Friday, March 06, 2009

Watchmen: Dr Manhattan's glowing blue penis! The review

Yes! See this fascist, graphic novel adaptation at a cinema near you! And Dr M's schlong. (Click image for enhanced experience)

Watchmen review: Dr Manhattan's cock
It is soon apparent that quasi-CGI superhero Dr Manhattan's blue appendage serves no purpose other than to underscore his awesome masculinity. It will pass no urine or jizz, it will never rise to attention: it is just there, an emblem of Dr M's unearthly mightiness, a sentinel of manly authority. When one of his doppelgangers makes love to his loyal assistant and girlfriend, Laurie Jupiter, he does so not through the agency of his glowing schlong but by stimulating her with electrical charges from his hands. It's as if he is pressing her with an iron that's prone to cutting out in a shower of sparks. The camera shyly averts its gaze from his groin area, one that requires no showering or waxing incidentally; but you may be assured that there can be no tumescence, which is just as well because even the space of an Odeon big screen is finite.

Nor does Dr M's cock sway pendulously as a trunk of its proportion would do during movement, such as walking: rather it just hangs down like one of those oblong bird feeders one finds in the better maintained garden, rather inertly. Happily, no blue tit or other feathered friend is ever likely to be drawn to Dr M's ambiguous, rather screwed-up nuts.

Filmgoers who are not fanboys/girls of Alan Moore's creation may wonder why Dr M does not simply wear a loincloth or a fetching thong. This is a good question. After all, he does put on a suit for a talk show. So he is cognisant of human decency. One can only conclude that though Dr M sees no difference between a live or a dead person, and meditates on Mars, he is a naturist at best or a filthy exhibitionist and flashing perv at worst. If the latter, saddos who cream themselves on comic novels should be treated with especial caution.

Oh, and then there's the movie ...

32 comments:

the late Godfrey Winn said...

Looks like one of those awful chewed-off circumcised things.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I love a foreskin too.

Anonymous said...

Oh, MA darling you naughty you… you make me giggle so. I vote for uncut also.
oxox

Roger Ebert said...

The finest review of Watchmen I have read to date.

lavinia said...

But AIDS is less easily transmitted by the circumcised, so they're lopping off foreskins all over Africa. As I well remember from when Reggie was on tour of duty, those men are impressively made and it would be a shame not to recycle the resulting leather. Perhaps they could be sold as good-luck wristbands to ward off the evil eye.

Anonymous said...

LOL! Lavinia, you are too funny! Do you think they would stretch them wide enough to fit over their heads to use them as necklaces and probably carve little decorations on them? It can become quite a fashion statement that says “I’m cut and proud!”, for the sake of health… That is wild!

Still prefer uncut and rubber protected, though.

Fuck Me Tonto said...

Bravo Madame! Satire at last on the hideous Watchmen and its kind.

Anonymous said...

I see you get a mention in Mark Shenton's blog at The Stage site apropos Michael Coveney. You do get about don't you, you raddled whore

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Cut or uncut ? I think MA should begin a list of personalties who are or aren't (or is that a bit too popbitch ?).
I have a few personal observations to contribute.
Great review.

Yours..(will take it with or without),
veritas

Lavinia said...

Rubber protection is all very well but it is expensive if you live in an African village - where it may be a toss up between luncheon or condom. Reggie was circumcised and said he was grateful for it when we found ourselves crossing the Sahara with only a sandbath possible.

Anonymous said...

By the way Lavinia, when you were in Africa, did any of those men walk up to you and tell you: Ma’am my eyes are up here…

forgotten ones fund/stephmastini said...

..if you want to truly watch an unfeigned surreal "comic book" dream-like cinema masterpiece ...(I know that it was not based on one!)... than take your Orville Redenbacher's and DVD player and watch "a Clockwork Orange"..that was true brilliance. Packed with surreal images, phallic symbols, violence and an absolute masterpiece..it is what percipitated my need to delve into Dali-esque painting..these other silly and ridiculous over budget knock offs, are a waste! What a load of dung..who cares about a flaccid penis on a contrived suit..(I prefer circumcised).this is a movie for the "Trek-ie" OCD community...but that is just my opinion..I wouldn't have any fascination drawing a blue penis, only if it were dripped in paint by my hands! authenticity darling..I think THAT would be a great subject to add to my portfolio..and it will be ERECT...
s!

The Semi-Dormant Stella Polari said...

And I thought `Schlong` was an alcohol-free wine ! You do have an ability of enlightening the blue-rinse set of suburban Fareham, don`t you MA ?

P.s Sooter is now happily using her outside privvy.

Madame Arcati said...

So right Steph. Clockwork Orange is sublime and should be remade immediately.

And to Stella, schlong is also how the inebriated say "so long".

Anonymous said...

“So long” He, he; you silly.

Abriel said...

Lavina... I bout near passed out from laughing.

Dr. M's penis was probably the most ... strange thing about the movie. While breasts are seen quite often in movies these days, it's uncommon to see male genitalia.

I dunno. I found myself staring going "So... is it ok because it's CGI? Or... Man. Mom's are going to have a field day raving about this."

Boofie said...

M's penis is strange, but I don't know if it's the strangest part of the movie. I did find myself staring though, just to see if it would ever twitch, bounce, shimmy or otherwise in the slightest. No dice. Or maybe no balls.

I was really hoping he'd pull a Peter Bretter (Forgetting Sarah Marshall) and slap it back and forth on his insanely ripped quads, though.

Anonymous said...

eww you girls are FUCKING nasty uncircumcised is FUCKING GROSS u all are whores!!! enough said.

forgotten ones fund/stephmastini said...

...only an adolescent would have written that last "gross" comment. MA, isn't there a way to keep minors off of this blog??
we wish...
s

Anonymous said...

You can have a penis like that with a blue condom and a few of these Penis Pills

Past Expiry said...

Check out this cartoon about the Watchmen movie!

http://pastexpiry.blogspot.com/2009/04/cartoon-dr-manhattan-watchmen.html
*CARTOON*Feel free to post on your blog or "tweet"

Hugh7 said...

Lavinia: Whether circumcision does reduce the female->male transmission of HIV is disputed. It has now been established that it does nothing to prevent male->female transmission and may increase it by as much as 50%. Women are already at greater risk, so circumcision is counterproductive.

And the troops fighting in the North African desert managed well enough without being circumcised.

free movie said...

is there any viewers that didn't noticed this and wasn't in-depth the thingy issue the whole movie?
(a great movie btw)

forgotten ones fund/stephmastini said...

...what an abomination of the English language...are you sure MA, that you aren't picking up the children's hour on here?
s~

Madame Arcati said...

It makes you wonder. Where's the net nanny when you need her?

movies said...

I love it, thanks for taking the time for this!

Rockman said...

I never saw a pussy in a rated R movie - when is that gonna happen? They dont even show tits in Watchmen! Not a movie for real men.

Free Movies said...

I really loved this scene. It was a bit like Austin Powers in Goldmember. Absolutly hillarious.

Anonymous said...

I hate nasty foreskin. I'm glad I'm cut. Fuck you Godfrey Winn for calling it "awful" and "chewed-off". I would not give you the priveledge of getting anywhere near my cut cock. Dumbass.

Robert Malcolm said...

A well-written review, but the penis is only a very small part of the movie (and a fairly small penis at that).

Madame Arcati said...

Thank you Robert. I suppose a large cock would have created problems over movie intention.