Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Paul Merton: No anal Hoovering, yet

I’m sure the day will come when comic Paul Merton is found in a whore house with a Hoover tube up his arse and a satsuma slice between his teeth – but that day has yet to arrive. Apparently he’s a clean living and rather decent chap so let’s hope his day in the tawdry tabloids remains just that - a juicy dream. But it’s funny how the unlikeliest people fall under the wheel of disgrace.

I grew less fond of Merton after his sanctimonious reaction to his old Have I Got News For You colleague Angus Deayton being put in the print pillory a few years back for fucking prostitutes and “snorting” [sniffing!] snow. You should have seen Merton’s face on HIGNFY as he and Ian Hislop crucified Deayton for his cock and coke tales: the moralist pair reminded me of those two old Northern bitches once played by Les Dawson and Roy Barraclough in drag, chin-wagging and pulling appalled faces over the garden fence at some neighbourly outrage. It was a low point in TV satire.

Last night I glimpsed Paul Merton in China on Five in which our hero does an Alan Whicker and plays the British Bloke Abroad. He visited a Shaolin temple and took kung fu classes. As he adopted certain postures usually required on the female side for what used to be called a knee trembler (“bend at the knees, legs wide open”), he did a Bruce Forsyth ("Good game! Good game!") and sportingly exhibited a body unfit for Oriental purpose: but it got a laugh in British homes, I’m sure. Then he did a Judith Chalmers and wandered about, wittering as he went, and then did a Bruce Forsyth again as he tried to line dance in the People’s Square. I fell about … in my attempt to hop channels fast.

As Merton’s star falls into lucrative TV template despond – as the new Forsyth/Chalmers/Whicker – Deayton returns soon in new BBC1 series Would I Lie To You? with David Mitchell and Lee Mack: celebrity panellists are challenged to tell the most fantastical stories. It all sounds a bit like Call My Bluff with Deayton as Frank Muir. Yet no matter his whores or his drugs or the sermonisings of erstwhile TV pals, it’s good to see a talent return to where he belongs – in a new show no fresher than Paul Merton in China.

2 comments:

The Daughter-of-a-Bitch said...

"I grew less fond of Merton after his sanctimonious reaction to his old Have I Got News For You colleague Angus Deayton being put in the print pillory a few years back for fucking prostitutes and “snorting” [sniffing!] snow. You should have seen Merton’s face on HIGNFY as he and Ian Hislop crucified Deayton for his cock and coke tales"

Very funny. Laugh at them all you can, granny, you're no better than them, and much more hypocritical, with your pseudo-liberal mask. Berk!

Anonymous said...

Would I Lie... features Deayton seemingly awaking from a cryogenic freeze and doing exactly the same autocue kareoke as he did five years ago. It may also be the one show too much for David Mitchell.