Ashley, Alicia, Sun, Screws, Cheryl, anal vibration

The odd-looking kiss ‘n’ tell queen Alicia Douvall claims on TV that there was a price on Ashley Cole’s head in tabloid-land just before the story broke about his latest cock-cunting activities while vomiting – why, even she was approached by a hack for any dirt on the footballer, she claims.

I suppose this must be because of the £100,000 he reportedly picked up from the News of the World a little while back which falsely allowed the world to imagine that Mr Cole had engaged in a cock-cocking orgy, with the rather imaginative detail of a vibrating mobile phone up someone’s rectum. Subsequently, Ashley’s “feisty” (ie gobby) wife Cheryl boasted to Piers Morgan in GQ that the £100k winnings paid for her wedding ring. Gloat gloat. This must explain why the coverage is especially vicious. Revenge, revenge.

In other news, I note the Screws’ TV critic Ian Hyland being most teasing about Ross Kemp’s latest show set in Afghanistan – “The Camp Thespian In Camp Bastion,” he wrote, after Clive James, almost. What can he mean? I can’t imagine that Ross’ estranged wife Rebekah Wade – as editor of the Screws’ sis paper The Sun - will be too pleased. It’s hard to keep up with it all. I do know Rebekah is a great admirer of Hyland’s gifts - he rivals her own TV critic, the legendary yet reclusive Ally Ross who I sense is growing restless. A novel can't be far off; I see it ... But who knows? And, yes, who cares, but the principals?