Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Christmas email cards: But where's the soulful saliva?

The next cunt to send me a Christmas email card is so going on my Curse List - quite long this year.

What precisely can you do with a cunting email Christmas card? - print it out, spray starch on it and stick it on the mantelpiece? I don't think so. The Scrooges who resort to this cheapo, soulless, miserly gesture are not thinking straight.

The whole idea of cards is to put them someplace for all to see so that others can say: "My, how many friends you've got! Bitch!" Hard copy cards are heralds of tangible good wishes, cheery sentinels of desk and home surfaces, as opposed to impersonal email cards which simply stuff your inbox with unwelcome megabytes and probably can't be played in any case because you need Adobe cunting Flash or whatever the latest piece of crap from Silicon Hell is called.

There is something sensuous about the thought of saliva on the hard copy card envelope: someone has gone to the trouble of licking your prezzie. Isn't that faintly erotic and personal? There's no saliva to be found on an email Christmas card, just the thought of norovirus-enriched fingerprints on a keyboard. Not the same is it?

If Dickens were alive today he would not have written A Christmas Carol. He would have penned A Christmas Cunting Email Card, featuring an office misery who works out how much money he or she can save by sending out the company festive card. The ghosts of Christmas past, present and future would be the souls of all those forgotten, locked up or deleted email cards wailing for attention. They'd tell of what might-have-been had they been incarnated as Clinton hard copy cards, of friendships strengthened, of marriages saved and of kids returning, if only a hard copy Christmas card had been posted (you know, with a paid-for stamp, licked).

Don't you feel the loss?

26 comments:

Guardian hack said...

It is one of the classic openings of literature.

"It is a truth universally acknolwledged....."

"This was the best of times and the worst of times..."

And now of course "The next cunt to send me a Christmas email card is so going on my Curse List - quite long this year"

forgotten ones fund/stephmastini said...

....I apologize for not sending an email card this year/thank God, I will dispense of this horrible habit of expressing sentiment and caring...Oprah writes handwritten cards...I rather prefer it actually. But,
when one doesn't have a physical address one tends to use the internet...that is why I PAY for an email card service and Jacquie Lawson cards, is a very nice way to show you care..really Madame! I thought you cared...Hallmark might be the way to go, but some of us don't give out our addresses..I know I don't, or I might be on the receiving end of all types of unwanted and solicited mail (maybe even a mail bomb from Kevin, who knows?)..isn't email cards a safer way to go when one is in the public eye?
steph!

Madame Arcati said...

I love your cards Steph, you're one of my exceptions and I shall be expecting an email card from you. May main focus is on those office Scrooges who call themselves atheists - penny pinching misers the lot of them. MA x

Scotsman hack said...

With the new sticky stamps, and one of those old fashioned plastic water bottles with a sponge top (my parents had them), one could conceivably send a DNA-free Christmas card. which would piss you off no end!

be well.
x

Anonymous said...

Very funny, made me fart.

Stella Polari said...

I have noticed that you have had a couple of `anonymouses` (or is the plural `anonymice`?) recently who fart.

Stella agrees with you, MA, over emailed xmas `cards`. The sender claims he/she is saving the rain forest, reducing carbon footprint etc etc etc but the truth is he or she is either tight or lazy or both.

Regarding my hand-delivered traditional greeting card(well, sort of) , you may very well call me a cunt too

P.s can you take Sooter back with you next week ? - she`s been a bossy little madame recently. She`s doin` my head in.

Ms Baroque said...

Well, I always send email cards. I was hopeless at real ones - it all just seems to happen too fast - so email cards are what people get now instead of nothing. Terrible, isn't it, but I feel it is better to work with what you've got than set unrealistic expectations and be left with nothing. And I make them nice.

Chas Newkey-Burden said...

They are evil indeed. Well said MA!

forgotten ones fund/stephmastini said...

MA of course you know that my comment was tongue in cheek blogging..I will continue to send email cards..especially when it comes to my favorite Madame..ciao!
steph
oh, and screw you Scotsman Hack..My parents had one of those sponge devices..need I say more.??

Anonymous said...

MA darling, do calm down, please, or your blood pressure will raise and cause you a stroke! ‘Tis the season to be jolly, Fa la la la la, you know… Think that little gifts like treats, flowers, cards, candy and other tokens of friendship speak more of the one giving than the one receiving. I can tell someone like you must have very sweet people that truly love you and those are the ones that count: quality, not quantity.

I know well the type you speak about: they say things like that they don’t give out presents on holidays such as Christmas, Valentines of MOTHER’S DAY, because they have become such “commercial” celebrations, but they won’t make a nice gesture to anyone, any other day of the year… They are not worth your grief; their cyber-gifts are just a gauge for you to measure them by.

Ehrm, Does this mean you don’t appreciate cyber-sex either? Just asking.

A ciber-squeeeze to you and a big wet ciber-kiss (slurp). This is all you can get for not having a physical address.

Madame Arcati said...

Is that you Molly? And why did you cap mother's day?

Elvira (Ghost of every Christmas) said...

Not Molly and I capped it because the individuals I refer to won't have nice gestures even for their Mums. They are those that Mummy is always making excuses for their "forgetfulness".

(I also need to watch my typing).

XO

Elvira said...

Molly would never sign anonymous to you. You should know her better by now.

A pinch in your butt for that.
;-)

Madame Arcati said...

One can never be too paranoid, that's what I say.

Ms Baroque said...

Now that really IS the season of good will! xx

forgotten ones fund/stephmastini said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Elvira said...

Wow, I wonder if SM is right about me. Do you agree, MA darling? Do I seem threatening? To who, or is it whom? After all, you know what the say: “it takes one to know one”, and she seems to know what she is talking about (I better pull out the phonebook and seek counseling, immediately). I find it fascinating how easily she goes into a tantrum and starts throwing darts in every direction. She is apparently weary of me, but describes your butt as gargantuan (Is she trying to say you need to go on a diet? How big is it?), as if she is very upset with you for something you haven’t even done (yet). Maybe you should watch out for her... I think they call it collateral damage.

I could only touch you with rose petals, MA sweetie.

XO

p.s. I just noticed her initials spell SM; that makes me giggle.

Elvira said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Y3J2jpwdRI&feature=related

;-)

Madame Arcati said...

Steph, Elvira - now girls, try to get on; it's Christmas time and while it's true 'tis the season for reproach and assault among loved ones, you two have no such excuse, since you're not related I'm sure. Leave the disharmony, tension, bitterness and vengeance campaigns where they properly belong - in the loving bosom of families.

As to the size of my butt, I should say it is fairly proportionate to the rest of me, and has been the cause of some admiration in its time.

Madame Arcati said...

Elvira - that YouTube video is appalling, teasing the white pussy like that. Pussies should given sweet little kisses and gentle finger probes, that's what I say.

Elvira said...

"Pussies should given sweet little kisses and gentle finger probes"

Oooh, behave! Now you've done it! Getting pussies all wet with kisses; shame on you! Naughty!

Elvira said...

"Pussies should given sweet little kisses and gentle finger probes"

Oooh, behave! Now you've done it! Getting pussies all wet with kisses; shame on you! Naughty!

forgotten ones fund/stephmastini said...

it wasn't Madame's posterior I was alluding to...and that's that..I will be the better woman and ignore Elvira, Madame~
Certainly don't need negative energy in my life...my postive energy and outlook has always seen me through the storms..thank you
s!

Elvira said...

Dear MA,
I noticed you have deleted SM’s first comment and I don’t know if you did out of good taste or at her request. May I suggest that since you have decided to do so, you delete the rest of the discussion, for by not doing it, you will only make future readers’ imagination fly high and imagine horrific things having been said.

Remember I’m not the first commentator at whom SM aims her rude and discouraging comments. I would have not addressed them if she had not singled me out, because we are all grownups and we each have to standup for ourselves (I will not be wonder woman to the rescue) and after all it is your blog and you have proven to have more than fair capacity to retort to any comment and make us laugh in the interim.

I just wanted to let her know that if she keeps it up I will have something to say. No hard feelings, SM.

Peace
XO

p.s. I also noticed one of my comments is repeated. How did that happen? Does my PC have the hiccups?

Madame Arcati said...

Dear Elvira, I don't think I have deleted Stephanie's comment - if I did it would be only be because of an accidental repeat of an earlier message. I try not to censor as far as I can, even when I'm not entirely comfortable with the point of view expressed; and you'll find if you delve into my celler that I have been the subject of much criticism and abuse, sometimes not without justification. I am subject to moods and shifts like most people, but perhaps in a very pronounced way - hence this blog. At the moment MA is fairly benign. Another possibility is that Steph deleted the comment but I'm not sure about that.

If messages are repeated it's because the same message was sent more than once - and I don't always remember whether a message has gone up or not.

forgotten ones fund/stephmastini said...

yes, I deleted the comment... I decided not to encourage Elvira..I am full of love and hope for the New Year!
s!