Saturday, December 20, 2008

Madame Arcati's Best of 2008 Awards

Madame Arcati is pleased to share some of her favourite things of 2008.

Arcati's Movie of the year
It was a toss up between Mamma Mia!, Changeling and Jonathan King's Vile Pervert: The Musical with Eva Mendes-starrer Live! nudging in there - an excellent satire on reality TV. In the end the winner is (40 second pause as practised on talent shows) ...

Vile Pervert: The Musical by Jonathan King
An excellent and provocative assault on tabloids, slippery celeb PRs, sob story opportunists, with Jonathan King playing more parts than Alec Guinness did in Kind Hearts and Coronets. His portrayal of minging tabloid editor Flame Mitchell was a tour de force. His paean to buggering boys was a total disgrace.

To watch the movie click here
To read Arcati's review click here

Arcati's Book of the year
Shena Mackay's The Atmospheric Railway was a reminder of why she is one of our best lyrical prose writers. The award in this category however goes to (pause - have a cuppa tea) ...

Going As Far As I Can: The Ultimate Travel Book by Duncan Fallowell
In an age when the gap year has all but ruined the mystery of the world for many people, Fallowell has a genius for finding places you would not even think about and then sprinkling glamour dust on them with his glittering prose. It would be fair to say that New Zealand was given the equivalent of a vampiric neck bite and turned into something fascinatingly undead by this book, after years of conformist vivacious dullness, even though many of its residents did not see it that way. Suddenly NZ is up there, wherever there is.

To buy a copy click here

Arcati's Nightclub Event of the year
So many to choose from. In the end there could only be one winner. (Pause for a quick wank) ...

Molly Parkin's The Parkin Lot at The Green Carnation, London
Molly is the nightclub hostess du jour. Only she could devise an evening that pleases both horny young boys looking for other boys and elderly women who sit with their legs apart on account of their sciatica. A brilliant piece of weekly theatre to a catholic soundtrack of dancy toons with Molly assisted by her glamorous daughter Sophie and her (Sophie's) delicious Spanish ex-fiance - at least I think he is. I may marry Molly next year and have a cat with her.

To attend click here.

Arcati's Opportunist of the year
Many contenders. But one stuck out like a bad case of priapism. Pause (while you whiten the teeth) ...

Simon Cowell
The way he ditched his protege Egg Nog in The X Factor final to back Alexandra Burke was truly breathtaking, a living example of how life is lived in the world of pop. Egg Nog must feel truly shafted. Still, he's only 16; and revenge is a dish best served .. eventually.

Arcati's Cock and Cunt of the year
This was a toughy. But at the last minute, as 2008 draws in forever, Madame Arcati attended a preview screening of The Reader and was blown away. So this award goes to (pause for a brief crotch gawp) ...

David Kross and Kate Winslet
The Reader may be about reconciliation after the horrors of the Holocaust, but the sex scenes between young German actor Kross and Titanic star Winslet are truly erotic. Kross' full-frontal reveals a pendulous meaty wanger below a cumulus congestus cloud of black pubes while Winslet showcases a fine example of clipped topiary such as would not disgrace a privet bush in West Sussex. That he plays a 15 year-old boy to her 36 year-old will hopefully not attract the adverse attentions of Mrs Flame Mitchell, ambitious toady of Rupert Murdoch, and guardian of the public morals when it suits her.

Arcati's Most Impressive Personal Performance of the year
I was tempted to give this to Christopher Hitchens for his notice-me antics in pretending to be tortured for a Vanity Fair promo on water-boarding - as the high priest of the religion of Atheism, he risked accidental martyrdom by personal PR - but in the end this prize had to go to (pause while you improve smile) ...

Gordon Brown, PM of UK
After suffering a public profile equalled only by that of Gary Glitter, the PM raged back on a tidal wave of economic disaster as his true calling revealed itself: to personify the gloom and create a neat match of exterior decor for aesthetic unity, thereby making it all seem so fated and fixable. It's in his horoscope, natch. There will be no 2009 election and I think he'll win in 2010.

Arcati's Most Useful Website of the year
After many deplorable attempts at bribery by other sites, Madame Arcati has no hesitation in awarding this prize to (pause to hum Hallelujah) ...

Access Interviews
Rob McGibbon's media interviews aggregator site is the best place to catch celeb encounters you may have missed in newspapers, magazines and other places. Rob has now taken to mischievous commentary. A great many interviews are of course total crap, especially if written by that PR-slave Baz Bamigboye. But there are occasional gems. A most innovative development in journalism.

To see the site click here

Arcati's Best TV Interviewer(s) of the year
The weakest field it must be said. Jonathan Ross doesn't count, although GMTV's Fern Britton and Phillip Schofield show promise, especially after their Kerry Katona assassination. So it gives me great pleasure to give this to (pause to fix the lippy) ...

Katie Price and Peter Andre
A belated award as their ITV2 chatshow disappeared in 2007. Pity. But only they could get the very best out of the celebs, such as Rupert Everett. Peter verbally strokes the victim, causing them to open up, before Katie throws a verbal spear into the gaping ego hole, a la Moby Dick's Capt Ahab: some may think she's aspergery but really she's just psychic about people and knows bullshit when she hears it. To read Arcati's shrewd assessment of the couple click here.

Arcati's British Newspaper Editor of the year
No award given this year. Must do better. But Veronica Wadley deserves some kind of recognition for making the London Evening Standard interesting again.

Arcati's Dance Track & Video of the year
No contest.

Eric Prydz's Pjanoo
Yum yum.

If you have other awards to give, don't hold back, dearies. MA x


lavinia said...

All right, you've convinced me, I've resisted all year but now I'll buy Fallowell's book for Valentine's stocking. Val's back home for a bit, sacked by the Luxemburg bureau - I can hear him weeping in the drive as I type - and a vampire's bite is just what my son needs. Always did actually. God, how I've tried with that boy. And where are we? Back to square one.

Madame Arcati said...

Lavinia darling, I'm sorry to hear of Val's economic downturn. But at least he can now take care of you in what I am sure will be a multi-generational dotage, extended by an assortment of prescription elixirs, even at much personal sacrifice to his sex life and other grown up things, the poor sap. Give him a bite from me.

Anonymous said...

I laughed till I farted extensively.

Chas Newkey-Burden said...

Jonathan King? Ewww. Nasty piece of work.

Brill otherwise though! As per!

The Defunct Stella Polari said...

Firstly, (in case you were wondering) your anonymous farter IS NOT me !

Regarding topiary in West Sussex (I assume you are referring to `Mother`s` bush) I am so glad that my pruning reminds you of Kate Winslet`s well groomed pubes. I must have done a good job then.

Determined to annoy you with that email greeting card, hope the pussy didn`t ofend you too much, my dear.

Jonathan King said...

Many thanks and I accept with humility (what exactly is that?) and would like to thank my agent (haven't got one), my wife (uurgh) and God (who?).

Honoured and tearful...


Madame Arcati said...

Darlings, darlings, stop arguing among yourselves and join in a juiceless orgy of reconciliation at Jesuschristmas: savour the foreign pleasures of an unknown entity in the backroom of Arcati.

Thank you Chris for your unfailing generosity. And thank you Jonathan for your delightful acceptance speech: if redemption of any kind is sought then Vile Pervert: The Musical offers it. It will outlive all Eurovision entries, it will become one of the recognised great media satires. Eventually.

I'm usually right with other people.

Madame Arcati said...

Stella, so where's my email card?

the late Divine said...

I farted then I laughed

Anonymous said...

"Kross' full-frontal reveals a pendulous meaty wanger below a cumulus congestus cloud of black pubes"

Only you, Madame, could make a young man's crotch sound like a weather report. Have you ever thought to take up writing?

Justin Gowers said...

Madame, did I miss your interview with Shena Mackay?

Madame Arcati said...

No Justin, I've only just finished reading Atmospherics and will send her questions shortly, if she's still talking to me. This year has been very time greedy.

And if you're reading this Shena, sorry!

Anonymous said...

A very fine accolade list Madame, very generous hearted. You set an example to your estranged colleagues in the dead tree media.

Anonymous said...

Duncan's very quiet these days.

drf said...

Dear Madame Arcati

I have just surfaced from a marathon love-in with a bashful but feisty gazelle to discover myself crowned in laurel leaves. Before I dive back down into another delirium of erotic mystery I want to bless you for this delicious award. I am parading naked with a cup of coffee trying to take it in while the gazelle stretches and rubs his green eyes awake. My prediction for 2009 is that the credit-crunch recession will make people more intelligent and this will help writers such as myself who attempt in their books to take language to a high performance level. May the coming year bring you a great deal more than you hope for.

Your amazed and thankful admirer,

Duncan Fallowell

Molly Parkin said...



Madame Arcati said...

Duncan, I am delighted to hear of your gazelle: there's nothing like a love-in to shoo away Santa and his unwelcome fat arse down the flue. And thank you for your 2009 prediction and good wishes: I tend to agree with your sentiment.

And Molly my poppet - you are a delight. MA x

Elvira said...

Peculiar choices indeed.
I did like Vile Pervert; I found it informative. No, really – I am as disgusted as the next person over pedophiles, but I believe it is important to keep in mind that the coin has a reverse side and there are unscrupulous people out there that would go to any extent to hurt those with whom they have a feud, not to mention the righteous vigilantes that point fingers for their own self indulgence and need to feel superior. I think Jonathan is not asking people to accept pederasty; he is just saying that people should not be na├»ve enough to accept without question that if a person is accused of such a vile act, the accuser must be saying the thruth.

On another note, MA: that pause for a quick wank… what/who is being wanked? And how exactly does a crotch gawp happen?, is it like a crotch fart? (those, although extreamealy embarassing - oops! how did that make it’s way to the other direction?-, they are secretly hilarious and delicious).

Peter & Jordan: I think they are really sweet together and I was truly sorry to read their relationship is on the rocks, but I don’t find their interviews had much substance- and I must say I do get much delight out of talk of penises and oral sex -, maybe because I am way beyond that standard audience you talk about in your prior review.

My choise for award to blogger of the year: Madame Arcati. Very educational (no, really; I mean that in the sweetest way: you expand my horizons in very interesting directions). I added Access Interviews to by list of favorite websites.

Madame Arcati said...

Elvira dearie, thank you so much. I do enjoy helping people to attune to a higher sensibility of crotch gawps and the like: it so puts things in perspective.

Rob will be pleased to learn he's on your blogroll. He likes to be hung out.

Val said...

Sorry my mother pestered you - she doesn't get out enough.

All the best, Valentine

P.S. Any positions going in your office?

Madame Arcati said...

Dear Val,

Lavinia is always welcome to pester me; she doesn't pester me enough. And I was sorry to hear of your recent release from Luxembourg - a place whose existence I sometimes doubt as some do the afterlife. Luxembourg's first syllable makes it sound exotic, the second doubtful and the third horribly provincial: rather like picking up a handsome mystery person who turns out to be a Reader's Digest subscriber. I therefore cannot but think that your future looks considerably brighter away from such a place.

I am wondering whether someone would like to be a guest editor of this site: an ex-Luxembourg correspondent could just be what it needs. Send me your CV ...

MA x

Elvira said...

Contributing Editors! What a delightful idea! You could invite people such as DRF, Shena Mackay and the like to submit little notes every now and then. Just don’t become too Vanity Fair-ish (It’s not the fair-ish part I’m concerned about; it’s the Vanity one). I wouldn’t like you to become a Graydon Carter in skirt; you could end up looking like Anna Wintour’s twin sister.

Madame Arcati said...

Yes, an interesting idea indeed. Duncan and Shena would be most welcome and Molly of course: also I would get a medium to summon up Andy Warhol as a guest editor and various other famous dead figures - there's no end to the possibilities. Anna could have a lot of time on her hands shortly.

Jody said...

May the flame on your plum pudding never go out, Madame!

(God, sorry about the above. Obviously I'm going somewhat crackers here in NY - in a happy, scuttling-about-in-the-snow -Christmassy way.)

And I loved the Pjanoo video - so thanks. Though I suppose it's terminally naff to say so?

Madame Arcati said...

Dear Jody, lovely to hear from you. It's certainly not naff to say you enjoyed the video, it is one of the heights of cool. It has safely nothing to do with The X Factor or Barbados-bound Simon Cowell with his mummy and Sinita.

May your baubles shine for the duration of 2009. MA x

Anonymous said...

how wonderful ! Is Madame Arcarti back then ?. I thought we had lost you for a while. I had hoped there may be a "molar of the year" category and therefore my crown christened 'Rupert' would have won (you know..the one chipped during an early close encounter with Mr Everett. It's been replaced by a insert but I have saved Rupert' in a little box. Perhaps I'll sell it on ebay.

Madame Arcati said...

Veritas! And I thought I'd lost you: I have posted your comment on the main site in the hope of exciting further interest in your lost crown.

Happy New Year now MA x