Friday, November 23, 2007

Duncan Fallowell ponders his bathtime churning balls


In this week's excellent Spectator - I love to stroke my cheeks with the gorgeously sexy silky paper, inter alia - Roger Lewis lists as one of his Books of the Year Duncan Fallowell's "long-awaited hedonistic masterpiece about his visit to New Zealand, Going as Far as I Can (Profile, £12.99)." Lewis writes: "New Zealand comes across as a philistine hellhole, so Fallowell shuts himself in a motel to contemplate his knackers floating in the bath instead. You assuredly didn’t get that in Bruce Chatwin."

The phrase darling Duncan actually writes is: " ... a good long soak in the bath and
contemplation of my balls slowly churning in their sac"*. It has been brought to my attention that this is "a unremarked phenomenon," namely, "that balls in this relaxed state can often be seen to make a definite churning movement of their own accord." My male writer adds: "I can't be the only man to have noticed this [as well] but I've never seen it referred to elsewhere. Can your readers offer some input on this?"

Any New Zealanders are most welcome to contribute, btw.

*Duncan spells this as "sack" in his book for the reason he gives in comments.

To order Duncan's new book click here.

40 comments:

drf said...

Dear Madame Arcati - how clever of you to penetrate my book so early. Actually I wrote 'sack' not 'sac'. I've always had an irrational prejudice against spelling it without the 'k'. I know 'sac' is the correct biological term but it looks wrong in English. Is it stretching it to suggest that my preferred spelling is a legitimate option?

Best wishes, Duncan Fallowell

Anonymous said...

What Mr F calls churning is just all the tubes rearranging themselves as heat takes effect. He needs to get a grip.

Anonymous said...

No, I have not noticed my balls churning in my bath but then I'm a woman

Madame Arcati said...

Yes you did write sack, but for once I decided to intervene, for surely people would think of Santa's sack rather than your scrotal container with that redundant K. In this you shall have to defer to Madame.

Mrs Gaskell said...

Is Duncan Fallowell a shameless self-publicist or just unfortunate in his choice of friends? I am tempted to suggest that he and Madame compare their testicular churnings in some Icelandic spa far far away. But that would be too much to hope for.

Anonymous said...

Bollocks.

Anonymous said...

No - tubes

drf said...

Anyway - since there are few public rewards in a writer's life, I'd like to say it's very nice to be a Book of the Year three months before publication.

Anonymous said...

So Duncan Fallowell's new book could be book of the year for 2008 as well as 2007. Isn't that a bit greedy? I shall write to the editor of the Spectator. And who is Roger Lewis?

Anonymous said...

Why shouldn't he straddle?

Grishka said...

"New Zealand comes across as a philistine hellhole, so Fallowell shuts himself in a motel to contemplate his knackers floating in the bath instead."

At least Mr Fallowell didn't travel to NZ for nothing: it's certainly the only place in the world where he could discover Archimedes' law, an overwhelming experience, undoubtedly. Oh lord, what a fascinating life those great intellectuals live!

Anonymous said...

To the Anonymous who said "No tubes", I think you should read this extract from a description of the internal structure of the testis:

"Under a tough membraneous shell, the tunica albuginea, the testis contains very fine coiled tubes called the seminiferous tubules. The tubes are lined with a layer of cells that, from puberty into old-age, produce sperm cells. The sperm travel from the seminiferous tubules to the rete testis located in the mediastinum testis, to the efferent ducts, and then to the epididymis where newly-created sperm cells mature (see spermatogenesis). The sperm move into the vas deferens, and are eventually expelled through the urethra and out of the urethral orifice through muscular contractions."

Anonymous said...

Perhaps Fallowell indeed has a sack between his legs and will be coming down my chimney - sack first.

Anonymous said...

No - I didn't say no tubes - I said

No - tubes

Meaning no to the 'bollocks' above and yes, you, whoever you are, you clinimaniac, yes -tubes decidedly.

You lack an ear, sir.

Anonymous said...

Whatever happened to your campaign to get Fallowell reinstated at The First Post, Madame?

Anonymous said...

The First Post is now running on a skeleton staff. It's owner was a sub-prime man so don't hold your breath . . .

Anonymous said...

Inspired by this piece I took a bath last night, I usually shower, and allowed my body to sink in fairly hot water. I allowed my testicles to bob about before they were submerged. All I noticed was that on rising from the water my balls had fallen way down my sac or sack and the scrotum swung about pendulously. But there was no churning. Perhaps Mr F had wind when he took his bath in New Zealand.

Anonymous said...

So is it the Last Post for The First Post?

Charles not Moore said...

I love Perry Worsthorne in the First Post - it's like being back at the S Telegraph.

Anonymous said...

meanwhile back in the bath something's stirring . .

Anonymous said...

Anyone for tennis?

Anonymous said...

I've just checked out the firstPost - no book section any more! shame on them!

surfpup said...

yup mine doo it

Boris not Twotone said...

Worsthorne off! Out of my way? Where's Piccadilly Circus? Any henriettas on this site? Oops, dropped my condom!

surfpup said...

am churnin right NOW

daddy said...

I've only got one ball. do you need the pair for a churn or can one churn alone? haven't detected a churn so far. lost one in a school football match. kicked in the balls - one shot up - never came down again - but I am still a daddy twice over.

Charles Lambert said...

If Duncan Fallowell can straddle why can't I?

Anonymous said...

Is there anything in this guy's book other than a load of balls?

Anonymous said...

Hey, New Zealand, anyone at home?

Anonymous said...

Chris - you have to find someone to straddle on your behalf. You can't nominate your own books

lavinia said...

I think it's high time we had a statement from the medical profession.

Anonymous said...

Susan Hill is being very quiet on this one. I thought she was Fallowell's friend. perhaps she's a kiwi.

Anonymous said...

Still nothing from N Zealand. Are they all dead?

Doctor Zed said...

Give us a kiss, Lav

Anonymous said...

And why is the left ball larger than the right? So they can snuggle between the legs. Same-size would fight each other and jostle.

Anonymous said...

with me it's right larger than left

Anonymous said...

I'm a canoe, a canother canoe

RyanGNZ said...

Well, I'm from New Zealand, currently living in London. I think it's a shame that someone would liken New Zealanders to the Philistines. I've always thought we had a strong connection with art and culture. Especially music.
I haven't read the book so I can't really comment, but realistically any book calling my homeland a 'hellhole' of any description isn't really on my list of books to read.
New Zealander's are good people, shame we get stood on in such ways.

Anonymous said...

Mine are doing it now- at room temperature. It's a pleasant sensation...

Anonymous said...

My balls churn a lot in the evening. I love the sensation.