Monday, October 22, 2007

True romance: 'My doggy-style sex with TV broadcaster'

Elsa tells me she had a brief liaison with a certain UK TV broadcaster who I shall call Thomas John. I interviewed her by email ...

Elsa! Thank you for agreeing to this interview. You say you know Thomas John - that you had a brief sexual relationship with him. First tell us a bit about yourself, as much as you wish - your age, ethnicity, profession/job, marital status etc ... whatever you're comfortable with .... what do you look like?

I’m 29. I write poetry and short stories but I pay the bills temping as a PA (Personal Assistant). I type at 125 words per minute. I’m single. My parents are both black West African. I’m 5’10, a size 10 to 12 with big boobs. I wear my hair in shoulder length twists (looks like dreadlocks or braids). I have skin about the colour of milk chocolate.

How did you meet Thomas John? - set the scene ... where, when ...?

It was nearly [deleted for legal reasons] years ago, at an African Visions event at the Africa Centre in Covent Garden. I'm a frequent visitor there - I especially love their bookshop because they stock all sorts of often obscure African literature. I was wearing a head-wrap made of Kente cloth and he asked me a lot of questions about it and about where I had bought the material and whether I knew its history (the royal history of that particular pattern). He also said "You're wearing no makeup are you?" and "You're stunning."

I thought "Here’s a guy who thinks he knows a thing or two about African culture."
He name-dropped a lot when I said I loved African and Black American writers. He talked of Beverly Naidoo, Toni Morrison, Maya Angelou and claimed to be friends with all three.

Did you find him attractive? Did you know who he was? Did he chat you up? You him?

I thought he looked way better than he looks on the telly. He has very interesting almost exotic features. From some angles he looks almost like an alien but very attractive. I’m used to men always being my height or shorter so it was an unusual feeling to be literally looking up to somebody I was talking to.

His first comment to me was something like "hello". Then he looked at me and said, “Where in Africa are you from?" This surprised me because people normally assume I’m a Jamaican or a black American. Then he said, "So, what’s your background?” I said, “What do you mean?” He said, “Your roots?” That’s how the conversation began. When I told him my mum’s from [deleted} he seemed very interested and asked me a lot of questions like had I ever been there etc.

I became a little annoyed because I’m sick of white people asking blacks in this really condescending way “Have you ever been?” [to the country you’re folks were born in]. I turned my back on him to get a glass of wine. A few minutes later he tapped me on the shoulder. We continued talking. After about 10 minutes, I was thinking to myself, OH MY GOD, THOMAS JOHN IS TRYING TO PICK ME UP!! I actually texted a friend to say, “You would not believe who is chatting me up right now.” He saw me fiddling with my mobile and asked me for my phone number. I said “No, give me yours.” He laughed for some reason and said “No, give me yours.” I gave him my phone number and email address as well.

How quickly did the liaison progress to sex? Where did sex first take place?

It took him a month to call me or maybe even 6 weeks. He asked me to meet him for “tea” at the Covent Garden hotel, which I did. He was drinking tomato juice but I downed two glasses of wine. I told him I had a bottle of palm wine at my flat in Finchley. He said he hadn’t drunk palm wine in years. We went back to my place. I was a bit ashamed of him coming to my place because it’s really small. But he said it was “charming”. We went back their by black cab. I remember feeling really self- conscious being in the cab because I thought the cabbie would recognize Thomas John and be all up in our business. As it was the cabbie gave me dirty looks. The cabbie was black and a lot of black men hate seeing black women with white men.

At my place I shoved the palm wine bottle into the freezer to chill it. John and I started fooling around in the kitchen. I was quite tipsy. Things progressed quickly. I was keen to have sex there in the kitchen, against the sink because I’m kinky like that. John insisted on leading me into my bedroom where he laid me down on my bed. We were about to have sex but then I realized I had no condoms and he didn’t have any on him. He asked me whether I was “using contraception.” I was actually on the pill but I lied and said I wasn’t. ...[Deleted for legal reasons].

Gentleman that he is he went out and bought a 3 pack of Durex. We had sex. The earth didn’t move because I was so nervous to be shagging Thomas John. It felt somehow wrong and almost but not quite funny. I was keen to talk and share the palm wine after the sex, but suddenly he said he had to go. And he went. I asked him if he wanted me to call him a mini cab but he said no. I watched him from the window as he left. I wondered what my neighbours might think.

Is there something about Thomas John's body, some skin mark or other characteristic, that would not be immediately obvious? Anything?

I didn’t ever see him naked in daylight but I did notice his arms were very toned but he had a fairly serious beer belly. The hair on his head is [deleted] but the hair on his chest was still dark. His legs, especially his thighs, are very very thin. Of course all of this is from when I knew him, he may have put on weight since then.

Did he talk about his life or other relationship(s), his work ...

He talked about his love of writing and how if he could live his life again he would focus more on writing. He read some of my poetry and critiqued it. He said I seemed a true free spirit and that he really admired that. He said he admired the fact I hadn’t “sold out”.

He told me that he was very attracted to “African ladies” and that he’d recognized me as African from the moment he saw me. He also said he’d been watching me from the moment I entered the room. I found that very flattering.

Can you say something about the sex and how many times you had sex?

We had sex on three occasions. On the first occasion, just once. On the second and third occasion we had sex two times each. He has a very very high sex drive and he was open to hearing from me precisely what I wanted and then doing it. I’m not big on hours of foreplay, I like doggy-style hot heavy sex and he was willing to oblige. He had a remarkable amount of stamina for his age, I thought. The second time we had sex, I had three orgasms.

How did the liaison end? Were you hurt?

He told me on the first date that I must be discreet. He said that if I told anybody about the nature of our relationship he’d end things straightaway. He wouldn’t even let me have his phone number and when he called his number came up as NUMBER WITHHELD. Finally, during sex I managed to get him to give me his home phone number hahahaha. Then he made me swear never to use the number. It was right after that that I never heard from him again. He just never called me again. After four weeks I used the phone number he’d given me and an upper class sounding woman answered so I just hung up. I never heard from him again. I think he wrongly thought I was going to be indiscreet or sell my story to the papers or something.

You think he's a "blackophile" - can you explain that?

He is just crazy about African culture. It was almost all he talked about to me. He asked me LOADS of questions about hip hop and who the coolest rappers were and who I thought originated hip-hop. I truly think he is a black man trapped in a white man’s body. Sort of like Ali G but in a tailored suit instead of a track suit. He also thinks black women are beyond beautiful. He was especially hung up on the texture of afro hair. He found it a real turn-on that I wore my hair un-straightened and natural. He couldn’t keep his hands out of it.

Have you been in touch with Thomas John since?

No. I think about him a lot though.

Do you think Thomas John would deny knowing you?

I really don’t know.

... [Further cuts for legal reasons] ...

Some may accuse you of making up your story - do you have something to say to them?

If this gets out certain people will probably never speak to me again; because a lot of my circle don’t believe in black women dating white men. I’ve nothing to gain in making it up but I’ve every right to tell the truth.

Elsa, thank you for writing to Madame Arcati.

It should be noted that there are many tall male TV broadcasters - tallness in men is de rigueur in the world of TV journalism, after all.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

You might want to disguise Esther more convincingly. Then again, you might not...

Madame Arcati said...

Which Esther is that dear? The one in Bleak House? Or Esther Williams, the noted Hollywood swimming star? My, how Thomas John gets about.

Anonymous said...

You're a very docile little poodle, Arcati. But you still forgot to delete this tiny bit on the same page:

_Esther A said...
When I read the article in the Mail on Sunday it all sounded very familiar. He used some of the same lines on her he did on me by the sounds of it.

Was he a good screw? I have to admit Yes, but I've had better. Esther

Friday, 22 June, 2007_

Secretly wishing to be caught, aren't you, Madame? :-)
Of course, I'm keeping a copy of the whole stuff. Could be useful to someone, who knows?

Lorenzo said...

I find quite suspicious that this interview gets almost no comments. Would our carissima Arcatissima forget her deontology and sweep them under the carpet? Ewww!
But I realize that if the comment moderation might be a problem on one hand, on the other hand it's also a very convenient excuse for publishing questionable stuff with impunity... for a while.

Anonymous said...

Umm.... umm...