Saturday, November 10, 2012

Iain Finlayson interview: Blood Month and his circumcision e-rumour


Iain Finlayson
Yes, I predicted the outcome of the US Election just when you thought Romney owed it all to his magic underpants. On your knees! Call me the Nate Silver of astrology. Thinking of which, I have come across a double-Gemini prose prince called Iain Finlayson. He's one half of a new author called Matthew McAllister. The other half is called Simon Burt. Very Gemini isn't it? Twins, multiple identities. Oh, please yourself. Cunts.

Anyway, Matthew McAllister has just debuted as author of brilliant 'low urban noir' crime thriller Blood Month. First in a planned trilogy. I don't know about Simon, but whatever possessed Iain - otherwise a blameless Times non-fiction reviewer and the books editor of Saga, as well as writer of several acclaimed books - to embrace pulp fiction? And to self-publish through Atrium Editions? Electronically (e-ally?)? Especially after his very famous agent, 'She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named', refused to read the novel.

With critical praise for Blood Month already ringing in Iain's ears - the right kind of tinnitus - Madame Arcati pinned him down. And kicked off about his cock, before he called himself a dick and discussed porn, among other literary matters.

Q: Iain Finlayson! Pleeeeased to meet you, as awesome Grace Jones sings in a song. I see you have a novel out shortly called Blood Month – which reminds me: I hear you’re circumcised. You poor poppet.  Was it painful? Don’t you feel robbed?

IF: There was blood, some mess, probably a struggle, certainly some yelling. I was snatched from my mother’s arms promptly after parturition and unceremoniously cut. Tidied up. It made a man of me there and then. At least at a Bar Mitzvah you get a party, gifts, and a rite of passage. Scottish Presbyterians are less inclined to dress up and make a fuss about their butchery. There are themes in the Protestant cult of hygienic circumcision, I see now, that have profoundly influenced the novel, Blood Month.You are very acute, Madame.

Q: And I see an outfit called Atrium Editions is bringing out Blood Month as an e-book for our Kindles. Did your agent set up this deal? – you are, after all, the acclaimed author of biographies of James Boswell, Robert Browning and a grouping of sundry others in Romney Marsh; and you know a lot about Tangier and Denim, it appears… surely you discussed this book over a long lunch with your agent, She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named ….

IF: There was a lunch. It was long. It was fraught. My agent, the doyenne of agents, the ne plus ultra of agents, She-Whom-I-Would-Prefer-Not-To-Name (here, at least), was invited to attend. For several months she had been ‘resisting’ (her word) reading Blood Month, a novel of crime. She was probably, understandably but exasperatingly, resisting my capricious whim to write fiction.

At this point, let me introduce my co-author and collaborator in crime, Simon Burt, who was also with us at The Electric Cinema Café in Portobello Road. Together, Simon and I are one. We are as one, I mean, in the being of Matthew McAllister, who is the author of Blood MonthSimon can answer for himself (as of course can my agent), since this recollection of the lunch is my own version. I take some of the blame: while trying to persuade my agent to read and represent Blood Month, I used the words ‘genre’, ‘product’ and ‘collaboration’.

These, in the ears of a literary agent of great renown, sound neither pretty nor positive. Nobody should (or can, I discover: even hacks can only do their best) sit down deliberately to write pulp fiction. That was not Matthew McAllister’s intention. His aim was to write as good a crime novel as possible, with any luck have some fun in the process, and with a little further luck make a decent financial return from the effort. After a futile while, we started talking about dogs, and high-end, aristocratic dog mating, which went on for longer than any high-flown or down-‘n’-dirty talk about books; and at the finish, Matthew McAllister paid the bill for lunch.

That came as a little surprise, perhaps, but basically he had fucked himself right from the start with three words that are as bad in publishing terms as uttering expletives in front of the Queen. A long while after the derailment at the Electric, I came across my agent at a lunchtime publishing launch and said to the friend I was with, “She has at least two reasons for not reading my novel.”“Only two?” she said with a smile.  And I laughed, because by then I’d given up giving a good goddam whether she, or anybody else at the agency, could be the hell bothered to read the manuscript. Simon and I had already decided to take Matthew McAllister on his first trip down the digital highway.

Q: Sorry, but I’m still thinking of Tangier. Isn’t that where Joe Orton fucked under-age boys; and other gay exotics of yesteryear swanked in lawless debauchery?

IF: Ah, forgive me, Madame, one’s mind does tend to wander. Mine too. I perfectly understand. Tangier: City of the Dream is a lovely book, my favourite in my back list. A minor cult, I’m told. I didn’t know I was a cult. A dick now and again, yes, but not a cult. But there you are. Or rather, there was I. What can I tell you?’Tangier’ has been out of print for years, but it will be republished next year because I’m told that the city is enjoying something of a revival. I wonder who will be the new monsters living there? The old ones were shocking enough. I never went back after living there for a while, partly because I was a little more indiscreet in the hardback edition than I’d meant to be and I was ticked off by Hugo Vickers for quoting too indiscriminately from the manuscript diaries of Cecil Beaton who first visited Tangier with his great friend David Herbert. Offence, I dare say, was caused – albeit inadvertently.

In the post-war years, David was the King of the Mountain in Tangier. Well, not literally - there was a real King of Morocco - but for all visiting American and European expats, David was the social arbiter of the city. Fortunately, he and I got along, and I was invited to parties, otherwise there would have been no book. You can read all about it in the new edition. Here they come again: Bowles (Paul and Jane), Burroughs, Beaton, La Hutton, Capote, Ginsberg, Kerouac, Orton and a whole regiment of transgressive, tatterdemalion camp followers who fitted socially and sexually nowhere else. I’ve characterised Tangier as a casualty ward of desire or despair. Maybe both. It was fun for a while, but I caught it at the (forgive me) fag-end of its heyday.   

Q: But anyway. I am astonished! You mean to say, an acclaimed author such as yourself, with a confirmed literary pedigree, who is the books editor of bestselling Saga magazine and a regular non-fiction reviewer on the Saturday Times, has had to resort to self-publishing? Still you’re not alone….

IF: Sweet of you to evince such astonishment, but let’s not get too high-flown here, Madame. Reputation is a puffball. It is a hard-on. It can be blown. Publishing has very abruptly and unexpectedly been stood on its head and it is still disoriented. About time too. The blood is rushing from its head to its balls. It had forgotten it had those and it needs to start playing with them again.

Traditional publishing is still prestigious and sought-after, of course. The hardback book will not die, but publishers and bookshops are on the critical list. There are many authors out there who find it difficult to place a book – let’s say a volume of short stories or a novel that is a departure from what is expected of them. I can think of half a dozen, just among my own friends, who are preparing, by reasoned choice (and sometimes even on the advice of agents), to bypass the traditional publishing process and go straight to digital.

These are writers with a serious track record of publication, a reputation for quality, and a living to earn. Either they go straight to Kindle (and Nook, Kobo, Sony or any other platform) or they invite subscriptions for a book on the Unbound website and deliver bound copies to the list of subscribers. Now, that is a modern version of a previous publishing practice. So, as well as new mediums for publishing, some ancient and venerable modes are being revived.

Best of all, if your book goes viral, like ‘50 Shades of Goo’, publishers come banging on your door to publish it in hard copy, whereas you might have spent years pounding on theirs and becoming more and more dispirited and demoralised. Depressed, even.

Q: Isn’t it sexy to be master of your own publication process and not have to deal with Oxbridge 20-somethings wearing Alice bands who know fuck-all about anything? – perhaps you’ll e-publish other authors in time and beat orthodox corporate publishers at their own game.

IF: Soooo sexy! Matthew McAllister is very hard-on about the adventure! He has seen the future and it is e. This is so different from vanity publishing, which was always looked upon de haut en bas, regarded as second best, and a personal indulgence. Digital publishing is a medium, merely. A book is a book is a book, no matter whether it exists electronically or as 350 grams of paper and ink clapped between hard covers. And it is democratic – anyone can put up a book, diary, essay, article on a digital platform. It may only be of interest to a few friends or colleagues, but that’s not the point. It is out there and can be instantly accessed at very little cost. You don’t have to order 500 or 5000 hard copies from a vanity publisher and stack them in your garage. No overheads.

Atrium Editions (see above) will first publish Matthew McAllister. It will also, in due course, publish the back list of Iain Finlayson and Simon Burt. It will then publish the work of friends and associates, accomplished writers, if they choose to come under the umbrella of Atrium Editions which will operate pretty much as a publishing company but without all the trappings of pusillanimous power and vaunting vainglory.

Q: Now, Blood Month. It’s a commercial fiction in the detective genre, set in London, with much red stuff redecorating precincts, and humour of noir hue for colour contrast. Its opening line intrigues: ‘So, in the end, Caroline Muirhead said, it wasn’t you who died.’ Raymond Chandler meets Martin Amis most foul?

IF: Simon Burt and I have read literary fiction with the same attention we’ve given to hard-boiled and soft-poached crime fiction, and that seemed to be the trouble with Blood MonthIt was well, even enthusiastically, received by several high-end publishers as a classy piece of work that extended the boundaries of the conventional crime novel. They then turned it down on the ground that it “crossed genres” and so, I suppose, could not easily be niche-marketed either as genre fiction or as a literary novel. I still don’t understand this. No wonder publishing is in trouble if it recognises quality fiction when it sees it, but doesn’t know how to sell it. So, obviously, I have to do it myself. Yes, Blood Month is dirty writing. But stylish. It is noir, it is bleakly funny, it is morally ambiguous, it has characters who go from bad to worse, and closure solves nothing. Indeed, it opens up the plots of the second novel and the third.  

Q: Blood Month is pacy, more-ish, terse, tense and immediate, not ‘literary’ – yet you’re thought of as a literary writer. Did you harbour closeted, faintly kinky commercial longings for decades? A need to be read for visceral, moist reasons? Or did the mood come upon you recently? In other words, are you now a money-grubbing words-tart?

IF: Langue de vipère! How cruel, how pejorative you make such words sound! When A. S. Byatt won The Booker Prize and declared that the money would come in handy to build a swimming pool, there was a gnashing of teeth in outermost literary circles where a plastic bird bath, far less a duck pond, in the back garden would be a luxury. I don’t grudge anyone prizes – I have won some small ones myself, but they went to pay bills. I take your meaning, though.

Truth to tell, Simon Burt and I were broke and bored. His career as a literary novelist (Floral Street, The Summer of the White Peacock, Just Like Eddie, published by Faber) had stalled. I didn’t want to write another literary biography. Both of us wanted to do something different, have some fun with writing and, with any luck, make some money.  Certainly, we wished to be read. Sold at airports! So, I said, “Let’s write a crime novel. How hard can it be?” All I want to say now, is that it is just as difficult as writing any other novel. We plotted the novels together, whereupon Simon wrote a fast first draft. I edited the text and the tropes rigorously. We discussed again. There were rewrites. And what emerged from the collaborative process was the voice and style of Matthew McAllister which is neither purely mine nor purely Simon’s.

The process was entered into with reason and was concluded in rapture! Not cynically, as a money machine. Whether it will pay off - chissa? The thing is done. It will take its chances out there with the punters and the competition.

Q: Did you research e-publishing before setting up Atrium? I mean, how many books get sold by e-self-publishing? Will people of the future laugh when told that once upon a time writers posted off their manuscript to a Snipcock in an office who, if inclined, got round to publishing it 18 months later?

IF: I researched quite intensively. I went every day to the London Book Fair earlier this year and I talked face-to-face with the big guys of Kindle and Kobo. I talked to Kerry Wilkinson, the poster boy of e-publishing, a young BBC sports journalist, who has now written three novels, all straight-to-Kindle, all mega-sellers, who is now deservedly rich, charmingly funny and sweetly modest. I learned a lot just from talking. But I’d already primed myself by reading articles about the sudden publishing panic in The Bookseller every week, browsing self-publishing websites, even reading - ironic, this - hard copy books about the e-revolution. The hardback book will survive better than the paperback - which has come as a surprise to publishers, who expected quite the opposite. E-book sales now outstrip paperback sales, and of course e-books can be more competitively priced (though publishers still like to try to match the price of an e-book to the hard copy on sale in bookshops.)

And yes, you’re right - the elderly tweedy (and even the young trendy) Snipcocks of publishing are busted. They need new business models that haven’t yet been fully developed. They sound positive, optimistic even, but they know it’s over. Conversely, this is the beginning of new opportunities for authors. What is a free-floating author to do? First find an agent, which can take as long as finding a publisher. And once he/she does, he may be lucky and find a brilliant editor. But chances are, he/she won’t. The process of publishing takes, say, nine months from final manuscript to finished copy. The shelf life of that finished copy, if it is a novel, is six months maximum. Then it goes to paperback after about a year. Even readers, far less authors, can become mad with impatience at this leisurely pace. Who can be the fuck bothered in this age of the short attention span and immediate gratification?

So – cut through all of this: Kindle or Kobo, any or all of them, whichever you choose – and you are free to be promiscuous - will immediately digitise your text at no initial cost, stick whatever artwork you provide on it as a cover, and put it up for sale on the appropriate website at whatever price you think is right. And then it is all up to you in terms of marketing strategies. It’s your book, baby. Hope it has a nice life...      

Q: I see you’re a double-Gemini Gemini – do you follow astrology? Have you had any mystical or spiritual experience? Or are you a child of the 21st Century, scoffing cashews as the BBC’s resident atheist Prof Brian Cox remakes the Cosmos as godless Lego?

IF: I know Gemini is represented by the image of twins. If I’m a double Gemini, does that mean there are four of me? Feels like it sometimes. The ontological philosophies, from Anselm to Bertrand Russell (who had an epiphany in Boots the Chemist) via Descartes, that seek to confirm the existence of God don’t do it for me. I have not made that leap of faith.  I don’t really follow astrology. I am an 18th century Scottish (and French) rationalist, an adherent of the great Frog philosopher Voltaire and the Scottish deist, David Hume. But an astrological reading was made for me many years ago, in 1977. It went on for many single-spaced pages. Of course, it was mostly exciting as an exercise in narcissism. One can never hear too much about oneself or be paid close-enough attention. One does like to be special.

The  chart seemed fair enough, accurate enough, though the word ’eccentric’ cropped up rather more than I was comfortable with, and towards the end, when the influence of the furthest planets from the sun were being invoked, I was warned to look out for symptoms of mental instability in later life. That rather worried me at the time, but either they haven’t kicked in yet or I’m happily unaware of them.

Q: Would you ever write a porn novel? I suppose the challenge would be to take the genre in a new direction, now that porn vids are freely viewable all over the internet. I always switch off at the first b-j.

IF: No. Absolutely not. Nobody ever gets sex scenes right in a novel. Best for a writer to pass over them in silence. Close the bedroom door at the first sign of sexual arousal. Quite the opposite, of course, applies to porno vids which are like novels in one respect: once you’ve read a novel, you rarely go back to it. Porno palls quite quickly too, except for turn-on moments you bookmark mentally and replay to get your rocks off. The next big thing should be the interactive novel, a story that the author constantly rewrites at the demands and desires of the readership.

Porno is doing this now. Go to the brilliant Cam4 website, where people of all ages, sizes, sexes and sexual practices from beautiful to beast, vanilla to rocky road - amateurs all - with pleasure, for pay,often just for the hell of it, take their clothes off and perform for subscribers. You can bookmark your favourites, and so you can choose to watch your preferred performers when they show up on line. But their shows will always be subtly or even drastically different. They learn what works, and they respond to the exhortations, the behest, of their admirers and critics. They give the punters what they want. If they opt to show off for tips, like go-go bar boys and girls, they go with what the audience thinks they are worth and chooses to tip. They seem to be the authors of their own acts and bodies: but counter-intuitively, they are absolutely in control of themselves.

The death of the book you’re worried about? The death of the author - the auteur - more like it. But I don’t mind that.  Art in any medium is becoming interactive. Popular novels, like blockbuster films, are now being rewritten, re-edited, after being shown at sneak previews to focus groups who give market reactions. Classic children’s stories, too, are being doctored to tone down anachronistic racist, sexist and other attitudes. And what are we to make of Madame Bovary or Anna Karenina as role models for young, modern women? The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo kicks back for them, gets revenge. What, indeed, to make of a play (and film) like ‘The Boys in the Band’ as characteristic of gay life? We make a secular saint of Armistead Maupin instead, and honour Michael Mouse as a post-modern, liberated sexual hero.

Q: You’re a leading UK books reviewer – give us a glimpse of a day in the life of. Do publishers try to bribe you for positive critiques? Has any author you’ve slagged off threatened you with circumcision?

IF: None of the above. I am sea-green incorruptible. I lead a blameless literary life. Just as William Burroughs declared “there is no such thing as a bad boy”, so there is no such thing as a bad book. I will spare you a lengthy defence of that statement. Another time, another place - or perhaps, if you run fast enough, never. Just don’t ask me to take a look at your unpublished manuscript. I am very severe.

Q: Complete this sentence. ‘The Man Booker Prize is…’

IF:... not as much fun as Strictly Come Dancing. But there is more bitching and blood on the carpet.

Q: And finally, After Blood Month, what’s next in your literary and publishing career?

IF: Blood Month is the first novel of a projected trilogy. They will all be stand-alone novels, but they can properly be read in sequence. The second novel, The Benevolence of the Butcher, is currently in a late stage of progress. It’s being written, I mean. The third, No Gohas been plotted in outline and, as a skeleton, awaits its fleshy dressing. Matthew McAllister is pretty confident that he knows what happens next, but he can’t wait to find out what actually happens next because the characters in the novel are more surprising than he knows. That’s the fun of it. Otherwise there would be no point.

It’s good. We go on as we go on. Like Mehitabel the cat, whose raggedy arse has seen better days, our mantra is “jamais triste, archie, toujours gai!”

Q: Iain Finlayson! Thank you so much. Good luck with Blood Month, which I heartily recommend. 

The Atrium Editions website (extract - and read Matthew McAllister's inventive bio): click here

To buy a Kindle edition of Blood Month at £1.92 click here

Sunday, November 04, 2012

US Election 2012 Tarot special: cards favour Obama

Adrian Perkins' five card Tarot spread on US Election 2012
Thank you for taking such a keen interest in my last posting - my astrology forecast for the US Election 2012: to read click here. Now, Tarot reader Adrian Perkins of Hampshire, co-partner in the Tarot and healing company Holistica, has kindly shared his own forecast for the US presidential race (see his five card spread above). He writes:

'See attached pic I took this morning of my five card spread for the US election this week . Notice the 2 of Swords represents the electorate - which appears to be indecisive between two candidates - between the King Of Pentacles, a wealthy materialistic businessman , turns most business ventures into gold (Romney) and The Hermit , a more introspective person who goes within more who seeks guidance and is also afraid of letting a secret / secrets or even his true self out of the bag (Obama).

'Notice the Strength shows the power to tame the electorate through compassion and talk. It is Leo (Obama). Notice too that it is numbered 8 (August birthday) The confirmation card - 8 (again an 8) of wands is a fire element - just like Leo being a fire sign. In this card I do see the ladder of success but the spaces in between may suggest this candidate has peaks and troughs like so many others.

'In the last very days of the campaign this card reminds Obama not to let his guard down , to be opportunist and not let victory slip away. I saw no sign of Pisces or water element (Romney) in this spread.' 

Holistica offers Reiki healing, Tarot readings and other services. Click here

Friday, November 02, 2012

US Election astrology special: Obama forecast to be re-elected

(My new astrology website - http://victorolliver.com/)

Elections, astrologically, are a nightmare challenge to call and the imminent US Election is particularly complex (actually, not just astrologically). The wise stargazers sit on the fence - the Mail's Jonathan Cainer has declared that the result will be unambiguous - but declines to say which candidate will win. Marjorie Orr (though seeming to back Romney) announces that election forecasting is too tricky. 

Both are probably right - to watch their backs. I, however, put caution to the wind.

Barack Obama is a Leo, born August 4, 1961, 7.24pm, in Honolulu. Mitt Romney is a Pisces, born March 12, 1947, 9.51am, in Detroit, Michigan.

Having examined the birth charts of Obama and Romney, and the transits for election day November 6, 2012, and for Inauguration Day January 20, 2013, I have reached the conclusion that Obama will be re-elected. Those who prefer Romney may take comfort that both charts are pretty dire and that there's little to indicate a decisive victory, astrologically. I have based my forecast decision on just a handful of aspects as clinchers.

Non-astrologers may have already read enough. Those interested in astrology may want to read on....

For election day itself, the transits of both men's charts lack an obvious winner. But on November 6, Obama's tr Moon is in Leo conjunct his ruler Sun and Mercury (in the 6th) - a good omen for group efforts and the support of women in particular. Obama's progressions look favourable on this day, with P Mercury sextile North Node, P Venus sextile Venus and P Pluto sextile Neptune, among others. 

There are plenty of negative aspects to spoil the day, however; not least Mercury stationing retrograde which at the very least could suggest a slim victory or even controversy over the result. I shouldn't be surprised if there are technical hitches or legal tussles.

Romney's transits for November 6 are especially grim in my view: his ruler tr Neptune, though at the top of his chart, squares his natal ascendant, an ego-denying aspect and not the sort of thing you expect to see in a winning chart. Nor do I like tr Moon conjunct natal Saturn in his 3rd house of communications: a sign of possible depression or isolation. 

I have also looked at the transits for Inauguration Day, January 20, 2013. This perhaps offers a clearer picture. In Obama's chart, tr Sun (conjunct tr Mercury) is conjunct natal Jupiter in the 12th: a sign of optimism, positivity and expansion. This to me is the clincher (famous last words?). But it's not all bad news for Romney on this day. His tr Jupiter is trine Midheaven, a plus indicator for career and status, but an aspect inferior to Obama's Sun-Jupiter conjunction. And Romney's ruler Neptune is still square ascendant.

So, there we have it. Republicans should take heart that a fair number of reputable astrologers think Romney's got it in the bag. You'll have to Google them.  

Friday, October 26, 2012

Hilary Gialerakis: Quartet reissues painter's memoirs - and her joys of Vaseline

The Lotus Eaters by Hilary Gialerakis
Was it really more than four years ago that I wrote about the late modernist artist Hilary Gialerakis (1924-2003) and the oversized penis of her war hero husband Vere Holden-White? How time flies! In 2008 her vivacious daughter Antonia Gialerakis self-published Hilary: An Unquiet Spirit, in which we glimpsed something of the extraordinary life of Hilary through her diary-memoir. 'Vaseline' was mentioned as the solution to Vere's problem. For more, and an insight into art critic Brian Sewell, click here.

Antonia Gialerakis with Quartet Books publisher
Naim Attallah at book launch party.
Photograph by Roger Smith
And I am now delighted to learn that Quartet Books is re-issuing a newly edited version of the book on November 1. Antonia enjoyed a lively working relationship with her strict editor, Gavin James Bower, the model-turned-novelist-cum-publishing thingy. Arcatistes will know all about him - if not, catch up with my first interview with Gavin, titled 'I'm straight but a raving queen...', click here. 

Sadly, I was unable to attend Naim Attallah's launch party for the book at The Gallery Different in London's Percy Street. I remain unpersuaded that Naim and I would ever make bosom buddies, but he has at least the good sense to know quality when he sees it - and I do hope that Antonia's excellent book piques even greater interest in the exquisite paintings of her mother.

 To buy a copy of An Unquiet Spirit:
 The Memoirs and Diaries of the Artist Hilary Gialerakis
(edited and foreword by Antonia Gialerakis), or read selected previews, click here.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Molly Parkin: Erotic novel Love: All re-released - and then there's the movie!

Available at just £1.99
Style icon, artist and poet Molly Parkin has just re-released her huge 70s global bestselling erotic novel Love: All in kindle. Lovely portrait on the cover - she was 37 then and pregnant - 'That gave me a glow,' she tells me. 

The book can be bought for just £1.99 here.

Her publisher Piers Dudgeon (of Pilot Productions) has penned a wonderful foreword and afterword on Moll - and delicately plays down the TLS's excoriating denunciation of Love: All in 1974. 'Utterly lacking in style, wit and intelligence,' wrote some sad, forgotten reviewer before cataloguing the novel's literary sexual offences, which included a half rape by a homosexual and the enlargement of the heroine Myopia's anus by a French restaurateur.

Her then publisher Star was so delighted that the review was used to advertise the work. 'This led to massive sales as the "critique" - or rancid attack as I prefer to call it - just about described the entire plot and sexual shenanigans,' Moll says. 'It was my very first review and the chap (I assume) truly went to town.


'Love: All will soon be made into a film thanks in part to that TLS fuck-wit - if he is reading this, if he and his withered scrotum are still alive, having survived my own literary success, he's a cunt.'

The Love: All movie is now well in development. Robert Chilcott is directing. And Moll reveals that the hunt is on for the perfect unknown to play wantonly ambitious Myopia - 'The nationwide search will be like Selznick's quest for his Scarlett in Gone with the Wind,' adds Moll. 'No blondes or brown eyes need apply!

Former CPS lawyer Clifford Allison
 plays Myopia's father in Love: All
''Myopia must look a bit like me. Love: All will have an improvisational quality - sort of Warhol-meets-Woody Allen-meets Mike Leigh.' 

A contact address for aspiring Myopias will be published shortly.

Biba legend Barbara Hulanicki is designing the costumes; performance artist/sculptor and jewellery-maker Andrew Logan (founder of Alternative Miss World) is attached to the project as is celebrated artist Julie Verhoeven as creative designer. Musical director is the awesome composer and pianist Simon Wallace (whose musical TV credits include Ab Fab, French and Saunders and the Ruby Wax Show; and he collaborated with US lyricist Fran Landesman until her death in 2011). And not forgetting ex-lawyer Clifford Allison, formerly of the Crown Prosecution Service's Special Crime Division (now a nude model) - he will play Myopia's father.

Moll explains: 'Clifford is brilliantly witty and he will appear naked in the film - Myopia fellates her father.' 

And I have some other casting news. I shall be playing aspiring Prime Minister, Charles. Moll advises me: 'Charles likes to fuck Myopia three times in a row after or before partaking of gourmet nuggets from a Fortnum & Mason hamper in bed. So, the astrologer of The Lady magazine will be involved in quite torrid love scenes. 

'It's quite all right if you get an erection, sweetheart. Keira Knightley told me that actors wear a tight body stocking for such eventualities.'

With a soundtrack based around Molly's latest poems and lyrics, Love: All will make for a fascinating addition to film festivals the worldover.

Love: All is available for £1.99 in kindle edition. Click here to buy

Monday, October 08, 2012

Sophie Parkin interview: The Colony, the stars and the sailor's cock

'Driberg also admitted to Christopher Hitchens in the Colony that he loved going into special committees in the House of Commons with semen still sticky at the corners of his mouth'

The late Sebastian Horsley at the door of his local
To order a copy of The Colony Room Club 1948-2008, visit Sophie Parkin's dedicated site, here

In 1948, Muriel Belcher founded the The Colony - the Soho private drinking den that became infamous for stellar misbehaviour over 60 years. In 2012, one of its patrons, Sophie Parkin, releases The Colony Room Club 1948-2008: A History of Bohemian Soho, which charts the secret life of a refuge that drew some of the most celebrated minds, talents and livers of the second half of the 20th Century (and Kate Moss) and tells a great many tales of unreported high jinks and debauchery. Parkin interviewed upwards of 50 surviving former Colony habitués for the book and has dug up a trove of fab photos.

Madame Arcati enjoyed a bout of intercourse with Sophie - those of a tender sensibility may want to pass on this interview...

Q: Sophie Parkin! You’ve written The Colony Room Club 1948-2008 – is anyone alive from that era who remembers anything?

SP: ‘Plenty of both I‘m glad to say,’ as Muriel said to Dan Farson when asking her about her sexual proclivities. Paul Johnson was a great interview as was the fruity and funny Sir Peregrine Worsthorne. Anne Valery (think Tenko) , Irma Kurtz - wonderful about John Hurt and Francis Bacon ('Last night I was stuck between a Ham and a Bacon') - and the definition of a bohemian bar. And once I reminded mother [Molly Parkin], a few indiscretions popped up around Tony Shaffer (playwright), Cedric Price (architect), Ernő Goldfinger and Robert Brownjohn, the designer of the first James Bond credits; oh, and John Bryce the producer of The Avengers in his Aqua car. All very 1960s.

Shove in the whipping guardsman story concerning Victor Spinetti and the Colony couple from Hampstead and it's almost a Joan Littlewood production. Fings Ain't Wot They Used T'be – you’re telling me!

Q: ‘The Colony was a club for lushes and is best off gone. Incidence of liver cirrhosis will decline’. Discuss.

SP: Have you been to other clubs? Some of the ‘new wave' of fashionable clubs are so depressing and unfriendly you drink to forget you are there. They never organise beanos like the 'Come in Chapeau Party' 1968 to raise money for a disabled children’s Christmas party for kiddies with MS. Victor Lowndes kindly supplied the waitresses - Bunny Girls, Annie Ross and George 'wigglebum’ Melly provided the entertainment, poor kids! 

One day Jeffrey Bernard organised a trip to Ascot for the horse fanciers and got an open top double decker to stop outside whereby members got on through the first floor window. Bernard took all the bets and when the races ended mysteriously disappeared. 

The club wasn't just a place for lushes, it was for outsiders whether from the upper classes or the lower, Burroughs/Bacon/Freud or Sir Frederick Ashton, Trevor Howard, LS Lowry, Sir Robert Helpmann and Lady Rose McLaren. It was for the blossoming of great conversation whether with Keith Waterhouse; or Johnny Speight with Kate Moss as a bar maid or Daniel Craig with Joe Strummer on guitar and Todd Matshikiza on piano and Lisa Stansfield on vocals. 

Everyone played there on Sunday nights from The Hours, The Magic Numbers, Badly Drawn Boy to Alabama 3 and The View.
Ian Broad on Hampstead Heath

Q: Who’s the cunt who decided that the Club should be no more. I mean, if I Google ‘The Colony’ there is a website claiming the Colony still exists. Please explain.

SP: I don’t know why someone hasn’t taken that down. I don’t know who built it but Michael Wojas, who paid for it, has been dead for 2 years.

Perhaps it was the landlord Mr Ibrahim after Ian Board tried to strangle him; perhaps it was Michael who wanted the legend to die with him. The Colony however is less a place more a state of mind and when I open the Deal Arts Club from the huge funds of my book The Colony Room Club 1948-2008 it will transfer there. It will have to be a membership club - ordinary people on a day trip to the seaside might be offended by the full use of our language and the freedom of our thoughts.

Now, if we assume most members of the Colony were/are drunken reprobates with casually vacant genitalia, who will threaten to sue you? There's a pretty tale or two to tell. 

Foreign Correspondent Dick West swears it didn’t happen to him but that an Australian reporter went up to interview Tom Driberg MP. The Colony he thought would be a Gentlemen’s Club. He was greeted at the door by Muriel and asked to be directed to Mr Driberg, ‘He’s the one in the corner with his hand round that sailor's cock.’ Driberg liked a man in uniform. 

But he also liked a working class man - Geoffrey Wheatcroft apologised to Driberg at the Colony for putting a picture of Driberg, Lord Boothby and the Kray twins in a compromising photo in a book by his publishers. Driberg said mournfully, ‘It’s just it’ll stop me getting into clubs’. Not the Colony. As Muriel drily noted: ‘He never worried about it when Ronnie’s cock was in his mouth.’ 

Driberg also admitted to Christopher Hitchens in the Colony that he loved going into special committees in the House of Commons with semen still sticky at the corners of his mouth.

It wasn't only homosexual activity, however. Christine Keeler and Stephen Ward were often at the bar (is it true Lloyd Webber is making a musical of it all?). Paul Johnson said she was very dreary, though Ward used to like to have dog collars and leads on girls he took to pubs and he didn’t drink more than an orange juice. A decade later, Peter Langan - the famous Brasserie owner - could often be found of an afternoon delighting middle-aged ladies by crawling around the banquette and putting his head up their skirts and (as George Melly put it) 'yodelling in the canyon.'

But why did Peter choose to wear those white linen suits? The follow-through stains showed up something awful.

Q: You were a member of the Colony. Were your genitalia casually vacant? Don’t you say to your wonderful mother Moll: ‘How could you have exposed me to such a place, with all those ghastly drunks slavering over each other!’

SP: It was a wonderful place; you must be a tiny bit jealous? I am eternally grateful to both my Ma and Pa for taking me in there and I was proud to be a member but it was odd seeing people like Jude Law or Stella McCartney in there at the end.

As to my vacant or otherwise purse I shall quote Irma Kurtz, agony aunt of Cosmopolitan -“The Colony wasn’t a pick-up joint. If you fell in love or lust, that was nice, but it was beside the point. Bohemian behaviour meant that you didn’t share the same restrictions and morality. Now everybody sleeps with anybody from Hendon to Highbury. Sleeping with someone because you want to doesn’t mean anything now.” Quite.
The Colony enjoys free promo
Q: What were Muriel’s teeth like? Was she lesbotic? I think you say somewhere she was only a bit lesbotic. Ian Board was definitely lesbotic – didn’t he throw Francis Bacon out once and said he was a useless painter or something?

SP: Never. Everybody was frightened of Francis; he had such a huge presence, and a charisma bigger than Nelson’s Column. 

Muriel was known as a Portuguese Jewish lesbian from Birmingham whose parents owned the Alexandra Theatre – all total bollocks. Along with the fact that The Colony was named after her Jamaican girlfriend Carmel. Carmel, aka the Fox, wasn’t about when Mu first took over the club; it had been a club for old colonials. Paul Johnson was taken there first in 1947, pre it being Muriel’s, with Jimmy and Teddy Goldsmith - and they were on the lookout for Benzedrine – it was all the rage then. She definitely had a soft spot for pretty boys and good-looking women. Ian liked leather-clad men who would beat him.

Do you want a picture of him as a male model on Hampstead Heath? [Yes please, see above - MA]

Q: Is it true Will Self was a habitué? I believe he was particularly kind to persons behind the bar. Yet he now claims the Colony was a hideous place – didn’t he satirise it in Liver? I can’t recall the title but there was a liver in it. 

SP: I don’t know if that is satire. I know all the Private Eye lot like Peter Cook went in the Colony and he opened up The Establishment where Lenny Bruce performed in London - and Terry Southern.

I thought satire was meant to be funny? Anyway, Self was (so he tells me) in love with the barman Ben Tranin, but that’s his story to satirise or otherwise. It's strange how people's drug of choice separates them. I personally can’t stand popping pills or puffing weed or shooting up, which tends to kill many more people who do it than the percentage of people who drink and die of liver disease. He insists everyone died of cirrhosis of the liver, but Wojas was a druggy more than a drinker, and Ian’s liver was fine. Unfortunately cancer of the lungs killed him. He liked a fag.

Q: I see your book is published by you. Don’t tell me the cunts who run publishing didn’t sense a bestseller in their midst. What’s wrong with these hairy-eared swine? What were you supposed to do – re-title it ‘Harry Potter Goes Tits Up At The Colony’?

SP: Or arse up and heads down - I‘d like to have seen the book jacket in WH Smith. Actually we are publishing it ourselves because it’s the only way to make any money from publishing. Authors advances have shrunk to the size of a cock in the North Pole. And having spent 2 years of my valuable life on this precious tome I didn’t want to be paid peanuts and then see it sink from lack of proper marketing. It’s a great and glorious book not just about sex - there’s some culture in there too. As Muriel said about Peter O’Toole, if he’d been any prettier they’d have had to call it Florence of Arabia.

Q: Do you consume muesli before you write? Do you wear shades as you ply the keyboard? There are many aspiring writers out there hanging onto these bio details. 

SP: I like a nice piece of sourdough smeared with apricot jam before I set to. Would I encourage anyone else to spend 2 years on a history of the Colony? No, don’t bother - I’ve already done it, there’s nothing left to tell….

Q: Sophie, darling. You're a joy and a credit to all loose-livers, so to speak. Good luck with your glorious book.

To order a copy or two of The Colony Room Club 1948-2008: A History of Bohemian Soho by Sophie Parkin, visit her dedicated site. Click here


In a separate post, I report on the Arts Club - boasting a membership engrossed in London arts culture -  snootily declining Sophie's offer to talk about the Colony and her book - it's 'not suitable'. Click here.


Friday, October 05, 2012

The Arts Club is too good for Sophie Parkin's new Colony book!

Sophie Parkin
Shortly, author Sophie Parkin will be talking to Madame about her delicious new book, The Colony Room Club 1948-2008: A History of Bohemian Soho. Just about everyone who was anyone in British cultural life in this riotous period, and drank, appears between its covers, from Francis Bacon and Will Self to Princess Margaret and Kate Moss. 

It's the biggest, butchest, bitch book of the year, darlings.

Quite naturally, Sophie is currently raising awareness - to lapse into charity-ese - of her tome with personal appearances and talks: Sophie is, like her vivacious mother Molly, an ambulatory entertainment and orator. So, it was entirely to be expected that she would approach the legendary Arts Club in Dover Street, London, with an offer to give a talk on the Colony and her book. After all, the Arts Club "is very much a place where creative people come together to meet, exchange ideas, eat, drink, entertain and relax," to quote a line from its own website. It boasts: "The Arts Club has reclaimed its place at the heart of the contemporary cultural life in London and on the world stage."

Alas! A letter from the Club to Sophie has fallen into my hands which suggests it imagines itself well above the grizzled alpha hoi polloi who once guzzled and gossiped at the Colony. I won't reproduce the entire document or identify the Hyacinth Bucket who wrote it, but the key de haut en bas passage reads:

"Thank you for your email and the information about your Book [capitalised b as written] – this is certainly a great review of these exciting years and people..

"Unfortunately, I don’t feel it is suitable to us at The Arts Club (not the Scottish one!). Our Club has changed slightly and so have our members.

"I am sure you understand my view."

What a peculiar response from an institution which claims to "maintain a special focus on London-based artists." The Colony was all about London-based artists. Has the Arts Club turned into the kind of salon de thé one might patronise on the outskirts of Worthing?

Perhaps the real problem here is the Arts Club's "complete renovation" in 2011. "It has been completely transformed into a truly world class establishment," it reports, with pinkie out-stretched, in its History. Even better: "The interior has been designed by David D’Almada who has tastefully created a timeless ambiance juxtaposing vintage furniture with new."

Sounds gorgeous. Very P&O cruise liner.

To order a copy of Sophie Parkin's The Colony Room Club 1948-2008, click here. The title is released in December.

Thursday, October 04, 2012

'Jimmy Savile abused little boy', claims Oxford Astrologer

The Jimmy Savile myth unravels over a ton of claims of sexual abuse. Apparently we all knew about it whereas in fact most of us merely suspected he was a 'weirdo' because he behaved oddly, idolised his mother, wore tracksuits and red-tinted shades.

Rumours of Savile necrophilia in a hospital mortuary lost nothing in the repeating.

Now, the respected Oxford Astrologer starts her latest blog post with these words: 'A while ago I met someone who had been molested by the late kid's TV host Jimmy Savile back in the 1970s. I won't disgust you with the details; he was a little boy at the time and Savile a middle-aged man.'

The sooner we know the full details the better. Let's put aside the appalled face-pulling and other huff-puff shock-horrors and get down to the nitty-gritty. The man who spoke to the Oxford Astrologer should go straight to the police, if he has not already, and make his complaint. Better too late than not at all.

We need to know all the facts for a better understanding of Savile. He was not unique. 

To read the Oxford Astrologer, click here.

Wednesday, October 03, 2012

Gregory Martin: The Beatles, my father and the Jesus & Mary Magdalene love show

Astrologer Gregory Martin
Sir George Martin was known as the 'fifth Beatle', the man who produced many of the super-band's classic albums.

So it's fascinating to learn that his eldest son, writer/producer Gregory Martin, has practised astrology for over 25 years. And in a new podcast on Cosmo astrologer Jessica Adams' The Astrology Show he discusses the professional, creative and astrological relationship between his father (a Capricorn) and Sir Paul McCartney (Gemini), the strongest of all the Beatles bonds, says Gregory. 

Recently, Gregory launched new website Astroaria.com. I'm intrigued to learn of his plan to make a stage show and movie about the 'extraordinary love between Jesus and Mary Magdalene'. He himself claims to have received spiritual or psychic information from the other-worldly source he calls 'The Magdalene'.

He writes: 'I was shown in visions and sounds, thoughts, images and feelings how this production would change the world and be remembered for all time, the beauty, energy, power, and truth of this great untold love story, capturing and enthralling the hearts and minds of millions.'

The podcast also features my horoscopes for October 2012 - all free. Go here.

Monday, October 01, 2012

Obama hosted private Tarot Halloween party at White House

President Obama and the First Lady Michelle Obama flank Tarot readers,
 Geraldine Amaral (next to Mr P) and Bev Hitchins
Sometime soon I shall post my astrological analysis of the US election - Obama looks like the winner, but there are tricky complications.

Meantime, did you know President Obama hosted a private Tarot party at the White House last Halloween for his staff and others? Perhaps it was widely reported and I missed it. Noted US Tarot reader Geraldine Amaral reports that on October 29, 2011, she and colleagues gave Tarot psychic readings to White House staff and guest military families - the Obamas did not consult the cards but were 'lovely, warm and gracious', reports Geraldine, as the photo above suggests.

The event was 'a donation from the Disney Corporation and the Hershey Corporation.' 

More can be read about the party at her site The Spiritual Tarot.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Julius Caesar and The Sun's sad attempt to educate PM

I applaud the Sun's attempt to educate the Prime Minister David Cameron on British history after his lamentable, red-faced performance on David Letterman's chat show. The paper prints 20 facts that may be news to the Old Etonian. Alas, we have only to get to fact 2 to spot a howler. 'Roman Emperor Julius Caesar didn't conquer Britain...' it starts. JC was never emperor, not even king. At best he was dictator for life. The first Roman emperor was the later Octavian aka Augustus.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Barbara Hulanicki Brighton award: Spilt fizz, Biba shoplifters and a Sun ritual

Barbara Hulanicki
Yesterday, Barbara Hulanicki OBE RDI was bestowed the Honorary Doctor of Arts by the University of Brighton. The heavens signalled their approval when the Biba legend, in Avengers-style black, collided with a waitress serving drinks just before the award: champagne scattered and fizzed in a divine blessing on the carpet of the decadent Royal Pavilion's Red Drawing Room. Nothing like a huge wet stain to remind of mortality. The spill was mopped up as condoling giggles seeped into George IV's perfectly hideous red-dragon wallpaper. An anecdote born. 

Permanent fiancee Molly Parkin (a close friend of Barbara's) and I sat in the front row. Before the early evening award conferment, and reception and tour of the Biba exhibition ('Biba and Beyond: Barbara Hulanicki'), Molly and I had planned to meet at Brighton's Grand for a catch-up. Sadly, the cunting Liberal Democrats put paid to that. Ahead of their pointless conference starting this weekend, cops had cordoned off the hotel - policing costs for this event will be a ruinous £2.1m in a time of 'austerity'.

So Moll and I retired to the delightful, faintly louche Metropole. We sat outside and gazed over the traffic towards the gnarled ruins of the West Pier - a monument to civic criminality. At one point Moll, in glittery red turban, stood up, looked up and addressed the cloud-dimmed Sun with arms outstretched, beseeching its help in a certain matter. Normally, she prays to the Moon, most effectively. But the Sun is a good proxy for the granting of wishes.

Brighton honoured Barbara because it was here she studied fashion in the 60s. She may be one of the most influential style icons of our time, yet she spent a lot of her formative years in the town (now a city) watching movies. Fellow Brighton student Moll had no truck with the likes of Barbara in those days - 'We were art students and we didn't talk to fashion students,' she says over four black straws standing in two tall glasses of ginger beer and ginger ale, much ice and lemon. 'They wore beige and were commercial.' 

Nonetheless, events forged a wonderful personal alliance later - and Moll became very much part of the Biba experience, designing, for example, the 'Mollies' - wide-brimmed hats, sold at the old Derry & Toms store in South Ken.

Later, at the Brighton Museum & Art Gallery reception, I bumped into a talkative woman called Sue. 'I was a Biba store detective,' she tells me. 'I arrested loads of people every week. The job made me very crafty and observant, and I could blend in with crowds so shoplifters couldn't see me watching them.' The underbelly of Biba! The dark shadow of a store whose Rainbow Restaurant drew the Mick Jaggers and David Bowies! I like Sue, a trained nurse. Without the likes of her, capitalism would soon turn soup kitchen.

We walked upstairs to the Biba exhibition, which starts Sept 22 and runs through to April 14 next year. A bit cramped, but I liked the wall works - period model photos, headphones to listen to video Barbara, images of swirly-curly neo-arty deco things on cups and such-like. Frocks and hats centrally placed; what a palaver. We traipsed worshipfully now we're all atheists. A girl in the 1964 Biba pink gingham dress - a huge hit after the Mirror noticed it - didn't want to mislead the naive: 'The dress is a reproduction,' she smiled threw lovely teeth.


And speaking of the Mirror, who should we bump into but fabled Felicity Green, the sharp-witted octogenarian on a stick who was once that paper's women's editor and became the first female appointment to a newspaper board (and advised the Express, Telegraph and other publications). It was thanks to her that Biba, Quant and others enjoyed wide tabloid coverage and helped restyle the masses. She seemed a bit crabby because she couldn't find the chauffeur. This is not a woman I would cross lightly.

Into the night we strolled. And a group of us bitched about people we'd met.