Sunday, August 09, 2009

Croatia: Cock-cunting professor gets a Molly mangling

See Croatian photo album in postings below
l to r: Film director Robert Chilcott, actress Carson Parkin-Fairley, Molly Parkin and some tag-along. Photo: Jadran Babič of Slobodna Dalmacija. Click images for full size.

Poor Professor S! Out of humanity I shall not publish his name. But yesterday he was fed into the Molly Parkin sausage machine and spewed out as mangled mince; or dumped like a turd at the water's edge on the Croatian island of Brač. Even now I inwardly cringe at his operatic humiliation. But the tale has to be told.

The Professor had dreamt of an idyllic day celebrating the work of a Croatian painter: a charming woman in a lovely dress. And who better to invite along as honoured guests to partake in this appreciation on Brač than the famous artist Molly Parkin and her entourage (now including newly arrived daughter Sophie and husband Jan)? The Ghetto Club's Sonja had phoned our hotel to tell us that the promised six-seater taxi had not been booked so we must get cracking and phone for two taxis to get our party to the harbour at Split within the hour. "I have a surprise for Molly!" Molly's granddaughter Carson had barely finished washing her hair and she was bundled into a car. So the group mood was already faintly toxic.

The surprise! Kočani Orkestar greet Molly. Click each image for full size. Photos by MA


The harbour surprise was Gypsy brass band Kočani Orkestar with Sonja at the head, clapping. A very generous and charming gesture. Molly was utterly delighted, dancing to their music as they trailed us to the ferry before the 50 minute trip to Brač. "I'm a Gypsy, you know," she chided on the boat when her entourage proved churlish about the racket. "You're all killjoys!" And the mood turned darker when it dawned we were not about to meet Croatia's cultural elite here but to be treated to a walking cultural tour of the island: or "traipsing" as Molly called it. "I don't do traipsing," she declared to the Prof. We refused to traipse: instead I noticed a sign in the grass showing a dog with an erection and took a pic of Molly posing behind it. The Prof looked most put out. Someone explained that the erection was actually doggy poo and is not encouraged in public places.

We anchored ourselves in a waterside bar in front of a noisy church as the art lovers traipsed on. By now Molly had learnt that the Prof was not gay. "I have two sons," he revealed, unwisely. Molly said to me, "I've lost interest in him now. I much prefer gay men around me to talk about art, much more interesting. I can't have him wittering on in my ear."

The promised al fresco dinner in the marina failed to sweeten things. Though we were invited guests we were told we'd have to pay for anything that wasn't the local plonk, the anchovies or some fish paste (and what looked like Christmas cake). The very idea! The Professor snuck up to Molly and said, "I have a lady who wants to meet you. She is a motel. " "A motel?" asked Molly. "Yes, a motel - a moh-dell. She was a model in the 60s."

This prompted a rebuke. "Please, Professor, would you please stop giving me a history of everyone who wants to meet me." Not taking a hint he pushed on and described at length another fan who desired to supplicate at Molly's open toes. Molly exploded. "You can give that kind of bullshit to your art students but not to me. Please stop. If someone wants to meet me just bring them over."

We all exploded when the Prof informed us that the ferry was running late. We wouldn't be leaving before 22.45, which meant we wouldn't get back to the Ghetto in Split before midnight where the Parkin Lot was booked to perform. We refused to view the artist's paintings, we all wanted to leave. Now. "You can't!" said the Prof. When Carson noticed private water taxis available for hire he said, "They take two hours!"


Photo: Jadran Babič

In fact not. Jan and I secured a water taxi and at around 9.30pm Molly and entourage took off into the Adriatic night and were back in about 50 minutes. The moonlit journey was pure bliss, bumpier than the ferry, part African Queen. We all felt awful about Professor S: I shall never forget the bewilderment etched on his face as he probably rehearsed what he'd say to his fellow art lovers - and featured artist - by way of excuse.

If he's reading this - sorry! Lesson: Get the itinerary blessed first.

Oh, and that dog with an erection (click for full size). Photo by MA

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

What a dreadful bunch of divas! No thought for the Croatian artrist caught among all these egos. Funny however.

Anonymous said...

Funny how I can't help but think of people with big square hands as very generous and giving.

Anonymous said...

The "motel" - that made me laugh.

Anonymous said...

Wonderful story Madame Tag Along, I presume.

veritas said...

a delicious tale. I have an image of that gypsy band popping out from behind a pillar wherever Molly & Co go.

As usual,she dressed understated.

Anonymous said...

Hysterical story.

Sue George said...

I love Molly's outfits. Presumably she designs and creates them herself?

Madame Arcati said...

Yes, her own designs. x

Anonymous said...

I think the professor was treated appallingly. What a graceless group you were - such rudeness to someone who must have gone to much bother to arrange the trip. It's behaviour like this that cannot be tolerated. Parkin should be ashamed herself.

Anonymous said...

Don't know why, but "The Ordeal of Gilbert Pinfold" incongruously springs to mind - all very surreal!

Anonymous said...

One of the funniest things I have ever read. Superb lunacy.

Anonymous said...

"Madame Tag Along, I presume."

Most likely, according to my sources.

veritas said...

this trip sounds like a sort of modern and more jolly version of Death In Venice.

Madame Arcati said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Madame Arcati said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Madame Arcati said...

Dear Veritas - Death In Venice? That's an interesting idea. I did ask Molly to teach me the art of mascara application - so you're on the right lines.

To the tag along anon - please do not part with any cash for your "sources". Their info is common coinage.

I sleep regularly with the handsome man on the right.

Anonymous said...

Enough holiday snaps! Yawnola!

Madame Arcati said...

Fuck off cunt. If we had a half decent press these would be in a paper. Instead, Peter Mandelson. With his "dewy skin". Decca Cunty makes me laugh.

Anonymous said...

Sonya! xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Anonymous said...

"I sleep regularly with the handsome man on the right."
Oh, you tart!

Kudos to Jan and you for coming to Molly's rescue and seeing she doesn't end up as "Professor's" floor matt. I have no sympathy for him; that is no way to treat a GOH. It absolutely serves him well and I don't know why Molly should be sorry or feel guilty in any way. She was right to make sure to keep her previously arranged commitment with Sonja at the Ghetto, which had been planned weeks in advance.

But I must say I do think Molly's posse are truly a bunch of kill joys for not appreciating the gypsy's performance; that was actually a very thoughtful surprise.

Anonymous said...

"I sleep regularly with the handsome man on the right."

Oh yeah, I do believe you. You can't help it, can you? You two are so inseparable. ;-)

Randy Handwarmer said...

What the feckitty feck does any of this have to do with the great Kevin Spacey?

Madame Arcati said...

I recollect Kev was appearing in the Split Rep in a touring production of Thesp: The Musical. I hear he was delightful.

Peter Purves said...

Hmm, this makes sense, because I saw Mr Spacey walking his dog near Trg Gaje Bulata the day before.

Anonymous said...

Madame Arcati..... did one forget that one was acompanying Molly Parkin and not Naomi Cambell for fcks sake.
Then again the way u treated the little people suggests that there was someting of the uber bitch about ure group afterall.
Did u take any pics of the grey, crusty minge?.... please share

Madame Arcati said...

You cheeky sod. Would Naomi be the one who routinely beats up her staff and is adored by Mrs Broon?