The Independent's gosser Oliver Duff is relinquishing the Pandora diary page to become deputy home news editor - I can't imagine anything more boring. Monday's his last day and sweetly he informs all that he has no decent story yet for his swan song. His email contains an entertaining litany of encounters with foul-mouthed celebs ...
"I've told you it's not true and yet you continue to write it."
- Matthew Doyle, official spokesman for Tony Blair
"Are you following me? Fuck off."
- Alastair Campbell, following a chance encounter at the urinals in The Arts Club
"I didn't fucking come here to be interviewed by you! Now don't fucking cry about it! Just fuck off!"
"What are you leaving her a message for? Why are you asking? Why do you want to know? Perhaps you should email Julie to apologise. You are an absolute prick .... asshole ... Why don't you fuck off and get an actual story. Moron."
Julie Burchill's assistant
"You have got about as much chance of seeing him as me growing a penis by tomorrow morning. And if you tell anyone what I just said I'll break your bloody legs."
Spokeswoman for Her Majesty's Prison Service says that Pandora must cancel plans to hold a birthday party for Ronnie Biggs
"The article in The Independent said we were merry - a terrible euphemism - when we'd hardly had a glass. That journalist obviously has no stamina himself."
Christine Hamilton, on stage at the Edinburgh Festival
"Ga!! Diarists!" [Phone: click]
Rt Hon John Prescott
"Great to meet you."