Monday, October 29, 2007

Madame Arcati, Pupbitch and some idlers

How Madame Arcati adores attention: it is the bright sunshine, the hot affirmation without the melanoma risk. Yesterday, Arcati enjoyed an unprecedented audience lift such as to encourage me in my plans to turn Arcati into a fully-functioning entertainment news website with me as the USP - due to happen in spring 2008 or sooner. And when I say an "entertainment" site I mean one that gives intelligent coverage to celebs and the arts - does the world really need another site just to tell us of Lindsay Lohan's next rehab appointment (Oh, hi, Perez, TMZ and the scores of mini-me showbiz sites on the blogroll)?

The attention arrives courtesy of the treacherous and unprofessional Popbitch site, which should be renamed Pupbitch, given its anthropomorphic fantasies about furry animals, and otters. Long past its glory days - it once broke some great stuff - Pupbitch is now mainly a dumping ground for unusable tabloid tales about celebrity cock, cunt and coke, supplied by some feral talent on the tabloids (music writers mainly). The Pupbitch crew don't work very hard - feet up at weekends with their Oxbridge pals; uncovered holidays galore. Most of their stories are just teasers to navigate around the libel laws, and most people I know just say of Pupbitch: "Whatever happened to it? It's crap." It is outshone week after week by the superior Jason at Holy Moly - I hate to say this, but Jason far out-bitches Madame Arcati and he runs stories I wouldn't touch with a bargepole. All power to him.

Pupbitch purports to have outed Madame Arcati, as do a few drama queens, Spacey fan neurotics, one idle Frenchman and one idle Italian, who've been emailing loads of people with my "true" identity. I guess these are the kind of people who think Elvira eats bats for breakfast and Dame Edna applies Nivea night cream to her facial nooks and nodules at bedtime. If there's anyone out there who imagines Madame Arcati grew in anyone's womb, allow me to disillusion you. Madame Arcati arrived fully formed, a vision in tweed, with a crystal ball or two dangling someplace and a vast bank of knowledge between her ears. Madame Arcati never played rounders in any playground. I hope that this is not too shocking a revelation.

And that's that for now. I shall be dealing with certain individuals in my own way, at a time of my choosing, and with the relevant facts to hand. Otherwise it's business as usual.

40 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'll say one thing for you Madame. You've got, er, balls.

Lou Cypher said...

"Arcati" said:

“I know the identity of the person who is going onto certain message boards with an anagram of my purported puppetmaster, Clover Vitriol. This wager of war against Arcati hijacked the poll” “The war wager itself owes Arcati money. It's most unwise to use business information for spiteful threads - because the tactic can be reversed.”

And then:

"And that's that for now. I shall be dealing with certain individuals in my own way, at a time of my choosing, and with the relevant facts to hand."

Please do. Is there anything more delightful to Lucifer’s loathsome heart than the sacrifice of an innocent victim? Thank you, "Arcati", for this priceless gift which unexpectedly enhances the value of my masterpiece just when I’m almost about to sign it. Objective chance and hidden determinisms are the essence of conceptual art.

Curious said...

There are some terrible things being written about you on the net, don't you feel sick? I guess not.

Anonymous said...

< Pupbitch purports to have outed Madame Arcati, as do a few drama queens, Spacey fan neurotics, one idle Frenchman and one idle Italian, who've been emailing loads of people with my "true" identity. >

How do you explain that Claire, Lorenzo and Duralex left your blog just before you were outed, just like rats abandoning a sinking ship? This is highly troubling, don't you think?

The Daughter-of-a-Bitch said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Dick said...

Damn it! Keyser Sôze has struck again!

Madame Arcati said...

Why troubling? They brought nothing to the party in terms of actual knowledge about anything but French and Italian phrases lifted off the quotable quote sites. At times I wondered whether Duralex could develop the simplest of ideas without the validation of some dead genius. Also, what you say makes no sense. Did they imagine Madame Arcati broke free from the pages of Blithe Spirit and assumed full and independent life, with her crystal ball? All three - who were hostile to journalism, by the way - were trying to dictate to Arcati what she shall write about. They failed completely.

Madame Arcati said...

Dear Bitch, despite everything I have a fond regard for you - there is a relentless predictability about you that is as comforting as an old and weathered sex toy.

Rumours of my impending doom are wide of the mark - allow me to assure you of that. You and others forget - wilfully, natch - that Madame Arcati grew on her own strengths, not by reference to anyone else's (real or imagined).

The perils of trying to make deductions from style similarities are too numerous to mention - I am perfectly happy for people to rake over pieces here and there. But I confirm and deny nothing.

Kevin Spacey-Fowler said...

This is all very funny I must say. But I fear however Arcati is not going away judging by this piece.

Anonymous said...

Just carry on Arcati

Another Madame said...

Like the idea of the new arts, site Arcati. Having read the piece on Spacey that some say is yours (ie Clover Vitriol's), I think you're wasting your talents here. Go Girrr, I mean, boy?

Madame Arcati said...

Incidentally, you have your facts wrong, Bitch. Popbitch put up its item on Oct 26 while Wikipedia was updated on Oct 28.

Wikipedia has been informed that the item on Arcati is potentially defamatory.

Anonymous said...

I agree Popbitch is not much cop now - what's happening to Beesley?

Anonymous said...

"I guess these are the kind of people who think Elvira eats bats for breakfast and Dame Edna applies Nivea night cream to her facial crooks and crannies at bedtime."

Splendid stuff, Vitriol.

Anonymous said...

"Wikipedia has been informed that the item on Arcati is potentially defamatory."

Yeah, right. Jon Snow's and Kevin Spacey's lawyers (among others') have certainly been informed about Arcati's true identity by now. Don't forget you're responsible for the whole content of your blog, and that includes the comments. As you've started censoring the messages (don’t deny it, I know), you might also be wise enough to delete a number of compromising articles, as you surreptitiously did already on my suggestion. Just a friend's advice.
Oh and the other Anon is right: stop swaggering about, nobody's fooled by your damage control attempts.

Dick said...

But who is that Lou Cypher for heaven's sake? If I were in Arcati's (ahem) place he's scare the hell out of me!

Madame Arcati said...

There's no damage to limit. In the case of Snow, he accepted a retraction even though I expressed doubts about the phrasing of his responses. Even now the Snow/ Williams story strikes me as bizarre, as I'm sure the Mail on Sunday would agree. As for Spacey - in your dreams! I have stuck to reliable informants including members of his own family. Randy Fowler maybe varying his tune for the minute, but it'll soon change again. A pity really because Randy is essentially decent, as is Steph.

I am most amused that some little British hacks are trying to score points on behalf of the stars, but it's all in vain.

You should know that a mask does not make you immune to legal action. That's why I always use the finest sources; I do not speculate.

Liz said...

If you're not in the media you probably don't 'get' MA.

In which case, push off and leave us to it will you?

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Madame Arcati said...

I think the above anon needs sedation. Matron!

Anonymous said...

"If you're not in the media you probably don't 'get' MA.

In which case, push off and leave us to it will you?"

Ah, here's my little anti-bullying activist, now. Just perfect. You're in the right place here, honey!

Madame Arcati said...

Thanks Liz for your comment.

Anonymous said...

< I think the above anon needs sedation. Matron! >

Mmmm... Methinks you're the one he has sworn to drive mad. :-)

Ms Baroque said...

Well, I'm still here. I notice that no one knows who any of the anonymouses are, either.

Madame Arcati said...

Thank you Ms Baroque - very sweet of you to say so. It's very exhausting being "unmasked" - I'm having some friends round tonight for a drink and a laugh about who all these very cross anons could be, aside from slighted hacks (who of course are beyond criticism) and their lovers.

Anonymous said...

"and a laugh"

On the wrong side of your face...

"about who all these very cross anons could be"

I guess, you guess... It's called the Paranogame. Have a nice time, Victor-Victoria! :->

Madame Arcati said...

Wish you were here!

Anonymous said...

"Wish you were here!"

My revengeful ghost will follow you everywhere.

Anonymous said...

< They (i.e. Claire, Lorenzo and Duralex) brought nothing to the party in terms of actual knowledge about anything >

Oh yes, they did, but you're not psychologically ready for what they had to tell you. Don't worry, the facts will speak for themselves.

< All three - who were hostile to journalism, by the way - were trying to dictate to Arcati what she shall write about. They failed completely. >

You definitely don't ask yourself the right questions.

Madame Arcati said...

That's the ticket! That way I'll never be lonely. x

Anonymous said...

I hope you've thanked Stephanie and her slanderous comments for your present situation?
I have to admit it was fun for a while but Steph just ruined it all.......adieu.

The Daughter-of-a-Bitch said...

Troller Vivico (wow, I love that anagram game!):

"The perils of trying to make deductions from style similarities are too numerous to mention"

Maybe, but when the article in question is about a certain actor, and it comes along with an excerpt of a certain novel about a certain Vicki Cochrane, as well as the story of a certain guy being mugged by a certain medium, the result is a set of troubling coincidences, to say the least...

"I am perfectly happy for people to rake over pieces here and there. But I confirm and deny nothing."

You don't need to. The facts speak for themselves, as someone already said.

The same someone:

"You definitely don't ask yourself the right questions."

I agree. The sudden decision of those frenemies of Madame's (Claire, Duralex, Lorenzo) to leave, and the obstinate silence they have been keeping since that day, are very odd. It looks as though the three of them knew something would happen. But how did they know? That's the question.

Madame Arcati said...

I, too, like a mystery: what has happened to Duralex, Claire and Lorenzo?

I shall offer one possible explanation: at least two of them were very fast to alight on Popbitch and other places, and disptached emails all over the place announcing the "end of an era" (in various different languages) as well as the name of, er, "Mr" Clover Vitriol. I know this because a number of friends passed on their emails to me. They have not written in since because they think it's all over with Arcati. They imagine that Arcati's success as a blog - and no one can seriously doubt that success - was and is entirely predicated on the anonymity of its author.

In this they are totally wrong. As usual, they just don't get it at all.

steph mastini said...

..I am still here!...

Anonymous said...

Nobody cares about you're real identity - the interest was in finding out why you had an axe to grind with Kevin Spacey and his family.......and that was pretty obvious really.

Ms Baroque said...

Dear Mme A, your account of springing into being, "a vision in tweed," is a marvellous thing. This is the sort of reason your blog is a success. It's simply the earthly manifestation of the unearthly. (Or is it the unearthly manifestation of the earthly?)

And you know I don't really care about gossip.

The Daughter-of-a-Bitch said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

"Wikipedia has been informed that the item on Arcati is potentially defamatory."

For once "Madame Arcati" doesn't lie. How influential you are, Victor-Victoria! The "questionable" stuff was removed by an administrator. But it's still there in the History, and there it will remain for eternity. This is not yet "1984", you know. We won't forget, take my word for it, heh heh heh.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
orgottenonesfund/ said...

I find it incredulous how hypocritical anonymous, etc. are outing themselves! The only axe that anyone had to grind has been clear with anyone that has been reading closely..