Monday, June 15, 2009

'Celebrity cocks that have entertained me'

A certain incorrigible person of the world writes to Madame Arcati about her encounters of the celebrity cock kind. Adult content, poppets...

Dear Madame,

Given your obsession with cocks - you old size queen! - I should tell you that Clive James has quite a reasonable cock. I would put him at a quite broad 6 and a half inches to a seven.

David Lee Roth is a Princess Tinymeat, as is George Michael, as we all know, thanks to Brad Branson.

Steven Berkoff's is short but very very thick and Mickey Rourke couldn't get it up because he'd injected so much liquid valium.

***** ******** tells girls his cock is tiny as part of his chat up technique. When a man tells you his dick is small, naturally, you don't believe him. Well, he wasn't lying. I've already horrified you, no doubt, by telling you I've got a tiny cunt [in a section edited out, alas] but *****'s cock is so minute that I couldn't even tell when it was in me or not. He was very straight sexually. Thought I was a pervert when I suggested rimming and a bit of hanky spanky.

But he kept pestering me to have sex with another guy while he watched. When I told him ***** called that "homosexuality by proxy" he went mad!

Grace Jones tried to seduce me but I wouldn't go further than massage skin cream all over her. She used to lie in the bath for hours, full to the brim with bubbles. She was horny as fuck with anything that moved.

I've never slept with Keith Allen despite several attempts on his part. I can tell you more if you want to know. My mind is always in the gutter, looking up the stars skirts.

Your Friend Forever x

Dear Darling,

That'll be enough for now. Save the rest for your memoirs.

Love MA x

17 comments:

Anonymous said...
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Madame Arcati said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

*sigh* Gladys, I waited to give others a chance to opine, not to rain on anyone's parade; but since this post is so quiet you can hear crickets, I'll speak now. Frankly, I don't see the point in sharing all this technical information (yawn), if there's no intention to share stories on the actual fun (or dull) part of it. Sounds more like a grocery shopping list (ok, meat market shopping list).

I have the perfect gift to get you for the next occasion. May be a little kinky, but it looks like you'll find it to come in quite handy.

The perfect gift:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/
wikipedia/commons/a/a8/CombinationSquareSet.jpg

(This comment was edited)

Anonymous said...

I sometimes imagine that you deliberately put up pieces like this to give yourself a rest, madame.

Anonymous said...

Is it true that your mate Duncan Fallowell is going to impersonate Diana Mosley on Youtube? In Evening Standard Londoner's Diary. I'm feeling very confused.

Anonymous said...

You are supposed to blow the lid on slags like this. That's your purpose. So who is she?

Anonymous said...

Sol Campbell's got a massive juicer. Ask Helen.

Anonymous said...

Let's not forget Sam Leith's eight-inch propelling pencil.

Madame Arcati said...

It certainly is true that Duncan will impersonate that well known and charming Nazi, Diana Mosley, in a YouTube show extravaganza. I'm sure he told me first but Londoner's Diary did something on it on Monday and then I Twittered. I just hope Duncan uses a Jewish cameraman, or does something, to enrage the old dead bitch in her hell.

As to the "slag", Madame Arcati blushes at such language. The person concerned is a literary field worker in the realm of celebrity libido: that makes all the difference.

Sam Leith should be stationed on a plinth somewhere in South Ken. Naked.

Anonymous said...

Gladys? Don't you mean -

This letter has been edited.

Anonymous said...

How many pigeons could perch on Sam Leith's cock?

Anonymous said...

Gladys? Not ... Doris? Growing old(er) has mellowed you, Arcati. She didn't give any exclusives. You know that, right? It is all already on her website.

Madame Arcati said...

Cock length on the website? I don't think so.

Not how many pigeons could perch on Sam's cock. How many Ken Livingstones.

Duralex said...

Then what will you say when you see mine! :-)))

forgotten ones fund/stephmastini said...

...Duralex, you know what they say..."it's not the size of the wave, but the motion in the ocean"
s~

Duralex said...

Oh but Steph dahling, my ocean is deeply moving too, believe me! I'm just afraid you're definitely not my type. :-)

forgotten ones fund/stephmastini said...

Thank you for the compliment Duralex~
s!