of him cock-bumming or -cunting a goat for some political reason. I am starting to suspect that McGowan is all talk: if he does not have penetrative consensual sex with the goat I will no longer support him. I will expect photographs and perhaps an internal shot too. Goodness, at this rate Arcati will make Ian Dale's top political blogs this time next year ...

In an extraordinary art event, artist Mark McGowan is to attempt to penetrate a goat in the city of Tbilisi, Georgia. The performance is called DEEP INSIDE RUSSIA PART 2, and is intended to be a protest against Vladimir Putin and his policies concerning ex-Russian satellite countries. Obviously it must be consensual and I am looking to spend one whole week with the goat and become its lover. It's all part of the Caususus Biennale and they have provided me and the goat with a large tent. I am representing Britain.

The performance starts this Wednesday 3rd October 2007 and runs until 10th October 2007. http://markmcgowan.org/. Goat lovers can call Mark on: 07828524056.

Eric Roberts - Julia, call girls and Batman

I bump into my good friend and Julia Roberts’ brother actor Eric Roberts, currently in London essaying villainy in the next Batman movie.

“Visited any call girls, darling?” I ask. “They’re very fashionable right now what with Billie Piper stretching her snatch as the Belle de Jour tart on TV.”

“Nah – but everyone needs sex, y’know. They should legalise prostitution – it would make it more affordable.”

“I soooooooo agree,” I say. “The state loses a fortune in unpaid National Insurance, too.”

“Y’know I run a call girl service – nah, just kiddin’!”

I giggle. “How’s Julia? She played a very nice call girl in Pretty Woman.”

“She played a prostitute who never put out - amazing. Man, that movie should have been a sitcom.”

“Oh Eric, you’re incorrigible – she’ll be so cross to read that.”

“I’m over-paid, over-respected and I’m over here, that’s all I know.”

"You're playing the villain in Batman then."

"I love playing villains - you get the best cars, the best clothes, the best women - and then you get to die."

Derek Acorah Holidays! Robbie Williams Approved!

The twat-lipped clairvoyant medium Derek Acorah – sacked even from Living’s ludicrous Most Haunted for charlatanism - has thought up another wheeze to make money from the living and the dead.

Now you can buy yourself “a spa break with Derek Acorah” for a “Spirits in the Sun” holiday. “Britain’s best known celebrity medium Derek Acorah will be appearing amidst a whole weekend of paranormal experts, at a renowned 4 star Spa hotel complex on the Costa Del Sol, Andalucia, Spain, [in November]” runs the brochure, click here for more. Well, the ear-studded fraud has to top up his leathery hide tan, I guess, to match the gold highlights in his gelled barnet (love to see the state of his pillows). Very cheekily and disingenuously, he boasts “conducting consultations” with various showbiz stars such as the likes of Robbie Williams. Oooh dear, that’s not wise …

Back in October 2005, The Times ran a fantastic interview with the Robster by Caitlin Moran. He told how he’d been so impressed by Acorah (presumably on Most Haunted) that he summoned him to his Chelsea Harbour penthouse for a psychic sitting. “However, when pressed by Williams to 'go on and do it' — contact the dead — Acorah came up with little more than what a search would yield on Williams’s dead relatives, albeit rendered in a blaze of peerlessly camp Scouse dramatics."

Robbie wisely ushered the psychic hustler out the door, but you can’t keep a professional con down for long. Soon Acorah was on the phone to Robbie trying to inveigle him into doing a Living TV show oblivious of the fact that Robbie has only to fart and ABC would be on the line. Then Acorah invited Robbie to a dinner with him and his pal ... Uri Geller – that too was met with a polite non-attendance. The piece continues:

“I thought, I’m not talking to you, you ****ing idiot. You’re outside the circle of trust. Next thing I know,” Williams says, rattling his belt buckle with his knuckles in a surge of nervous energy, “he’s promoting a DVD in a double-page spread in the Daily Mirror, going “Yeah, I got (contacted on ‘the other side’) Robbie’s nan. And when Robbie’s in America, his friends watch my DVD. Robert de Niro, Robin Williams, Dustin Hoffman.”

Robbie does a face of scandalised boggling.

“I’VE NEVER MET THEM!” he shouts, slowly, as if communicating with a deaf idiot on the other side of the Thames. “I DON’T KNOW DUSTIN HOFFMAN! And hang on a minute — YOU’RE ALSO SELLING A DVD USING MY DEAD NAN!" Robbie sighs.

Do read the whole of the interview, one of the best celebrity media encounters I have ever read. Click here

Molly Parkin's surfer lover Laban: The interview

Photography: Tommy Candler. Click here to her website. Painting by Molly Parkin depicting her sexual encounter with laban

Some time back (see labels) legendary writer, style editor, poet and painter Molly Parkin told Madame Arcati of her sexual encounter with a 23-year-old surfer in Las Vegas. Arcati has now made contact with her mystery lover - called "Laban". He agreed to an email interview ...

Laban! Thank you for agreeing to this interview - now, Arcati is a pretty frank site so if there are any questions you don't like just ignore them, answer as you wish. Who are you, tell us something about yourself - your job, where you're living that sort of thing - you must be about 25 now? and describe yourself physically ...

Well, approx 5'10 and 80 kilos, I try to keep pretty fit, what with all my extra- curricular activities surfing, helping the homeless, reducing my carbon footprint etc. Work wise, destined to be an entertainer!

And your starsign?

Cancerian, in case you couldn't tell.

Tell us how you met Molly

Pretty much the way Molly described it. I happened to be in Las Vegas for work at the time, got separated from my companions, saw her smartly attired friend (Martin) and thought I would say hi. Looked like an interesting bunch to me....and they were.

Now Molly is beautiful but she was 73 and you 23 when you encountered - what was it about her that caused you to, er, tumesce?

Such sexuality oozed forth from Molly that the divide of 50 years vanished as fast as my inhibitions.

Did you know that Molly was a famous writer?

No, not at the time. I only found out through conversations over breakfast with both Molly's confidants. It was quite exciting finding out that Molly had been on one of my favorite shows, Parkinson.

In her poem Molly says you proposed sex on the spot. Was this the case?

Just about. I used a secret line that never fails, I'll be taking that one to my grave (oh and by the way, far better than the one Michael Douglas used on Catherine Zeta-Jones).

Where did the sexual act occur? Was it within earshot of any place? You didn't wear a condom, did you, naughty man .... what about your clothes ....?

As Molly described, the men's bathroom. It was our only place of sanctuary in a very spur of the moment decision. Regarding surroundings, there was the odd intrepid cleaner (I believe it was quite early in the morn) but nothing that was going to stop us! Regarding the clothes, my pants sank faster than the titanic and Molly's silk undergarments went up like greased lightening, there were thrills, spills and ......

This is a delicate question, but would you say that making love with an older woman is different in any respect from that with a young woman. Feel free to elaborate in extremis ....

You know that scene in Enemy At The Gates with Jude law & Rachel Weisz. Kinda like that.... but with slot machines.

Afterwards, what happened? Did you talk much? Exchange numbers? Promise to see each other again?

Well I promised I would visit if ever in the area. However so far I haven't made it that far north of the equator.

Are you with someone now?

Not presently. I have been enjoying my singledom!

You still a surfer?

Have been playing rugby more recently. Keeping my creamy sport playing legs in shape!

Would you describe yourself as quite sexually forward and experienced?

Well I've been told on a few occasions that I'm pretty out there sexually. Truth is, if you look on the Internet for some of that crazy other shit people get up to, I reckon you would find me looking like a Nun. However, I would hate to discover something completely brilliant right before I die, so I figure how many times do you live!

Tell us more what your mates think of you and Molly?

Ha, the boys didn't believe me until they discovered some of the articles online. I think they thought I'd completely lost it, they know what I'm like. It was pretty out there and they had plenty of questions. They love the painting Molly commissioned. They have been hounding me to ask Molly to send it over and mount it in the lounge room.

Would you like to see Molly again?

Would love too.

Finally, send us a pic, go on ....

Ah yes, the picture....I'm sure your highly intelligent and articulate readers have envisaged many different ideas of what I may look like, so for the mean time....I'll keep them all guessing....but for how long!

Sincerely

Laban

Rupert Murdoch finds his writerly Riefenstahl

A few weeks ago I joked that Michael Wolff's recent Vanity Fair piece on Rupert Murdoch read like a job application. How psychic of me! Now I learn, belatedly it must be said, that Wolff has landed a great gig - writing Murdoch's biography for about £750k. Rupes will have crumpled his creped mug into what some might call a wry smile at Wolff's little piece of adjectivally-enhanced hagiography - or penetrative arse-licking to give it its proper term. No wonder our age's leading Islamophobe is happy to cooperate in the birth of a semi-authorised apologia. Wolff has a child in the employ of Rupes by the way - a useful hostage on the perilous march to 2009 publication.

Earlier Wolff piece click here

Kate Middleton - and the Geordie Greig connection

Is there no end to the talents of the "Napoleonic" Tatler editor Geordie Greig? Not just a celebrity schmoozer par excellence - Britain's "best connected man", according to an Observer profile in 2005 - and a glittery satellite to sooooooooooo many major literary kings and queens, he is also, I discover, the unpaid PR adviser and agony uncle to Kate Middleton, no less.

In the last year or so, Greig has stretched his editorial condom into her media relations and guided many of Kate's public and private moves - why, he even advised her on how to play the game when Prince William dumped her and reel him in back to her bosom. I don't have a transcript but, post-the dump, Greig certainly did not discourage darling Kate from getting herself seen in various upmarket nightclubs or exhibiting her dazzling smile for the paps. The calculation, inter alia, was that the future heir to the throne might wonder what he was missing as (1) his then much- maligned ex-girlfriend failed to be seen boo-hooing into her premature "Wills & Kate" commemorative tea mug, as (2) various snobbish "sources" disgracefully rubbished her mother and family gene pool.

Greig is indeed a canny editor though I would seek to dissuade anyone from any cynical or reductive analysis of motive.

Murdochs on Facebook - hardly gossip, darling

Another sweety-pops friend of the Cult of Arcati writes to point out a little tardiness in the Observer's gossip column apropos Facebook and the presence of a nest of MySpace-owning Murdochs thereon ...

Greetings, Madame!

I hope this finds you well.

Just a small thing, but irritating... The Observer's Pendennis, Oliver Marre, is incredibly pleased with himself today, since he is 'able to reveal' that Rupert Murdoch's daughter, Elizabeth, 'is the latest member of the family to have signed up to the Facebook online networking website.' This comes on the back of his previous 'revelation', not long ago, that Lachlan and Sarah Murdoch had joined Facebook, despite Lachlan's pater having shelled out tens of millions to buy up Myspace.

Dear Oli really is slow off the mark. My own casual Facebook trawlings back in June - via the basic search function that absolutely anybody can use - showed that all three of the afore-mentioned Murdochs were active members back then; I was surprised that the amusing Facebook/Myspace conflict of familial interest hadn't already been picked up. Matthew Freud's full Facebook profile is publicly viewable, and his news feed shows that his lovely wife sent him a lipstick kiss on June 26, with the message 'From me to you. xxxx' So much for her having just joined, and so much for Marre's electrifying research skills.

Oh, and he doesn't even spell her name correctly. As Ms Minnelli might have put it: it's Elisabeth - with an 's', not a 'z'.

Very best

Sir ...[initial withheld]

PS: A noticeable lack of heartwarming family anecdotes, and mentions of 'the Husband' (previously a regular cast member), in Allison Pearson's columns of late. Absolutely zilch, actually. Wonder why?

Dear Sir ....

Thank you for these observations. Allison is a devoted reader of Arcati and has wisely adapted to public knowledge of her domestic arrangements. I am still awaiting an invitation to her wedding; a Christian one it is to be hoped ...

Best wishes MA x

Charles Lambert ... on murdered friends ...

The writer Charles Lambert writes from Italy in response to my Robert Tewdwr Moss postings ...

It's small comfort, I know, but at least the murderers were arrested and convicted. A dear friend of mine - an American writer called Lou Inturrisi - was killed in a similar fashion some years ago in Rome and the murderer was never identified, although it's believed that he fled to Spain. The murderers of two other people I knew were arrested but played the 'he tried it on' card and saw their sentences reduced.

See Charles' site click here

Duncan Fallowell - back at The First Post!

Duncan Fallowell is back writing for The First Post - do read his marvellous piece on The Sound of Music which is reissued next week. Click here. My campaign of horror worked; who can resist the mystical power of Madame Arcati?

Roger Alton and trouble at t'Observer

A poppet insider relates the following ...

Your Gorgeousness

Keep an eye on the Observer over the next weeks. The rumour in the week that editor Roger Alton had got the push/resigned not entirely without foundation as there is now a huge wedge between the Guardian and The Observer. (And this in the week when there was an awayday for senior execs to discuss greater integration.)

This is the result of news ed Kamal Ahmed getting to keep his job - the result of an investigation into the embarrassment over the MMR splash that wasn't a story of two months ago (Catch up here, on the very good bad science website, http://www.badscience.net/index.php?s=observer). The Scott Trust got involved, editor Roger Alton had to go to before them and receive six of the best like a naughty schoolboy.

Alton, in turn, is annoyed because, despite a sustained pisspoor news performance, Alton has done his best to support ailing news ed Ahmed who was seen crying in the editor's office last week.. Not for long, if the experienced hands in the newsroom get their way - Alton has now realised that a news ed who behaves all the time like a pre-teen who's drunk too much fizzy pop is perhaps not a good idea. And some of the older reporters don't want to work for him. Watch this space...

Suzanne Moore writes ...

Darling Suzanne Moore - of fuck-me shoes fame (copyright G Greer) - writes a short note following my New Statesman party report ...

Madame you flatter me. Not six inches - barely three! Strange do though....I didn't meet the only person I wanted to meet.
Suzanne X