Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Pope: 'Gender blurring dwells beneath your rockery'

In his end-of-year review to Vatican staff, Pope Benedict XVI named the greatest threat to distinctions between male and female.

The garden earthworm.

"To the innocent observer, the average garden seems a place like Eden, with its flowery stamens standing erect ready to drop their masculine loads from hairy pollen sacs through the agency of passing trade, er, I mean bees," said the Pontiff. "Yet in reality corruption burrows away out of sight, undermining the laws of ecology. The earthworm, Mr David Attenborough tells us, is both male and female, neither fish nor fowl, neither Martha nor Arthur, one of nature's hermaphroditic abominations, making a nonsense of gender definition.

"One gazes at an earthworm and one thinks: 'What are you? You slimy long thing, you, with your nasty, flaccid, thin shaft and liquidy stuff - ewww!' The earthworm subverts our understanding of girls and boys, of skirt and shirt: it is a Satanic thing designed to make a nonsense of what we know to be manly and womanly." He added: "Snails and slugs, too, are bisexual Friends of Dorothy. Do not be beguiled by these seemingly humble creatures, for, each possessing both male and female reproductive parts, they brazenly and publicly fornicate in an orgy of mutual insemination behind your blushing peonies and pansies."

The Pope called upon his followers to bear their forks and hoes down on the sinners - "Seek out Gomorrah in a sod and let it bake in the sun," he screamed before asking the TV camera crew, "Is it a wrap?"

The sign of Satan: the vermitranny

19 comments:

columnist said...

Brilliant!

The Ayatollah said...

Excellent, Madame. I believe the Pope should be arrested - after all, the police in the UK (at least) will give warnings to people who make homophobic noises - surely the Vatican is not immune from EU laws.

Anonymous said...

I never realised that an earthworm is the Quentin Crisp of the garden, mincing about in the soil and spreading its insidious mesage of gender blurring. I thank you Madame for this invaluable lesson, and I have my hoe in hand ...

Anonymous said...

You have earned your merry Yuletide, Arcate

Anonymous said...

The Pope is contrary to the natural order of creation and he is therefore Satan - he must be extirpated.

The Dormant Stella Polari said...

Your best ever posting, MA - by far

BTW, you noticed the slimy critters popping their headless bodies up between the Aloe Vera and Desert Rose last Sunday then? You don`t miss a thing. Our worms are butch, I`ll have you know. The only thing to mince around here is Sooty`s uncle when he visits!

Merry Christmas to you and `Mother`

Madame Arcati said...

Thank you dormant Stella - what's it like being dormant? Like Ann Widdecombe's fanny? Perhaps don't answer that one ...

Bloody mincing uncles - you have watch that lot.

forgotten ones fund/stephmastini said...

As I simultaneously watch Midnight mass at the Vatican, my lap top lying upon my boudoir attire...I am compelled to comment. I agree "Columnist"...quite brilliant article MA, in so many ways...if I might add this thought; Our Pope might not have been alluding only to his homopophic issue...I believe he was was also addressing the hypocrisy of some that call themselves Catholics (oblates possibly?)...two headed creatures at times..I know that for a fact there are many two headed snakes I have encountered...doesn't that count MA?
The clock just struck midnight so I will say Merry Christmas one and all..Santa is awaiting his annual treat...must go run to greet him in my maribou clad heels...I am sure Pope Benedict would understand...
steph~

Anonymous said...

A completely brilliant piece of satire all based on biological truth. Exceptionally good.

Madame Arcati said...

I hope you had a merry time today Steph - it doesn't take much to upset the present Pope who should be in a nunnery.

Elvira said...

If we believe in one Supreme Creator, we believe that earthworms, snails, slugs and Ratzi are all his creations as well as ourselves. How can we dare question why He has created even the snake? Too bad Ratzi focuses on defying/questioning groups, pointing fingers and name calling rather than taking these opportunities to address us individually and remind us that everyone of us are the prodigal son that has taken his inheritance and gone to the world to experience it and it is up to each of us to decide if we will come back home when we are broke, tired and, hopefully, wiser. When I was growing up I was lucky enough to only be taught in Mass and Bible school that God loves us no matter what and He trusts in our redemption, not any of this midnight marauder avenger nonsense.

forgotten ones fund/stephmastini said...

what would be interesting is to observe Meryl Streep's character ("Doubt") confront the Pope as the nun she portrays...I think she would give him a run for his money~
can't wait to see that cinematic newbie...have you seen it yet?
I did have a nice Christmas Madame, no white precipitation and no need for a coat either!
just the warmth of the sun's rays...
How do you excommunicate a Pope? do you nominate the gay community to execute the deed?...that would be aporpos~

Madame Arcati said...

Ratzi is best viewed as an academic. I don't sense any great spirtuality about him, there's nothing that makes me think that he is a master spirit or blessed with any especial understanding of this world beyond a brain built on rote and examination. The Christian churches are as remote from Christ today as they ever were. If Christ ever returned the Pope would be the first to condemn him.

forgotten ones fund/stephmastini said...

sounds like Elvira has a bone to pick and a pulpit to preach...she needs to address the person individually instead of masquarding as "Elivra"... you aren't fooling anyone but yourself..and you know what I mean!

The Dormant Stella Polari said...

What`s it like being dormant? Umm, a bit like a volcano, I suppose. Stella, if conical in shape, will either blow his top unexpectedly with vengeance and spew out his magma far and wide or gently love-puff his content over the top. It all depends long he can keep a lid (no, not a wok lid)on it !

Sooter says "meow" for her pressies

Madame Arcati said...

Give Sooter to me now. Now now now

The Dormant Stella Polari said...

you`re welcome to her - being a little bitch at the moment

Elvira said...

SM dearest, someone for whom I care deeply once wrote that “life seems to move in a series of extremely irritating circles”, but even the guy in Groundhog Day eventually succeeded in breaking the vicious circle; it’s doable. Hug someone, even if it is a little old lady with Alzheimer's that doesn’t have a clue who you are and will not remember you two minutes later. Remarkably, it will feed you with love that can help you heal. See? I got your number! You are not the only one that can “figure out” people.

I’m not into you. Your “little eight years old in love” tirades don’t work on functional grownups. It’s very un-sexy; you are wasting your time.

Attacking people gratis to get their attention is not healthy. If you do get their attention and they stay interested passed the usual “what’s up with this psycho ” phase, you should have reason to be weary. I also recommend you get off the recreational stuff you are using: your paranoia is getting out of hand (I am not all those people you could not get along with growing up and with whom you haven’t found closure). Remember: Groundhog day.

BTW, I will not address your nasty little comments anymore. It is not fair to MA and her guests. Now that you have chased off everyone in your life, people (or at least me) will not let you do the same elsewhere.

Sincerely, to add much to your frustration
Elvira the ethereal

forgotten ones fund/stephmastini said...

I have always adressed MA's topics and have been a loyal reader Elvira... now, Baste...
s!