Thursday, November 15, 2007

Heather Mills: Two bitch superstars (and a dog)


Michele and Bijou. David is elsewhere

I am pleased to see that Heather Mills McCartney's new global PR Michele Elyzabeth has put on the moderator on her Heather blog at long last – I am most impressed. She has also wisely removed all the tabloid-driven commenter bile and replaced it with a confetti of lovely healing thoughts with only the slightest sign of demurral to Heather’s gospel – this too is wise: it gives the impression of free-speech (a childish notion in net world).

I think I may like Michele who has a dog called Bijou and a gay hairdresser called David. In contrast to Heather’s last PR, the Yoda-ish Phil Hall who understands how thin-skinned the average hack is, Michele vlogs weekly rants at the media as Bijou looks on with a sad countenance. Some media pundits are saying that Heather has made another big boob with Michele, but I’m not so sure. I did suggest in a previous posting that perhaps she could improve her image with some humour and self-parody. I think Heather has just found herself the perfect lightning rod.

And so to the Michele vlogs. In the first she appears without Bijou and announces in what may be a French accent: “I am sick and tired of all the lies about Heather.” She promises to “take apart” lying articles every week. True to her word she then launches into a splenetic attack on Barbara Walters and her show The View over claims Heather cancelled an appearance. Not true you bastards! And of Walters’ broadcast opinion that Heather is a "difficult woman", Michele explains that this defamation arose because Heather had the audacity to ask "for water at room temperature” when she appeared on Barbara's show earlier. "Heather had a tooth pulled that day so she was sensitive and in any case water at room temperature is a healthy option," Michele adds. With regretful pathos she sighs: “Walters was a fabulous journalist who got famous and became this storyteller of ... tabloid magazine” (sic).

Vlog 2 is even better. Here Michele appears with David on a sofa. Bijou sits between the drama queens and falls asleep to Michele's caresses. “If Heather were a man she’d be considered strong,” drawls David. They then both crucify a galère of anti-Heather villains including the Daily Mail and Perez Hilton – of the latter Michele says: “He drew something disgusting over Heather’s picture. He took someone else’s name to get famous. ” David responds: “That’s because he’s a nobody”.

The pair reveal their true glorious colours though when they bitch about someone called Joy Behar who slagged off Heather on The View. David: “She laughed about Heather’s leg, about a disability. I mean, I don’t laugh that Joy is 30 pounds overweight, has bad colour and needs a facelift.” To this Michele screeches and Bijou cocks up a fluffy ear. The show ends with a dodgy claim by David that Sir Paul’s “big PR machine” has shut down a lot of Heather’s charity work. Oh, more, more please.

It is plain to me that Michele and David must be given their own talk show PRONTO. They are brilliant. Like true stars they take the media seriously and aren't ashamed to customise their rage to the needs of the payer - a symptom of what some call loyalty. Two fabulous motormouth bitches! And little Bijou! Heather, I love you for bringing these people into our lives. I hope you get $100m from Macca. You have earned it in my view.

Catch Michele and David yourselves, click here

13 comments:

Moon Mistress said...

Oooohhh.....Yesterday there were over 100 comments and 95% of them were attacks on Heather and the two bloggers. Today, there are 22 and most of them support Heather. Hmmmm.....very interesting, that.

Anonymous said...

Hysterical, encore!

Anonymous said...

Mme Elyzabeth will only succeed in making Heather even more ridiculous. I can't play the videos on my machine but I get the gist - disaster!

Anonymous said...

Phil Hall is not Yoda like, he speaks in perfectly ordered sentences, nor is he over 900 years old.

Anonymous said...

I love Bijou

Anonymous said...

I love Bijou

Anonymous said...

have you seen the Ben Goldacre demolition of Jeanette Winterson's crap about homeopathy in today's G2? hope you now see that you can tend to call things SLIGHTLY wrong

Madame Arcati said...

I'll read it properly of course this weekend over a glass of absinthe - but he is the Guardian's resident quack darling. And just a brief reading suggests that he's not quite getting that non-linear argument of Jeanette's. Still, I'll say no more for now.

Anonymous said...

I think Madame Arcati should take over as Heather's PR, don't you?

Anonymous said...

I meant your confection of some stand-off between the Guardian and the Observer about homeopathy... just a bunch of differing views, with both sides represented in both papers, surely? you look silly when you try too hard to be arch

Madame Arcati said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Madame Arcati said...

It's most irritating that the homoepathy thread now finds itself slap bang in the middle of Michele and Bijou, but to the above comment.

My original point was that the Observer had kicked off with an anti piece on homeopathy then the Guardian followed with a pro. Something similar happened with other issues such as Iraq and MMR - suggesting some sort of frisson between the sister papers. I suspect the Guardian then balanced Jeanette's piece with Goldacre's to placate the secular know-alls on the paper appalled that it should be used as a vehicle for any point of view that veers from the gospel according to the pharmaceutical industry.

Anonymous said...

What I find funny is the lack of comments on this vlogs. Why? Because anything negative gets deleated. I'm thinking of setting up a youtube video where people can freely comment on Mary Elyzabeth and Heather and they won't be deleated...stay tuned...