Madame Arcati boss denies 'BBC-like prejudice against old bitches'

Madame Arcati is distressed to learn that she faces the axe from this blog because she is regarded as not 'young and pretty' enough for a primetime website.

My young(er), nubile, iPod-attached boss is citing my lack of populist experience, but I can tell by the way she looks at me (if you'll forgive the lurch into the first person) that she is offended by my characterful deep facial grooves, the comforting flesh-sacs hanging from my lower eyelids and my overall lack of commitment to winning organic youthfulness.

I had no idea that I was meant to be ornamental as well as one of Britain's finest bloggers. But I suppose in these online porno times, readers (male ones especially) require eye candy for their extra-keyboard hand relief. We have to keep the men happy.

Rumours abound that my boss wants Daybreak's Christine Bleakley, 31, to front this website. Over my dead body!